Our House Season 4 Episode 16 - Our Elm Creek

Our House Season 4, Episode 16
Our Elm Creek

Velma walks into the living room, where everyone else is sitting.

Velma: I have an idea!

Betty: Velma, we’re watching American Idol.

Cindy: That Katy is so crazy! What a fun bunch!

Velma: I thought we were going to wait and watch American Idol together?

Betty: We were, but you never came in and we had to start it. Some of us have to work tomorrow, you know.

Velma: I wake up two hours before you.

Danielle: I tried to get them to put The Equalizer on, but nobody listened to me.

Jerry: Every episode’s the same, Danielle. Sure, it’s fun to watch Queen Latifah kick ass, but it happens every week.

Danielle: You’re right, American Idol is filled with twists and turns. Will they get a golden ticket? Won’t they? Will Katy Petty cry? Will Lionel Richie give an inspirational pep talk? Will Luke Bryan say something incoherently southern? That all happens every episode, there’s nothing new there!

Jerry: Wow, you’re really passionate about this.

Danielle: Never insult Queen Latifah in front of me again.

Velma: Anyway, as I wa-

Tammi: Grandpa, just pause the show. This is clearly going to be a while.

Karl: Already on it, as soon as I find the remote.

Ralph: Guess it’s time for a bathroom break.

Mitchell: Not if I beat you there!

Velma: We have more than one bathroom, bozo.

Mitchell: I know, I just thought a little competition would be fun.

Velma: So, as I was trying to say, I have off on Friday and I’ve been looking for something fun to do. I thought some of us could go for a nice day at Elm Creek State Park. Those of us that aren’t working or can take the day off, that is.

Betty: I’ll have to check with my boss.

Teri: Hilarious.

Velma: No one has given me feedback on my idea.

Tammi: I can’t take off, I’m sorry.

Cindy: I also can’t, but I’m also not sure if I’d be physically able to do it anyway on account of me being absolutely repulsed by the thought of hiking.

Frank: I’ll g-

Betty: I’m out.

Frank: Fine, I won’t go then. I know better than to go anywhere that I’m not wanted.

Teri: Guess I can go, then. I do have off on Friday. It sounds like fun, as long as Frank holds true to his decline.

Velma: Some answers, good!

Cindy: I gave you an answer, I said no.

Danielle: I can take off work. I never take off and I’ve built up a lot of vacation days, they can manage without me. A girls trip will be fun!

Mitchell: Girls trip? What about me?

Velma: Honey… you on a hike?

Mitchell: I know, I thought it was funny, though.

Velma: I’ve taken up enough time, I guess. Let’s get back to American Idol. Anyone else who wants to go with, let me know by Friday! It’s gonna be fun!

Friday morning…

Velma: Teri, we just got out of Wawa. We haven’t even left the lot. How do you have to go to the bathroom?

Teri: I don’t like going at gas stations! I held it!

Velma: You want me to turn home already?

Betty: Just go in the store, honey! It won’t be that bad.

Danielle: It’ll be a lot better than any bathroom we see at Elm Creek.

Teri: Fine. I will do it, but I’m not going to be happy about it.

Betty: While you’re in there…

Teri: Here we go!

Betty: Can you get me a milkshake? I wanted to order one, but I forgot to.

Teri: Ugh, fine.

Betty: You’re the best!

Two hours later…

Betty: Are we almost there?

Velma: Close enough. We took a few wrong turns -

Teri: We?

Velma: I. I took a few wrong turns. Happy now?

Teri: Yes.

Danielle: Teri, how many times are you going to make us listen to the Doopa Loopa album? I get it. She wants me, she thinks I want her, she’s levitating. I don’t need to hear it seven times.

Teri: Her name is Dua Lipa!

Velma: She’s not just playing Doopa, she’s also making us listen to Olivia Rodrigo.

Danielle: Yes, I do get deja vu. It makes me want to jump out the goddamn window.

Teri: I brought two CDs with me, I didn’t realize we would be in the car so much!

Velma: You knew it was a ninety minute drive!

Danielle: We could always put the radio on.

Teri: And listen to commercials? Come on, Danielle!

Betty: I don’t mind it, I can dance to this!

Teri: Mom, you’re gonna tire yourself out before we even get to the park.

Betty: Let me live a little! I’m just doing a little dancing in my seat!

Danielle: Teri, she had a liter of milkshake on the way here. She’s gonna have plenty of energy.

Teri: Once that sugar rush crashes, it’s not going to be pretty. She’ll be falling asleep while walking.

Betty: If I start falling asleep while I’m walking, call the coroner, because that means I’m dead.

Teri: Don’t even joke about that!

Betty: I’m just saying! You don’t have to worry about me falling asleep while standing up. I will be fine!

Teri: She’s already throwing a hissy fit like a kindergartener, this is going to be a long day.

Danielle: Velma, just turn up the Dua Lipa to drown this out.

Velma: I was planning on it!

Twenty minutes later…

Velma: We are finally here! We’d have been here sooner if Danielle didn’t insist on navigating herself instead of using a GPS, but it is what it is.

Danielle: I don’t trust the things, they aren’t reliable.

Teri: We nearly ended up in North Carolina because we didn’t use one, but yes, it’s the GPSes that aren’t reliable.

Velma: None of that matters now, we’re here.

Betty: And not a moment too soon, I have to pee!

Teri: I wonder why. Surely has nothing to do with the cookies and cream shake that we heard you slurring for an hour straight.

Danielle: I thought she was gonna pass out from lack of oxygen, she wasn’t coming up for air.

Betty: Are you guys going to spend the entire day talking about me?

Teri: Of course not! We’ll probably make fun of Velma, too.

Velma: Very funny.

Teri: I wasn’t trying to be funny.

Danielle: All right, let’s stop arguing and get into that visitor center. We gotta find out where we’re supposed to go for the hiking trail.

Velma: Sounds like a plan to me.

Ten minutes later, inside the visitor center…

Velma: Now that everyone’s gone to the bathroom, maybe we can get on our way?

Danielle: We’ve been in here so long, are there even any workers here anymore?

Betty: We’ve been here ten minutes!

Danielle: It didn’t feel like ten minutes.

The group walks over to the front desk.

Velma: Hello, sir! Can you help us?

Teri: No one can help you, Velma.

Thomas (ranger): What do you need help with, ma’am?”

Velma: Ma’am…

Danielle: We’re looking for trails to hike in the park. Whatever’s closest is fine.

Thomas: Well, we have a lot of different paths here. There’s the scenic waterfall path, though that one is a bit of a challenge. Then there’s the Trail of Screams path -

Teri: The trail of what?

Thomas: Trail of Screams. That’s one of our more moderate paths.

Danielle: If that’s moderate, what are the names of your other paths?

Thomas: I can assure you, it isn’t as daunting as the damn implies. It’s the most popular trail at the park among families.

Velma: How far away is that one?

Thomas: A mile down the road. The signs are clearly labeled, so you can’t miss it. I’ll give you a map, as well.

Velma: Thank you so much for your help! I also saw something about a field of boulders. Where is that?

Thomas: That’s on the map as well. It’s three miles in the opposite direction from Trail of Screams, but it’s very pretty and well worth the drive. Again, there are many signs so it shouldn’t be too hard to find, but I’ll draw a path on the map, as well. Any other points of interest that you guys want to see?

Velma: Mark the waterfall one, please. I love waterfalls.

Thomas: Okay, anything else?

Teri: That should keep us busy for today, thank you.

Twenty minutes later…

Teri: The trail was a mile from the welcome center with clear signs on the road, how did you get lost?

Velma: I don’t appreciate your tone right now.

Danielle: How did you get lost, though?

Velma: It was Teri’s music, I got distracted!

Teri: I play the same CDs, you get mad. I play Billie Eilish on my phone, that’s “confusing.” Stop being so indecisive, Velma!

Betty: Oh, look, we’re here! And not a minute too soon!

Danielle: Time to scream, I guess.

Teri: I really can’t think of a worse name they possible could’ve given this place.

Betty: They could’ve called it the “Trail of Death.”

Teri: I guess that would be worse, you’re right.

Danielle: So what’s our plan here? We’re gonna hike this trail and then come back and eat our lunch?

Teri: I thought we could go to the picnic area for lunch.

Danielle: There’s a picnic area?

Teri: According to the map, there’s a lakefront picnic area down the road.

Betty: Why didn't the nice man at the welcome center tell us that?

Teri: We didn’t ask.

Velma: Yeah, Teri was in a hurry to get out of there.

Teri: Well, it’s almost noon. I’m hoping to get some actual walking done before we have to head back home.

Velma: Then, let’s go.

Betty: Should I take a water? Or maybe it’ll slow me down?

Teri: Take a water, I’m not giving you any of mine.

Betty: Point taken.

Thirty minutes later…

Teri: I’m starting to see why they named it Trail of Screams. It reminds me of a horror movie.

Velma: A horror movie?

Teri: Yeah, it’s almost too quiet. It reminds me of the camp from Friday the 13th.

Danielle: Are we supposed to go over the bridge or keep walking straight?

Velma: The sign has an arrow pointing straight.

Teri: To what, though? What if Jason Voorhees planted that there to trick us into walking right into his trap?

Danielle: You watch too many movies.

Teri: I do, it’s a problem.

Danielle: We’re going straight.

Teri: Sounds good to me.

Ten minutes later…

Teri: You know, we’re kinda like the Golden Girls. Mom is Sophia, of course. Velma’s Rose because she’s a ditz -

Danielle: I’m Blanche, because I’m gorgeous.

Teri: And I’m Dorothy, because I’m a bitch.

Betty: That’s great, girls, but, um, I haven’t seen any signs in a while. Are we going the right way?

Teri: I was right. There’s probably a serial killer following us right now.

Velma: Hello! You there, serial killer man? No answer, I think we’re good.

Teri: There’s no need to mock me.

Velma: Seriously, though. Where are we?

Danielle: Some field.

Velma: Why are we in a field?

Danielle: The arrow pointed this way, and then we sort of lost our way at some point, I guess.

Velma: In what way is this part of a path?

Danielle: What if we were supposed to take the bridge?

Teri: Like I said, this is a setup!

Betty: Aren’t we supposed to see a creek on this trail? I hear water moving this way.

Danielle: Let’s just follow her, we can’t get any more lost than we already are.

Five minutes later…

Danielle: Velma, Teri, what are you two doing?

Betty: They can’t hear you from there!

Danielle: I am worried! They’re crawling on these wet rocks like a couple of morons!

Betty: Danielle, I am Teri’s mother and Velma’s… uh… aunt? I’m worry about their wellbeing constantly, but I trust their judgment. They wouldn’t put themselves in harm’s way.

Danielle: Not knowingly, but maybe accidentally.

Teri: Ah!

Betty: Oh god. My baby!

Velma: Oh, god. Your pants are soaked!

Danielle: Did she fall in water or pee herself?

Teri: I can hear you! I had an accident!

Danielle: That does not answer my question.

Teri: My foot slipped on the rock and I fell into the water. I’m fine!

Betty: Did you get any good pictures?

Teri: You know it!

Velma: This did not help get us back to the trial.

Betty: It was worth a shot. Right?

Danielle: How about we just retrace our steps?

Velma: We took so many turns, can any of us really remember how we got here?

Betty: Can we get off these rocks, please? I’m nervous after what happened to Teri.

Teri: Yeah, let’s go back to the creepy field.

Velma: I have an idea.

Teri: Lay it on us.

Velma: Teri, get your phone out.

Teri: Okay, here’s the thing. I forgot to turn off my phone after we got out of the car and I left the music on at a muted volume and it drained my battery and my phone is dead.

Velma: Okay, Betty, get your phone out.

Betty: Will do!

Teri: Just don’t drop it, mom. Not again.

Danielle: Are you going to call Mitchell to help us out?

Velma: Are you joking?

Danielle: Yeah, I thought it was pretty funny.

Velma: I’m pulling up the GPS. They have good ones on their phones, mine’s a hunk of junk.

Danielle: You know how I feel about GPSes.

Velma: It’s our last hope!

Danielle: Fine. See if that app can save us.

Velma: Oh, look. It has the a hiking trail on it. How convenient!

Danielle: Don’t rub it in.

Velma: We’ll be back to the trail in a jiffy!

Betty: I’m getting tired. And hungry.

Teri: Mom, we have come too far to not see this through!

Betty: I’m not going to hold you back, I will finish the trail with you girls.

Velma: All right, let’s get back to the trail!

Danielle: You have such confidence in that app.

Velma: It’s going to get us back to the trail, and you’ll finally be able to get past your hate for the GPS!

Danielle: I’ll believe it when I see it.

One hour later…

Betty: Ugh… are we almost at the car?

Teri: My legs!

Danielle: That was a “moderate” hike? When I see Thomas from the welcome center again, I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind!

Velma: I can’t wait for my sandwich!

Teri: You have to wait until we get to the lake for that!

Velma: I’m using the GPS to get us there. I’m not going through fifteen minutes of added-on wandering because none of us know how to use a map.

Teri: Yeah, we’ve spent enough of this day being clueless already.

Danielle: I must admit, the GPS did help this time! I still don’t trust them, but we probably wouldn’t have gotten here without them.

Betty: Thank god we got here now, my feet are killing me.

Teri: Are you gonna be able to do the waterfall hike?

Danielle: Are any of us?

Teri: Come on, we’ll go eat our sandwiches by the lake, relax a while, go look at a field of boulders, listen to some Olivia Rodrigo tunes, and we’ll be energized and ready to chase waterfalls!

Danielle: Teri, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to. 

What did you think of this episode Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for a new episode next week!

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