Season 3 Episode 14
Written by
William Fry & Michael Ledesma
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
Andrew and Megan eat breakfast at the dining table. Edison enters and opens the fridge and looks for something to eat.
ANDREW
Hey, so Brittaney and Mario will meet us at the restaurant.
MEGAN
Great.
Edison shuts the fridge.
EDISON
What’s going on?
ANDREW
Oh, Megan, Sarah, Britt, Mario, and I are having Valentine’s day dinner together.
EDISON
Today’s Valentine’s Day?
MEGAN
Yeah.
EDISON
Huh. I guess I kind of forgot. What time should I get dressed?
ANDREW
Um Edison, you’re… not invited.
EDISON
Say what now?
ANDREW
This is a couple’s dinner and you’re… not in a couple.
EDISON
Neither is Megan.
MEGAN
Actually, I am.
EDISON
What! Since when?
MEGAN
Since yesterday. I got a bumble date.
EDISON
Seriously. What am I supposed to do tonight while you all are having dinner?
ANDREW
Well, do your chores. The plates still haven’t been cleaned.
The three look at the sink. It is flooded with dirty plates and cups.
EDISON
It’s fine.
ANDREW
Look Edison I’m sorry but you're the third wheel.
MEGAN
More like the seventh wheel.
EDISON
Fine, you six go enjoy your romantic couples’ dinner. I’ll just stay here and live out my single life.
Andrew and Megan look at each other and then at Edison.
ANDREW
Okay then.
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
The three couples sit at a round table in a fine dining restaurant. Megan sits next to a red-haired woman.
SARAH
So, Jessica, what do you do?
JESSICA
I’m a hairstylist.
SARAH
Oh, cool.
JESSICA
Yeah, you know, if you girls want, I can give you all a discount on your next appointment. Even you guys can come by.
ANDREW
Thanks, I might actually do that.
Edison approaches the table with an older pretty woman.
EDISON
Hey guys, what’s up? Sorry, we’re late, but Sugar and I got stuck in traffic.
Edison goes over to a table and steals two chairs. He squeezes them in between Megan and Sarah. He and Sugar sit down in them.
EDISON
So, what are we talking about? I think I heard someone mention Andrew’s hair. I’ve got a lot to say about that subject.
ANDREW
Edison, can I talk to you?
EDISON
Sure.
Andrew and Edison get up and walk over next to the bathrooms.
EDISON
What’s up?
ANDREW
Edison, please tell me you didn’t hire a prostitute to bring to our couples Valentine's day dinner.
EDISON
Andrew, she’s a human being, and for legal reasons, she prefers the term “escort".
ANDREW
Oh my gosh, you hired a prostitute.
EDISON
Yes, I did.
ANDREW
Okay, why?
EDISON
Cause I’m sick of being the seventh wheel. You all have relationships and date nights and I’m just alone at home eating an entire sweet potato pie and binge-watching MasterChef.
ANDREW
Edison-
EDISON
Let me have this Andrew. Let me spend the most romantic day of the year surrounded by romance.
Andrew contemplates the situation.
ANDREW
Okay fine. But no one else can know that she’s a prosti-escort. Okay?
EDISON
Great. Now can get back to the dinner, I’m being charged 100 bucks an hour and I want to get my money's worth.
Andrew and Edison return to the table.
SARAH
Is everything alright?
ANDREW
Yeah. Everyone, this is-
EDISON
Sugar.
ANDREW
Sugar. Edison’s date.
SUGAR
Hey.
The group nods in greeting.
MEGAN
So, Sugar, what do you do?
SUGAR
Well, I work a lot with… people.
MEGAN
Oh, cool.
BRITTANEY
So how did you two meet?
SUGAR
We-
EDISON
Met at the grocery store. We both reached for the last box of Zebra Cakes. You could say it was love at first sight.
ANDREW
Really?
EDISON
Yes, Andrew. Not everyone can run across campus, slip on a patch of ice, break their ass, and confess their love to someone.
JESSICA
You broke your ass?
ANDREW
Tailbone. I broke my tailbone.
BRITTANEY
Well then, it still sounds romantic.
The waiter comes over to the table.
WAITER
Are we ready to order?
MARIO
Yes, my girlfriend and I will have the shrimp pasta.
BRITTANEY
Actually, -
EDISON
Britts allergic to shellfish.
MARIO
You are?
BRITTANEY
Yeah.
MARIO
Oh, sorry.
BRITTANEY
It’s okay. I’ll have the fettuccini alfredo.
The waiter takes the rest of the orders and leaves.
Sugar looks at Edison and Brittaney.
SUGAR
Did you two use to date?
BRITTANEY
What?
SUGAR
Were y’all two a thing?
Edison and Brittaney look at each other.
EDISON
We… dated?
BRITTANEY
Yes. But then we broke up and now I’m with Mario.
SUGAR
Hmmmmm
SARAH
What?
SUGAR
I don’t know. I just see the way you two look at each other. Almost like…
EDISON
Like there’s still a spark?
ANDREW
Edison, don’t.
EDISON
Because I’ve always thought that she and I were meant to be. Not her and Mr. Italian.
ANDREW
Edison!
SUGAR
I think you’re right. You two are meant to be together.
EDISON
See Britt, even SHE thinks that we should be together.
BRITTANEY
Edison please stop.
EDISON
But Britt-
Brittaney starts to tear up.
BRITTANEY
Please stop.
MARIO
Edison, I think you should leave.
EDISON
Excuse me? Last time I checked you’re not even in our friend group.
MARIO
We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
EDISON
Is that a threat?
MARIO
Maybe.
Edison and Mario both stand up threateningly.
SUGARS
Boys, boys stop it. You both love this girl right.
Edison and Mario don’t answer.
SUGAR
You know, I had two clients who both loved me. That’s one of the downsides of being an escort.
SARAH
I’m sorry what? Did you just say escort?
ANDREW
Oh my gosh.
MEGAN
Whoa.
SARAH
You brought a prostitute to our Valentine’s dinner?
SUGAR
Escort.
Sarah turns to Andrew.
SARAH
Did you know about this?
ANDREW
No. No, I definitely did not know about this.
SARAH
You’re lying.
ANDREW
He just told me, okay?
SARAH
You have a really big issue telling people things, huh?
ANDREW
Oh c’mon.
SARAH
Whatever, Britt and I are leaving. C’mon girl, let’s get you home.
A teary-eyed Brittaney leaves with Sarah.
Mario leaves.
ANDREW
Congrats Edison, you managed to ruin Valentine’s Day.
Andrew gets up and leaves.
JESSICA
Your friends are really weird.
MEGAN
They’re not really friends, more like acquaintances.
Sugar gets up.
SUGAR
So, do you want to pay me now or do you want to keep the night going? For an extra hundred, I’ll let you choke me.
Edison pulls out some money and gives it to Sugar.
EDISON
Just go.
Sugar takes the money and leaves.
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Edison and Megan enter the apartment. Andrew is sitting on the couch. Andrew stands up.
ANDREW
I’m only gonna say this once. You need to move on Edison. Brittaney has and now it’s time for you too. No more plans to win her back. No more telling her that you two belong together. Okay? Cause if you keep doing this, not only are you going to ruin your friendship with her but you’re going to ruin your friendship with us. Understand?
Edison nods.
ANDREW
Okay then. Now both of you get to bed.
MEGAN
What did I do?
Andrew gives the two of them a death stare.
MEGAN
You know, I’m actually feeling a little tired.
Edison and Megan go to their room. Andrew lays back down on the couch.
ANDREW
(To Himself)
Happy Valentine’s Day to me.
END.