Betty is standing in the driveway.
Betty: Are you sure you don’t want to go with us?
Jeanette: Bet, I’m not even a month out from a hip replacement. I’m happy to stay home and watch the house with Rick. We’ve gone on plenty of vacations, we can miss one.
Betty: It’s gonna be fun!
Jeanette: I’ve been to your beach house before. It’s lovely, but I’ve got the opportunity to go again next year. I just need to heal for now.
Betty: Maine is an ideal place to recover.
Jeanette: Sure, but I’d have to spend ten hours in a car in order to get there. I’d rather not.
Betty: Why not? Rest does the body good!
Jeanette: I’m. Not supposed to be sitting for prolonged periods of time like that. I really appreciate how much you clearly want me to go, but it’s going to have to wait until next year.
Rick: Besides, I’m going to keep your store open along with frank’s dad.
Karl: Don’t remind her, she’s already not thrilled about that.
Frank: I’ve told you, you can trust my dad.
Betty: I don’t even trust you, why would I trust your dad?
Frank: That’s not very nice.
Betty: You’re just catching on now?
Teri: Mom, we are literally leaving now. I think Jeanette’s firm in her decision. Get in the RV.
Betty: I’m going to miss you.
Cindy: You coped just fine when you lived several states apart. You can cope with it again.
Betty: I guess so.
Teri: All right, now get in the damn RV.
Betty: We’ll see you in a week.
Jeanette: You’ll survive, don’t have such a long face. I’m the one with a new hip and scars.
Betty: I didn’t say anything.
Rick: Sometimes, a look says a thousand words.
Betty: I’m going now. Last chance to change your mind!
Jeanette: Get in the damn RV!
Betty: Can you at least keep Frank?
Frank: I can hear you!
Betty: I’m aware.
Five hours later…
Betty: I have to pee.
Karl: We have a bathroom, dear. It’s one of the main draws of an RV. You only have to stop when the driver needs to get up.
Teri: And, if you’re really skilled, not even then.
Karl: Excuse me?
Teri: If the incoming driver jumps into the driver’s seat at the same time the outgoing driver jumps out of their seat, the RV never has to stop.
Ralph: Well, that sounds like a sure way to ensure the early demise of all of us.
Alysa: There’s a baby on board, we have to be careful.
Danielle: Is my life inherently worth less than a baby’s?
Teri: Should I answer that honestly?
Danielle: Let’s not start the vacation off on a sour note.
Ralph: So Jerry, how’s the bullet wound healing?
Danielle: That’s probably another topic to shelve for vacation.
Jerry: No, I’m happy to talk about it. I think it makes me look cool. I have a wound from the line of duty. That didn’t even happen to me during two tours in Iraq and Afghanistan!
Karl: Please, don’t get Ralph started on Iraq.
Ralph: it was an illegal war!
Jerry: It was a war for freedom!
Ralph: I think you believe what you did is valiant -
Jerry: What I did was valiant!
Ralph: Dick Cheney!
Karl: We are on vacation, we are NOT talking about Dick Cheney!
Teri: I think any good vacation includes a bit of Dick Cheney talk. Dick talk for short.
Tammi: My son is right here.
Teri: Your married son who has a child?
Steven: She has a point.
Tammi: No, no she does not. You are still my innocent little boy!
Betty: You know, Teri, maybe you should ask them for advice on conceiving a child. It seemed to come quite easily for them.
Danielle: I change my mind. Karl, crash the RV.
Karl: Believe me, I’ve considered it. One little move and I can turn this bitch into that Malaysian airplane that splashed into the Indian Ocean!
Teri: My god, dad, that was dark!
Karl: When you’re subjected to this family 24/7, the thoughts get dark.
Cindy: Maybe let’s change the subject to something more positive.
Tammi: I hear there’s a new Toy Story coming out soon.
Betty: I’ll never forget that you all went to see Toy Story 4 without me!
Teri: You were in the hospital with a staph infection!
Betty: That makes it even worse!
Cindy: Guys, he’s veering towards the guardrail.
Betty: Karl! This is a rental!
Jerry: What’s the difference, it’s not like any of us will be alive to pay for the damage.
Betty: Don’t encourage him!
Five hours later…
Betty: Ah, home sweet home!
Teri: Finally, I can get some distance from you people.
Betty: That’s not very nice.
Teri: Neither is being stuck on an RV with ten fellow lunatics.
Ralph: At least she’s aware she’s part of the problem!
Betty: Everyone should just get their luggage to their rooms and get settled in, we have an early day tomorrow.
Cindy: That’s a good one, mom. Tell another joke!
Betty: I’m serious! We’re heading to Kennebunkport for a whale watch. It’s at 10 AM.
Teri: Question: am I allowed to throw myself off the boat?
Betty: No!
Teri: Am I allowed to recite Moby Dick aloud to all on board for the duration of the trip
Betty: Why do you give me such a hard time?
Teri: Um, because I do not want to do this. Is that a good answer?
Betty: Can you just try to be more open-minded?
Teri: I’m plenty openminded. I’d just rather rest tomorrow after a ten-hour car ride than go on a boat looking for giant fish.
Betty: They’re mammals.
Steven: She’s right, they are.
Teri: Keep it moving, honeymooners. Nothing to see here.
Alysa: If it’s any help, I don’t really want to go whale-watching tomorrow, either.
Karl: But we all will, because if you all ruin this vacation for Betty, I’m never going to hear the end of it. So we’re going to wake up early, put on our happy faces, and look at some whales off the coast of Maine.
Alysa: I guess so.
Cindy: I love that our annual family vacation is more a hostage situation than a leisurely trip.
Ralph: That’s the story of our lives, isn’t it?
The next day…
Teri: I’m so tired.
Betty: I warned you not to stay up too late.
Teri: I saw the board in the front office. It said they’re also going out at 1:30. Why did you not book that trip instead?
Betty: That would take up too much of the day. Now we can go do something else afterwards!
Teri: Yeah, because there’s just so much to do here in Maine.
Betty: There is!
Teri: I love it here, but not because it’s filled with things to do. It’s a quiet, sleepy place where life slows down a bit and we can just relax by the sea. And that’s really what I’d rather be doing right now.
Ralph: Just get on the boat, Teri. Complaining isn’t going to make it go by any faster.
Teri: You love complaining!
Ralph: There’s a time and a place.
Alysa: I get seasick easily.
Danielle: I got like six dramamine in my purse.
Alysa: Can you take that while you’re breastfeeding?
Danielle: When I was breastfeeding my coaches, we took whatever. There weren’t any warnings against taking whatever pills you needed, and they all turned out fine.
Alysa: You have kids?
Danielle: I talk about them.
Alysa: No you don’t.
Tammi: It’s funny to see you two talking. It’s like when two characters on a sitcom that interact have a little side-plot together.
One hour later…
Teri: This is nice.
Betty: Don’t even.
Teri: Are you mad?
Betty: You made a big scene when they told you about the life vests.
Teri: Making you wear a life vest on a whale watching trip is a ridiculous requirement.
Betty: It’s not a requirement. If you’d let them talk before you started complaining, you would have known they were only explaining that they were available in case of emergency and that they were demonstrating how to use them.
Karl: It’s done now. We’re known as “those people.”
Teri: I don’t know what you mean by that.
Karl: We’re the people everyone else on the boat looks at and says “Wow, those people are crazy.”
Ralph: It’s not like it’s inaccurate.
Frank: I’m not crazy.
Ralph: God, where’d you come from.
Frank: I was in the bathroom.
Teri: They got a bathroom on this thing?
Cindy: Do you listen at all?
Teri: I was just focused on how I could get my hands on one of those neat whale hats those other people are wearing.
Cindy: I think at the gift shop.
Teri: But that’s so far away.
Cindy: I think we’ll head back soon enough. I don’t think they’re planning to cross the Atlantic in this thing.
Jerry: Hopefully sooner than later.
Betty: We just left! We haven’t even seen a whale yet!
Jerry: I’m okay with that.
Betty: I’m not. I will see a whale today.
Teri: I think you can look up a picture on your phone. You don’t even have to float around on the ocean for hours to do it.
Announcer: At 3 o’clock starboard, you can see a breaching humpback. That does appear to be a humpback we see pretty often on our tour, he’s a friendly guy, we call him Lenny, and he does like to hang out for a while. He’s an entertainer at heart.
Ralph: Aww, kinda like mom.
Betty: I gotta get a picture!
Teri: We gotta go to the ledge, we’re too far away here.
Jerry: I can’t even see the damn thing.
Cindy: That’s because there’s a pole in the way! Stand up!
Jerry: They said not to walk around too much while the boat’s in motion!
Cindy: We stopped now.
Jerry: I still feel it rocking now.
Ralph: Well, you know hat they say about rocking the boat… don’t tip it over.
Alysa: How would you tip a boat this big over?
Tammi: It’s a song, honey. They’re very old.
Ralph: You’re not even twenty years younger than me. You can thank your parents getting an early start on parenthood for that one.
Betty: Oh, look at that picture! That got so good!
Teri: Let me see!
Betty: Careful, the boat is -
The boat rocks and causes Teri to drop Betty’s camera into the ocean.
Jerry: See, this is why I remained seated.
Betty: All my pictures are on that camera!
Ralph: Think of it this way, mom: no one even has a camera anymore.
Cindy: Do they even sell cameras in-store these days? Or do you have to go on Amazon and order it without ever having seen it? I hate online shopping.
Ralph: Of course you do, you’re a boomer.
Cindy: Do you want to end up in the same place as mom’s camera?
Ralph: As much as I’d love to get away from all of you, that seems like a very chilly way to die.
Betty: Speaking of which, I am freezing!
Ralph: We could be sitting inside the enclosed section, where they have heat.
Betty: There’s no fun in that!
Danielle: Because this has been such a blast so far.
Frank: We got to see a whale, that’s something.
Danielle: Frank, enough. I’m not here for it today.
Two hours later…
Teri: Look, I’m very sorry I dropped your camera in the ocean and you missed out on photographing like sixteen whales, but I’m just saying, if we sat on the upper deck like I suggested, that never would’ve happened. It would’ve just fallen down to this level and it would be fine.
Betty: It’s fine. It’s fine. At least you got your whale hat. It looks very cute on you.
Teri: Thank you!
Steven: This is why I didn’t even get my phone out. I just took it all in mentally.
Alysa: I’m not feeling so well.
Tammi: Oh god, she’s pregnant again.
Danielle: No, I think my dramamine was just expired.
Alysa runs over to the side of the ship and throws up over the edge.
Ralph: Hey, look. Mom’s camera isn’t the only thing a member of this family is dropping into the ocean today!
Karl: I’d say day one of the vacation is a success, no?
Betty: I’m cold, wet, and without a camera. What do you think?
Karl: I’m going to take that as “leaning yes.”
Betty: I can’t wait to complain to Jeanette about this.
Ralph: The situation you are entirely responsible for putting yourself in?
Betty: Cindy, make good on that promise. Shove him overboard.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
