Written Scripting a Kitchen Nightmare by Bridger Cunningham
Humor is in the eye of the beholder. Whether in our television shows or the publicity surrounding them, there is plenty to mock. The Dynasty revival does not differ here, as naysayers are ready to pounce on any sentence or plot point. But of course, a little fantasy never hurts. Imagine the clicks a Youtube cip would receive if the writers inserted this dialogue and plotting into a given episode of Dynasty:(Cristal walks into her lavish kitchen, preparing herself for a snack. She hesitates as Joseph has finished tidying up)
Cristal: "Good morning, Joseph."
Joseph: "Too bad you didn't choose to utter that 4 hours earlier. Saying so at 11:00 makes you rather dated. Much like your extramarital affair with the recently deceased Mr. Blaisdel."
Cristal: "The only dated part of your words is my involvement with Matthew. And your timing is rather tasteless considering this week's developments."
Joseph: "Yes, the memories of that wake earlier this week. And how I rue to think of how Mr. Blaisdel's wake shall play out in the upcoming days."
Cristal: "If that wake you are referring to pertains to my wedding day, please remember I am now your employer and would appreciate pleasantries when I walk into this kitchen, no snarky and snide insults from a household fixture."
Joseph: "If you want pleasantries, may I suggest you not walk down here in that dreadful robe? It makes you look even gaudier and out of place inside this building than you already are. You look tacky."
Cristal: "And you look perfect in your outfit. Good day."
(Brushes past Joseph, who exits the kitchen. Cristal prepares a cup of coffee and gazes into her impeccable kitchen. She walks over to the window and is entranced by the impeccably-maintained grounds and enjoys a moment watching the birds. She sips her coffee, taking a delightful sip of her coffee with a sigh of joy. She then hears another sigh, followed by a female moan. Cristal looks around to investigate the vocal exchange, sets down her coffee cup and realizes the sounds originates from the butler's pantry around the corner. Cristal opens the door to investigate to find Fallon with a groundskeeper in a compromising position)
Fallon (noticing Cristal): "Do you mind? Our other guests always respect other people's privacy."
Cristal: "Speaking of guests, would you mind introducing me to yours?"
David: "You must be the new Mrs. Carrington. I'm David, I take care of your garden. It is a delight to meet you. I cut a bouquet of fresh flowers for you. We were just looking for a vase..."
Cristal: "Where, under Fallon's blouse?"
Fallon: "You are full of hot air!"
Cristal: "And at the moment, you are all wet."
(David exits the butler's pantry, scrambling to get his shirt on and exit the kitchen)
David: "It was lovely to meet you." (holding up the flowers) "I hope you enjoy my welcome gift." (exits)
Cristal (to Fallon): "And we know he delivered your gift."
Fallon (scurries out of the butler's pantry, buttoning her blouse): "You have some nerve!"
Cristal: "Apparently, not as much as you. Tell me. Where does David fall in your paradigm of dabbling with Culhane and Jeff? Is he a placeholder in between rotations?"
Fallon: "He CAME to give you a gift. Lord knows why?"
Cristal: "I'm sure he CAME into the kitchen with the intention of a welcome gift. Only, you came."
Fallon: "I told him to stick those weeds in you and be on his way but he expressed intense interest."
Cristal: "Stick them in me?"
Fallon: "I told him to stick them in crystal. You know? That hollow, clear glass you fill with liquids. So shallow and dispensable. No wonder your parents gave you its namesake."
Cristal: "While I will refrain from insulting your father? What were your parents thinking when they named you Fallon? Perhaps they foreshadowed you brandishing the nickname "Fallon Between My Legs" when you became an adult?"
Fallon: "You should be honored a man as worthy as David came bearing gifts, even if they were as new money as flowers grown on the ground. Lord knows something as empty as you needs a cheap fill."
Cristal: "Perhaps instead of seeking your own cheap fill, you should get to work. Now be on your way and leave me be." (begins arranging the flowers, begins filling a vase)
Fallon: "You don't belong here!"
Cristal: "In this conversation. For the first time ever, I agree with an insipid twit."
Fallon: "The only place your discussions seem to be popular is in the kitchen where you seem to do best."
Cristal: "Speaking of 'Do what you do best,' how are Michael, Jeff or whoever your flavor is of the day?"
Fallon: "Just like you, they run icy as that freezer."
Cristal: "If anyone knows how to navigate one, it's you. I've counted a good four encounters in there or in the refrigerator you've had with nameless appointments."
Fallon: "What's the matter? You don't like men touching the fruits? Really Cristal. Your sour grapes could use a man's touch."
Cristal: "Since I seem to belong in a kitchen as you implied, need I remind you of their etiquette and us? They are for preparing and enjoying meals. Not a saucy lady prepping foreplay. That kind of mess like you is best served in a large bowl. The toilet bowl!"
Fallon: "Eat me, golddigger."
Cristal: "I'd rather not indulge in a yeasty mess."
Fallon: "You seem to also fit here as kitchens also make ideal settings for disposing of bodies like you likely have in your day."
Cristal: "I'm a resourceful women in the kitchen. Why waste a good knife on a vile tart like you when I can just show your scheduled johns photos of who's passed through this kitchen, and you? They'll rid me of a nuisance so they won't wind up another number in the free clinic."
Fallon: "Better watch out and not let the oven door hit your wide load on the way in like the other Mrs. Carringtons."
Cristal: "How is your mother? Is her gingerbread siding holding up during this weather? I heard she has stooped to calling over college boys to nail her rotting crevices."
Fallon: "You'll find out soon enough. She always conveniently shows up when it's time to throw out the trash."
Cristal: "If that is so, it looks like you and I will be traveling together."
Fallon: "I'm old money and never stoop to trash like you. I recycle!"
Cristal: "And half of the men in town seem to enjoy recycling you, then escaping calling you until you flash your Vacancy Sign."
(Fallon grabs the vase and hurls the water Cristal's direction. Drenched and appalled, Cristal hurdles the contents of a sugar bowl at Fallon)
Cristal: "Now your next paramour has something to lick off of you!"
(Fallon lunges for Cristal's hair, shoving her head into the sink and turns on the faucet)
Fallon: "Nothing like a whore's bath to wash the stank of Matthew off your vile body!)
(Cristal grabs the flowers and begins swatting Fallon until she lets her grip go. Cristal flings her damp hair into the sink. Fallon charges toward her, and Cristal throws a dirty sink rag in her face. Fallon flings the rag down, then slaps Cristal across the face. As she tries to flee, Cristal grabs her blouse, turns her back and slaps her across the face with the bouquet, knocking the wind out of her. Cristal throws the broken bouquet at Fallon, as Fallon hurdles the empty vase at Cristal as it crashes across the kitchen).
Fallon: "Looks like cheap crystal is easy to break like my father's other mistresses."
(Crystal lunges for Fallon, and the ladies continue their feud on the floor, as Blake and Steven rush in)
Blake: "Ladies, knock this nonsense off!"
(The ladies continue to fight and Steven proceeds to record the encounter, so Blake rushes over to the sink, grabs the hose and sprays the ladies)
Blake: "If you ladies are going to fight like pigs, I'll get the hose and give you some mud!"
Steven: "They have to be outside to mud wrestle, dad"
(Blake shoots the hose at Steven, nailing him in the pants)
Blake: "Keep trying to exploit your family like that, and I'll make you piss your pants. Now beat it!" (Steven scurries off). "And as for you two, get off the floor and behave like ladies. Carrington women do not roll around on the ground and behave like that."
Fallon: "She'll never be a Carrington!"
(Blake shoots her with the hose)
Blake: "Now knock it off, stand up and get changed young lady! I've had enough of the both of you feuding like this!"
