Gretchen is sitting in her office when Susana runs in.
Susana: I bring indescribably great news.
Gretchen: You get a word of the day calendar or something?
Susana: Very funny.
Carol: I certainly thought so.
Susana hands Gretchen a magazine.
Susana: Governor Raymond, open to page twenty-seven.
Gretchen: I don’t read for pleasure on the job.
Carol: What are you even doing today? You’ve just been locked in here all day.
Gretchen: Okay, I can read the magazine. What page again?
Susana: Twenty-seven.
Gretchen: Thank you.
Susana: I think you’ll be very excited.
Gretchen: Why is my face in this magazine?
Susana: Look at the cover!
Gretchen: Power Magazine’s Annual List of the World’s Greatest Leaders.
Susana: Back to page twenty-seven…
Gretchen: Me! That’s me!
Carol: She’s finally getting it!
Gretchen: I’m one of the greatest leaders in the world!
Carol: According to a moderately popular American-based magazine, yes you are!
Susana: We always knew you were great, it just took the others some time to catch on.
Carol: What did they write about you?
Gretchen: You read it, Susana. I’m too excited!
Susana: “Governor Gretchen Raymond hasn’t always been popular”
Gretchen: Not a great start.
Carol: It'll get better! Fifty greatest in the whole world, Gretchen!
Susana: Okay, let’s skip that part.
Gretchen: Don’t skip any part!
Susana: If you insist…
Gretchen: I do!
Susana: “She once held a approval rating of less than twenty-five percent thanks to her inheritance of the worst economy in Rhode Island history and a strained relationship with local leaders that made recovery nearly impossible.”
Gretchen: Are you sure this isn’t the list of the worst leaders?
Susana: “Once she fell into her groove, however, she’s been nearly unstoppable. Her negotiations to move Bake Your Heart Out, TV’s #1 show, to her state led to an unprecedented spike in travel to Rhode Island. It saved the floundering Rhode Island tourism industry and helped to start a much-needed economic recovery. It got her noticed by Democratic presidential candidate Tammy Koobach, who tapped her to be her running mate for her campaign. While that bid proved unsuccessful, Governor Raymond was undaunted. She only gained power back at home since then, recently bailing out the failing Rhode Island fishing industry. Employment has seen record declines, going from number two in the country to number forty-three. Rhode Island has a long way to go, in many departments, but Raymond is no slouch. Slowly but surely, she’s making sure the Calamari Comeback State lives up to its name.”
Carol: See, Gretchen. People do like you!
Gretchen: Like me? They love me!
Susana: The world’s thirty-eighth greatest leader! We’re so lucky to have you!
Gretchen: I should call Gina to brag!
Susana: That would be a bit childish.
Carol: Sounds like Gretchen to me!
Gretchen’s phone rings.
Gretchen: Oh my god, it’s Gina!
Carol: You’re both thinking of each other at the same time! It’s fate!
Gretchen: Does this mean we should get married?
Carol: Poor Anthony.
Gretchen: Like he’d miss me.
Gretchen picks up the phone.
Gina: Gretchen! Did you see the big news?
Gretchen: It’s so sweet of you to call!
Gina: I don’t know if I’d call it sweet.
Gretchen: You’re calling to congratulate your friend! That is sweet!
Gina: Congratulate my friend? Gretchen, have you even drinking?
Gretchen: Are you playing tricks on me? Why did you call?
Gina: I made it into Power Magazine’s annual Greatest Leaders in the World list. Number seven!
Gretchen: Oh, that’s great.
Gina: Why did you think I was calling to congratulate you? Did I miss some big news? If I did, I’m sorry.
Gretchen: It’s nothing, Gina.
Gina: Are you sure?
Gretchen: Your news has upstaged mine?
Gina: Come on, Gretchen. We’ve been friends for a decade. You can tell me anything. No matter how embarrassing. Do you have a UTI?
Gretchen: Why would you call to congratulate me about that?
Gina: It would mean you were at least getting some action!
Gretchen: Gina! I am a professional. I’m the governor of Rhode Island. I would not be calling one of my colleagues to discuss a urinary tract infection.
Gina: So what’s up? I’m very busy here in Michigan, I don’t have all day to gossip.
Gretchen: Are you really that busy?
Gina: No, I never realized how little you have to do as governor on some days. I’m used to a 24/7 hustle and bustle like in the Senate.
Gretchen: I, for one, am very busy. I guess Michigan isn’t as important as Rhode Island.
Gina: You have a Democratic legislature, you actually have to pass laws. I just get to sit here and look pretty in my TV interviews and make viral tweets and pass executive orders all the time.
Gretchen: I pass executive orders, too.
Gina: You’re stalling a bit, Gretchen. What’s going on?
Gretchen: I’m embarrassed, okay. I was going to call you about Power Magazine but then you called.
Gina: Don’t be embarrassed because you didn’t pick up the phone first.
Gretchen: That’s not why I’m embarrassed. It’s about why I was calling
Gina: Why would you be embarrassed to call your friend to congratulate her?
Gretchen: I wasn’t, I didn’t realize you made the list. I was calling because I made the list and here you didn’t even realize it and I just assumed you did and I look stupid.
Gina: Gretchen, it’s not your fault I’m a narcissist. We’re both great for making the list! I only knew I made it because my chief of staff came running in to tell me to open to page four so I only saw my page.
Gretchen: That’s exactly what happened here!
Gina: We are far too similar.
Gretchen: I was number thirty-eight and had to read a painful reminder of my abysmal approval ratings from a year ago, so I think you’re still quite different from me.
Gina: It’s not a competition. We can both be great leaders. We’re doing a lot for our state.
Gretchen: I’ll never be “That Woman from Michigan,” though.
Gina: Yeah, because you’re “That Woman from Rhode Island.” Nothing wrong with that. Cheer up, Gretch. Now, I should get to work so I’d better go. Make sure you frame your copy of the magazine just like I am! This is not gonna happen again!
Gretchen: I was almost Vice President! Stranger things have happened!
Six hours later…
Susana: Gretchen, it’s getting late. Almost five o’clock! Don’t you have dinner plans today?
Gretchen: Oh, god! I completely forgot that I’m having my brother and sister over for dinner. I’ve been so busy today. Actually busy!
Carol: With what?
Gretchen: Didn’t you notice that I was gone for three hours? I went on a tour of a grocery warehouse. It was horrifying, I almost got hit by a forklift.
Carol: That sounds like Gretchen to me!
Gretchen: I guess I’m heading out, then. My mom’s gonna kill me.
Carol: It’s funny to hear the same thing from the governor that I used to hear from my friends when I was a teenager.
Gretchen begins walking to her car but is stopped in the lobby of the capitol by Samantha.
Samantha: Gretchen, I saw this week’s Fortune Magazine.
Gretchen: I don’t need to hear you laughing at me over it being far below Kate Hagelin and Gina Whilder and Kathleen Santana and Eileen Birkman and Marietta Landfield and Dede Ducovney and Tammy Koobach. I got it, I’m the worst!
Samantha: What? No, I’m actually proud of you.
Gretchen: Are you dying? I’m so sorry.
Samantha: Ice isn’t the only thing that runs through my veins. I’m a human being, too. We may not be “friends” but I’m proud that someone I work side-by-side with is getting recognition for leading.
Gretchen: Oh, so you’re proud because you think this is some sort of package deal. We barely even govern together, Samantha. I didn’t even pick you as my running mate, this was an arranged marriage!
Samantha: What are you even talking about? I am trying to congratulate you!
Gretchen: You’re gaslighting me. This is what The Chicks were singing about in their wonderful song that the Grammys snubbed.
Samantha: Are you unable to accept compliments?
Gretchen: From people that antagonize me all the time? Yes. I don’t usually catch on when people are mocking me so now I have my guard up at all times.
Samantha: For the love of god, Gretchen! I am proud of you! I’m very happy you’re on the magazine’s list. I don’t care where Marietta Whatsherface and the dingbat Vice President landed on the list. Something good happened to you for once and you’ve earned it!
Gretchen: Do you really mean that?
Samantha: Yes! If I didn't think you were doing a good job, would I really be out there visiting with the fishermen and trying to take credit for your fishing bailout? You’re popular and for good reason! In the past year, you’ve managed to transform into one of the most consummate professionals I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. Aside from those mopey months of November and December where you were still getting over the election loss. You are good at this!
Gretchen: Hearing those words come out of your mouth makes me feel like I’m having a ministroke.
Samantha: Maybe that’s the point!
Gretchen: There’s the Samantha I know and tolerate for professional purposes only!
Samantha: We sure do have an interesting relationship, don’t we?
Gretchen: Here’s what I don’t get. If you think I’m so great, why antagonize me so much?
Hank: Samantha, why are you talking to her?
Samantha: That’s part of it. Gotta keep up appearances. I also am not a huge fan of your personality, gonna be honest. We don’t mesh great, but I have respect for you and I’m glad you’re doing this state proud. Now, I need to get away from you before people catch on to the fact that I don’t hate everything about you. Toodles!
Thirty minutes later, Gretchen arrives at home.
Lucinda: Explain yourself.
Gretchen: I had a busy day, mother.
Lucinda: Too busy to get home for your special dinner with your brother and sister?
Christina: She’s been freaking out for an hour!
Gretchen: They aren’t coming over until six o’clock!
Christina: That’s not stopping her!
Lucinda: Perhaps one day my daughter will learn how to act when she’s having guests over.
Gretchen: I was at work. I’m the governor of Rhode Island, sometimes I have to work a little long.
Anthony: That’s exactly what I told her but she won’t listen. She’s very invested in this dinner.
Lucinda: It’s not every day that I get all three of my children under the same roof! I’m not letting this one blow it because she had to go visit some pigs in Smithfield!
Toby: Why is grandma shouting?
Christina: Because she’s crazy. Go do your homework.
Toby: It’s Friday.
Christina: Then read a book.
Toby: I don’t want to read a book.
Christina: Then play Pokémon for all I care, just save yourself from this conversation.
Lucinda: how do you expect to have time to prepare a meal in thirty minutes? You’re usually home by quarter after four.
Gretchen: Mom, you were here all day. Why did you not make dinner? You do any other day!
Lucinda: I need help, it’s a lot of work!
Gretchen: Christina!
Christina: What?
Gretchen: You could have helped your grandmother with dinner.
Christina: No thank you.
Gretchen: Why did I ever have children?
Toby: Mom…
Gretchen: Not you, sweetie!
Anthony: I’m going to go comfort our son, Gretchen. Deal with your mother.
Christina: This family dinner is going great and it hasn’t even started!
There is a knock at the door.
Christina: It has now!
Lucinda: See, I told you that you were late.
Gretchen: Fine. I’m incredibly late and now I’ve ruined our lives because dinner will be a little late.
Lucinda: A little?
Christina: Is no one planning on opening the door?
Gretchen: You know, mother, I was having a wonderful day today and you stomped all over that. You’re a thief of joy!
Lucinda: It’s not my fault that you chose to go gallivanting around the state instead of following through on promises made to your family!
Gretchen: I am the governor! It’s my job to travel around the state! You’re just lucky we live in a state so tiny that you can travel from one end to the other in an hour so I can be home every night!
Lucinda: I’m not lucky. I’m hungry!
Christina: Hello?
Gretchen: I saw a recipe online for quick spaghetti-o pie. I’ll make that.
Lucinda: That sounds abhorrent.
Christina: Fine, I’ll get the door.
Gretchen: Do something!
Christina answers the door. Mary and Eddie are both standing and waiting.
Christina: Uncle Eddie! Aunt Mary! I’m sorry for the wait, they were -
Eddie: They sound like they’re about to rich each others’ heads off.
Mary: They usually do.
Lucinda: My babies are here!
Gretchen: Why am I the one you chose to live with?
Lucinda: Unlike them, you don’t have a life.
Gretchen: I’m the governor of Rhode Island!
Lucinda: That’s not really much of a job, is it?
Gretchen: I was nearly Vice President!
Lucinda: Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Gretchen: Anthony! Get in here!
Anthony: Toby’s fine, I just explained to him that mommy is having a bad day and took it out on him.
Gretchen: I was having a fine day before the Wicked Witch of the East had to rain on my parade!
Eddie: I’m so glad that we came here for dinner tonight. Don’t you agree, Mary?
Mary: Yeah, where is dinner? I don’t smell anything aside from the smoke that’s coming from Gretchen’s ears.
Lucinda: Don’t even get me started on dinner.
Gretchen: Yeah, don’t.
Anthony: I think you two should head into family room and maybe talk this out there.
Lucinda: I have to make dinner because apparently Gretchen won’t!
Gretchen: I was working!
Anthony: I think I’m going to order a pizza if that’s okay with everyone.
Mary: Please do! I’m starving!
Eddie: Same here. I haven’t eaten since breakfast time because I was told there was going to be a feast today.
Gretchen: You know what, mother?
Lucinda: This should be good.
Gretchen: I was absolutely thrilled this morning because I work so damn hard as governor to repair the absolute mess that was handed to me and I was finally getting some recognition for that. Power Magazine named me one of the best leaders in the world. Now I come home and you drag me down like you always do.
Lucinda: I saw your magazine feature. Christina showed it to me because she was excited.
Gretchen: Thank you, honey. You’re a light in my life.
Christina: I always feel it, mom.
Gretchen: So you knew I was having a big day and decided to still drag me down? What kind of mother are you?
Mary: Oh god. Ed, we gotta go! Mom’s gonna burn this place down.
Anthony: No one is going anywhere! I just ordered four pizzas and we’re going to eat them like adults!
Lucinda: You’re traipsing around here all high-and-mighty because some magazine with an intense American bias named you the thirty-eighth best leader in the world. You’re the lowest-ranked American woman on the list! I’m shocked you aren’t ranked behind the former one-term President that was almost impeached for her immense incompetence. You aren’t some power player, Gretchen. You’re the governor of a tiny state and you’ll be forgotten once your time in office is done, which will be soon given the way you act.
Gretchen: Wow. Wooooooow.
Mary: They’re gonna kill each other.
Eddie: I hope they kill us, too. This will be seared in my brain for the rest of my life.
Gretchen: My mother treats me worse than my own rivals at work. Samantha brought me to tears today because she was so proud of me. I come home and my mother makes me feel terrible because my work was finally given some recognition.
Lucinda: You arena owed recognition for doing nothing! That you even have rivals at work when everyone is in your own party says a lot. You’re hard to deal with.
Gretchen: Why are you so hard on me? What did I ever do to you that was so horrible? You love Eddie and Mary.
Lucinda: They did something with themselves.
Gretchen: Eddie is a car repairman now, his fifth job since he moved back here. Mary sells crocheted items on Etsy. I am the governor!
Lucinda: You won’t stop reminding us, will you?
Mary: Anthony, can we at least go in another room?
Anthony: My god, yes. Let’s go.
Gretchen: No one’s going anywhere!
Eddie: She’s gonna kill us now.
Mary: Do it quick!
Lucinda: Gretchen, you abandoned this family when you decided that politics was more important than being home with us.
Gretchen: You resent me for that, but you love Eddie and Mary despite them moving halfway across the country. You never loved me like you loved them. I was always the little red-headed misfit who didn’t fit into your perfect vision for your family. I’m done, mom. Go live with one of them.
Eddie: I don’t want her.
Lucinda: Are you going to let her talk to me like this, Anthony?
Anthony: Yes. Yes, I am. You treat her like dirt! You made her special day a nightmare. You need to get out of this house before this gets any worse.
Lucinda: Are you kidding me?
Christina: Grandma…
Lucinda: You still love me, right Christina?
Christina: Yes, I always will. You two need space, though. Go stay with Aunt Mary for tonight.
Mary: I don’t think Aunt Mary offered that.
Gretchen: I’m going to see my son. When I get back, you better not be here, mom. Pack your bag and go.
Lucinda: I’m not coming back. Once I walk out the door, I’m gone. It’s Mary and Lucinda now.
Mary: My god, why is this happening to me?
Gretchen: Fine by me!
Mary: Eddie, do something!
Eddie: I’m engaged!
Mary: No, you aren’t! You’re married!
Eddie: Like they remember!
Five minutes later…
Lucinda: I’m off, Gretchen! Anything you want to say before I’m gone?
Gretchen: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
Lucinda storms out, suitcase in hand.
Eddie: As always, Gretchen, lovely seeing you.
Mary: Same time next week?
Eddie and Mary leave.
Gretchen: What did I just do?
Anthony: You stood up for yourself.
Christina: Good for you, mom!
Gretchen: I don’t feel good about it. How can I actually believe I’m some great leader when I can’t even get my own mother to respect me.
Christina: It’s not your fault that grandma is a stubborn old grouch.
Gretchen: She’s my mother, I’ve been dealing with her for fifty years. A leader would be able to get respect from their own mother!
Christina: I think she respects you but doesn’t know how to show it.
Anthony: Or she’s just a stone-cold bitch.
Christina: That too.
There is a knock at the door.
Gretchen: Maybe mom’s coming back!
Anthony: No, I think that’s just the pizza.
Gretchen: That works, too. I'm hungry!
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
