Velma: You guys all know what tomorrow is, right?
Jerry: Saturday?
Frank (singing) Saturday, in the park -
Tammi: Honey, don’t sing. Not now, not ever.
Frank: I have a wonderful voice!
Teri: A wonderful voice to shatter glass, that is.
Velma: Tomorrow is when I head to Pittsburgh to visit my dad and my brother!
Danielle: Oh, right. Mitchell, you excited?
Velma: Don’t even get me started on him.
Mitchell: What did I do now? I agreed to go, even though your dad hates me. Because I am a supportive husband!
Jerry: Just think, no matter how much he hates you, he can’t possibly hate you more than Velma does!
Tammi: That was so calming, dad.
Jerry: Thank you, I try.
Velma: I do not hate Mitchell! Not most of the time, at least.
Mitchell: Honey, that’s so sweet!
Teri: Are you packed and ready to go? I know how long it takes you to do… well, most things really.
Ralph: Is Teri calling someone else slow? Pot, meet kettle.
Teri: I am not slow!
Karl: We’d have to wake you up at five in the morning just so you’d be really for school at the same time as your brother and sister.
Betty: Do you know how much it pained me to have to set my alarm for four fifty in the MORNING?
Ralph: Didn’t you just go back to bed after you woke Teri?
Betty: That’s beside the point, isn’t it?
Velma: Yes, I am packed and ready to go. I think Mitchell is as well, but who’s to say?
Mitchell: I’ll say! I’m ready to go!
Teri: If you’re really packed and ready, Velma, then why is that gross cereal you eat still in the cupboard? No one but you eats that, you should take it with you and leave it there.
Frank: I like that cereal!
Teri: You would.
Frank: It's good!
Teri: No, it isn't.
Cindy: Why do all of our dinners always seem to devolve into another episode of WWE SmackDown?
Ralph: Because we’re idiots, Cindy.
Cindy: That’s not true! Danielle’s not!
Danielle: I chose to join this family, I’m a bigger idiot than any of you.
Betty: Hey, don’t you ever say that! No matter what you do, we will never view you as a bigger idiot than Frank!
Danielle: Frank did technically choose to join the family, too.
Frank: I chose to marry Tammi, I never realized The Brady Bunch came with as a package deal.
Teri: And we’ve been paying for it ever since!
Steven: Dad, what’s the Brady Bunch?
Frank: Wow, I’m old.
Karl: Even I knew that was an outdated reference. And I regularly quote Jimmy Durante!
Steven: That’s Frosty the Snowman!
Frank: How’d you know that?
Tammi: I taught him well, that’s how!
Velma: I really feel like this conversation is running away from me.
Teri: It always does. These people talk so much and so fast, I feel like I’m having dinner with the Gilmore Girls. We can never stay on-topic.
Betty: So who here has seen the groundbreaking NBC miniseries The Thing About Pam starring Renee Zellweger?
Ralph: Mom… timing.
Betty: There’s never a bad time to talk about quality television!
Frank: You know what’s quality television to me?
Teri: Tucker Carlson?
Frank: You’re so bitter.
Betty: I don’t think I’ve ever seen that show.
Velma: Okay, you all know I’m going away this weekend, I guess that’s the end of that conversation. Go ahead, talk about your shows.
The next day…
Velma: Mitchell, let’s get moving. It’s getting late and we have a long drive ahead of us.
Mitchell: Honey, I -
Velma: “Honey?” What did you do?
Mitchell: I feel sick, I think I have a stomach bug.
Cindy: This is what happens when we let Teri talk us into trying a new place to eat because she had a coupon.
Teri: There’s no fault in being thrifty!
Cindy: It had two stars on Yelp!
Teri: People lie on the internet all the time! They’re trying to take down the Italianx community!
Velma: Mitchell, what is wrong with your stomach?
Mitchell: I’m nauseous.
Jerry: He usually saves this for a work day, he must really not want to go to Pittsburgh!
Mitchell: I’m not faking it, I really do feel like puking my guts out. I don’t think I’ll be able to go.
Velma: How convenient.
Mitchell: Look at me, do I look healthy?
Teri: When do you ever, really?
Cindy: Olivia Rodrigo certainly did not write Good 4 U about him.
Mitchell: You guys are so mean, kicking me while I’m down.
Ralph: They’re going easy on you, I’ve seen them literally kick people.
Velma: Guys, I do appreciate you all tearing into Mitchell, because he deserves it, but could we have a moment of privacy?
Cindy: Of course!
Ralph: Is she going to kill him? I want their room if she does.
Teri: Dammit, I was too slow.
Ralph: Better luck next time!
Teri: Maybe I can get Cindy and Jerry’s room after they join a cult.
Cindy: Join a cult? What?
Teri: You just feel like cult people, what can I say?
Velma: Okay, thank you for all your help, see you later!
Velma closes the door.
Velma: So, are you faking it or are you really sick? I need to know.
Mitchell bends over and throws up into the garbage pail.
Velma: Okay, at least you’re not lying this time.
Mitchell: Why would I lie?
Velma: You’re terrified of my father?
Mitchell: Terrified of Simon? No, we just drive each other nuts! A weekend with him isn’t bad enough to make me fake an illness.
Velma: Well, I’m sorry for accusing you. Do you need Pepto-Bismol?
Mitchell: I don’t know if that’ll fix it, but it can’t hurt.
Velma: I’ll have Frank get it for you. He’s gotta be useful for something, right?
Mitchell: I’ll get it myself in that case.
Velma: I’m only joking with you. I’m going to need someone here to watch after you while I’m gone, though. I don’t trust you not to snack on junk food, even with your stomach like this.
Mitchell: You think that little of me?
Velma: I’ve seen you down a row of Pecan Sandies, throw up, and then eat more. I put nothing past you. The prospect of food obliterates your critical thinking skills.
Mitchell: Have someone nice come and check on me. I don’t need Teri coming in to harass me every hour.
Velma: Don’t worry, I’ll get Danielle to do it. She’s basically a nurse.
Mitchell: Have fun on your trip, okay?
Velma: I’m going to try to. You try to feel better so you don’t have to any work.
Mitchell: What a fun incentive to heal.
Velma walks out of the room.
Ralph: So, is he still alive or did the chicken parmesan take him out?
Jerry: That was supposed to be chicken? I thought it was rotten eggplant!
Teri: This is really all beside the point, isn’t it?
Velma: He’s actually sick, he’s going to be fine, and it probably was the chicken parm.
Ralph: We could have Teri charged with attempted murder.
Velma: This brings me to my question! Teri, since Mitchell isn’t able to travel and I don’t feel comfortable traveling all that way alone, would you go with me to Pittsburgh?
Teri: Me? In Pittsburgh?
Ralph: Teri just said “Pittsburgh” as if Velma was suggesting they travel to Narnia.
Jerry: Narnia would have a better hockey team.
Velma: I know it’s short-notice, I can give you time to pack.
Teri: Since the takeout was my idea, I guess I’ll go.
Velma: Thank you!
Cindy: Here’s what I’m wondering: if it’s food poisoning from the Italian restaurant, how are none of us sick when Mitchell is sick?
Jerry: Brenda and Eddie must have only poisoned the chicken. The rest of us didn’t have chicken.
Cindy: I’ve never in my life felt so lucky to have eaten disgusting spaghetti!
Velma: Danielle, I have a question for you, too!
Danielle: Sure, I’ll go. I can pack quick!
Velma: Well, actually -
Cindy: Awkward!
Velma: I was going to ask you to take care of Mitchell while I’m gone.
Danielle: Oh, I can do that too. I don’t need a vacation at all, I’m good.
Velma: You sure?
Danielle: Of course!
Jerry: No one has ever called a trip to Pittsburgh a “vacation” anyway.
Danielle: By “take care of,” you mean watch after him, right? You’re not expecting me to kill him, I hope. I’d do it, but it’d be scary.
Velma: Why does everyone think I want to kill Mitchell?
Jerry: We’ve heard how you talk to him.
Velma: I’m nice to my husband!
Jerry: Are you?
Velma: Ah, you guys always give me a hard time!
Karl: Try to ignore them!
Cindy: Oh, look. Mom and dad are back from their walk!
Betty: I’m sweating like a glass of iced tea on a hot summer day.
Teri: Mom, it’s sixty degrees out and our neighborhood doesn’t have any hills. Why are you sweating?
Betty: I don’t move enough! This is a lot for me!
Teri: Get that checked out.
Velma: Teri, can you get to packing so we can leave?
Betty: We? Where are you going, honey?
Teri: Mitchell is sick, so I’m going with Velma to Pittsburgh.
Betty: I’ve always wanted to go to Pittsburgh.
Tammi: You have?
Betty: Yes!
Steven: What’s in Pittsburgh?
Frank: A crappy football team.
Velma: You’re lucky Mitchell’s not around to hear you say that!
Betty: Velma, could I go with you to Pittsburgh? It could be such a fun time!
Velma: I don’t see why not, as long as you’re okay with sleeping on a pullout sofa.
Betty: If I can do it on vacation, I can do it now. No problem!
Teri: Mom, just so you know, Velma’s dad is a Republican. Don’t bring up politics around him, we don’t want to ruin her visit home with petty arguing.
Betty: Would I ever do that?
Jerry: Yes.
Betty: I w-
Jerry: You would.
Karl: All right, let’s get you packed so you can all get out of here. And let’s try to avoid arguing with anyone today.
Betty: Can’t promise anything, Karl. Apparently I have a tendency to argue in a petty way. Just ask Jerry.
Jerry: See, that’s what I was referring to!
Four hours later…
Velma: Welcome to Pennsylvania!
Teri: We weren’t in Pennsylvania yet?
Betty: I have to pee!
Teri: I’m sure you do.
Betty: I do!
Velma: I’ll look for a bathroom.
Teri: How long until Pittsburg
Velma: Well, we just entered the state, so we’re at about the midway mark. Probably three more hours, with stopping.
Teri: I never realized the drive was so long. All this for three days?
Velma: It’s worth it. In my eyes, at least.
Betty: In mine as well! I love exploring new places!
Teri: Mom, it’s Pittsburgh, not the magical land of Oz!
Velma: Ralph made a similar joke against you earlier today. Stealing jokes is beneath you.
Betty: I raised you better than that, Teri!
Teri: This drive is only getting better!
Three hours later…
Velma: Guys, we -
Betty: I gotta pee!
Teri: Again?
Betty: I really should’ve have bought that Frappuccino at Starbucks.
Teri: What can I talk with your dad and brother about, Velma? What can help us bond? If I’m spending the weekend with them, I gotta have something to talk with them about.
Velma: Just have a normal conversation with them, like you do when you’d meet any other people.
Teri: I haven’t met anyone in a while that isn’t a stuck-up HOA lady, and they aren’t people.
Betty: You’re darn right!
Velma: Let’s just go in.
Teri: Okay, fine. I hope they’re prepared for a conversation about the groundbreaking Academy Award-nominated film CODA, because I watched it last night and it’s been on my mind.
Velma: I’m certain they have not seen it.
Teri: You don’t know for sure.
Velma: I’m going in.
Betty: I’m right behind you!
Velma knocks on the door and her brother, Andrew, answers.
Andrew: Finally, you’ve made it. We were getting worried. Dad almost called you like six times.
Simon (Velma’s dad): I did not!
Velma: Ah, good to see you guys, too!
Betty: Hello, I am so happy to be meeting you, but I have to use your bathroom.
Andrew: Nice to meet you, it’s down the hall.
Betty: Thank you!
Betty runs into the house.
Andrew: Velma, who did I just let into our house?
Simon: And is that husband of yours still in the car? He didn’t help you ladies carry your luggage into the house?
Velma: Okay, couple things! First, this is Teri, who you’ve met but not in a very long time. She is Mitchell’s cousin.
Teri: Hello! You’re from Pennsylvania, do you watch Abbott Elementary?
Velma: The woman who ran into your house to use your bathroom is Teri’s mother, Betty.
Teri: She’s insane, but in the fun way. You’ll have a blast with her, just don’t mention this year’s Dancing with the Stars results or Carey Mulligan’s recent Oscar snub. She takes those very personally.
Simon: I don’t know who that is, so we’re good!
Teri: Ah, I think we’re going to like each other a lot!
Simon: Sweetheart, you never told me what’s going on with Mitchell. Did he fall asleep in the car or something?
Velma: He’s not here.
Simon: I knew it! I knew he’d chicken out.
Andrew: I owe you ten bucks, dad.
Simon: What’s his excuse this time?
Velma: He has food poisoning. I didn’t believe it myself until I saw him make a mess of our garbage pail.
Simon: You’re sure he’s not just lying to get out of the trip? He could’ve gotten fake vomit, like in Hollywood.
Velma: No, he’s not smart enough for that.
Teri: I should probably be defending my cousin, but I’m not going to, because you’re not saying anything that isn’t true.
Simon: I like you, you’re a realist.
Teri: I’m not a Fox News sort of “realist,” though, don’t get the wrong idea. Politics will not be a point of discussion between us while we’re here.
Simon: I can respect that. I feel like most people just want to get in political arguments these days.
Andrew: It’s all you see on Facebook.
Teri: Those people drive me nuts. Speaking of which… glad you found the bathroom, mom.
Betty: I want to formally introduce myself.
Simon: Betty! We’re so happy to have you.
Betty: It’s nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about all of you.
Andrew: We’ve heard nothing about you, but we’re glad that’s changing now!
Betty: I’d be happy to see any other human beings after a drive that long, but you two both seem very nice. I’m happy to be here and to get to see your city. I’ve always wanted to come here.
Simon: You’ve always wanted to see Pittsburgh? Why?
Betty: Because of This Is Us.
Velma: I should go unpack my things before dinner. I’ll catch up with you guys later.
Teri: Oh, come on. It’s your family, you should catch up with them. I can unpack your suitcase for you.
Velma: That’s so nice of you, thank you. I must say, getting to relax on the couch is going to be the best part. I forgot how uncomfortable it is to drive in that car for so long.
Betty: The knots in by neck have knots.
Simon: I have a cream for that if you want it.
Betty: That would be great!
Andrew: Sis, I think you’ve created a new power duo.
Velma: I’m afraid I have.
Andrew: They’re going to be trading cookie recipes by the end of the weekend.
What did you think of this episode Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
