Karl: It’s going to be a fun day, everyone! Y’all ready?
Danielle: Talk to me like I’m a complete idiot who has no idea what’s happening.
Velma: Talk to her like she’s Mitchell.
Danielle: What, in particular, are we supposed to be “ready” for?
Betty: Barney Park!
Danielle: What about it?
Karl: That’s where we’re going today. We thought it would be a nice day of family fun.
Betty: It’s been so long since we’ve been there, I am pumped!
Teri: Mom, can your ticker take those roller coasters?
Betty: My doctor said I am remarkably healthy for someone my age.
Ralph: “Healthy” for someone born when James Monroe was President is not “healthy enough to ride the Iron Range.”
Betty: I’m not even seventy-five! When I was born, the President was… well, I don’t remember!
Jerry: Harry Truman!
Betty: Never met him!
Jerry: He was President when you were born.
Teri: Look at Jerry with the historical facts!
Jerry: It’s pretty basic history, don’t be too impressed.
Karl: Is everyone ready? No answered me.
Teri: Danielle, are you ready?
Danielle: Yes, I’m ready.
Teri: Okay, she was the only one confused about what was happening today. We’re ready now.
Twenty minutes later…
Betty: Good lord, the traffic is terrible today!
Karl: I just hope that Jerry is still behind us.
Teri: The guy in the car behind us can see over the wheel, so I don’t think it’s Jerry.
Karl: Oh, damn. I wanted to park next to them.
Velma: If it makes you feel better, I’m really enjoying the space away from Mitchell, so I don’t mind parking away from them.
Martin: It does not.
Velma: I tried.
Betty: They’re in the lane next to us!
Teri: We live five minutes away from the park and it’s gonna take an hour to get in.
Betty: I bet it’s al those people coming up from North Carolina. They do it all the time.
Ralph: We live two hours from DC and you think this is North Carolina’s fault?
Danielle: To be fair, she thinks everything is North Carolina’s fault.
Betty: Why are there two of them? Find a different name, guys. Get creative!
Karl: Look, we’re about to get into the parking lot. It’s not that bad.
Teri: Only another half-hour!
Velma: At least the parking lot isn’t that big. They need trams just to drive you from the parking lot to the park at Busch Gardens Williamsburg.
Ralph: Ooh, why couldn’t we go to Busch Gardens Williamsburg? It’s so much better than Barney Park.
Betty: Because Barney Park is where we’re at! It’s a Lakey tradition and you’re going to love it. End of story!
Teri: Wow, mom. You act like he just disrespected your first born.
Ralph: I am her first born! She would never get that angry if someone insulted me.
Velma: Okay, let’s do a poll. Who wants to go to Busch Gardens Williamsburg?
Karl: We’re not going to Busch Gardens!
Teri: Why?
Karl: Because we aren’t.
Teri: He’s cranky today. Dad, you’re cranky today.
Karl: You’re all acting like children! Not you, Danielle.
Danielle: Thank you. I appreciate it.
Betty: I’m not acting like a child!
Karl: I'm choosing to ignore that you said that.
Ten minutes later…
Karl: Look, we’re here at the gates. Is everyone happy now.
Velma: This doesn’t look like Busch Gardens.
Danielle: Velma! Drop it!
Velma: Fine.
Jerry: Wow, would you look at that? We did find them!
Tammi: Mom was freaking out that we’d never be able to find you guys.
Ralph: You’ll be shocked to learn that it was actually dad, not mom, who worried about finding you guys.
Cindy: I’m really not the favorite, huh?
Betty: I have no favorite!
Danielle: Except Teri.
Betty: No!
Danielle: I don’t see Ralph or Cindy’s friends living here, but here I am!
Teri: Cindy needs to actually have friends in order for them to move in.
Cindy: I have friends!
Jerry: Sure you do, sweetie.
Cindy: I do!
Karl: I’m gonna go buy the tickets.
Frank: I’ll come with! Anything to get some peace.
Karl: You know, Frank? I think you’re at the wrong place for peace.
Frank: I’m in the wrong family for peace.
Ten minutes later, in the park…
Mitchell: I can’t believe it took me five tries to get in the park.
Velma: Maybe if your fingers weren’t coated in Cheeto dust, they’d be able to pick up your fingerprint.
Karl: All right gang! We made it here for our big adventure!
Danielle: I haven’t been here since my kids were little.
Mitchell: So, a few years ago?
Danielle: Twenty-five. Give or take.
Karl: We all want to see different things today. Some of us are risk-takers. Some of us want to ride the kiddie rides, some of us want to play games, no judgment here. We will all get to see what we want if we split up in groups.
Betty: Groups? This is a family day! We should stick together!
Karl: Does it matter if you’re screaming your head off on a roller coaster with all of us or with just five of us?
Betty: No…
Karl: Which is why groups are a good idea. It’s eleven now. We’re gonna be hungry for dinner at around five. Let’s all meet up at the Cosmic Cafe then and we can all stay together from that point on. Sound good?
Jerry: Sounds great!
Teri: I really appreciate that dad took the reigns on this one. Mom would’ve been a mess planning this.
Betty: Hey! It’s true, but hey!
Thirty minutes later, in the northeastern corner of the park…
Steven: Mom! Look at that!
Tammi: The Claw? You know your father’s stomach cant’ handle that.
Frank: Not true! I go on many thrill rides.
Tammi: Honey, Steven wanted to go on the SpongeBob kiddie coaster and you said it was too “bumpy.”
Frank: It is!
Steven: Can you guys look over there?
Tammi: We did, we’re not going on The Claw.
Steven: No, the stuffed animal!
Tammi: Oh, that’s a cute little monkey. You want me to buy it?
Steven: No, we can’t buy it! We have to play for it.
Tammi: Oh, it’s a game! We can play it. You’re just shooting water into a target, shouldn’t be hard.
Frank: I’m good at this, let me try for you.
Tammi: You sure your stomach’s feeling up to it?
Frank: Of course it is! I’m just sitting with a water gun.
Tammi: I’m poking fun at your weak stomach and inability to tolerate thrills.
Frank: Sir, I’m gonna play this game.
Keith (amusement park worker): That’ll be five dollars.
Frank: Here ya go!
Keith: We’ll wait to start until someone else comes around to play. Shouldn’t be long!
Frank: You ready for your monkey, kid?
Steven: Good luck, dad!
Five minutes later…
Keith: Okay, ready?
Frank: Huh?
Keith: Set… go!
Steven: Do something, dad!
Tammi: Come on, Frank! Do something, Frank!
Frank: Oh god, I spaced out.
Keith: Congratulations to player #7!
Steven: I already know that isn't dad.
Tammi: Here’s five bucks, Keith. I’m going this time.
Frank: I wanna go! I can win if I pay attention.
Keith: Oh, look. We’re getting a full lineup. Two more walking up right now.
Tammi: I don’t know if we can beat those two ladies, Frank. They play this game all the time at Shady Maples!
Frank: I can take on Grace and Frankie over there, don’t you worry.
Tammi: Let’s both play.
Keith: Okay, players one, two, five and eight. You ready?
Tammi: Let’s do this!
Steven: Go, mom! Go, dad!
Frank: I’m doing it, I’m doing it!
Tammi: You’re shooting the wrong target!
Keith: We have a winner! Plater number five!
Tammi: What is Gertie over there going to do with a stuffed Pikachu?
Frank: She needs company, it’s hard being in a retirement home.
Old lady: I don’t live in a retirement home, you rude people!
Tammi: My apologies. It’s his fault. He’s mean.
Thirty minutes later…
Steven: Why can’t you guys just win this for me? You’ve tried so many times!
Tammi: We’ve spent so much money.
Frank: I’ve gotten this whole booth so wet.
Tammi: Why did we let you play?
Frank: Because I insisted that you do.
Steven: Let me play!
Tammi: We only have ten dollars left. I guess it’s worth a shot. Keith, me and the kid will play.
Keith: We’ll wait a minute to see if anyone else comes before we go again.
Steven: I home no one else comes.
Tammi: Yeah, me too. We’ve spend seventy-five bucks on this, we’re not leaving without that freaking monkey. If I have to sell your father, I will.
Frank: What did I do? Why am I being sold?
Tammi: You know what do you.
Keith: All right, you two. Ready… set… go!
Frank: Look at Steven go!
Tammi: Wow, he’s kicking my butt.
Keith: We have a winner! Player number three!
Steven: I want the monkey!
Meanwhile, in the southeastern corner of the park…
Teri: Okay, so we were just on the Coal Miner. That was fun!
Velma: You said it wasn’t tall. That was tall!
Teri: It’s the shortest roller coaster in the park!
Velma: Maybe I'm not a roller coaster person then.
Mitchell: You think? I could’ve told you that, and I’m clueless.
Velma: You said it!
Ralph: Maybe Velma should’ve gone on the Coal Miner’s Daughter in the kiddie ride section.
Velma: I don’t need to ride any kid rides. What about the Tilt-a-Whirl?
Teri: Where are we heading to? Canyon Falls?
Velma: I don’t know what that is but it sounds like it involves water.
Teri: It does!
Velma: Oh no…
Teri: It’s a fun ride! We all have our jackets, we’re gonna be fine.
Mitchell: I don’t mind getting wet, let’s go.
Velma: Mitchell, it’s February!
Danielle: I’ll go on it. I grew up in Brooklyn and I walked to school, being wet and cold is my default setting in the winter.
Teri: All right, everyone’s in!
Ralph: Did I say that?
Teri: Oh, sorry, Ralph.
Ralph: I’ll go on it, but I’d like to be asked first.
Velma: I also never said I was in.
Teri: Yeah, but you don’t count.
Velma: One, two, three, four, five. I can count!
Teri: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Ralph: Are we going on this ride or not? I wanna buy one of their cookbooks but I don’t want it to get wet.
Teri: We’re going. It’s gonna be fun!
Danielle: Let me get my poncho out of my bag.
Teri: You have a windbreaker.
Danielle: I want to keep it dry.
Teri: Okay, wear a poncho a half mile from the nearest ride like a psychopath.
Ten minutes later…
Teri: Here we are, everyone! Canyon Falls!
Velma: Gee, guys. That really was a hike! Maybe we should go on a nice ride with no line where we can sit down! Like the Musik Express!
Ralph: The Musik Express? I don’t call getting nauseous while listening to Madonna a ride. I call that Friday.
Velma: What do you do on Friday?
Ralph: After you go to bed, I get high and eat chocolate. Duh.
Velma: Okay…
Mitchell: You get high, too?
Teri: Officer, they’re not talking about marijuana!
Mitchell: Teri, that’s a garbage can.
Teri: Oh, they shouldn’t paint it navy blue if they don’t want to confuse me.
Mitchell: Whoa.
Teri: Are we gonna ride this or what, guys?
Danielle: I feel like I’m in saran wrap!
Teri: Okay, to the line we go!
Velma: Are you guys really sure about this?
Teri: Yes!
Velma: It’s cold!
Mitchell: My phone says it’s sixty degrees out now.
Velma: Can I see your phone?
Mitchell: No.
Velma: Good choice. I was gonna throw it.
Mitchell: You were?
Velma: Of course I was!
Teri: You’re stalling. I don’t get it.
Velma: I am… afraid. Okay, I’m afraid.
Teri: Of what? Water?
Velma: Heights!
Teri: Yeah, we know.
Velma: Canyon Falls is too high for me!
Teri: The Coal Miner is taller.
Velma: I almost had a heart attack on that.
Teri: Canyon Falls barely even lifts off the ground.
Velma: It doesn’t have to. That drop is huge.
Ralph: It’s not that bad! You’re secure in there, the ride vehicle never leaves the track. It’s a lot of fun, too. Me and Teri have been on it so much from the time we were kids.
Velma: This has been here since you were kids?
Teri: How don’t you know that?
Velma: I wasn’t born here. I grew up in Utica!
Teri: How do we know so many people from New York?
Danielle: We’re a special breed.
Velma: Actually, I wasn’t born in Utica. I was born in California, but we moved to New York and then to Virginia.
Teri: Yeah, I don’t care. i just want to get wet.
Ralph: Language! There’s children here!
Teri: You people are sick. Velma, come on, let’s go.
Velma: I’m not going. You go without me.
Danielle: Gladly, come on.
Teri: We’re not going without you.
Danielle: I’m melting, Teri!
Velma: I’m fine. I’ll watch all of your stuff. Go without me.
Mitchell: She’s not going. Let’s go have fun ourselves.
Velma: I’ll go ride the Musik Express, I’m gonna have fun, too!
Ralph: Okay, Lucky Star. Go have your fun.
Twenty minutes later…
Teri: Velma really missed out on that one!
Mitchell: I don’t remember getting wet when you floated through the indoor portion before.
Ralph: I think the roof was just leaky.
Teri: It is old.
Danielle: Very, very old.
Teri: Shut up! You’re older than me!
Danielle: I wasn't talking about you.
Teri: Oh.
Velma: Hey guys!
Teri: Hello Colonel Sanders!
Velma: What?
Teri: Because you’re a chicken.
Velma: Colonel Sanders wasn’t a chicken.
Teri: Okay, Foghorn Leghorn.
Velma: There you go! If you’re gonna insult me, at least be accurate.
Mitchell: It was fun, Velma. You missed out.
Velma: My ass is dry.
Mitchell: That is true.
Teri: We don’t know that for sure. We’re just taking her word for it. Musik Express is intense, she could’ve had an accident.
Velma: I rode it twice, and I did not.
Teri: Doubt.
In the northwestern corner of the park…
Cindy: So you’re sure you want to ride The Iron Range?
Betty: Obviously! We don’t come here very often, I’m not missing my chance to ride the seventh-longest steel roller coaster in the world!
Cindy: Well, obviously.
Betty: The last time I came here -
Jerry: - in 1777 -
Betty: I was thrown out of line for “line jumping.” They wouldn’t know line jumping if it punched them in the face!
Karl: That was ridiculous! I wanted to punch that lady.
Cindy: Dad!
Jerry: It’s funny. When Betty said what happened, I just assumed she was actually guilty. Now that Karl said you’re innocent, I believe you are.
Betty: The gate to the coaster wouldn’t open up. I was frustrated because I was waiting in line for so long and was so close. Your father picked me up to get me in, but the little meanie running the thing got angry. She knew deep down that she was the one who messed up and never opened the gate, but threw me out and said I was breaking a rule because she knew I could ruin her.
Cindy: Calm down, mom. It’s not so serious.
Betty: It’s very serious. Now let’s go!
Thirty minutes later…
Ride attendant: Keep your hands and feet in the vehicle at all times and have fun!
Karl: Wait, I forgot my hat!
Ride attendant: I can take it, quick! It’s in box #15.
Karl: Thank you!
The ride vehicle starts moving out of the station and up the incline.
Betty: See, that’s how park workers should act.
Karl: I appreciate her kindness, that’s for sure. I can’t lose my hat!
Betty: Speaking of losing things, hold my glasses.
Cindy: I’ll put them in my purse, pass them back.
Jerry: You have your purse with you?
Cindy: Of course I do!
Jerry: I should just call and cancel the credit cards right now.
Cindy: Who uses their phone on a roller coaster?
Jerry: I’m ignoring you.
Betty: Oh my god, Karl.
Karl: What? Did you drop your glasses.
Betty: Yes, but, that’s not what I mean. Look how high up we are.
Karl: You couldn’t tell from the ground that this roller coaster is really high?
Betty: It’s higher when you’re on it.
Karl: I’m right here, don’t be afraid.
Betty: I want to get off.
Karl: You what?
Betty: Off! There’s a fire! Get me off!
Karl: Just hold my hand.
Betty: I’m gonna close my eyes.
Karl: No, don’t! You’re never going on this again and closing your eyes will ruin any fun you might have.
Betty: We’re well past fun, Karl.
Cindy: We’re not even halfway up!
Betty: I can’t hear you, Cindy!
Cindy: Never mind!
One minute later…
Betty: Oh my god, we’re about to drop!
Karl: Hold my hand, don’t let go. We’ll be okay. They’re not about to let anything go wrong.
Betty: Okay. I’m scared. God, protect me.
Karl: You know what they say. The higher the coaster, the closer to heaven.
The ride vehicle drops down the hill.
Betty: AHHHHH!!! I’m dying!
Cindy: This is awesome!
Betty: Mom, I’m coming to join you!
Five minutes later…
Ride attendant: Welcome back!
Betty: I’ve seen fire, and I’ve seen rain.
Karl: Let’s go, Betty. More people want to ride.
Betty: Don’t do it! I almost died!
Outside the ride…
Jerry: That was -
Cindy: Mom, are you okay?
Betty: Excuse, my stomach feels very not good and I need to go to the bathroom immediately.
Cindy: This is gonna be a whole thing, I just know it.
At five o’clock, at the Cosmic Café…
Teri: Mom, why do you look pale as a ghost?
Cindy: Why is Velma the only one of you that isn’t soaked?
Ralph: Why is Tammi carrying a giant purple monkey?
Karl: It’s been a long day, we can answer all of these important questions while we eat some burgers and chicken fingers!
What did you think of the new episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read a new episode next week!
