Tammy and Amy are talking at Tammy’s desk when Marietta rushes into City Hall.
Amy: You have quite the pep in your step on this Thursday morning. What’s that about?
Marietta: Can’t I just be happy for no apparent reason?
Tammy: In our experience, no.
Marietta: I think I’m a very positive person!
Tammy: So-so.
Marietta: You two love giving me a hard time.
Amy: It’s such fun.
Tammy: Is there really no reason you’re in such a good mood today?
Marietta: Oh, there is. Kyle and Maria are coming to family dinner this weekend.
Tammy: It’s quite funny how it’s big news for you to get to have dinner with your own son, but I guess they are quite busy with the baby.
Marietta: I know the same thing happened to you when your kids had kids. You complained about it all the time.
Tammy: Me? Complaining?
Amy: It is hard to imagine.
Marietta: Anyway, Tammy, I know you come every week, but I wanted to know if you also wanted to come, Amy. It’ll be a nice night.
Amy: I don’t have anything else going on, sure.
Marietta: We’re going to have so much fun!
Amy: We’re at work, we don’t talk about fun here. This is where fun goes to die.
Marietta: We have fun! Look at our little Christmas tree! We’re fun!
Amy: There’s nothing even on the tree. It’s bare.
Marietta: I haven’t had time to decorate it.
Amy: It’s not like you’ve been busy.
Marietta: What is this, “Pick on Marietta Day?”
Amy: Yes, and it’s my favorite holiday.
Marietta: I’m so glad to have friends like the two of you.
Tammy: You’re so lucky to have us!
Amy: Well, she’s lucky to have me.
Two days later…
Patty Lynn: Amy, you’re here early!
Amy: Am I the first one here?
Milton: I’m here!
Amy: I’m glad someone else is punctual.
Milton: Not intentionally. I just got the time wrong.
Kathleen: I believe you, since no one would ever voluntarily show up here before they were expected.
Martin: You showed up here when you weren’t expected at all and you haven’t left since.
Kathleen: If you want me to leave, I can!
Patty Lynn: No… don’t…
Milton: I just heard a car pull up!
Amy: It’s not yet six, so we have at least fifteen minutes until Marietta would be getting here. It must be Tammy.
Milton: It could be Kyle and Maria.
Kathleen: Kyle was raised by Marietta. If they are here now, it’s because of Maria.
There is a knock at the door.
Patty Lynn: Are you all just going to stand there staring at it, or will someone open it?
Milton: I’ll get it, dear!
Patty Lynn: I can always count on you! And only you.
Milton: What about me?
Patty Lynn: You’re too busy listening to cars. I love you, though.
Martin: Come on in!
Marietta: Wow, it feels nice to be early!
Kathleen: Marietta is early? I’m about to go into cardiac arrest.
Sarah: She had to rush me this time! She’s very excited.
Marietta: It’s a fun family day! I love a fun family day! Also…
Milton: This should be good.
Marietta: Kyle said he has something exciting to tell us. I think they finally found a house!
Sarah: That’s why you’re so excited? I thought something huge was happening or something.
Marietta: That is huge! They’ve been living in a little apartment for years, it’ll be so nice to see them move into a place that’s big enough for their family.
Milton: Why didn’t you just let them move into your place?
Marietta: Why do you hate Tammy so much?
Milton: Huh?
Marietta: I’d have to kick Tammy out of my place to let Kyle move in. Come on, use your head.
Milton: I’m asking why you didn’t ask Kyle if he wanted to stay at your place before you asked Tammy.
Marietta: I asked him years ago, and he said no. He wants to make it on his own.
Kathleen: That’s quite admirable.
Patty Lynn: Sure is…
Kathleen: Why are you looking at me like that?
Patty Lynn: Oh, no reason.
Kathleen: Martin, she’s scaring me.
Martin: You should be scared.
There is a knock at the door.
Marietta: Maybe that’s Kyle!
Patty Lynn: I might as well get that while I’m up.
Patty Lynn opens the door.
Tammy: Hello, everyone!
Sarah: Ah man, it’s just the former President and First Lady of the United States. Nothing special about that!
Mitch: You guys do make me feel that way, and I love it. I’m no one special, just part of the group. Everyone else always makes me feel awkward when they faun all over me.
Tammy: We know, Mitch, you’re a relatable guy. Who just so happened to once have the nuclear launch codes
Mitch: Thank you, it’s nice to be heard.
Marietta: I’m just waiting for Kyle to fina-
Kyle: Sorry we’re late, everyone!
Milton: Well, you didn’t have to wait long, Marietta!
Amy: I’m assuming Kyle inherited Marietta’s uncanny ability to never be on time.
Maria: I haven’t been feeling too well today, that’s why we were late. We only got here as soon as we dig because Kyle got Katharine ready.
Kathleen: My namesake looks so cute today in her little sweater!
Kyle: She isn’t named after you, aunt Kathleen.
Patty Lynn: Ha!
Martin: I hope you’re feeling better, Maria.
Maria: I’m feeling well enough to come here and eat, not 100% though. I’ll get through it.
Kyle: Just give her a couple months and she’ll be good as new!
Marietta: I highly doubt it’ll take anywhere near that long. Just get her some rest and she’ll be good as new in a few days.
Patty Lynn: Dinner’s ready!
Marietta: That should help you feel better! Mom’s cooking always makes me feel better.
Milton: Did you just say something nice about mom? Are you okay?
Sarah: She isn’t always miserable. Just around you.
Milton: That actually sounds about right.
Twenty minutes later…
Mitch: A question just popped into my mind - what is Amy doing here?
Amy: You’re quite the charmer.
Mitch: I’m just wondering! You rarely come to these dinners.
Amy: Kyle doesn’t come either and you’re not asking about him.
Mitch: He’s in their family, though.
Amy: And you are?
Martin: Everyone in this room is family.
Kyle: I actually want to talk a bit about family.
Marietta: One second, dear. Amy and Mitch fighting is extremely entertaining.
Sarah: I agree with Marietta.
Patty Lynn: Aunt Marietta! Respect your elders!
Marietta: Mom, I really don’t mind. her just using my first name.
Patty Lynn: I do!
Marietta: I tried, Sarah.
Kyle: Can I share now?
Maria: Honey, I think I’m getting sick again. I need to use the bathroom.
Patty Lynn: Oh, you never said it was a stomach problem! I would've gotten you something to eat other than shrimp gumbo. That spice will upset any stomach, especially when your stomach is already upset.
Maria: It’s not your fault, don’t feel bad. Now, I gotta go. I’m sorry, the food’s incredible
Kyle: I’m going to go with. I don’t want her to suffer alone.
Patty Lynn: I think that’s so sweet.
Sarah: It’s so gross.
Milton: Love is not gross!
Sarah: Speaking of love, where’s Moira?
Amy: That’s a good question. I haven’t seen her in a while.
Marietta: Milton let another one go. What a shock!
Milton: I did not! She’s just busy this weekend. We don’t spend every second together.
Marietta: But you can only see her two days a week so as it is. You should be enjoying that time together.
Milton: We spend plenty of time together!
Sarah: It’s true, they do. It makes me sick.
Martin: Can we stop grilling Milton? He’s clearly uncomfortable. Just let him eat!
Amy: I was uncomfortable earlier, but Marietta reveled in that.
Tammy: I am uncomfortable so often. Mainly because I’m in the middle of it all.
Kathleen: Are we allowed to continue eating while they’re away?
Patty Lynn: Kathleen, she’s in there puking her guts out. What do you think?
Kathleen: I cautiously think yes, it’s okay to keep eating.
Patty Lynn: That is so rude!
Martin: It’s not like she’ll be out and ready to eat any time…
Kathleen: Thank you, Martin!
Patty Lynn: Fine, eat if you want. I won’t. I respect my guests.
Ten minutes later…
Sarah: Should I collect the dishes?
Patty Lynn: I’m not ready to wash them. I’m still waiting for them to come out.
Kathleen: Your food must be cold as ice.
Sarah: I can just put the dishes in the dishwasher.
Patty Lynn: You want to put my good dishes in the dishwasher? Are you serious?
Sarah: What’s wrong with that?
Marietta: Stop right now unless you want a long rant about dishwashers.
Sarah: I listened to the president rant about toilets, I can listen to grandma rant about dishwashers.
Marietta: Don’t compare the two.
Kathleen: Yeah, your grandmother is far more insane than the president.
Maria: I’m so sorry about that, guys. I didn’t think I was that sick anymore. I didn’t mean to ruin dinner.
Patty Lynn: Ruin? You didn’t ruin anything.
Kathleen: She let her food get cold for you, so if she’s saying you didn’t ruing dinner, believe her.
Maria: Kyle, I think we should tell them.
Patty Lynn: Tell us what? Are you more sick than you let on? Is it cancer? Oh, lord, please no!
Kyle: Grandma, calm down. No one is dying.
Patty Lynn: So it’s treatable!
Milton: Mom! You’re not helping!
Martin: Let them talk, Patty Lynn.
Maria: Can we go in the living room?
Marietta: I know what it is and I am so excited./
Patty Lynn: Why are you excited for her to be sick? That’s horrifying! I raised you better than that!
Marietta: Mom, let’s let them talk.
Kathleen: I hope it’s not divorce, but if it is, I have tips for both of you.
Martin: We know you’re quite experienced in that arena.
Kathleen: How very dare you?
Martin: It’s true! Even you said it.
Milton: You’re digging yourself into a hole.
Martin: I know.
Maria: Is everyone in the living room?
Mitch: Is there enough room for us to all sit?
Tammy: Yes, now sit your ass down and listen. I know it’s hard for you, but just try.
Amy: Wow! She’s pissed.
Mitch: I don’t know why!
Tammy: I’m tired of hearing complaining! From all of you! Just let them talk!
Milton: I think that’s wise advice.
Kyle: So everyone’s in here now?
Marietta: Yes, we are ready for story time!
Kyle: Go ahead, honey. You can start.
Maria: We have some really exci-
Patty Lynn: I feel like Eliza should be here for this. It seems important.
Milton: Mom, shut up!
Patty Lynn: Sorry…
Maria: We have exciting news to share. We wanted to wait until we seemed to be out of the clear, but -
Marietta: You bought a house! I can’t wait to see it! I need pictures!
Kyle: Um…
Marietta: Did I spoil the surprise?
Martin: They look sad.
Milton: I haven’t seen someone that sad since I told Ellie that I don’t watch Ballers.
Maria: We did not buy a house.
Marietta: I’m sorry! I really thought it was that!
Maria: It’s understandable, we’ve been talking about it for a while.
Kyle: If it helps, our actual news is far more exciting. Like, far, far more.
Maria: This isn’t expected, I know, but we’ve been thinking about it for a while and it finally came to fruition. We’re going to have another baby.
Patty Lynn: Oh my god!
Marietta: Let me clarify before hyperventilating: you are currently pregnant, right? You’r not just announcing that you’re trying to have another baby?
Maria: Yes, I’m pregnant! Three months along.
Marietta: This is amazing!
Milton: Does Katharine know?
Marietta: Milton, she’s right here. How could she not know?
Milton: I didn’t realize!
Kyle: We told her right before we came over. I don’t know if she quite understands what’s going on, but she seems excited.
Patty Lynn: I’m very excited about this, but I’m also thrilled to know that my cooking isn’t what made you throw up!
Maria: I think it did upset my stomach a bit, but I’m not mad about it. I knew the risks.
Marietta: I knew there was a good reason you were coming over!
Milton: You thought they were buying a house.
Marietta: I was close!
Milton: Were you?
Amy: She was not.
Martin: So, how did you decide to try for another? You never mentioned it to any of us.
Kyle: We didn’t want too long of a gap between kids. We figured a couple years was ideal, especially since we might want another down the line.
Maria: This one was planned but also wasn’t, if you know what I mean. We were tailing about it, but didn’t decide for sure, and then it happened and we know that’s how it was meant to go.
Patty Lynn: It’s a blessing from God. This baby was meant to come into our lives at this time.
Kyle: Be the way, we’re going to call Eliza about it next. I didn’t want to invite her here without asking you first.
Patty Lynn: Invite anyone you want! There’s always room at grandma’s!
Marietta: Take it from me: don’t give him that option. Next thing you know, he’ll be inviting a girl over every single day to hang out.
Maria: I think that worked out pretty well, don’t you think?
Marietta: I would say so!
Sarah: I think I need to go do the dishes.
Patty Lynn: Remember, no dishwasher!
Kathleen: These three still haven’t finished dinner.
Patty Lynn: Darn! I knew I was forgetting something.
Kyle: Let’s go eat together, the four of us.
Maria: Honey, that was so corny.
Kyle: I know, I felt bad about it the second it came out of my mouth.
Maria: At least you know, that’s what’s important.
Marietta: I already have the perfect family Halloween costume planned out for all of us next year.
Kyle: Mom… one step at a time.
Marietta: Sorry, sorry.
Kyle: That’s something I’d expect from grandma.
Patty Lynn: You’re more like me every day!
Marietta: I’ve never been more frightened.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
