Betty, Karl, Jerry and Steven are working at the boutique when Jeanette and Rick stop in.
Jeanette: Oh my god, I can’t believe you’ve never shown us this place before!
Rick: This is actually a pretty nice little store.
Karl: Were you not expecting it to be nice?
Rick; Of course I was. I just didn’t expect it to be this nice. This is pretty high-end.
Jerry: Well, Betty’s a woman of high-end taste.
Betty: Exactly. I keep a pristine home.
Karl: Technically, our house has a blend of different tastes and styles. You didn’t decorate the whole thing.
Betty: Yes, but if anyone wanted to bring in anything I didn’t approve of… it finds a way to disappear rather easily.
Jerry: So you did throw my KISS picture out!
Betty: Obviously!
Jeanette: I feel like we’re opening up old wounds.
Rick: You think?
Karl: I’m gonna have to hear about this all day now.
Rick: Oh, look, a customer.
Steven: That’s not a customer, that’s grandpa.
Jerry: No, grandpa’s right here.
Steven: Other grandpa.
Calvin: Betty, what a lovely store you’ve got here!
Betty: What’s with everyone popping in my store for the first time today?
Calvin: It’s a beautiful spring day, I’m out for a walk. Isn’t it beautiful out? The perfect temperature, the perfect amount of sun and shade.
Rick: It really is.
Steven: Are these the sort of conversations people find interesting when you’re old?
Jerry: Not all of us.
Calvin: Anyway, I do have to admit that I’m not only here because the beautiful weather made me want to enjoy a walk. I’m stopping by local businesses downtown and asking if I can put up a flyer for the church’s Easter play. We’re reenacting the resurrection of Christ.
Betty: Like Jesus Christ Superstar?
Calvin: No, we couldn’t get the rights. Nor do we have the singing talent.
Betty: I think you should reenact It’s the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown.
Calvin: I don’t think that’s a religious production, is it?
Jerry: No!
Betty: But it’s so entertaining!
Jerry: I think there’s little more entertaining than the resurrection of our Lord.
Betty: I don’t know… Snoopy…
Jerry: He’s not Jesus.
Betty: I’m not gonna commit blasphemy here, but Snoopy is great. Nothing compares to Snoopy.
Calvin: I think we’re gonna stick with the resurrection. It’s only fitting at this time of year. Plenty of time for people to watch stories about the Easter Bunny and Snoopy at home. This is about honoring the Lord.
Rick: I know you guys do love your “Jesus” and your “Christianity” and your “Holly Bibble.”
Calvin: It’s pronounced “Holy Bible.”
Steven: I think he’s mocking you, grandpa.
Jeanette: Rick… it’s Easter. Give it a break.
Jerry: Oh god, I thought Ralph was the only filthy atheist we had in the family.
Rick: I’m not an atheist. I just don’t believe in basing my whole life around it.
Jerry: That’s almost as bad as being an Episcopalian!
Betty: I love Jesus, but I don’t really do the church thing either. I was a Mennonite growing up, but I don’t really know what that is or how it’s different from the other denominations.
Karl: You were a Mennonite?
Betty: Ah, wait, no. I was a Methodist. Mennonites were the people my parents used to buy cakes from.
Jerry: Fascinating!
Jeanette: I was gonna say… I didn’t think we were living like the ladies in Women Talking growing up. You’d think you’d have a memory of that growing up.
Calvin: Anyway, would you mind if I put up a flyer for the show? It’s happening on Good Friday, and we haven’t cast it yet, so I should probably get to work on that.
Jerry: You haven’t cast it yet?
Calvin: No, not so far. We weren’t sure it was even going to happen this year. I always had it at my old church, but you guys seemingly never did it here, so it took some convincing on my part to get it going.
Jerry: Keep me in mind for Jesus.
Calvin: You want to act? I never got the impression you had any interest in acting.
Jerry: This isn’t just any acting gig we’re talking about. It’s Jesus.
Calvin: He is a neat guy. We’ll have auditions after church on Sunday, so just stop on b y for those and maybe you can be our lead!
Jerry: I think I will!
Rick: Betty, you’re not gonna make us go to this, right?
Jerry: You should feel honored if I would decide to invite you.
Betty: You don’t have to go.
Rick: Thank God, who is real, but who I don’t like to rely on to fix all my problems.
Later that night…
Cindy: Babe, you look constipated. Dinner’s almost ready, you should g-
Jerry: I’m excited. This is a happy smile.
Cindy: I’m not used to seeing that!
Teri: None of us are. Someone get me a camera, we need this preserved.
Jerry: You guys are acting like I’m never happy.
Cindy: You just never show it. You’re stoic. It’s sexy, in an Ed Harris way.
Danielle: Do not compare this man to Ed Harris, the world’s sexiest man.
Betty: No, that’s Sam Elliott.
Karl: Excuse me?
Betty: After you, of course!
Teri: Ew!
Alysa: The world’s sexiest man is a tie between both guys from Heated Rivalry.
Teri: You kids, always so easily impressed by the latest thing shiny object. The sexiest man alive is David Spade.
Danielle: Excuse me?
Teri: He just oozes sex appeal.
Frank: All right, it’s too close to Easter for this.
Jerry: I’m glad you brought up Easter!
Teri: Yeah, I know, I wanted to remind mom and dad to make those chocolate peanut butter eggs before it’s too late.
Betty: We will, don’t worry.
Teri: Best news I’ve heard all week!
Jerry: So, the church is doing a dramatic reenactment of the resurrection of Jesus, and I want to audition to play Jesus.
Teri: You? An actor? Let’s be honest with ourselves.
Steven: You always tried to keep me from auditioning for school plays because it was “gay.”
Jerry: Well, it is.
Tammi: Dad, that’s stereotyping!
Karl: Do you think Clint Eastwood is gay? Or John Wayne? Or Robert Duvall?
Jerry: Of course not. And that’s the type of actor I’m gonna be in this play. A tough guy like them, and Jesus.
Ralph: From what I’ve heard, Jesus was a guy with compassion and tolerance for all. I don’t know if you have the acting chops to sell that.
Jerry: Excuse me?
Ralph: You’re not the most accepting person I’ve ever met. For example, you just called theater acting “gay” less than a minute ago.
Jerry: Dammit!
Cindy: Jerry! Language!
Teri: And so close to Easter! I’m ashamed of you!
Jerry: So, you guys seem to think this is a bad idea.
Tammi: No! I think it’ll be great fun for you!
Frank: I can even out in a good word with my dad.
Teri: It’s not exactly James Bond, I don’t think he’s gonna be fighting people for the role.
Frank: Who wouldn’t want to play Jesus?
Teri: In a church production at night on Good Friday? I’m sure there’s plenty of people who aren’t rushing to make time in their schedule for it.
Alysa: I was gonna be home that night watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Is that still an option?
Steven: We should probably go. We need to record it for us to remember it by. It’s going to be funny.
Jerry: It’s going to be moving and beautiful! Just like the man himself.
Danielle: Did he just call himself beautiful?
Jerry: I was talking about Jesus!
Teri: Likely story.
Jerry: You know what? Just because the way you’re all mocking me, I’m going for it.
Cindy: I think you’ll be fantastic!
Betty: We’ll all be there to support you, too!
Ralph: I don’t really do religion…
Betty: You celebrate Easter!
Ralph: Well, yeah. It’s a great day for food. Ham and ham and, well, more ham. Plus a bunch of candy, and eggs, and all that great stuff that makes your stomach ache and gives you heartburn. It’s a cultural day for me.
Alysa: Just like June 12th will be for me, when Olivia Rodrigo drops her new album the same day as the new RuPaul movie.
Cindy: Why do you keep talking about him… her? Is it him or her?
Alysa: Either works. And, I’m a big fan. RuPaul helped me cope with pregnancy and has kept me company during those long nights when Caitlin keeps me up.
Cindy: I didn’t realize he had such an impact on you.
Teri: He seems to have almost as much impact on you as Jesus has had on Jerry.
Jerry: I don’t think we should conflate the two.
Ralph: Come on, don’t be homophobic. That’s not very Jesus-y of you.
Jerry: It’s not a gay thing. I just don’t think you can conflate a TV show with Christ.
Ralph: They’re both forms of entertainment!
Cindy: Okay, dinner’s ready!
Teri: Right in time. That definitely didn’t drag out way too long.
Cindy: I don’t know what you wanted from me, Teri. You didn’t want Ina Garten’s three-ingredient chicken to be undercooked, did you?
Teri: No, I wouldn’t want to disappoint the Barefoot Contessa.
Four days later…
Calvin: All right, Jerry. You’ve got the part.
Jerry: I do?
Calvin: You’re the only person who seems genuinely exciting about it. One person fell asleep during the audition. Another didn’t know how to pronounce “Jesus.”
Jerry: How did they say it?
Calvin: “Ja-soos.”
Jerry: Jesus…
Calvin: Yeah.
Jerry: So, are we doing rehearsals or are we gonna just wing it?
Calvin: We’ve only got a week and a half, so we’ll rehearse as much as we can. I’ll let you know the details when I figure it out.
Jerry: Sounds good to me!
On Good Friday…
Jerry: How do I look?
Cindy: Fantastic!
Teri: Do I look in disbelief that I’ve been dragged to this? Because I am!
Betty: I’m sure this is going to be excellent! Jerry, from what I’ve seen, you’re a perfect fit for the role!
Jerry: I’ve even tried growing out a beard for it!
Frank: I don’t know if I’d call that a beard, but you barely had any advance notice, so you did your best.
Jerry: Thank you!
Karl: I just want to say, if I look like I’m napping… I am. It’s been a long day, Jerry.
Teri: I told you we shouldn’t have waited so long to make those peanut butter eggs!
Karl: It’s not like we ever have free time.
Steven: Grandpa, is that grandma’s dress?
Jerry: Look, they didn’t have a costume budget, we had to work with what we had.
Steven: It has sparkles on it.
Cindy: You look great. Holy, even.
Betty: Are you sure you can’t just sing Jesus Christ Superstar?
Jerry: It’s not a musical.
Teri: Thank God!
Cindy: That’s the spirit! Praise the lord!
Calvin: Jerry, it’s time!
Cindy: Good luck, babe!
Alysa: Don’t say that, I’m still very upset about the Chappell Roan scandal.
Cindy: Who?
Steven: She’s not in tune with pop culture.
Teri: By the way, Frank, if this totally sucks, I’m blaming you.
Frank: Of course you are.
The next day…
Customer: Hey, weren’t you in that Jesus play last night?
Jerry: I sure was!
Customer: You did a great job! It almost felt like watching real actors!
Jerry: I don’t know if it’s a compliment to be “almost like a real actor,” but I’ll take it.
Customer: Can I get a picture?
Jerry: You want a picture?
Customer: Yeah, I gotta show my husband who I ran into today! He’ll never believe it!
Jerry: Can I get a picture, too? I don’t think my family would believe this, either!
Betty: Jerry, stop bothering that poor woman!
Jerry: I’m not bothering anyone! She’s a fan!
Betty: Yeah right! Get back to work!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
