Jerry: When do you guys think we should get the pool opened?
Teri: It’s March. Don’t give the crazy woman any ideas.
Jerry: Well, I’m ready to go swimming.
Tammi: Dad, most of us don’t want to swim when it’s sixty degrees out and still falls below freezing at night.
Jerry: Look, it’s a nice way to unwind after a long day. I’m just excited to get it back.
Frank: I’ll help you.
Tammi: Shut up, Frank!
Frank: Okay, will do.
Karl: I think, maybe after Easter, we’ll look into it.
Jerry: I guess.
Betty: Speaking of Easter, when are we painting eggs?
Teri: Mom, we’re not six.
Betty: It’s tradition! And besides, we’ve got a new baby in the family.
Alysa: Oh, I don’t think we have to do this on Caitlin’s accord. She’s not even a year old, she doesn’t even know what an egg is. Or what Easter is.
Betty: That’s why we have to start it early! Get her used to it!
Alysa: You know, we never really painted Easter eggs in my family growing up.
Betty: That’s no surprise, your mother’s the worst curmudgeon I know.
Teri: Mom, that’s not very nice. It’s true, but it’s not nice.
Ralph: It’s too early to be thinking about Easter.
Teri: It’s two weeks away.
Ralph: I know, but I’m trying to get it out of my mind, because I’m so busy with catering at Easter. It’s a nightmare! Almost as bad as Christmas! Did you know Lianne’s having an Easter bash at her place this year?
Betty: And she didn’t invite us? I’m reporting her to the HOA! You can’t have unauthorized parties on your property with more than fifty people in attendance.
Jerry: That means that our residence in this house is in violation of HOA guidelines, then. Because surely there are more than fifty of us crammed in here.
Betty: There’s only twelve of us, plus Rick and Jeanette in the guest house, and sometimes Zeke.
Cindy: Mom… he was joking.
Betty: He shouldn’t joke like that, he had me very worried there for a second. I don’t want those freaks after us. No offense, Alysa.
Alysa: None taken. I think the whole HOA thing is freaky as heck. It’s like the Stepford Wives, wanting every family to be perfect and behave according to their exact rules and regulations. That’s not how it should be.
Teri: How does someone her age know what a Stepford Wife is?
Alysa: I love movies. I’m thinking of going to film school!
Betty: Not with my great-great grandbaby, you aren’t! Not unless Virginia’s started a film school recently without my knowledge!
Alysa: I’m pretty sure we have one here.
Betty: All right, but don’t get any dreams of going off to Hollywood! We have plenty of fantastic filmmaking opportunities here in Lakey, or at least we will if I ask Governor Spanheim to make some!
Teri: Mom, the governor is not your personal favor ATM.
Betty: But she’s happy to do it!
Ralph: I’m not sure if she’s going to focus her governorship on making the greater Richmond area into the new Hollywood.
Jerry: Typical Democrats, abandoning campaign promises and betraying loyal voters. They don’t do that in the GOP!
Ralph: Hey, how are the lower grocery prices and lack of international conflict going?
Jerry: As if it would be better under Eleanor Baum! The world would never respect some washed-up talk show host who decided to play politics!
Ralph: There you go again. Can’t defend your own politicians, so you just attack what the Democrats for what MIGHT have happened if they were in office instead.
Danielle: I think they’re all terrible.
Teri: God, how tired.
Alysa: How did we go from Easter to politics?
Betty: Because everyone refuses to just go along with my Easter plans. You all know it’s for the best!
Teri: All right, we’ll paint eggs with you.
Betty: Thank you. Easter is saved.
Three weeks later…
Jerry: Today’s the day!
Cindy: Jerry, I just woke up.
Jerry: I’m just excited. Summer is here!
Teri: It’s April.
Jerry: Well, it’s warm enough out to finally open up the pool, and I can’t wait to take a dive. It’s so nice and refreshing.
Frank: Did you want me to help you open it?
Jerry: Oh, uh… I’m good.
Frank: Okay. Just give me a holler if you need any help.
Jerry: I won’t, but it’s nice of you to offer.
Karl: You guys look chipper this morning. You must be really excited for your churchgoing.
Jerry: Oh my god, I forgot about church!
Cindy: How could you forget about the Lord?
Jerry: Pool!
Cindy: Jesus is much more important than a pool!
Steven: I agree, grandma.
Jerry: Hey, kid, after work, you’re helping me open that pool. You and your great-grandfather.
Karl: I’m doing what now?
Jerry: I need manpower, and I’m surely not asking Frank.
Tammi: He just offered, dad.
Jerry: He helped me last year. It was a nightmare.
Frank: I’m right here!
Jerry: It’s good for you to know.
Cindy: You guys have time to figure this out while we’re at church. I’m sure if you tell him what he did wrong last year, Frank will be willing to adapt.
Jerry: Cindy, stop meddling.
Cindy: I just care.
Jerry: Too much.
Tammi: All right, that’s enough of that.
Later that day…
Jerry: Steven, thanks for helping me out here. I know you really didn’t want to, but these things do have to be done.
Karl: Preferably closer to summer, but yeah.
Rick: What’s the ruckus out here?
Karl: Back inside, Rick.
Rick: Got it, not my business.
Jerry: Oh my god.
Rick: What?
Karl: I said inside!
Rick: Going inside.
Steven: What’s wrong, grandpa?
Jerry: Look in the pool.
Steven: You’re not gonna push me in, right?
Jerry: You have a wife and a kid, I could never. What’s in that pool could kill a man.
Steven: Oh my god, it’s awful.
Karl: There’s non water in it.
Jerry: Well, there’s a crack in it. And the liner is torn.
Karl: It looks like several thousand families of bugs have taken residence in there, too.
Steven: What are we going to do?
Karl: I say we just cover it back up and tell everyone we felt a chill in the air and change our minds.
Jerry: No, we’ll just have to get it fixed.
Karl: It looks beyond repair. I’ve seen corpses in caskets with more life in them than this pool.\
Jerry: It’s not even that old!
Karl: It was a rough winter.
Jerry: Thanks, Democrats!
Karl: No, thank your God for that one.
Jerry: Don’t you dare put this on God!
Karl: I think he had a bit more to do with this than the Democrats.
Jerry: Maybe in your woke mind!
Karl: I’m going inside.
Jerry: The cover’s only half off!
Karl: Does it matter? It’s not like anyone can swim in this. Probably not ever again.
Jerry: I’m gonna work on it. I’ll have it up and running in a week!
Karl: I’m sure.
Inside the house…
Betty: So, what’s going on with the pool?
Tammi: Yeah, I can’t wait to swim in it in two months!
Betty: It’s still too cold then. We gotta add some heaters to it, because July and August isn’t a long enough swimming season for me.
Teri: So you want a hot tub?
Betty: But bigger. You can’t do laps in a hot tub.
Teri: You don’t swim laps in the pool, either.
Betty: Because it’s too cold!
Danielle: I’m happy it’s open again. I love a good dip in the pool, and the weather is getting warmer. I’ve been getting ready for swimsuit season!
Teri: You have?
Danielle: Yeah, I’ve been at the gym every day!
Teri: So that’s where you go off to!
Karl: Guys, I think you’re all gonna be really disappointed. That pool is completely ruined.
Alysa: No! I almost lost all the baby weight! I was trying to show that I still got it!
Teri: You’re eighteen, I’d hope you still “got it.”
Alysa: Some people never recover from having a baby. It’s sad.
Teri: This is why I’m staunchly pro-choice.
Cindy: Sick!
Teri: Yes, I know you are but what am I?
Jerry: The pool is in bad shape from the winter, because apparently I didn’t winterize it properly.
Frank: This is why you need ole’ Frank around!
Teri: Shut up, Frank!
Frank: I will.
Teri: Thank you. At least you do listen. Not all men can say the same.
Betty: I think this is a sign, guys.
Cindy: That we shouldn’t have a pool? I agree.With the baby -
Steven: No, you’re not putting the blame on me for ruining everyone’s summer fun.
Cindy: It’s not safe!
Steven: It’s perfectly safe!
Teri: I fell in a pool as a child, I turned out fine!
Ralph: Eh…
Betty: We get rid of the above-ground pool, which has been nothing but a hassle. We get ourselves a pool that truly fits this house: a heated, luxury in-ground pool with an automatic closing cover.
Danielle: I saw a Criminal Minds where someone used an automatic pool cover to drown people. No thanks.
Teri: You do know TV isn’t real life, right?
Danielle: I don’t want to take any chance.
Betty: Think about it, guys! The pool we have was way too small for all of us, anyway. We need something bigger and better. That pool’s broken anyway, it’s time to move into the future.
Teri: Would you actually use it if we got a heated pool?
Betty: Of course! I love to swim, it’s the only fun way to exercise.
Teri: I prefer using the treadmill in Tammi’s room while I’m watching Survivor on my phone as she takes work calls.
Tammi: This is a big house, surely there’s a better place for the treadmill.
Cindy: Honey, you’re the one intruding on what’s supposed to be the home gym.
Tammi: It’s my work! I need some place to work from home!
Betty: Back to the pool!
Jerry: I can easily fix this pool.
Betty: Please, it would take you ten years, and that may be underestimating it. I’ll be dead by the time we have a pool again.
Cindy: She’s not wrong there.
Jerry: She could easily live longer than ten years!
Ralph: Yeah, demons live pretty long.
Teri: I’d like an in-ground pool.
Ralph: I don’t really do pools, but in-ground pools do have a better esthetic than above-ground pools. They’re just cooler.
Betty: Thank you!
Karl: It’s a lot of money.
Betty: We have it! Especially if we all chip in.
Danielle: Aww, I almost miss Velma and Mitchell in times like this.
Teri: Because their complaining would be hilarious?
Danielle: No, because that’s two more people to split the costs between.
Ralph: What if you just as Jeanette and Ri - never mind.
Betty: We’ll make it work.
Two weeks later…
Betty: Ah, it’s so beautiful.
Teri: It’s a hole in the ground, mom.
Betty: I know, but I can envision what it’s going to be, and it’s going to be great.
Steven: Oh, she’s having a vision of her new pool. Like Clark Griswold.
Jerry: I gotta say, this kiddie pool that we got to tide us over really is nicer than I thought. I can almost fit a raft in this!
Cindy: Aww, look how happy he is.
Teri: Oh no, Frank’s coming in his swimming trunks.
Betty: Why does he have to ruin everything?
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
