Raymond Island Season 2 Episode 8 - By Appointment Only

Raymond Island Season 2, Episode 8
By Appointment Only

Gretchen is sitting in the living room reading a book when Lucinda runs in, screaming.

Lucinda: Gretchen! Did you see the news?

Gretchen: I’m trying to read my new Joan Didion book. What news?

Christina: Joan Didion has a new book out?

Gretchen: It’s Slouching Towards Bethlehem.

Christina: Oh, I forgot that you’re not well-educated and don’t know what “new” means.

Gretchen: At least I went to college!

Lucinda: Ben is dead!

Gretchen: Ben… Ben?

Lucinda: Senator Shineman!

Christina: That old geezer?

Lucinda: That old geezer was only two years older than me!

Christina: Oh, well, gone too soon, then. I could’ve sworn he was pushing eighty, though.

Lucinda: He was eighty!

Christina: Sorry, grandma.

Gretchen: Senator Shineman is dead? Oh my god!

Lucinda: It’s terrible! I remember working on his first senate campaign.

Anthony: All the way back in 1952!

Lucinda: I’m not that old! It was 1972!

Gretchen: I can’t believe Ben’s gone. I didn’t even know he was sick. Poor Cathy.

Lucinda: She found him.

Gretchen: It says that in the article?

Lucinda: No, but he died in his sleep. Surely his wife found him. They were inseparable.

Gretchen: Anyway… I need to get in contact with her. I feel so bad for her.

Toby: I remember Senator Shineman. He showed me around the senate that day mom took me to work and I walked off and got lost.

Gretchen: That was a horrifying day.

Christina: It was hilarious.

Toby: I met the Vice President!

Gretchen: Ben showed me the ropes when I was a new senator. He’s the reason I made it to where I am now.

Lucinda: That was his one fault.

Anthony: Are you going to order the flags at half staff for Ben?

Lucinda: Of course she is, ordering how the flags are flown is her one job.

Gretchen: Are we ignoring that I single-handedly saved the Rhode Island fishing industry like two weeks ago?

Christina: Calamari Comeback State!

Toby: Calamari Comeback State!

Anthony: Calamari Comeback State!

Lucinda: I’m not saying it.

Gretchen: Good, that was Hank’s horrible attempt at stealing my moment.

Christina: It worked.

Gretchen: It did not.

Anthony: What’s going to happen with Ben’s senate seat?

Lucinda: You should appoint Cathy to it, it’s the least you could do.

Gretchen: I can’t appoint anyone. Rhode Island law says the seat has to stay vacant until a special election is held. With my luck, this ends with either Samantha or Hank or Jeanne heading to DC.

Lucinda: Change the law.

Gretchen: I can’t change the law, mom.

Lucinda: Yes, you can.

Gretchen: No, I can’t.

Lucinda: Yes, you can.

Gretchen: Ugh!

Christina: You can, mom.

Gretchen: Christina, I don’t want to hear it!

The next day, in Gretchen’s office…

Gretchen: Susana, have we gotten the vent fixed yet?

Susana: No, they’re coming tomorrow.

Gretchen: Would you mind stepping outside with me? Carol, you too.

Carol: It’s windy out, I just got my hair done.

Gretchen: Carol!

Carol: Fine.

Susana: You’re such a baby sometimes.

Carol: You’re grounded. Who’s a baby now?

Susana: You can’t do that, I’m twenty-four years old.

Gretchen: Ladies! You are at work!

Susana: Sorry, governor.

Outside the capitol building…

Carol: Gretchen, it’s cold out here! Can you hurry up and say what you need to? Why do we have to talk out here, anyway?

Gretchen: I can’t risk Samantha or Hank or Jeanne hearing us.

Carol: What, you don't want them hearing your thoughts on last night’s episode of The Equalizer?

Gretchen: You heard the sad news, right? About Senator Shineman.

Carol: Yes, it’s terrible. He was a wonderful man, I interned for him before I worked for you. We could talk about this inside, though.

Gretchen: No, I have a plan.

Carol: Necromancy is bad, Gretchen. Never ends well for anyone.

Susana: Mom, can you let her talk?

Carol: Why would I do that?

Gretchen: Because I have an idea.

Carol: About what?

Susana: Mom, shut up! You’re the one who wants to go inside, aren’t you?

Gretchen: Most states allow the governors to appoint replacements to the senate in the event of a senator’s departure from office, which is only what makes sense. Rhode Island, because it rarely makes sense, does not allow this. This could be changed with a simple vote from the legislature.

Carol: Forget that. Those people are monsters.

Gretchen: I understand why you'd think that way. I certainly thought that way until my mother yelled at me over it and called me a failure.

Carol: Aren’t you used to that by now?

Gretchen: Strangely, no. Still stings every time.

Susana: What’s your plan?

Gretchen: I’m going to lie to Hank and Jeanne!

Susana: Surely you’re used to that.

Gretchen: Yeah, that I’m used to.

Carol: What are you going to lie about?

Gretchen: I’m going to tell them both that I’m appointing them to the Senate in exchange for them changing the law.

Carol: You think they’ll buy that? You hate them. They know that.

Gretchen: More than anything, they’re hungry for power. It can work.

Susana: I believe in you.

Samantha: What do you believe?

Gretchen: Ah, Nosferatu!

Samantha: You’ve used that joke on me before.

Gretchen: It’s not a joke. Get out of the sun before you turn to dust!

Carol: What are you doing outside?

Samantha: I didn’t know I needed the permission of the Three Stooges to go outside. What are you doing out here? Don’t you have an office? Don’t you have work to do?

Gretchen: No!

Samantha: I kinda figured, based on… everything about you. What have you even done as governor?

Susana: Calamari Comeback State!

Samantha: That’s right, she’s the Gorton’s Fisherwoman now.

Gretchen: Can you just leave us alone?

Samantha: I’d be glad to not see you people. I know you’re up to something, though. Whatever it is, I hope it goes horribly wrong.

Carol: That’s what that witch said to your mother when she was pregnant with you!

Samantha: Huh?

Carol: It sounded good in my head.

Samantha: I bet it didn’t.

Gretchen: I think it’s time to head back inside.

Samantha: Why, aren’t you enjoying our time together?

Gretchen: Look at Carol’s hair.

Samantha: It’s worse than usual?

Carol: You know, I oughta…

Susana: Mom! Let’s get back to the office.

Carol: Anywhere away from her.

Samantha: Lovely seeing you as well!

In Gretchen’s office…

Carol: I hate that woman.

Gretchen: We all do, Carol. That’s one of the things that bonds us most.

Carol: She’s about as charismatic as a root canal. How did she get elected in the first place?

Gretchen: She was quit the effective legislator. Not nearly as effective at that as she is at trolling, though.

Carol: She does look like a troll.

Susana: I don’t think you should be saying that when your hair looks like an actual Troll doll.

Carol: It can’t look that bad! The wind wasn’t blowing that much.

Gretchen: I think I saw a bench fly across the street.

Carol (looking in hand mirror): Oh, my god! Look at my hair!

Susana: I told you so!

Gretchen: I think I’m going to go see Jeanne. Carol, you just find a comb and fix.. that.

Carol: You two look fine, why did this have to happen to me?

Gretchen: You’re just lucky!

In Jeanne’s office…

Jeanne: Ugh, why?

Gretchen: “Hi, Governor Raymond. Nice to see you, Governor Raymond.”

Jeanne: It’s not nice to see you, I can’t lie.

Gretchen: Why do you hate me? I don’t hate you. Hank and Samantha, yes. Not you. We’re very alike.

Jeanne: You’re just a lot.

Gretchen: So are you!

Jeanne: Why are you here?

Gretchen: I have an idea.

Jeanne: Can you jump to how it involves me? I’m a very busy woman.

Gretchen: Rhode Island doesn't allow Senate vacancies to be filled by gubernatorial appointment.

Jeanne: Cool.

Gretchen: We can’t hold an election for months and Rhode Island will go on, unrepresented in the Senate. That doesn’t feel fair to the residents of our state.

Jeanne: What do you want me to do about it, Gretchen? Quickly.

Gretchen: I want you to change the state’s appointment laws so that I can appoint Ben’s replacement.

Jeanne: Gretchen, he isn’t even in the ground yet and you’re thinking about politics?

Gretchen: This isn’t about politics. Our state is not best served by leaving the seat open, it reduces our say in government.

Jeanne: Why do you think I’d help you get even more power?

Gretchen: This will be mutually beneficial.

Jeanne: How? And don’t tell me that it would help me by giving me another voice in Washington. That’s BS and you know it.

Gretchen: I’m planning to appoint you or Hank to the seat. It’s the least I can do if you go ahead and change the rule.

Jeanne: Now I’m intrigued.

Gretchen: You’d both be the only reason for the appointment, and I’d have to carefully decided which of the two of you gets the seat.

Jeanne: I’ve always wanted to get out of Rhode Island. I’m going to see what I can do. I know there’s plenty of people who will push back on a change but I think I have the votes to do it.

Gretchen: That’s great!

Jeanne: Have you spoken to Hank?

Gretchen: No.

Jeanne: You need to. I won’t start working on this unless I know Hank will get it to pass the House.

Gretchen: I’ll go speak to him now.

Jeanne: Good luck! I’ll be preparing my resume

Gretchen: Hey, I’ve always wondered about your name, because I hear it both ways. Is it pronounced like a pair of jeans or like, you know, I Dream of Jeannie?

Jeanne: You need to go before I change my mind.

Gretchen: Going!

In Hank’s office…

Hank: Oh no, what did I do wrong?

Gretchen: Nothing, silly!

Hank: You’re acting nice and it’s throwing me off. You’re not nice.

Gretchen: What a way to greet me.

Hank: Can you tell me why you’re here? And also tell me why my secretary let you in?

Gretchen: She’s probably afraid of me since she knows I know you’re having an affair with her.

Hank: This is a different one. One that wasn’t supposed to be nearly as incompetent as her.

Gretchen: Well, you picked wrong. Now, about the reason I’m here.

Hank: Did your broom break down on the way to your office?

Gretchen: I do the broom jokes around here!

Hank: I didn’t realize you owned a whole collection of tired jokes.

Gretchen: I just came from Jeanne’s office and she said yes, so now I’m asking you.

Hank: Why’d you go to her first?

Gretchen: Her office was first.

Hank: I have more power than her.

Gretchen: Uh-huh.

Hank: I do!

Gretchen: I’m not questioning that! Anyway, Rhode Island doesn’t allow the governor to appoint a US senator if there is a vacancy. It’s time that we change that. 

Hank: Ha!

Gretchen: Not a joke.

Hank: I don’t help you. I make your life more difficult. That’s our relationship.

Gretchen: This helps you, too.

Hank: Seeing you suffer is the only thing you can do to help me.

Gretchen: You are far too kind.

Hank: I try.

Gretchen: If you and Jeanne change the law and allow gubernatorial appointments, I will appoint one of you to the seat.

Hank: How can I trust you to not screw us over?

Gretchen: You hold the fate of every future prospective legislation of mine in your hands. Without you, I won’t be able to do anything. I’m not going to mess that up.

Hank: Okay, I will see what I can do.

Gretchen: Thank you! With your help, we can get Rhode Island some representation in the Senate once again.

That night, at dinner…

Christina: Grandma, you look depressed.

Anthony: When doesn’t she?

Lucinda: We’ve lost an incredible voice for this state. The fact that none of you seem to care doesn’t erase that.

Anthony: What do you suppose we do about it? We’re going to his funeral on Saturday.

Lucinda: Look sad!

Gretchen: Mom, I have good news.

Lucinda: I’ll be the judge of that.

Gretchen: Hank and Jeanne will be changing the appointment law. I get to appoint a new senator!.

Anthony: How did yo get them to agree to that one?

Gretchen: I lied.

Lucinda: I’m not surprised.

Anthony: You were the one who told her to change the law. If this is the only way to do that, why are you upset?

Lucinda: Don’t sass me, Anthony.

Anthony: I think I will.

Gretchen: Can you two shut up?

Anthony: I will when she stops criticizing you.

Lucinda: And I will when he stops being such a snowflake.

Christina: Oh, for the love of god. Can you two both just be quiet and let mom tell you about her day?

Toby: Yeah, I want to hear what she did!

Gretchen: I told them both that I’d appoint one of them to the seat. Obviously, that is not happening. I despise them.

Lucinda: You’re a terrible liar. They actually believed you?

Gretchen: I’m not a terrible liar.

Lucinda: I could always tell when you were lying about being sick as a child.

Gretchen: I love you, mom.

Lucinda: This is going to surprise some people but I love you, too.

Gretchen: See. I’m a good liar.

Three days later, in Gretchen’s office…

Carol: It’s the big day. Are you really sure you want to upset Hank and Jeanne over this?

Gretchen: Of course! I don’t trust them to get my groceries, let alone be in the Senate!

Susan: Clara Montacore is here!

Gretchen: Oh boy, this is exciting! I’ll sign the certificate of appointment.

Clara: Governor Raymond! It’s so lovely to see you! It’s certainly quite an exciting day, is it not?

Gretchen: Congresswoman Montacore, so nice to see you in person! I guess I should get used to calling you Senator Montacore, that’s what you’re about to be.

Clara: Thanks to you!

Gretchen: About that. Leader Rivero and Speaker Matthews are both under the assumption that one of them will be appointed and think that it’ll be announced at the presser. They might get mad when I announce it’s you. Be prepared for projectiles to be thrown at you.

Clara: How did they get that idea.

Gretchen: I don’t think that’s worth discussing. Let’s get outside!

At the appointment announcement ceremony…

Jeanne: I’m so nervous, Hank! I wonder which one of us the gov is going to pick.

Hank: Is that Clara Montacore over there? Why’s she here?

Jeanne: Everyone is on the edge of their seat to see who’s getting picked. She probably just wants to see it in person.

Hank: You’re probably right. Good luck, Jeanne!

Gretchen: Ladies and gentlemen, we lost a true American patriot this week. Ben Shineman was the best of us, a man dedicated to his state and his country, who wanted to make all of our lives better. I see no better way to honor his legacy than by nominating his longtime mentor and friend -

Hank: It’s you, Jeanne. Ben never mentored me.

Jeanne: He never mentored me either…

Gretchen: Please welcome Rhode Island’s next United States Senator, Clara Montacore!


Jeanne: I’m getting my gun.

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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