Marietta Season 3 Episode 15 - The New Adventures of Old Marietta

Marietta Season 3 Episode 15
The New Adventures of Old Marietta

Marietta walks into the office at city hall.

Amy: Wow, Marietta. You look so lively for eight in the morning. You okay?

Marietta: Very okay! I joined a dating site!

Tammy runs out of the room, opens the closet door, grabs something and returns, shooting confetti.

Marietta: Why do you have a confetti popper in the closet?

Tammy: In the case that this blessed day would ever come! And it did!

Marietta: Just, uh, manage your expectations. It’s my first time online dating, a match might now come for a while.

Amy: I think it’s only right that we get to see the account.

Tammy: Yeah, show us!

Marietta: Come into my office, I’ll show you.

Tammy: This is so exciting!

Marietta, Tammy and Amy walk into Marietta’s office and hover behind her computer at her desk.

Marietta: Okay, here it is.

Amy: Honey…

Marietta: You don't like it?

Amy: Why is Danny in your profile picture?

Marietta: I like that picture of myself.

Amy: Your ex-husband’s face is in your dating profile picture.

Tammy: It’s more like “NoWayCupid,” am I right?

Amy: No Match dot com!

Tammy: “e’huh?’mony.”

Amy: Okay, it isn’t funny anymore.

Marietta: What picture of me do you suggest I use? How about my official Senate portrait?

Tammy: No! That’s far too pretentious!

Amy: So is Marietta, though.

Marietta: Yeah, so am I! Wait…

Amy: Use a nice selfie. Preferably one that doesn’t include your ex-husband. Our your son. Or your brother. Or your parents.

Marietta: I have a nice one of me and Sarah-

Amy: No!

Tammy: Let’s take one now!

Marietta: It was so breezy outside today, my hair is a mess!

Tammy: Here’s a comb.

Marietta: You really have an answer to everything, don’t you?

Tammy: Yes! That’s why I think you should turn your account over to me to fix it!

Marietta: You? Tammy, you’re a seventy year-old grandmother of seven who has been married for fifty years.

Tammy: Yeah. I know romance!

Marietta: Do you? You and Mitch usually just plop down on the couch, yell at each other about what NCIS to watch that night, and then fall asleep on the couch. You’re always telling us that that exact thing happened the previous night.

Tammy: I’m a lady. I know where to stop a story. I don’t kiss and tell.

Amy: I feel ill.

Tammy: I understand. Marietta’s dating profile is so bad, it makes sense to feel sick from it.

Marietta: Yeah, that's why.

Tammy: If it makes you feel better, I’ll let you pick what I put in your bio.

Marietta: That would be great, mom!

Tammy: I am a motherly figure to you.

Marietta: You are not.

Amy: Yeah, you’re way too sane to be her actual mother.

Marietta: Don’t you dare disrespect my mother. Only I can do that.

Tammy: Okay let’s get to work! Seeking?

Marietta: Men, fifty to sixty.

Tammy: All right, men thirty-five to fifty.

Marietta: What? No! I’m fifty-eight years old!

Tammy: Thirty to fifty.

Marietta: Oh, sweet Jesus.

Amy: Come on, Marietta. Cougars are fun!

Marietta: Sure, but that ain’t me!

Tammy: Fine, forty-five to sixty.

Marietta: Whatever. I just don’t want to show up and have the guy look like he could be my grandson!

Tammy: Distance? Within five miles sound good?

Marietta: Are you kidding me? I live three miles from here, I can travel a lot further than that for a man!

Amy: I like live forty miles.

Marietta: You do not. That would mean you lived in Pearl River!

Amy: I’m not good with distance.

Marietta: You’re still better than Tammy.

Tammy: Are you thinking ten miles?

Marietta: Thirty.

Tammy: You really wanna date someone from across Lake Pontchartrain?

Marietta: Twenty.

Tammy: There ya go!

Amy: What are you putting for relationship status?

Tammy: Experienced.

Marietta: I like that, actually.

Tammy: Age?

Marietta: Fifty-eight. I just mentioned that two minutes ago.

Tammy: I’m writing “timeless beauty.”

Marietta: Is your brain broken?

Amy: Yes.

Tammy: Do you want kids?

Marietta: Uh…

Tammy: I’m writing “No, but I can totally have them!”

Marietta: Tammy!

Four hours later…

Marietta: Tammy! Amy! Get in here!

Amy: Oh no, did Marissa tell you?

Marietta: Did Marissa tell me what? Why would Marissa be telling me anything?

Amy: You didn’t hear?

Marietta: What?

Tammy: The city council voted down your airport safety plan that Governor Birkman asked us to propose.

Marietta: Oh, so what.

Amy: We worked really hard on that!

Marietta: To quote the television Christmas classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: there’s always tomorrow.

Tammy: What were you calling us in for? I’m old, shouting like that could give me a heart attack.

Marietta: I matched with someone!

Tammy: My magic worked!

Marietta: Somehow, it did. Who woulda thought?

Tammy: Me! I’m good.

Marietta: We’re going out tonight.

Amy: You move fast!

Tammy: What do you know about him?

Marietta: He’s cute. He’s fifty-three.

Tammy: Rawr.

Marietta: I’m not a cougar! He’s four years younger than me, not forty. Anyway, he’s a lawyer, and he’s divorced.

Tammy: He could be okay, but explore your options, okay.

Marietta: Okay, I’ll only put in some effort tonight.

Tammy: Good girl!

That night, as Marietta is driving to Patty Lynn and Martin’s…

Sarah: Auntie Marietta, why are you taking me back to grandma and grandpa’s? You just picked me up two hours ago?

Marietta: Oh, Sarah. You wouldn’t understand.

Sarah: Are you going on a date?

Marietta: Why, yes. Yes, I am. I can’t believe you knew that!

Sarah: You’re all dressed up, and you never get dressed up to see your friends.

Marietta: Tammy’s used to casual me, I don’t want to ruin that for her.

Sarah: I think it’s good that you’re getting out there again! Dad told me you’ve been so lonely since you and Uncle Danny broke up.

Marietta: I have not been lonely. I’ve been living independently. Now I want to stop that.

Sarah: You have me!

Marietta: I love that I have you, but I’m looking for some romance too, you know?

Sarah: I know, you need a man.

Marietta: Exactly!

Sarah: I need a boyfriend, too.

Marietta: No, you most certainly do not.

Sarah: Worth a try.

Marietta: Try again next year!

Sarah: Look, we’re here!

Marietta: We sure are. Don’t tell your grandmother what I’m doing tonight. She’d have so many questions.

Sarah: My lips are sealed!

Marietta and Sarah walk up to the door. Martin opens it.

Martin: There’s two of my favorite girls!

Kathleen: Aww, Marietta. You look so pretty!

Marietta: Thank you!

Kathleen: Got a hot date?

Marietta: What? Why would you ask that?

Patty Lynn: Tammy called!

Marietta: Damn her!

Patty Lynn: Why would you not tell your mother that you’re going on a date?

Marietta: Believe it or not, you’re not high up there on the list of things I think about when I’m in the mood for romance.

Martin: What’s his name?

Marietta: I actually don’t know. Let me check.

Kathleen: Wow, it was love at first sight.

Marietta: It’s on a dating site.

Patty Lynn: Be careful with those! Serial killers use those to find victims!

Marietta: I can think of no potential victim more low-profile than the Mayor of New Orleans. I’m a prime serial killer target.

Patty Lynn: You never know!

Marietta: His name’s Jim. That’s what my phone tells me, at least.

Kathleen: I dated a guy named Jim once.

Patty Lynn: You’ve dated someone with every name at least once!

Kathleen: Are you calling me a slut?

Patty Lynn: I’m saying you date a lot. 

Marietta: Okay, I’m gonna go. You have fun, Sarah.

Sarah: It’s gonna be loads of fun!

Martin: I’ll put on an old Bette Davis movie for you, I know she’s your favorite.

Later that night, at the Gulfside Grille…

Marietta: Jim! Is that you?

Jim: Marietta! Or should I call you Madam Mayor?

Marietta: Absolutely not. Marietta is my name, just call me that.

Jim: Okay, Mayor Marietta.

Marietta: Just Marietta.

Jim: That feels so disrespectful.

Marietta: We’re on a date, you can call me by my first name.

Jim: Okay, then. So when we’re not on a date, I should call you “Mayor Landfield?”

Marietta: Sure. Now, let’s order some dinner.

Ten minutes later…

Marietta: You know too well what I do for a living, but we haven’t talked about what you do yet. You’re a lawyer, right?

Jim: Yes, I’m a civil attorney. It’s a rewarding job. I’ve actually been able to work with quite a few local politicians. Never you, though. I’ve always been really interested in politics, you know? I think I might run for office one day myself.

Marietta: Well, enough about work. What do you like to do for fun?

Jim: I watch a lot of C-SPAN.

Marietta: So you’re familiar with my work!

Jim: Yes. It’s always been a dream of mine to get to work with you.

Marietta: Looks like we’re getting back into work now! Yay!

The next day, when Marietta walks into the office…

Marietta: I have another date tonight!

Tammy: You’re moving fast!

Marietta: Not with that guy. He was a freak!

Tammy: You didn’t enjoy being an object of desire again?

Marietta: The only thing he desired about me was my job title. I’m fairly certain he’s gonna run against me in a few years.

Amy: Did you at least kiss?

Marietta: We did not. It’s okay, though. I don’t want to re-pop my cherry with someone who isn’t interested in me at all.

Amy: What do you think popping your cherry means?

Marietta: Kissing! Your lips kinda make a popping sound and they’re red like cherries. What does it actually mean?

Amy: Something we shouldn’t be talking about at work.

That night, at the Port Lounge…

Marietta: Are you…?

Man: It’s Richard.

Marietta: Richard! Nice to meet you!

Richard: Great to meet you, as well. Let’s go grab a table.

Marietta: That sounds great. I’m starving.

Marietta and Richard sit down.

Marietta: I feel like I should mention that I’m not very experienced at dating. It’s been a while.

Richard: Really? You’re a timeless beauty, I find it hard to believe that no one’s taken you on a date.

Marietta: I was married for nearly thirty years before I got divorced.

Richard: I’m glad I’m not alone here.

Marietta: You’re divorced?

Richard: Sure am. Fifteen years together, then she cheated on me and we split two years back. What happen-

Marietta gets a call.

Marietta: Sorry, I have to take this.

Marietta walks outside to pick up.

Kate: Hey, Marietta!

Marietta: What’s going on?

Ellie: Did you ask her yet, Kate?

Kate: I’m getting to it!

Marietta: What are you asking me, exactly?

Kate: Ellie wanted to kno-

Ellie: You also wanted to know, Katherine.

Kate: We wanted to know if we could come watch the Super Bowl with you guys.

Marietta: That’s it? Of course you can. Now, I have to get back to my date before the guy I’m with thinks I’m ditching him.

Kate: You’re on a date and you picked up a call from me? Honey, hang up now and get your man! Good luck, see you on Sunday!

Marietta hangs up and runs back inside.

Marietta: I’m so sorry, Richard. It was just one of my friends calling me.

Richard: Oh, don’t worry. We all get interrupted now and again. So, what were we saying?

Marietta: We were talking about divorce!

Richard: Let’s move on from that if its okay.

Marietta: Fine by me! What do you do for a living? 

Richard: I’m a chiropractor. It’s not a fun job per-se, but it’s rewarding because I get to make people feel better. How about you?

Marietta: You already know what I do, right?

Richard: I don’t. Am I supposed to?

Marietta: I’m the Mayor of New Orleans.

Richard: We have a mayor?

Marietta: Yeah. I’m kind of a big deal. I’ve been told I could be President.

Richard: A mayor becoming President? That’s a litt-

Marietta gets another call.

Marietta: I am so sorry. I need to take this.

Richard: You do?

Marietta: I do.

Marietta walks outside again and answers the call.

Milton: Marietta!

Marietta: What, Milton? I’m on a date.

Milton: How is Sarah?

Marietta: I don’t know, I’m on a date. Fine, I guess?

Milton: So I was hearing right. I can’t believe it!

Marietta: That’s the consistent response.

Milton: My sister, on a date. With who?

Marietta: I forget, because everyone keeps calling me.

Milton: Where is Sarah while you’re on this date?

Marietta: I left her at the bus stop. I think she was heading toward Biloxi.

Milton: Where is she?

Marietta: Mom and dad’s!

Milton: I’m gonna call them.

Marietta: You do that! Bye, Milton!

Marietta rushes back inside.

Marietta: Once again, where were we?

Richard: We w-

Marietta’s phone rings again.

Marietta: Oh, come on! I’ll be back!

Marietta goes back outside and answers.

Marissa: Mayor Landfield! Great news!

Marietta: Marissa, hi! Is it possible to speak at another time?

Marissa: Can I tell you something really quickly? I want to be the first one to tell you!

Marietta: Sure, why not?

Marissa: I just got out of a late-night city council meeting. I’m thrilled to report that we were able to work out a few kinks and we were able to get councilor Adams to back the airport safety bill. It’s going into law!

Marietta: That’s great! Is that all you had to say?

Marissa: Sure is.

Marietta: See you tomorrow to sign the bill?

Marissa: Sounds great!

Marietta: Okay, see ya then!

Marietta hangs up and runs back into the restaurant.

Richard: Marietta, this isn’t going to work.

Marietta: What? I promise I’m not always like this! It’s just work and family and the majority leader of the US Senate all having the bold idea to interrupt us on this day. I’m not always this busy.

Richard: Are you sure?

Marietta: Yeah! Some days I get to watch like six whole episodes of House Hunters!

Richard: I can’t be with someone who won’t ever fully be here with me even when I’m physically with her.

Marietta: Oh well. You didn’t even know I was mayor. You’re not a catch.

The next day, at work…

Tammy: How did it go?

Marietta: I don’t want to talk about it.

Amy: It couldn’t have been that bad! What, did he have a unibrow? Smell like garlic? Was he a Republican?

Tammy: Was he a fan of Florida Georgia Line?

Amy: Was he born in Tennessee?

Tammy: Was he shorter than you?

Amy: Was he born in New Jersey?

Tammy: Did he talk about how much he loves Martha Stewart?

Amy: Was he born in Florida?

Marietta: No, none of those things! Man, I have a lot of deal breakers.

Amy: What was it, then?

Marietta: It was my fault. I kept leaving the table to talk on the phone.

Tammy: Why did you do that?

Marietta: People kept calling me. I’m very popular.

Amy: Your approval ratings don’t say the same thing.

Marietta: Don’t you even start. Now, I have another date tonight and this one isn’t getting messed up because I’m turning my phone off.

Tammy: Good idea!

Marietta: I hope he doesn’t try to murder me.

Amy: If he does, pull off your high heel and stab him in the eye. I saw that on Law & Order: SVU.

Tammy: We’re bad at working.

Marietta: Yeah, we’re not productive. We should save these talks for lunch, maybe we could work then.

Amy: Nah, that’s what interns are for.

That night, at the Cozy Café…

Marietta: Hey, uh, Jeanie. Have you seen this man?

Jeanie: Is he missing?

Marietta: He’s me date.

Jeanie: I haven’t seen him, no.

Marietta: I guess he’s running late. Could I order a coffee while I wait?

Jeanie: I’m the hostess, not a waitress.

Marietta: Oh. In that case, can you direct me to a waitress?

Jeanie: No. Not until your full party is here.

Marietta: You’re a joy.

Two hours later…

Jeanie: You’re still here? He isn’t coming. Not hard to see why.

Marietta: I am a catch, okay? This Graham fellow who stood me up is the one that’s missing out. Now, I’m gonna go home and have dinner with my parents and my niece. It’s not as sad as it sounds.

The next day, at the office…

Marietta: I’m done!

Tammy: You’re not that old, you’re not gonna die that soon. You got at least ten good years left.

Marietta: What? I mean I’m done online dating!

Tammy: Oh, sorry. I’ve been watching Dateline.

Amy: Did you finally find the one?

Marietta: I didn’t find anyone. He stood me up! Three strikes and I’m out. No more online dating for me.

Amy: It’s not for everyone.

Tammy: Is it for anyone?

Marietta: Not anyone as old as us. These sites are biased against us. I don’t care, though. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I have you two.

Tammy: Aww, that’s so sweet.

Amy: I love you guys, too.

Marietta: Oh my god, I sounded so pathetic.

What did you think of the new episode of Marietta? Comment your thoughts, listen to the official season three playlist, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!

Who was your favorite character in Marietta Season 3 Episode 15 "The New Adventures of Old Marietta?"
Patty Lynn

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