Betty is being the cash register at the boutique when Congresswoman Alicia Spanheim walks in.
Betty: Congresswoman Spanheim, how nice to see you! Mitchell, man the register.
Mitchell: Me?
Betty: You’re capable, aren’t you?
Mitchell: Sure, I guess. Not like we have any customers in here today.
Betty: You’re lucky I want to talk to the congresswoman, because you’d be in so much trouble for saying that?
Mitchell: For saying the truth?
Betty: So, congresswoman, what brings you here today?
Alicia: Well, the congressional recess ends on Monday and I want to refresh my wardrobe before I head back to DC. My daughter tells me I dress like a CIA officer. That’s exactly what I am, but apparently that’s a fashion faux pas?
Betty: You do have a very professional wardrobe, but I can help you dress a bit more fun and casually if that’s what you’d like. What do you think about florals?
Alicia: I knew you would be able to help! This is such a cute little shop!
Betty: Aww, that’s so sweet of you!
Alicia: I love to support small businesses in my district, and there’s no better small business to support than one owned by a friend!
Betty: I’m your friend?
Mitchell: Wow, I always thought you were crazy when you called her your friend, Betty.
Alicia: Of course we’re friends! You’ve done so much to help me over the past few years.
Betty: Well, I’m happy to help you again. Are you looking for a dress or a blouse or a jacket or a skirt or -
Alicia: Whatever. If it’s a dress, it just has to have sleeves be relatively long. I’m a forty-five year-old mother, I gotta dress appropriately.
Betty: Okay, good to know you’re open to many options.
Alicia: No pantsuits, and no plaid. I apparently “overdo” those.
Betty: Good to know!
Mitchell: Are you two going to be a while?I ’m supposed to be on lunch right now.
Betty: Go, I can watch the register until Karl gets back.
Mitchell: Thank you, I’m starved!
Betty: So, congresswoman, here are a few outfits that might interest you. You can try them on in the dressing room and see if you like them.
Alivia: Oh, that was face.
Betty: I’m a good multitasker. Let me go make sure the dressing room is cleared out for you first, I’ll be right back.
Betty trips on the carpet and falls head-first into the dressing room mirror, cracking it.
Alicia: Betty, are you okay?
Betty: I see stars…
Mitchell: Aunt Betty, stay with me!
Betty: I’m fine, I just have a bump on my head.
Mitchell: And a cracked mirror. How’d that happen?
Betty: Brian Delphy’s America!
Mitchell: Yeah, she’s fine.
Alicia: As someone else who hates President Delphy, I’m fine with blaming him for this, even though the carpeting is really what appears to be a fault here.
Betty: I do have another dressing room if you'd like to use that one.
Alicia: Let’s check to make sure the rug isn’t going to trip you this time.
Betty: Oh, I’m not going in there this time. I’ve already got one bump on my head!
Alicia: That’s probably for the best, yeah.
Mitchell: What are you going to do about the broken mirror?
Betty: I pay you for a reason, get to work!
Later that day, at dinner…
Karl: You guys are never going to believe what happened at the boutique today!
Mitchell: Hey, I was supposed to tell it!
Teri: Was mom involved? I’d believe anything about her, the woman’s unhinged.
Betty: I’m right here!
Cindy: What happened, dad?
Teri (singing): Anticipation, Anticipation, is makin’ me late, is keepin’ me waitin’
Ralph: I didn’t realize we had Carly Simon at the dinner table with us.
Jerry: Carly Simon’s really let her voice go to shi-
Cindy: Dad, ignore them. Tell us what happened.
Karl: Well, I walked into the store after coming back from a dentist appointment and I see your mother, Mitchell and Congresswoman Alicia Spanheim -
Jerry: Damn communist!
Karl: standing by the dressing room over a pile of shattered glass. Mitchell quickly threw your mother under the bus and explained that she fell head-first into the mirror and broke it. Your mom was yelling at Mitchell to clean it up.
Betty: And he never did!
Teri: Oh, mom! You’re gonna be cursed now! Seven years of bad luck!
Danielle: That’s an old wives’ tale!
Velma: No, it’s true. Happened to me once. Worse decade of my life.
Mitchell: How have you never mentioned this before?
Velma: It was a dark time.
Betty: Now that you guys mention it, I had an odd day today. It started off so nicely, I sold clothes that will grace the screens of C-SPAN, and then it just took a downward turn for the rest of the day.
Ralph: What happened that was so bad?
Betty: Aside from the mirror breaking? Well, I dropped my sandwich at lunch, I hit every red light on the way home, I saw Anita standing in her yard, and the wind kicked up when I was bringing the mail in and a piece of mail blew away.
Ralph: You think you’re cursed and your evidence is that you dropped a sandwich, that wind exists, and that you saw Anita outside of her own house?
Teri: Ralph, you know how much she hates that woman.
Ralph: I hate Frank, but having to see him and read his stupid Facebook posts every day doesn’t mean I’m cursed!
Betty: Or does it?
Tammi: What did Frank ever do to you?
Ralph: He’s just a pain in my ass.
Cindy: Can we focus on mom and her curse?
Betty: I think we’ve talked more than enough about that!
Teri: No, I don’t think we have! This is fun!
Betty: I’m glad me being cursed is so fun for all of you.
Cindy: It’s not fun for me, I’m genuinely frightened for your mental health.
Ralph: I don’t know, Cindy. It’s pretty funny.
Betty: I’m really freaked out! I don’t want seven years of bad luck because I tripped into a mirror!
Karl: Luckily, you aren’t going to have seven years of bad luck, because curses aren’t real.
Jerry: Plus, you’re old. You’ll forget you’re cursed in a day or two.
Teri: Warm words of encouragement.
Betty: I want to not believe in it, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is off.
Ralph: Yeah, you. Off your rocker.
Teri: We should get mom a rocking chair, she’d look cute if we put her out on the porch on one with a blanket in her lap.
Velma: Trust me, Betty, the curse is real. There’s no way to escape it now that it’s been unleashed.
Mitchell: And how do you know it’s real?
Velma: Because I met you and married you within seven years of the time I broke a mirror.
Mitchell: That was cold.
Betty: I guess I’m going to have to make some major life changes. Adjust myself to a life of caution. I can’t go anywhere risky with this curse looming over me. No more concerts, no movies, no traveling beneath a bridge -
Teri: Dad, call the doctor. I think mom needs to be institutionalized.
The next day…
Betty: Ahh!!!
Velma: Betty! What’s wrong?
Betty: My phone! It didn’t charge last night!
Velma: That’s what the scream was about?
Betty: I need my phone to be charged, I rely on it! This is because of the curse!
Tammi: It’s either that or because you plugged it into the same outlet as the lamp, which is connected to the light switch, which someone turned off.
Betty: The mirror demon turned it off.
Tammi: Mirror demon?
Betty: Whoever administers these curses, that’s who turned it off.
Ralph: Do you think curses work like the DMV?
Cindy: How would you know what the DMV is like? You’ve never even tried to get a license.
Ralph: Not now, Cindy Lou-Who. Mom’s in crisis. A phone at 70% charge, how ever will she live?
Teri: What’s going on out here?
Ralph: Mom’s nearing the end because her phone isn’t fully charged.
Betty: I never said that! I just said that there’s even more evidence that the curse is real!
Teri: Again with the curse? Oh lord. You have to give it up!
Jerry: I can’t believe she even remembers anymore.
Tammi: I feel like I’m living in an episode of The X-Files and grandma is Mulder.
Ralph: Everyone knows Scully was the best.
Betty: You all think I’m crazy, but I know I’m right! Now, if you excuse me, I have to go take a shower and get ready to go to the boutique.
Teri: Try not to slip in the shower!
Betty: Oh my goodness, I didn’t even think of that! Should I not shower?
Ralph: Nice going, Teri.
Betty: I think I’ll take a bath until I can get those little anti-slip stickers.
Jerry: Now our shower is going to look like one at at old folks’ home.
Danielle: We already have a Safe Step tub, I don’t think it gets older than that. I like it, though. My legs are tired after a long day at work, I don’t need to pick up my legs to get in the shower.
Betty: I’m not taking any chances with my life. People my age die from shower slips all the time.
Cindy: You do whatever you need to to feel safe.
Betty: Thank you, Cindy. I’m glad someone is being understanding.
Betty goes into the bathroom.
Cindy: What are we going to do about this? She can’t keep living her life in fear of some fake curse.
Tammi: Honestly, I’m a bit concerned that she’s causing all of these bad things to happen on her own. Not that she’s faking it, but that she’s doing it subconsciously to further the curse along.
Teri: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Jerry: I saw her type in the channel for Fox News on the remote last night and then claim that her seeing Jesse Watters and Judge Jeanine on her TV was part of the curse.
Karl: I’m also concerned.
Ralph: When dad’s worried, you know it’s bad. He doesn’t worry about anything.
Karl: I worry! I just keep it to myself because the rest of you like to overreact.
Velma: Us? Overreacting?
Karl: Hard to imagine, I know.
Teri: Imagine there’s no he-
Jerry: Teri, don’t sing that communist propaganda in my home!
Teri: No hell below us! Above us, only sky.
Karl: As I was saying, I’m also worried that this is going to consume her. You all know how she can get sometimes, I’m afraid she’s going to go out of her way to “protect” herself from the curse and start missing major life events for no reason.
Teri: She already told me she doesn’t want to go to Stars on Ice this year. Stars on Ice! Her favorite thing on earth!
Ralph: Aren’t we her fa-
Teri: No.
Karl: I’m a little surprised she’s willing to go in to work. That is the scene of the accident, after all.
Jerry: I have an idea. What if I just go to the boutique, replace the mirror, and we all gaslight her into believing that it never broke at all and it was just a dream?
Karl: That’s… it’s mean, but it could work. We’ll call that “plan B.”
Jerry: I’m actually surprised that didn’t get me yelled at.
Cindy: You want to convince my mother that she’s crazy? What is wrong with you?
Jerry: And there it is.
Betty: Ahh!
Ralph: There she goes again.
Cindy: Mom, what’s going on?
Betty: The power went off in the bathroom! I can’t see a thing!
Karl: I’ll check the fuse box, sweetie.
Betty: Thank you!
Teri: Yeah, we have to do something about this.
Ralph: No shit.
Jerry: My plan’s looking better and better, ain’t it, Cindy?
Cindy: We’re not gaslighting my mother!
Jerry: But we could if we wanted to!
Later that day, at the boutique…
Karl: Honey, I’m going to the back room to grab some of the freight that just arrived. Can you handle the register?
Jerry: Yes, I can ha- oh, you were talking to Betty.
Betty: I can handle the register, Karl.
Karl: That’s good, I’ll be right back.
Betty: I was already at the register when he was here, what was that about?
Jerry: I think he’s just concerned about you. I don’t know why, though. You have it all together!
Betty: Don’t mock me, Jerry.
Jerry: I mean it! Of all the cursed people I know, you have it together the most!
The door swings open.
Betty: Oh, god! It’s death himself coming for me!
Anita: Nope, even worse!
Betty: Ahh! The curse!
Anita: You always talk and look crazy, but you look even worse than normal. What’s going on? You look like you traveled through a wind tunnel.
Betty: I don’t do tunnels anymore, the risk of collapse is so high.
Anita: Huh?
Jerry: Anita, I don’t have any issues with you like my mother-in-law does, but I have to ask: why are you here?
Anita: Well, I woke up today and said “I need some ugly, tacky, cheaply-made clothing at a marked-up price, let’s head to Betty’s!”
Betty: You’re in your traditional good mood this morning. Why’d you decide to grace me with your presence?
Anita: Really, one of my girlfriends is a… she’s a fan of your shop. It’s her birthday, and there’s a top that she really wanted. I’m such a good friend, I put all my morals aside just to get her that top.
Betty: We don’t sell tops, those are at the toy store. And you shouldn’t be friends with children, Anita, that’s just sad.
Anita: Oh… you. Always with your jokes.
Jerry: How can I help you find this blouse? What does it look like?
Anita: It has, um… I want to say tiger print?
Betty: She doesn’t even know what the shirt looks like. What a friend! You might as well call her Katharine Hepburn because she’s the Woman of the Year! She’s practically Mother Teresa!
Anita: Are you just going to name all of the famous women you’ve heard of? It’s an honor to be compared to any of them.
Betty: I was being sarc-
Anita: Oh, would you look at that! There’s the top I was looking for!
Betty: It’s called a blouse.
Anita: My friend and I wear the same size, could I go try this on in the dressing room to make sure it’ll fit?
Betty: You can't go in that dressing room, you’ll have to use the other one.
Anita: Why not? Are you trying to keep me from using the good one? This won’t stand.
Betty: The mirror is broken in that one.
Anita: A broken mirror? You know that’s bad luck.
Betty: It is?
Anita: I broke a mirror once, I was so unlucky for years. Cars would stall at the worst time imaginable, my TV would malfunction, food would spoil quickly, I was always off by one number when I played the lottery, poison started growing in my yard… it was just awful! If you have that bad juju hanging over you right now, I don’t think I can be here. Let me just ring up my purchase and get out of here before anything bad happens.
Jerry: I can ring you up if you’re too afraid of Betty touching you.
Anita: That’d be great, thanks.
Jerry rings up Anita’s purchase and she leaves.
Betty: What a nut she is, huh?
Later that night, at home…
Karl: Have you guys noticed what you haven’t heard about at all since we got home from work?
Tammi: Does it rhyme with “purse?”
Karl: Right on the money!
Velma: Yeah, what’s up with that?
Danielle: I was beginning to think you just brought home a Betty doppelgänger instead of the real Betty. She never lets one of her silly ideas go this easily.
Karl: You know how she hates Anita DeFleur?
Velma: People in Luxembourg know how she hates Anita DeFleur.
Karl: I got Anita to come into the shop today and talk about how she believes that breaking a mirror brings you bad luck. I knew the second Betty heard Anita say that, she’d never believe it again for a second.
Teri: How’d you get Anita to come into mom’s shop? Did you witness her killing someone and decide to blackmail her?
Ralph: If so, I approve.
Karl: Money talks.
Velma: How much money did you have to pay her?
Karl: Let’s just say that that new playground the HOA is installing should be named in my honor.
What did you think of this episode Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
