Marietta, Tammy and Amy are in the French Quarter after appearing at a gallery opening.
Amy: It’s such a beautiful fall day.
Tammy: It is, but I miss fall in New York. It’s not the same here.
Amy: Yeah, it smells better.
Tammy: Chappaqua smells and looks gorgeous this time of year.
Amy: Once you’re about an hour away from Chappaqua, however…
Marietta: I hate to break it to you, Amy, but New Orleans isn’t the freshest scent on earth, either. We quite literally are a mixture of dirty river and dirty ocean with a bit of bayou mixed in. That’s not a good smell.
Amy: But it’s our smell!
Tammy: Anyway, ladies, enough arguing about nasal nightmares. Thanksgiving’s in a few days. Any plans?
Amy: We’re supposed to visit Don’s family in New Mexico.
Marietta: Since when do they live there?
Amy: His sister’s lived there for a long time, she’s hosting it this year.
Marietta: I’m sure you’re thrilled to go.
Amy: I’ve filled my suitcase with Klonopin and wine.
Marietta: That’s the responsible way to go about things.
Tammy: What are you doing for Thanksgiving, Marietta?
Marietta: I think you know.
Tammy: Patty Lynn’s making dinner again?
Marietta: She insists upon it. I thought you would be coming again.
Tammy: I figured she’d ask me about coming if she wanted Mitch and I there. I didn’t want to be rude, so I didn’t ask her about it.
Marietta: I’m certain that she just forgot. I actually don’t think she even officially asked me. She is having it, though. She keeps talking about all the food she’s making.
Tammy: Well, you have fun!
Marietta: Do you want to come over?
Tammy: Oh, no. I usually would, but Mitch already bought a turkey and he’s very excited to deep fry it.
Marietta: Please don’t burn my house down.
Tammy: I will try. If I do, though, at least we have a few years to rebuild it!
Marietta: Notice how I’m not laughing.
Amy: I thought it was very funny.
Marietta: Good for you.
Amy: You look happy and healthy.
Tammy: Not me.
Amy: If y-
Marietta: I beg of you, please stop.
Amy: You’re no fun.
Marietta: I know.
Three days later, on Thanksgiving…
Marietta: Sarah, can you open the door?
Sarah: We didn’t knock yet.
Marietta: They know we’re coming, just open it.
Sarah: I don’t want to barge in, what if they’re having a private conversation?
Marietta: Sarah, I am holding a hot casserole in my hands! Open the door.
Sarah: Fine…
Marietta and Sarah walk into Patty Lynn and Martin’s house.
Kathleen: Welcome!
Marietta: Is my mother in the kitchen?
Martin: Working hard!
Patty Lynn: Is that Marietta?
Martin: It sure is!
Sarah: I’m here, too!
Marietta: Where should I put my casserole?
Kathleen: Just set it on the table.
Marietta: It’s hot, will that mess up the table?
Kathleen: I’ll grab a cooling rack from the kitchen, hold on.
Patty Lynn: I can get it.
Kathleen: You're busy with the tur-
Eliza: We’re he-ere!
Patty Lynn: Oh, Eliza!
Kathleen: She’s now completely distracted, guess I’m grabbing it after all.
Marietta: Please hurry, I am getting second-degree burns.
Kathleen: Here ya go!
Marietta: Thank you so much.
Eliza: You all look so nice! I feel so under-dressed!
Marietta: Are you kidding me? You look great!
Patty Lynn: Even if you weren’t dressed so nice, I could forgive it. You’re preparing to be sworn in as a Louisiana state representative!
Elena: Yes, we have a lot to be thankful for this year.
Eliza: Speaking of being thankful, could I use your oven then? I heated my stuffing up at home but it cooled a bit on the road. Someone insisted on leaving the window open.
Henrietta: I opened the windows for Charlotte and the twins. They were warm.
Eliza: You keep telling yourself that.
Elena: So, where’s Milton?
Sarah: Yeah, where is dad?
Martin: He’s running a bit late. Kitchen-related emergency.
Marietta: He’s making Brussels sprouts, how long could it possibly take?
Martin: I didn’t ask him what’s going on and I don’t really want to know.
Eliza: Are Kyle and Maria coming?
Marietta: Last I knew, yeah. Mom, they’re still coming, right?
Patty Lynn: Who? I can’t hear you so well in here.
Marietta: Kyle and Maria.
Patty Lynn: Yes, they’re coming! It’s going to be a great day!
Sarah: It’s always nice when grandma starts saying random inspirational phrases that don’t really fit in with the rest of what she said.
Kathleen: She’s always done that.
Martin: And she always will.
Elena: Could you turn the game on, Martin?
Martin: I don’t really care about anything other than the Saints but, if you do, sure.
Elena: It’s not Thanksgiving without getting to see the Lions lose.
Martin: They’re leading right now.
Elena: Not for long.
Marietta: Are we all sitting at the table?
Martin: The kids are sitting at the kids’ table.
Sarah: Does that include Henrietta and I?
Martin: No, you’re not kids.
Sarah: I’m only sixteen, that’s technically a kid.
Henrietta: I’m a twenty year-old mother, I’m certainly sitting at the adults’ table.
Sarah: I’m just not sure where I fall.
Martin: Do you want to sit at the kids’ table?
Sarah: No.
Martin: Then you can sit at the adults’ table.
The doorbell rings.
Marietta: Oh, maybe my son is finally here.
Milton: It’s just me!
Sarah: Dad!
Kathleen: Patty Lynn, your son is here!
Patty Lynn: I’ll be right out!
Milton: Is she going crazy yet?
Kathleen: Is she ever not?
Martin: She is not!
Patty Lynn: Is Kathleen talking smack about me again?
Kathleen: Nope!
Martin: Yup!
Kathleen: Snitches get stitches.
Milton: It’s not Thanksgiving without the threat of assault.
Marietta: We lost power last Thanksgiving, we’re gonna lose dad this Thanksgiving.
Kathleen: I’m not going to kill Martin, don’t worry. I’ll just rough him up a bit.
Patty Lynn: The turkey is done, everyone!
Milton: Ooh, got here just in time to eat!
Patty Lynn: Just give it a few minutes, Eliza needs to heat up the stuffing first.
Milton: It’s not heated?
Eliza: We went over this before you got here. It cooled too much in the car because the windows were open.
Milton: I can’t be mad. I messed up Brussels sprouts.
Marietta: Yeah, what happened with those.
Milton: You really don’t want to know.
Marietta: I’m actually extremely frightened now. Are they safe to eat?
Milton: These are.
Marieta: Okay…
Kathleen: Hey, Milton. Why isn’t Moira here?
Milton: She’s having Thanksgiving with her folks.
Kathleen: Oh, I was looking forward to her seeing this lunacy.
Milton: Maybe next year.
Sarah: Ooohhhh…
Milton: Stop that.
The doorbell rings.
Marietta: Finally, they’re here! Could someone let them in, he’s always afraid to just barge in.
Eliza: I’ll get the door.
Marietta: Thank you!
Maria: Oh, finally here.
Marietta: You look tired, honey.
Maria: It’s been quite a day.
Kyle: We got pumpkin pie!
Maria: Katharine didn’t want us to get it, but we did anyway!
Marietta: What happened?
Kyle: Maria was getting it out of the refrigerator and Katharine grabbed her leg and made her drop it.
Maria: It was so cute that I’m almost not mad at her.
Kyle: Almost.
Eliza: Stuffing’s done!
Marietta: That was fast!
Elena: I didn’t even realize you disappeared.
Eliza: That’s true love.
Patty Lynn: It’s time to eat, then!
Milton: Wait, who got the cranberry sauce?
Marietta: No one, I hope.
Martin: I have it right here.
Marietta: Damn.
Milton: I hope you got the canned stuff that takes the shape of the can. It’s not worth it otherwise.
Patty Lynn: Okay, everyone. Sit down so we can eat!
Milton: What about drinks?
Patty Lynn: Oh, I forgot! We have water, soda, apple cider, cranberry juice, whatever you want.
Marietta: Wine. I want wine.
Sarah: All right, Adele.
Marietta: Yes, Adele invented wine.
Patty Lynn: No alcohol until after dinner! I don’t want anyone getting drunk until after the carving knives are away.
Marietta: Wow, she really thinks we’re going to kill each other.
Milton: Always good to be cautious.
Ten minutes later…
Marietta: Anyone watch any good TV lately?
Milton: I was watching You, and it was so crazy because she picked up an axe and killed her neighbor.
Marietta: What are you talking about?
Milton: No, it was on You.
Marietta: You think I murdered my neighbor?
Milton: It was on a show called You!
Marietta: I’m not on TV, Milton. You’re sounding crazy.
Milton: There is a show on Netflix, it is called You! One of the main characters murdered someone!
Marietta: There’s a show called Marietta on Netflix?
Milton: Mom, start talking about something else.
Sarah: Oh thank god that’s done.
Patty Lynn: So who is excited for Black Friday?
Kathleen: Are we sure it’s still politically correct to call it that?
Sarah: This is going to be racist…
Kathleen: I’m kidding! I’m mocking the right-wingers, I’m not crazy.
Patty Lynn: Eh…
Eliza: I am staying home this Black Friday and instead shopping online. I did it last year and saved myself so much frustration.
Elena: The amount of crap that was delivered on our porch within days of Black Friday… truly mesmerizing.
Eliza: Hey, it was our best Christmas ever, was it not?
Henrietta: Sure was! I got a Nintendo Switch! I was used to getting used five year-old gaming consoles from eBay, it was quite the shakeup.
Marietta: I will also not be going Black Friday shopping, mainly for my sincere desire to continue living instead of dying via trampling.
Kathleen: That’s a solid reason.
Patty Lynn: So none of you are taking part in this country’s greatest shopping-related tradition?
Martin: We can go if you want.
Patty Lynn: I would like that.
Milton: You can get the same stuff for basically the same price in the weeks after Black Friday, all without swarms of people trying to attack you.
Patty Lynn: The attacks are what make it fun!
Marietta: I, for one, am shocked that mom is taking the insane view on something.
Patty Lynn: Speaking of insane views, how about that President Delphy? This man is trying to give the upper class a tax break just in time for Christmas.
Milton: Mom, can we table the politics talk for today? It’s Thanksgiving.
Patty Lynn: That’s the best time to talk politics! Everyone’s in the mood.
Marietta: No one is in the mood. Milton and I talk politics 24/7, we need a break.
Patty Lynn: I am in the mood! What is Kate trying to do about it?
Milton: She’s doing plenty to fight it, mom.
Marietta: Don’t engage, Milton.
Patty Lynn: “Don engage?” I’m his mother, he can talk to me about anything he wants.
Milton: I promise you, I don’t want to talk about it.
Patty Lynn: You guys are no fun. Let’s talk about DeDe Ducovney going to Arizona for the “border crisis” an-
Marietta: Mother, if your’e going to keep talking, I’m going to leave.
Patty Lynn: Come on, no you won’t! Where would you go?
Marietta: Tammy’s having something at my house. I’ll go there. Anyone care to join me?
Eliza: I’m good, but thanks. I sort of find her rants charming.
Marietta: Milton?
Milton: Let me clean my plate off first and I’m going. Sarah, get ready.
Sarah: Y’all are being really overdramatic.
Milton: We’re being appropriately dramatic.
Patty Lynn: If you want to go, then go. You can’t come back if you do go, though. That’s just not how it works.
Marietta: Kyle, you coming?
Kyle: Don’t get me wrong, I want to see aunt Tammy, but I was so looking forward to Thanksgiving with grandma.
Maria: It’s true, he was.
Kyle: We’re gonna stay.
Marietta: Perfectly fine. You two have a blessed Thanksgiving. The rest of you as well. See you soon!
Milton: Okay, finished my turkey. Let’s go.
Fifteen minutes later, at Tammy and Mitch’s, Marietta knocks on the door.
Mitch: Do my eyes deceive me? What are the Three Anti-Musketeers doing here?
Marietta: Your eyes don’t deceive you, Mitch. We’re Thanksgiving orphans.
Mitch: Come on in, we have plenty of food.
Tammy: Who is it, Mitch?
Mitch: Marietta and Milton!
Sarah: And Sarah!
Tammy: Oh, what are you guys doing here?
Marietta: We’ll explain everything.
Sarah: I’m still hungry though, so maybe we can get some food first?
Milton: Sarah!
Sarah: What? He offered!
Marietta, Milton and Sarah walk into the dining room.
Marietta: Aww, your Thanksgiving decorations are so cute! It’s so festive!
Tammy: Thank you, I spent a solid twenty minutes putting it all out.
Mitch: We really have a lot of food, you guys can eat a lot more than that. We’ll never finish it.
Marietta: I can’t believe all this food!
Tammy: We were expecting the kids to come and visit but the plans fell through.
Marietta: Why didn’t you tell me about that?
Tammy: If I put it into words, I’d really get my hopes up. Things like this have fallen through in the past, it still stings, though.
Mitch: We’ve got each other, and that’s a lot for love!
Tammy: Very true, Jon Bon Jovi.
Marietta: The turkey’s great, Mitch. And, if I might add, I’m very thrilled to see that you did didn’t burn the house down.
Mitch: Why would I burn the house down?
Marietta: I’ve seen the deep fry fails on YouTube.
Mitch: Those people aren’t as experienced as I.
Tammy: Experienced? That’s hilarious!
Milton: You two are too funny.
Tammy: Yes, funny. That’s what we are.
Milton: I don’t mean to be rude, but do you have cranberry sauce?
Tammy: No, I loathe the stuff.
Marietta: You don’t miss, Tammy.
Tammy: I do miss my kids, though…
Mitch: Oh, Tammy. Try to cheer up. Our friends are here to celebrate with us, the parade is airing a repeat for some reason, we have a ceramic turkey on the hutch behind us. Life is good!
Thirty minutes later…
Marietta: Wow, that was… a lot.
Mitch: When I said we had a lot of food for you to eat, you took it literally. I appreciate it. Less to clean up.
Milton: Happy to help!
Sarah: I feel dead.
There is a knock at the door.
Mitch: We’re popular today!
Tammy: It’s probably carolers.
Mitch: On Thanksgiving?
Tammy: Could be!
Milton: It’s much worse…
Tammy: I’ll get it.
Marietta: Please do not.
Tammy opens the door.
Patty Lynn: Tammy! Are they here?
Carol: They are. I’ll take you to them.
Marietta: Yaaaayyy…
Patty Lynn and Tammy walk to the dining room.
Patty Lynn: Can we talk, kids?
Marietta: I guess.
Sarah: Can I come?
Patty Lynn: No, sweetheart.
Sarah: That’s ageist.
Patty Lynn, Marietta and Milton walk into the hallway.
Patty Lynn: Wow, the house looks so different.
Marietta: Mom, focus.
Patty Lynn: Oh, sorry. Kids, I am so sorry for going overboard and then getting mad. I didn’t mean to ruin your Thanksgiving.
Marietta: I got a bit too annoyed, too. I should’ve just ignored it and it would’ve all been over soon enough.
Milton: I was following Marietta’s lead. I should never do that.
Marietta: Milton!
Milton: I’m sorry, mom.
Patty Lynn: So are we good? We can go back to our house and celebrate?
Marietta: Are we invited?
Patty Lynn: Obviously!
Marietta: I’m only pulling your leg.
Milton: What about Tammy?
Marietta: What about her?
Milton: She’s already sad her kids didn’t come, I don’t want to abandon her, too.
Marietta: Let’s just ask her to come!
Patty Lynn: That would be great!
Patty Lynn, Marietta and Milton walk back to the dining room.
Marietta: We’re going to get going, but we have a question for you first.
Tammy: What’s that/
Marietta: We want you to come back with us to mom and dad’s. Dinner’s done, so you can just worry about celebrating and having a good time.
Tammy: Mitch?
Mitch: I think that’d be great, thank you so much for asking.
Patty Lynn: It’s no problem!
Tammy: I’ll grab the pies for dessert!
Marietta: Another Landfield Family Thanksgiving in the books!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
