Marietta walks into the mayor’s mansion and notices she has a missed call from Kate, and she plays the message she left.
Kate: Hey Marietta, it’s me, Kate. I’m sorry to miss you, but I’m sure you’re busy and I get that. I was calling, though, to invite you to my house next weekend. I know it’s short notice, but Tim and I are having a thirtieth anniversary party next weekend and I wanted to invite all my closest friends. Obviously, that includes you. I hope you can make it, let me know fi you will. Don’t bring anything, your presence is present enough. Oh, and I know how you hate leaving your mom home - you can bring her, too. I miss her!
Marietta sits down, pulls out her phone, and calls Tammy.
Tammy: What could this possibly be about?
Marietta: It’s an emergency!
Tammy: There’s no way an emergency has happened in the twenty minutes since I last saw you.
Marietta: Is that not how most emergencies work? They come on pretty suddenly. I could be having a heart attack!
Tammy: Then you’re an idiot for calling me before 9-1-1!
Marietta: All right, I’m not having a heart attack.
Tammy: You don’t say!
Marietta: Did you get a call from Kate?
Tammy: When? Today?
Marietta: I guess. I just got a call today.
Tammy: What about? I haven’t checked my messages, so she may have called. I’m just curious what it could be about. You’re making it sound very serious.
Marietta: It’s not that serious, I just need to make sure you’re also going to her anniversary dinner party next weekend. I can’t go alone with my mother, I’d go absolutely insane. I need another chaperone for her.
Tammy: The emergency was a dinner party next weekend?
Marietta: In North Carolina!
Tammy: We’re going to see each other tomorrow morning!
Marietta: I’m just curious if you’re going.
Tammy: Of course I’ll go, Kate’s my friend.
Marietta: Good. I’ll let you go then.
Tammy: Wait a minute. Is Kathleen not going?
Marietta: I think Kathleen would take any excuse to get a weekend of peace and serenity.
Tammy: That’s said so often, and yet, she lives with Patty Lynn she she doesn’t need to, and she’s always taking trips with her. I think they’re closer than they like admitting.
Marietta: Don’t accuse my aunt and mother of putting on a front! They can’t stand each other!
Tammy: Likely.
Marietta: So, we’re going to North Carolina next weekend. How exciting is that?
Tammy: I’ve been there before. It’s nice.
Marietta: Look, it’s just nice to get a few days away. We never go anywhere!
Tammy: You don’t. I go places!
Marietta: When?
Tammy: I go back to New York.
Marietta: That doesn’t count, you’re visiting family. I visit family. It’s not my fault they live right down the road. God, I wish they didn’t, they’re all freakin’ nuts.
Tammy: They’re n- no, they’re insane. Wait, Henrietta’s normal.
Marietta: We’re pretty distant family.
Tammy: Not distant enough to keep you from giving her a good nepotism hire.
Marietta: She’s qualified.
Tammy: She hadn’t graduated college when you hired her.
Marietta: A lot of the all-time great minds never even went to college.
Tammy: You know what? I’ve had enough of you today. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Marietta: Very well!
The next night…
Patty Lynn: Marietta! It’s always so nice when you stop in. You don’t do it nearly enough.
Marietta: I drop by almost every night. I have to make sure there hasn’t been a murder-suicide.
Kathleen: If I did it, it would be in the night, when she can’t fight back.
Patty Lynn: Joke’s on you: I lock my bedroom door.
Kathleen: So I’ll have to resort to arson, got it.
Marietta: It worries me that you’ve thought this out.
Kathleen: Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to take you out with us when the deed’s done.
Marietta: I’d like to be left out of this narrative, please.
Kathleen: All right, fine, I won’t take you out.
Patty Lynn: This is far too morbid. Marietta, come on in, sit down, I’ll make you a plate.
Marietta: That sounds great, but I actually do want to talk to you, too. So I’m just going to follow you in the kitchen so we can chat.
Kathleen: Is this a secret or am I allowed to listen in?
Marietta: You’ll be bored, but you can listen in.
Kathleen: I don’t mind being bored by an conversation. It’s better than being lonely.
Marietta: That’s actually sort of nice, in a way.
Patty Lynn: So what did you need to ask me?
Marietta: Kate is having a dinner party for her anniversary in North Carolina, and she wanted me to ask you if you wanted to come.
Patty Lynn: Of course I want to come! It can be a fun girls trip for the two of us! Oh, this is so exciting!
Kathleen: Am I invited? I’m not going, because I can only handle traveling with Patty Lynn once a year, but I do want to know if the invite’s out there. Because if so, there’s a very appealing $50 gift card to Target in Kate’s future.
Marietta: Sure, you were invited. Kate loves you!
Kathleen: If she loves me that much, then maybe I should go. I’d feel guilty.
Patty Lynn: Please don’t.
Kathleen: No, I’m going to go. I need to get out more.
Marietta: Wonderful! Kate will be thrilled!
The next weekend, at Kate’s…
Kate: Tim! Get the door!
Tim (Kate’s husband): I’m busy setting the table!
Ellie: I’ll get it!
Kate: God, how did I not know you were here?
Ellie: I used my key and sat myself in the living room.
Kate: When did you get a key?
Ellie: I took one of yours when I wasn’t looking, had it copied, and then returned it.
Kate: That is… that’s what serial killers do.
Ellie: But I’m not. I’m a senator. I’m too high-profile to be a killer. I’d be a caught!
Tim: Wasn’t that OJ’s defense?
Kate: At the very least, it’s stalker-ish for you to do.
Ellie: I have to get the door.
Kate: We need to talk about this later. Don’t think I’m not going to bring it up!
Ellie: Yeah, yeah.
Ellie opens the door.
Marietta: Ellie, of course you’re here first.
Ellie: I can’t believe you got here second! I’m starting to believe those so-called “friends form North Carolina” that Kate claims to have may not exist.
Kate: They exist! They’re just not punctual!
Patty Lynn: Wow! This is quite a mansion, Kate.
Kate: Oh, no, it’s just a humble home.
Kathleen: Is that a water fountain out front?
Tammy: I helped her pick it out myself.
Ellie: You did?
Tammy: Oh no, I’ve made her jealous.
Marietta: Well, happy anniversary, guys. As a gift, I’ve brought my aunt. Sound good? Good.
Kate: Kathleen, good to see you! I didn’t know you were coming!
Kathleen: Well, you invited me. How could I stand you up? It’s your big thirtieth anniversary with this guy I’ve somehow never met.
Kate: Tim. His name’s TIm. You’ve met him several times.
Kathleen: Maybe he’s just got one of those faces.
Marietta: Look, it’s a big day. I don’t think it’s important whether I did or did not bring my aunt here uninvited.
Kathleen: I wasn’t invited? You told me she really wanted me here!
Marietta: I never said those exact words.
Kate: You know what? The more the merrier!
Tammy: So I could’ve brought a guest?
Kate: I told you to bring Mitch!
Tammy: You did?
Kate: In the message I left!
Tammy: Oh. I didn’t listen to that. Marietta already told me everything I needed to know!
Kate: Glad I spent time leaving it.
One hour later…
Patty Lynn: What is this on our plates?
Marietta: Real food.
Patty Lynn: What are you implying?
Marietta: The food we regularly eat is going to send us all to an early grave.
Kathleen: Too late for that.
Patty Lynn: There’s a leaf on my plate.
Marietta: That’s kale.
Patty Lynn: Eating kale at Kate’s. How lovely.
Tammy: I think that’s just a garnish. This is all much swankier than I expected.
Kathleen: I’ve toured homes on vacation less ornate than this.
Patty Lynn: I keep a beautiful home!
Kathleen: Compared to this, our house is crap. It just is, objectively speaking.
Patty Lynn: My house. Your name’s not on the deed!
Milton: Everyone, shut up! You’re embarrassing me.
Marietta: As if Kate doesn’t know we have the most pitifully embarrassing family ever.
Milton: Her friends don’t!
Marietta: I don’t think I’ve even heard one of them speak. Are we sure they’re not hired actors? The only people talking are people I know from the Senate. I got stuck in a ten-minute conversation with Mildred Hassenfram about trains when I was on the way to the bathroom.
Kate: Hi, everyone! If I could just have your attention for a moment. Tim and I just wanted to thank all of you, our nearest and dearest friends, for coming to our home this evening to help celebrate our thirty years of commitment to one another. It hasn’t always been perfect, but neither of us would change it for the world, and it’s wonderful to spend this night with the people who mean the most with us.
Ellie: Amy, there’s a woman here who’s asking for you.
Kate: Huh?
Ellie: I don’t know what she wants. She says her name’s Nancy Walken.
Tim: I can deal with her if you w-
Kate: No, I’ll talk to her. That name is familiar, I don’t think it’s a secret assassin Ellie’s sent here to avoid that conversation about making a key to our house.
Tim: ALl right, dear. I guess I can entertain everyone.
Marietta: What’s going on? What’s happening?
Moira: I heard something about entertainment and I am more than willing to perform Hold On by Wilson Phillips if we need to fill some time while Kate’s away. Paula Abdul once told me I have a “lovely voice.” Don’t ask what Simon Cowell added on to that.
Milton: Excuse her, guys, she’s drunk. She doesn’t get out much, it only took two glasses of vino to do it.
Moira (slurring words): I am not drunk!
Marietta: What are we thinking, a stop at Betty Ford on the way home?
Moira (slurring): Screw you, Tammy!
Tammy: I find’t say anything!
Marietta: Where is Kate, by the way?
Ellie: She had a secret visitor.
Marietta: Wow, this is a different sort of party than I thought it was.
Ellie: It was a woman.
Marietta: Wow, good for her! Bi is in these days!
Patty Lynn: I don’t even know what’s being implied.
Marietta: I was joking that the “special visitor” is a gentleman caller.
Patty Lynn: Oh! Why?
Marietta: Well, politicians -
Kate rushes in with tears in her eyes and slaps Tim.
Kathleen: Thank god I came! This is getting interesting!
Moira (“singing”): And it seems to me that you’ve lived your life, like a candle in the wind!
Milton: That’s not even the right song!
Moira: I changed my mind!
Tim: What was that about?
Kate: Your grad student, really? Men are so typical!
Ellie: Uh-oh.
Tim: Everyone, I’m afraid this party is over. If you could collect your things and -
Kate: Everyone, sit down, buckle up.
Marietta: This might end with all of us dead.
Kathleen: That would be for the best, I’d think.
Kate: Thirty years of marriage. Four children. Twenty-seven years by my side in DC, playing the supportive husband. He’s gushed about me to his friends to look like the good family man, used my connections to improve his social standing and his career. For twenty years - at least - he’s been leading a double life. He’s used my extensive time away from home -
Tim: Honey, this is not anyone else’s bu-
Kate: Don’t honey me, and I’m not finished!
Ellie: Tell him!
Marietta: Ellie, this isn’t WWE Raw.
Ellie: But it’s so fun to hype her up.
Kate: Thank god I have you, Ellie. You’re one of the few people to always have my side, unquestionably. You are loyal, unlike this man. He’s had affairs with colleagues at work, grad students, apparently anything that moved, while I was away in DC. Nancy Walken was one of many, and then she was going to write an essay about her experience, and she searched to see if anyone else had similar experiences. Boy, did they! I am disgusted, and I am ashamed, and I look foolish, and I am done. Tim, I paid for everything in this house. Get out of it.
Tim: Honey, I am so s-
Kate: I said not to call me that, and your apologies mean nothing. I’m filing for divorce first thing Monday. I won’t spend another day with you.
Tim: You’re going to take a stranger’s word for it and end a marriage of thirty years based on that?
Kate: Your reaction would’ve been telling enough, but she had evidence. A whole binder of it. Here you go!
Kate slams the binder down, and Ellie begins paging through it, only for Milton to swat her hand away.
Ellie: Come on, we all wanted to see it.
Milton: Not our business.
Ellie: I think she’s made it our business.
Kate: I’m finished with my rant. You all know what a sleaze this man is. Kathleen, I’m glad you forgot you ever met him. I envy you!
Kathleen: Many people have said similar to me over the years.
Kate: I want you all to have a wonderful night still. This is no longer an anniversary party, it’s a divorce party. Everyone but Tim’s welcome to stay!
Marietta: Are you sure you don’t want us to go? I know if I were you, I’d need some time to myself.
Kate: I’m going to have plenty of time to be alone later. I need to be with my real family now. I need you more now than ever.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
