Betty: Next Friday, guys! Very exciting day!
Teri: Do you expect us to know what you’re talking about?
Betty: You should have some sort of an idea. This is something that was planned months ago.
Teri: Am I getting a colonoscopy?
Betty: No, silly!
Teri: Are you getting a colonoscopy?
Ralph: I’ll be staying elsewhere the night before if that’s the case. Colonoscopies make her angry.
Betty: This is not colonoscopy-related.
Ralph: Oh, good.
Betty: We’re all going to Richmond to see our favorite Olympic figure skaters live.
Jerry: We?
Cindy: Yes, we. I remember now.
Betty: How could you have possibly forgotten something so exciting?
Ralph: See, most people would think that was sarcasm if they didn’t know you so well.
Betty: How could it be sarcasm? This is an honor to be going to this show. It sold out!
Frank: Well I’m not going to see a bunch of sellouts!
Teri: Would you shut up? No one needs your dad jokes right now, we’ve just been reminded that a madwoman is forcing us to go to an ice skating show against our will!
Jerry: Don’t get me wrong, I like the little girl with the raccoon hair -
Steven: Who doesn’t? She’s America’s sweetheart!
Alysa: My thoughts on her are known by now - I’d like her a whole lot more if she had any other name. Even if she spelled it with another S in it.
Steven: Technically, she was born first.
Alysa: Well, I’m a wife and a mother, that has to count for something.
Steven: I don’t know why you’re angry with me about this.
Jerry: Congrats, Steven. Welcome to marital bliss.
Tammi: Isn’t the promo next week?
Alysa: Wait, she meant ‘next Friday,’ as in the very next Friday?
Jerry: No, she meant next Friday as in the first Friday in October.
Steven: Grandpa, don’t talk to her like that.
Jerry: You’re in hot water, I was throwing you a bone. You’re welcome.
Betty: This is so much more important than prom!
Alysa: Is it?
Betty: This is a whole-family excursion! This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience!
Tammi: I think most people would probably consider prom a once-in-a-lifetime experience, too.
Teri: I mean, they are married with a kid. What benefit do you get out of prom that they haven’t already experienced? The joy of awkwardly dancing to Olivia Rodrigo around a hundred of your closest peers?
Danielle: I enjoyed my prom. My date and I danced to Foolish Beat by Debbie Gibson and we were the star of the prom.
Teri: Did you win prom queen?
Danielle: No, I did not. I’ve never been into politics.
Alysa: Who is Debbie Gibson?
Danielle: "Who is Debbie Gibson?” Are you nuts?
Teri: She was Olivia Rodrigo in the ‘80s.
Alysa: Oh, got it.
Jerry: I love how offended Danielle got that Alysa didn’t know Debbie Gibson. It’s like she said she didn’t know The Beatles or Fleetwood Mac or Kiss.
Alysa: Of course I know Fleetwood Mac, they did the song that guy skateboarded to while he drank cranberry juice! But who is Kiss?
Jerry: Steven, you have to get a divorce.
Betty: So, we’re all aware of next week’s big show, there are non excuses to not be ready for it when it’s time to go. Starts at 8 PM, we’re leaving at 5:30 so we can grab something to eat before the show.
Steven: So are we not allowed to go to prom?
Betty: That’s right, dear.
Tammi: No, it’s not right. You two do whatever you have to do. We’ll find someone else to take your tickets if you want to go to prom.
Betty: Who else would want to go?
Frank: My dad might want to go!
Betty: Who on earth could possibly want to attend a skiing show with us?
Frank: My dad!
Betty: Do you think Mitchell and Velma would come up from Florida to see it with us?
Teri: No, that would cost far too much money.
Betty: Then you two have to go.
Tammi: We can stand to waste two tickets.
Frank: Or my dad could go!
Ralph: You could probably resell them for ten times the price you paid. People are absolutely crazy about the little Asian girl from Oakland.
Betty: We will not do that! Ticket scalpers have a special place in hell.
Teri: Don’t mind her, she’s still heartbroken she couldn’t afford the tickets to Cher’s farewell tour.
Ralph: Which one?
Teri: Well, she tried to sell my braces to pay for them. So… it was quite a while ago.
Betty: Joke’s on you, I DID get to see Cher’s farewell tour, fifteen years later. The show I’m still upset that scalpers screed me out of seeing is the Barbra Streisand concert.
Jerry: My god, when’s the last time that un-American psycho went on tour? 1885?
Betty: 2017! I wanted to see The Way We Were performed live. It was never to be.
Alysa: Who is Barbra Streisand?
Ralph: all right, I can forgive Debbie Gibson -
Danielle: I can’t!
Ralph: You don’t know Babs? Oscar winner for Funny Girl? Star of Yentl?
Alysa: I know most of those words. Together, though…
Steven: I’m still lost on whether we have to go to this skating show or not.
Betty: You’re going.
Tammi: It’s up to you. I will handle grandma for you. My treat.
Teri: You don’t know what you’re unleashing upon all of us. Let this woman get what she wants! It’s for the health and safety of us all!
One week later…
Tammi: Aww, you two look great!
Betty: It isn’t too late. You can still go with us to the skating show. We can un-invite Frank’s dad and Lianne.
Ralph: No, we’re not un-inviting Lianne.
Teri: Lianne has connections… do you think she could score me a selfie with Alysa Liu? I just need a minute of her time, I know she’s busy being the most beloved woman-slash-emo dream girl in America. I just need something for the Instagram feed to look cool. My feed is filled with picture of lighthouses we’ve seen on vacations and birds I’ve seen in the backyard!
Ralph: I’m not asking her that. You ask her that.
Steven: Wait, if there’s a chance we can meet Alysa Liu -
Alysa: Then we’re definitely not going.
Frank: Dad really appreciates the invite. He doesn’t get out much since coming to Virginia.
Betty: Please don’t remind me I’m spending the evening with two of you.
Karl: Honey, it’s okay. It’s not as if we’ll be talking at all during the show.
Betty: Thank god.
Frank: Betty, you sure know how to warm a guy’s heart.
Betty: I try my hardest.
Alysa: All right, do we have to keep posing like this?
Tammi: No, I’m sorry. Go about your business.
Alysa: All right, thanks. I have to go feed Caitlin before we get out of here.
Steven: And I’m gonna watch some TV.
Alysa: Of course you are.
Jerry: I can see into your future. It’s not gonna be pretty.
Cindy: Oh, they’re going to be fine.
Jerry: They’re going to be exactly like us.
Cindy: And our lives are perfect. Case closed.
Jerry: So it is.
Betty: I need everyone who is NOT betraying me to get ready to go to the show. It’s about time to hit the road.
Alysa: Does she have to word it like that?
Steven: Yes. It’s just how her brain operates.
Teri: Have you not learned that by now?
Alysa: Give me a break, I’ve spent most of my time living here raising a baby.
Cindy: You don’t need to remind us of that. It’s still my great shame that I’ve apparently passed this curse down on all my descendants.
Danielle: Zeke didn’t have a baby in his teen years.
Cindy: Not that we’re aware of.
Betty: Karl, can you go check on Jeanette and Rick? I reminded them last night about this, but maybe they forgot.
Karl: Do I have to?
Teri: I’ll do it, dad.
Karl: Oh, thank god. He just talks a lot. So much.
Ralph: He’s kinda your Frank.
Karl: No. I like Rick; I just wish he’d talk less. Your mother would kill Frank if they legalized murder.
Steven: Like The Purge!
Tammi: Honey, let’s not sound so enthusiastic about your grandmother wanting to kill your father.
Betty: I would never kill anyone! Well, except for maybe -
Cindy: Let’s not finish that and anger God.
Alysa: She was gonna say my mom. We all know it. It’s okay. My mom would kill her, too.
Betty: See, it would just be self-defense! Now, to the car!
Teri: We qualified for the group ticket discount, right? Because what’s the whole point of forcing us to all go together otherwise?
Betty: Togetherness!
Teri: We have to sit quietly and watch the ice. How does that bond us?
Betty: It’s a shared experience as a family! We’ll remember this for years to come!
Frank: Bold of you to assume you’ll be alive for years!
Tammi: What the hell, Frank?
Frank: I was just giving back what she always tosses my way!
Teri: You should be ashamed of yourself!
Jerry: That was a low blow, man.
Frank: You told me to fight back!
Jerry: You don’t have to lie to save your own ass. That’s low, too.
Later that night…
Calvin: I just wanted to thank you guys for inviting me again. IT’s so lovely to be included.
Cindy: We wouldn’t have it any other way! Say mom?
Betty: Oh, of course. It’s been great getting to know the man who gave us Frank a bit better.
Teri: Frank’s in time-out because he said my mom was going to die soon.
Calvin: Frank! What would ever possess you to say that? Jesus is ashamed.
Danielle: You spoke to him?
Calvin: I know how he’d feel about this.
Frank: Dad, you don’t understand. She’s always giving me a hard time. It’s our thing! I just finally gave it back to her this time.
Betty: It’s fine, I don’t hold it against him.
Teri: He’s a liar, it’s really a big problem of his.
Calvin: I’m just glad Betty is so understanding and it’s not impacting this fun day. I am wondering where my grandson is, though!
Frank: They only invited you because he’s going to prom with Alysa instead and they didn’t want to waste the ticket! Betty wanted to invite Mitchell and Velma, who used to live with us but now life in Florida.
Tammi: Frank!
Calvin: I raised you better than to badmouth people, Frank. Even if this was a last minute invite after Steven decided not to go, I’m just grateful to have been invited at all.
Teri: Does anyone know where Lianne went? I was wondering if she’d buy me one of those autographed pictures of Alysa Liu.
Ralph: You are not asking my boss to buy you an autograph.
Teri: She’s also my friend.
Ralph: You’re acquaintances at best.
Danielle: I’m gonna go get a drink. I’ll pay for it myself, because I’m not a moocher.
Betty: I don’t drink at shows. If I do drink, I’ll have to pee. I’m not about to miss any performances I paid good money to see, not even the performances from the losers that don’t have medals.
Ralph: I’m sure the “losers” can feel your support from the stands.
Betty: I hope so. I cheer loudly, for all to hear.
Rick: Oh no, are you a screamer? Let me rephrase that. Are you one of those people who screams loud enough for the entire arena to hear after every single performance? Are you going to shatter my eardrums?
Teri: She is. You should’ve heard how loud she screamed at the Barry Manilow concert after he sang Mandy.
Betty: I’m telling you, he said “Betty” once! I think he was captivated by me.
Jerry: He’s gay!
Betty: He’s not gay!
Teri: Mom, he’s gay.
Betty: That doesn’t mean he couldn’t find me lovely!
Danielle: This family never ceases to amaze me.
Calvin: They are pretty amazing.
Teri: We sure are!
Lianne: What are you guys doing out here?
Teri: What are we doing? What were you doing? You disappeared!
Lianne: I was working my magic, dear. You think the richest woman in the greater Richmond area doesn’t have connections to the owner of this arena? He’s an old business associate. Pretty good pal of mine, actually. I always beat him at poker
Ralph: Because I respect you so much, I will resist the urge to scream about eating the rich.
Lianne: Thank you. Though, we do need to be eaten, hence why I donated over ten million dollars to the Spanheim campaign.
Betty: I didn’t realize you were a woke billionaire! Well now I love you even more!
Jerry: I’m willing to
Lianne: Anyway, I was able to get us better seating. How do we feel about a luxury suite?
Jerry: Aww, I was looking forward to the nosebleeds.
Tammi: When you say luxury suite… you mean those exist?
Lianne: Yeah!
Tammi: The closest thing to luxury I’ve ever experienced is the bidet we had in the house for a week before it was ripped out.
Jerry: I thought it was just a very small toilet for elves! None of us are elves.
Tammi: It’s fine. The one week of having it was nice.
Rick: That’s what I’ve been missing ever since we moved to Virginia! The bidet!
Jeanette: Yes, you did love your bidet.
Cindy: I’ve never used them and never will. They’re un-American.
Teri: How did this become an open forum about bidets?
Tammi: I think it was my fault.
Betty: How luxury are we talking? Will we be able to see the skating?
Lianne: Very much so. It’s the best seating in the house, and it’s all ours. Also, and this might be even more exciting for some of you… the cast of the show has agreed to meet with us.
Teri collapses to the ground.
Karl: Honey, get up. The bacteria all over the ground… just no.
Teri: I’m gonna meet Alysa Liu!
Lianne: And everyone else!
Ralph: As mom would all them, the medal-less losers.
Jerry: Excuse you, she called them losers without medals.
Ralph: Yeah, that’s a much nicer way to put it.
Danielle: That nice married couple did win a medal. It’s silver, but that counts.
Betty: Three-time world champions, you bet it counts!
Danielle: Damn the French!
Teri: How long are we going to get to meet them for?
Lianne: It’ll be after they do the meet-and-greets. So it’s up to them, however long they want to stick around.
Jerry: Okay, so they’ll be gone in sixty seconds, like Nicolas Cage.
Betty: You met Nicolas Cage and never told me?
Jerry: No, it’s a movie.
Teri: Okay, so the only celebrity run-ins in this family remain that time Velma scared Lauren Bacall at an airport and the time mom stole Al Roker’s cab.
Ralph: Excuse you, I worked the kitchen at Ozzy Osbourne’s party once. Talking to him for a couple minutes. It was about vegetables, and I couldn’t understand a word, but we did talk.
Teri: All right, now we’re trying to one-up each other. Nothing is cooler than meeting Alysa Liu, the absolute coolest person to ever live.
Tammi: Steven would argue that that’s Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
Teri: He’s wrong!
Meanwhile, at the prom…
Alysa: Steven, am I the only one who’s terribly bored?
Steven: Yeah, I kinda forgot that I don’t like dancing and that we’ve somewhat fallen out of contact with most other people at school since Caitlin came along.
Alysa: Yeah, uh…I kinda think we should’ve gone to that skating show.
Steven: Don’t tell grandma Betty that.
Alysa: She’s not gonna let us hear the end of it regardless.
Steven: What exactly was it that made you feel we made the wrong decision?
Alysa: When they played Stateside and I realized we could be watching it live in person performed by an Olympic gold medalist rather than awkwardly recreating her moves on the dance floor like a bunch of TikTok droids.
Steven: We’ll make the most of it.
Alysa: We always do.
Steven: Wait, I just got a text from my mom. Maybe someone got sick and they’re begging us to use their tickets.
Alysa: Wishful thinking?
Steven: “Hi Steven, hope you are having a knife time” - I think she meant to say “nice” - “at the prom. Lianne got us a luxury box at the arena and we are going to get to meet the skaters! We’ll get lots of pictures for you, maybe we can even put you on FaceTime. Love ya!”
Alysa: Um… excuse me?
Steven: I think we definitely made a mistake.
Alysa: I could’ve gotten to ask Amber Glenn how she does her makeup.
Steven: I could’ve done a backflip with the QuadGod.
Alysa: No, you would’ve absolutely fallen and broken your neck. I’m not becoming a widow at eighteen.
Steven: Should I text and ask if Lianne could get us in, too?
Alysa: Lianne can do anything. She basically owns this state.
Steven: Do you want to go?
Alysa: This looks like dance night at the retirement home, I’d rather be at the movies than here, let alone meeting the American Olympic figure skating team.
Steven: I‘ll text her and let her know.
At the arena…
Tammi: Grandma!
Betty: What? Do I have toilet paper on my shoe again?
Tammi: No…
Betty: You never know.
Tammi: Steven and Alysa just asked if they could come here after all.
Rick: Why would they ask that? The tickets -
Lianne: They’ll let them in. Trust me. Just have them text when they get here, I’ll go out to the entrance and explain the situation.
Teri: God, being a billionaire seems so cool
Lianne: It is.
Ralph: See mom, all that complaining and they’re sill coming after all and we got better seats in the luxury box because we invited Lianne.
Lianne: They would’ve let me in for free, honestly.
Teri: All right, we got it, it’s great to be rich.
Lianne: So great.
Later that night…
Teri: I’m never washing this hand. It shook Alysa Liu’s hand.
Danielle: Yeah, you told her that. She looked concerned.
Karl: That was a nice evening. I’m off to bed.
Teri: You’re not still riding a high?
Karl: I’m normal, so no.
Jerry: Getting to meet them all was quite a nice experience.
Ralph: It would’ve been better if you didn’t tell Amber Glenn she’s a communist, but… what are you gonna do?
Steven: Alysa seemed to really enjoy the QuadGod.
Alysa: I was not flirting with him! You were definitely flirting with Isabeau Levito, though!
Steven: I just said I felt bad she got overshadowed by the other women skaters, who both got medals.
Ralph: Oh, the little Italian one was the loser without a medal? I thought she was pretty good.
Teri: I’m gonna be the coolest person I know on Instagram.
Danielle: Teri, don’t be so thirsty.
Teri: It’s not thirst. Any normal person would brag about meeting all of them. Especially, you know -
Frank: Raccoon hair?
Teri: Don’t insult America’s sweetheart!
Betty: Do you guys think I could take up skating? I feel inspired after that.
Jeanette: We don’t need both sisters breaking their hips this year.
Karl: Lister to your sister. Please.
Betty: Nah, I think I’m gonna try.
Teri: Please make a will first.
Frank: Oh, but when I joke about her dying, it’s “wrong.”
Teri: Shut the hell up, Frank. That’s my mother you’re talking about!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
