Olivia is sitting in her hotel room in Havre de Grace, Maryland when Fred walks in.
Fred: Olivia, are you coming? The children are ready to go already.
Olivia: They’re not children, Fred. They’re forty years old.
Fred: Either way, they’re ready to go.
Olivia: Well, I’m not.
Fred: What’s wrong?
Olivia: I don’t know what to wear.
Fred: You’re currently dressed.
Olivia: I don’t know if this is what I want to wear, though. You know?
Fred: Uh… sure. Well, it’s November and we’re going sailing on the ocean, so maybe dress warmly?
Olivia: I am dressed warmly!
Fred: I’m simply trying to give my wife some helpful advice so we aren’t late.
Olivia: I’ve decided not to change. Let’s go!
Olivia stands up from the bed and starts walking into the hall.
Fred: Your purse!
Olivia: I knew I was forgetting something!
Fred: Also your bag with snacks and sunscreen.
Olivia: Could you assist me? It’s hard to carry two bags.
Fred: I’m carrying the cooler.
Olivia: Fine, the Queen’s daughter will carry her own bags.
Fred: You’re moody today.
Olivia: I overslept.
Fred: Oh, that’s why…
Olivia: You know how I get when I oversleep. Or under-sleep.
Fred: I do. Now, let’s get moving.
While walking down the hallway to the lobby, Olivia receives a phone call.
Olivia: Can you take this bag?
Fred: Sure.
Olivia answers the phone.
Olivia: What is it, mother?
Eleanor: It’s nice to speak to you as well.
Olivia: It’s so nice to hear from you.
Eleanor: How is your trip going?
Olivia: It’s barely going. It’s only my first day here.
Eleanor: I have a favor to ask of you.
Olivia: I’m listening, but I’m scared.
Eleanor: The President heard that you are in town and he wants you to visit him.
Olivia: The President of what?
Eleanor: The United States.
Olivia: The President of the United States wants me to visit him? Where?
Eleanor: The White House.
Olivia: I am not nearly important enough to be going to the White House!
Eleanor: I’d tend to agree, but the President seems eager to connect himself to us and who am I to judge?
Olivia: I’m on vacation, mother. This is a big weekend for sailing. I don’t want to interrupt that because a politician wants a photo op.
Eleanor: It’s not just any politician. It’s the President of the United States. Think of the Special Relationship!
Olivia: We’re not political figures. I have no reason to go to the White House. Just let me enjoy my time in Maryland. Let me sail!
Eleanor: You may sail if you want to, but please, before you come home, just do me this favor. It will help keep the peace.
Olivia: I highly doubt that. the President is going to order a missile strike on London if I don’t go and see him.
Eleanor: Olivia, I very rarely ask you for favors. Could you please do this for me?
Olivia: Fine, mother. I will go to the White House. I won’t have a good time, but I will go.
Eleanor: Thank you! I’ll have someone inform the White House and they’ll be in contact with you. Have fun!
Olivia: Oh, I’m sure I’ll have boatloads of laughs.
Eleanor: That’s the spirit!
Olivia hangs up.
Fred: So, what wa-
Olivia: You heard.
Fred: I heard some of it.
Olivia: I have to go to the White House to meet with the President. How boring.
Fred: Boring? He’s the President of the United States!
Olivia: My mother is the Queen of the United Kingdom. Some rich old guy in an ill-fitting suit doesn’t excite me.
Fred: Well, let’s focus on enjoying our day today. Your White House trip will only be a one-day thing, and we have a week here.
Olivia: I’m going to add another day to the trip to make up for the lost day. I promised myself six days of sailing and I’m not going to miss it.
Olivia and Fred walk out to the lobby.
Gigi: My god, mother. I was beginning to think you got lost in this one-floor hotel.
Todd: Wow, mother. Who took the wind out of your sails?
Gigi: That was the most embarrassing pun I have ever heard.
Olivia: Your grandmother called, she’s forcing me to go to the White House this week to meet with the President. He requested a meeting and I’m not allowed to say no.
Todd: Are we invited?
Olivia: No, but I’ll bring you anyway.
Gigi: Mother, you’re almost seventy.
Olivia: That is a disgusting thing to say.
Gigi: What I’m trying to say is that I don’t understand why you can’t just tell gran you don’t want to go to the White House.
Olivia: I did tell her, she doesn’t listen. In the end, one day of pain will be better than having to hear her bug me about it for years to come.
Todd: So when are we going?
Olivia: I don’t know yet. What I do know is that right now, we’re going sailing.
Fred: Not if we don’t pick up the pace.
Olivia: Then let’s pick it up! Come on kiddos, let’s go.
Gigi: Mother, we’re forty.
Todd: You’re being quite generous to yourself there.
Gigi slaps Todd.
Olivia: You deserved that.
Two days later…
Gigi: I think it’s very nice that President Brighton sent a limousine for us.
Olivia: He sent it for me, he doesn’t even know you’re coming. And he didn’t do it out of the goodness of his heart, he’s just trying to get on your grandmother’s good side. All of this is his way of making a connection with the family because, for some reason, people here like us.
Todd: Either way, we get to go to the White House. How cool is that?
Olivia: We’re at Buckingham Palace every week. The White House doesn’t impress me.
Gigi: You’re in a bad mood, mum.
Olivia: Isn’t the President the guy who called me a horse-faced lesbian?
Gigi: No, that’s the other guy that ran. He didn’t win the primary. As far as I know, John Brighton has never insulted you.
Olivia: Maybe not personally, but I don’t like the way he talks. It’s unbecoming of a leader. He’s boorish and brash and his attempts at “kindness” are insincere.
Gigi: It could be worse. He could talk like Todd.
Todd: What is that supposed to mean?
Gigi: Deep down, you know.
Todd: I most certainly do not.
Fred: Oh, look. We’re here.
Olivia: Ugh, here we go…
Gigi: I can’t believe we’re meeting the President and you’re talking as if you’re getting a root canal.
Olivia: Well, you know how I feel about politicians…
Inside the White House…
Woman: Hello, your royal highness. I am Pauline Yorkman, President Brighton’s press secretary.
Olivia: Hello. How are you?
Pauline: I’m a bit nervous, but I’m doing well.
Olivia: Good to hear.
Pauline: So, the President is in his office meeting with the governor of New Jersey. It’ll be over in about twenty minutes. He asked me to see if you wanted to come out during my press briefing and address the crowd.
Olivia: Oh. Um… I guess.
Pauline: Your family won’t be able to come out since it tends to get a bit congested behind the podium. Is that okay?
Fred: Totally fine. I don’t even think we were invited here.
Pauline: The invitation was for Princess Royal, but the President doesn’t mind extra guests. The more the merrier.
Todd: That’s what I said.
Gigi: Of course it is.
Thirty minutes later…
Olivia: You know, Pauline told me it would be twenty minutes and here we are a half-hour later, still waiting.
Gigi: He’s the President. I’m sure he’s very busy.
Olivia: With the Governor of New Jersey? I’ve been to the state once and let me tell you, no one running that hellhole has anything to say that’s worth hearing.
Man: Your Royal Highness?
Olivia: Yes? We were just talking about the glory of New Jersey.
Man: There’s been a change of plans. The President wants to meet you in the Rose Garden if that’s all right with you.
Olivia: The Rose Garden? Well, I do love roses.
Man: Okay, just this way, then.
Olivia, Fred, Gigi and Todd are taken to the Rose Garden, where President John Brighton is waiting for them.
John: Olivia!
Olivia stares in another direction.
John: Olivia!
Olivia continues to stare into the distance.
John: Your Royal Highness?
Todd: Mother, the President is talking to you.
Olivia: Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. Hello, mister President.
John: Hello, Your Royal Highness.
Olivia: You don’t have to call me that.
John: Are you sure?
Olivia: It’s traditionally said that you only need to refer to a member as “Your Royal Highness” the first time you greet them. Anything beyond that would just be repetitive.
John: What should I call you then? Everyone here looked dumbfounded when I called you “Olivia.”
Olivia: “Ma’am” works well.
John: Well all right, ma’am it is. Let’s smile for the cameras.
Olivia: Sure, let’s.
John: I’m a bit nervous to be meeting you. Y’know, you are the second-most famous Olivia I’ve met this year.
Olivia: Oh, you’ve met Olivia Colman! I love her.
John: No, I don’t know who that is.
Olivia: Who is the first, then? Is Olivia Newton-John still around?
John: Pop superstar Olivia Rodrigo.
Olivia: Who?
Gigi: She’s young, mom. I don’t think you’d k-
Olivia: Are you implying I don’t know the youths? I know the youths.
John: It’s okay, I didn’t know her either until my daughters screamed at me and forced me to listen to her album. I’m the President, I shouldn’t be crying at an eighteen year-old’s album, but I did.
Olivia: That’s great, mister President. Do you sail?
John: Sail? Like the Christopher Cross song?
Olivia: Um… sure?
John: No, I don’t sail. I don’t do well on boats. Get sick easily.
Olivia: Oh…
John: Do you sail?
Olivia: That’s why I’m in the U.S. right now, actually. Sailing event in Maryland.
John: Ah, that’s nice.
Olivia: How’d you find out I was in America?
John: There’s a bit of a media frenzy about you right now.
Todd: I told you, mum. You’re a big deal!
John: She is!
Olivia: Stop, you’re going to make me blush!
John: You want to answer some questions now?
Olivia: Ask whatever you want!
John: I meant with the press.
Olivia: Oh, right.
John: Okay, everyone! We are honored to have Olivia, the Princess Royal here with us today. She is a valued guest here at the White House. Her presence here today is an example of the strong, everlasting bond between the United States and Eng-
Olivia (whispering): United Kingdom
John: the United Kingdom. Does anyone have questions for either of us?
Later that night, at the hotel…
Olivia: My lord, that was miserable.
Gigi: It wasn’t that bad! I had fun!
Todd: You got drunk.
Gigi: That’s why I had fun!
Fred: The President was -
Olivia: An arse.
Fred: He was nice!
Olivia: He started off the meeting by telling me i’m not that famous.
Todd: He said you were almost as famous as Olivia Rodrigo, that’s quite the compliment. Good for you!
Gigi: Her music’s great, mum. Not that I’d know, I’m much too old.
Olivia: This conversation has taken a turn. I’m going to run a bath.
Todd: No, don’t! We want you to be able to get your frustrations out.
Olivia: It was just a complete disaster, I made a fool of myself. I kissed up to this man for the world to see. I demeaned myself.
Gigi: But grandm-
Olivia: My mother better be so happy with herself over this one. I will never be able to go out in public again.
Fred: You’re being so hard on yourself.
Olivia: I pride myself on being above politicians. I have never rubbed elbows with them.
Gigi: You went to the G7 summit and hung out with Angela Merkel.
Olivia: Angela is a friend.
Gigi: She’s a politician.
Olivia: Above all, a friend.
The next morning, Olivia receives a call from Claude.
Claude: Olivia!
Olivia: Oh, it’s so early…
Claude: Oh my goodness, I miscalculated the time difference.
Olivia: That’s fine, who needs sleep anyway?
Claude: Olivia…
Olivia: You sound like mother.
Eleanor: He does not!
Olivia: Oh, great. You’re there.
Eleanor: What’s that supposed to mean?
Olivia: I embarrassed myself because of you!
Eleanor: At least she knows…
Olivia: Are you joking? I kissed up to him because of what you told me to do!
Claude: She doesn’t know…
Olivia: Know what?
Claude: All the papers are running stories about your “royal snub.”
Olivia: My what?
Claude: Apparently when you were in the Rose Garden, President Brighton introduced himself to you and you ignored him.
Olivia: What?
Eleanor: They think you’re a diva who ignored him because he was calling you by your name instead of your royal style. It’s ridiculous, but it has people talking.
Olivia: Oh my god, I don’t care about that! I was distracted by a bird!
Eleanor: That does sound like you.
Olivia: Trust me, I would’ve loved to have snubbed him. I didn’t, though. I have class.
Claude: The press doesn’t think so.
Olivia: Screw the press!
Claude: You’re okay with all of the world gossiping about you snubbing the President?
Olivia: I don’t give a damn. I just want to go back to beck. It’s five in the morning.
Eleanor: Well, you enjoy your sleep.
Claude: Enjoy your sailing, too!
Olivia: I must ask a question before I go. Are you two okay with people thinking I snubbed the President? It defeats the purpose of the meeting.
Claude: We all know mom is going to have someone call the White House to clear it up.
Eleanor: That’s true, that’s my next call.
Olivia: Good to know I always have someone around to clean up my mess for me. Not that I care!
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
