Claude: Olivia, what are you wearing?
Olivia: My Liverpool FC jacket. Why do you ask?
Claude: I invited you to watch the Crystal Palace game because I assumed that, like the rest of the family, that was the club you supported.
Olivia: What gave you that impression?
Claude: You used to support them!
Olivia: Times change.
Claude: Is Fred a Crystal Palace supporter? That would be such a tremendous disappointment.
Olivia: My son-in-law got me into Crystal Palace. He used to play for them.
Claude: Oh… lord.
Olivia: What about it?
Christine: Nothing! He’s just very excited for the match!
Olivia: Are you sure? He looks depressed.
Christine: That’s just his face.
Olivia: You’re right.
Claude: Hey!
Olivia: So there is something wrong?
Claude: Nope, nothing. I have… how do you say “resting bitch face.”
Olivia: Did Claire teach you that one?
Claude: She did!
Olivia: I am so grateful for her.
Thirty minutes later…
Claude: You know, Olivia, we’re going to beat you.
Olivia: We? I don’t see you out on that football field. Thank god, too. You’d break something.
Christine: Probably his hip.
Claude: Either way, Crystal Palace is taking this win. There’s nothing you can do to stop it!
Olivia: Wanna bet?
Claude: Hundred pounds.
Olivia: I’ll take that bet.
Christine: This just better not lead to fighting between the two of you. Whoever loses has to lose gracefully. It’s extremely annoying when you two fight.
Claude: We’ll try not to annoy you, dear.
Christine: Thank you, that’s all I ask.
Olivia: Well, I wouldn’t want to go against you, not when you asked so kindly.
Christine: I really appreciate that.
Claude: I think she was being facetious.
Christine: I realize that. I was giving her a bit of her own medicine.
Thirty minutes later…
Stadium announcer: Look at that, it’s a goal for Crystal Palace! We can see out in the audience, one of their most prominent fans is cheering on his team. It’s The Princes of Wales!
Claude: Woo-hoo! Yeah!
Stadium announcer: Give it up for Prince Claude, everybody!
The crowd cheers for Claude.
Olivia: You don’t have to rub it in, Claude.
One hour later…
Claude: Looks like a blowout, Olivia! Four to zero!
Olivia: Just take my money. I don’t want to talk about it.
Claude: I know you don’t take well to losing.
Olivia: I said I don’t want to talk about it!
Christine: You promised not to fight.
Olivia: You knew damn well that that was a lie.
Christine: I did.
Claude: Well, this was quite a nice day spent with family, now I think it’s time to get home.
Olivia: I agree. I need to get out of here before I do something I regret. Please, don’t tell me where your car is.
Claude: Why?
Olivia: Well, I have my keys in my hand right now.
Claude: Enough said.
The next morning, Olivia gets a call from Gigi.
Olivia: Gigi, it is nine in the morning. I can’t believe you’re awake!
Gigi: I may sleep in a little, but it’s not that bad.
Olivia: Just a joke.
Gigi: You’re not going to want to joke when I tell you this.
Olivia: You could just not tell me then. Let’s talk about something else. Have you heard the new Adele song?
Gigi: Mother…
Olivia: Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.
Gigi: Don’t try to avoid bad news like you’re a child.
Fred: Oh, god! Liv, look at this!
Gigi: Do not listen to him, I want to tell you!
Olivia: Tell me what?/
Gigi: Well, I’m looking at The Daily Telegraph and you’re on the front page.
Olivia: I am quite the model.
Gigi: “Jealousy, Jealousy: Resentful Princess Royal Watches in Horror as Crowd Cheers on Brother Claude.”
Fred: The Guardian is a bit different! It says “Liv-ing for Power? Is The Princess Royal Upset at Brother’s More Important Role in Family?” The Daily Mail -
Gigi: You get The Daily Mail? Fred!
Fred: I keep trying to cancel, they won’t let me!
Gigi: Don’t bring it in the house, at least. Toss it in the bin out back.
Fred: Anyway, the Daily Mail says “Royal Rift?: Why is the Princess Royal So Upset as Crowd Cheers on Brother?” Not great!
Gigi: Mother, you’ve ben quite quiet.
Olivia: You’re both just getting used to me being in the spotlight again. I dealt with the press being negative like this for years before I dropped into obscurity. This doesn’t shock me. They’re animals. Any time they see a chance to point out some problem within this family, they jump at it.
Gigi: But mother! They’re calling you some sort of power-craving jealous maniac.
Olivia: I’ve been called worse. One of the papers once got a picture of Fred and I back when we first got together and ran it with the headline “Slut Up or Shut Up.”
Gigi: That’s awful!
Olivia: I can’t believe neither or you remember it, to be honest.
Fred: I was more worried about the ire from your family than from the press.
Gigi: I was probably busy getting high.
Olivia: You did do that a lot.
Gigi: Oh, if you only knew.
Olivia: We’re going to circle back to that.
Fred: So, you’re saying you don’t care at all about the headlines?
Olivia: Why would I? I am confident enough in myself to not let other peoples’ opinions of me shape who I am. I know I’m not hungry for power or jealous of Claude. I have no need to worry about this or address it in any way. Now, back to morning tea.
Meanwhile, at Buckingham Palace…
Eleanor: Claude, it’s terribly early. What is concerning you so much that you needed to meet with me alone on this Sunday morning?
Claude: Mother, it’s nine in the morning. Are you not usually awake by now?
Eleanor: I am, but I’m not usually ready for visitors so early. I sleep in a half-hour late on Sundays.
Claude: Oh. Well, I can assure you that this is extremely important and worth the meeting.
Eleanor: Lay it on me.
Ethan: Mother -
Eleanor: Ethan, what are you doing here?
Ethan: Well, I do live on the grounds.
Claude: We’re a little busy, Ethan.
Ethan: I don’t mean to intrude. I’ll step out.
Claude: Wait right outside, don’t go wandering off. It really won’t be long at all. Just five minutes and I’ll be done. I promise.
Ethan leaves.
Eleanor: Well, that was weird.
Claude: Yeah… Anyway, I saw newspapers discussing Olivia. They had pictures of her at our game yesterday and she looks disgusted in her very Olivia way.
Eleanor: That’s just her face.
Claude: That’s what I told myself, as well. However, the headlines did make some sense.
Eleanor: And they were?
Claude: They said she wants power and that she’s jealous of me.
Eleanor: Jealous of you?
Claude: Don’t laugh!
Eleanor: It’s a bit funny! She always mocks you unrelentingly. I don’t think she’s yearning to be you.
Claude: That’s hurtful.
Eleanor: Olivia is a hurtful person.
Claude: You’re the one who said it!
Eleanor: That’s not the point.
Claude: What is the point, exactly?
Eleanor: I think it’s never wise to let the press get into your head. They make things up all the time just to get people to buy their papers. We’re easy targets, especially when they can run stories about us fighting.
Claude: Think about it, though. I’m going to be king -
Eleanor: We’ll see about that.
Claude: You’ve already decided that you’re abdicating.
Eleanor: Haven’t announced it to the public. Can change my mind at any time.
Claude: I’m going to be king. She’s never going to be queen. She can only go down from here. When you abdicate, she’ goes from being “the Queen’s daughter” to “the King’s sister,” and that’s not nearly as prestigious. What it that’s weighing on her mind? What if she resents me for it? The look on her face was pure disgust.
Eleanor: I think she’s a person who had to watch her preferred football team get destroyed. She was upset about that, not you getting attention or becoming king soon.
Claude: You truly believe that it’s nothing?
Eleanor: I truly do.
Claude: Then I will carry on and won’t bring it up to Olivia. If that’s what you sincerely believe.
Eleanor: It is.
Claude: Do you consider this conversation to have been a waste of your time?
Eleanor: No, I always love getting to see you! I’d have preferred if it were a few hours from now, but you can’t always get what you want.
Claude: Should I tell Ethan to come in?
Eleanor: I guess.
Ethan: I heard that.
Eleanor: Ethan, lovely to see you. What’s on your mind?
Ethan: I’m actually here to agree with Claude.
Claude: Wow, that’s not something I hear every day.
Eleanor: You’re here for what?
Ethan: I came here today because of the newspaper headlines, too.
Claude: Wait, how did you know what I was saying?
Ethan: You told me to wait right outside the door. The door’s not soundproof.
Claude: I did do that, didn’t I?
Eleanor: Ethan, what is it about the headlines? You agree with them?
Ethan: Well… yeah. I can definitely see how Olivia might potentially be jealous of Claude. He’s about to be king and he’s getting all of this adoration from people. She’s not getting either.
Eleanor: People like your sister just fine.
Ethan: She doesn’t get stadiums full of people cheering for her. That can mess with a person’s head.
Eleanor: Not mine.
Ethan: That’s because you’re always the one people are cheering for. You’re the queen, you’re not second-best to anyone.
Eleanor: Do the two of you want me to organize a meeting with Olivia to address this?
Ethan: I think that would be wise. Get ahead of the problem before it becomes a major one.
Eleanor: Okay, I will phone her and have her drive two hours out of her way, four hours round-trip, for us to have this conversation.
Claude: Sounds good. Thanks for the help, mum.
Eleanor: Any time…
Three days later…
Olivia: So, why do I have the pleasure of being invited to Buckingham today?
Eleanor: Your brothers -
Olivia: Enough said. What’s wrong now?
Claude: We think that you’re jealous of me.
Olivia bursts into laughter.
Claude: That’s just mean.
Olivia: Come on, Claude, use your head! Why would I be jealous of you?
Todd: Can I just interject?
Gigi: No.
Todd: I’m so happy you all invited me for this meeting! I was so hurt to be excluded from the Halloween crisis meeting, but you tho-
Olivia: Okay, that’s enough, Todd. You’re just distracting us from the conversation now.
Todd: Still, an honor to b-
Claude: You have plenty of reasons to be jealous of me! I’m going to be king in a few months and whole crowds of people cheer me on wherever I go. You’ve always sort of resented me to begin with.
Olivia: I’ve what?
Claude: We’ve had a tepid relationship sometimes. You know that.
Olivia: The only time our relationship was ever “tepid” was when you couldn’t accept my marriage. We’re over that now, and therefore, the relationship is fine. I don’t resent you, and I’m not jealous. I can’t believe you’re letting these tabloids get to your head.
Claude: They raise a good point. Those pictures in the papers, who look completely repulsed by me.
Olivia: No, I was repulsed by Crystal Palace scoring another point.
Claude: This isn’t the only time I’ve noticed you acting strange towards me. Is it because you want the power that I have?
Olivia: Claude, I walked away from any “power” this family held. I stayed away for twenty years. I can live without the “power.” I don’t resent any of you, I’m not hungry for power.
Ethan: I have noticed that you act differently towards Claude than you act towards me?
Olivia: Because Claude and I have a different relationship than you and I have.
Ethan: What do you mean by that?
Olivia: Claude is my older brother, and I have a more serious relationship with him because of that.
Claude: How you act towards me is how you act when you’re trying to be serious?
Olivia: Very funny.
Eleanor: I told you both that Olivia isn’t jealous and that this was ridiculous. Now we’ve just wasted everyone’s time.
Todd: Not mine! I’m just gl-
Gigi: We know! You’re glad to be here. Shut up!
Claude: Just so I can be entirely satisfied with this: Olivia, you are really, truthfully, completely fine with me? You’re not jealous, you’re not out to get my power, you don’t resent me?
Olivia: No, you idiot.
Claude: See, answering it in that way does sort of sent a mixed message.
Olivia: I’m perfectly content with my life just the way it is. I’m a lot better off than most people, I have nothing to complain about.
Claude: So when I become king, you’re not going to be jealous of that?
Olivia: Do I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be queen? Sure, who doesn’t?
Gigi: I don’t.
Olivia: Yeah, but you weren’t two years away from actually getting to become queen like me.
Gigi: That is true.
Olivia: So, anyway, sure, I do occasionally wonder what it would be like to be queen. But I know I never will be, and I’ve made peace with that. I’m not ever going to let that get in the way of our family.
Claude: So we’re good?
Olivia: If you promise me one thing.
Claude: What’s that?
Olivia: You will never call me to London ever again because of something The Daily Mail put in your head!
Claude: You have my word.
Eleanor: Okay, this was very unnecessary. Who wants sandwiches?
Ethan: I’m just glad Arthur and Claire didn’t cancel their plans to be here for this.
Eleanor: But do you want sandwiches?
Ethan: Sure, why not?
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
