STATION MARKET HH RATINGS (+/- LAST WEEK)
RSN Los Angeles: 7.2 (+0.2)
RSN Indianapolis: 6.1 (+0.1)
RSN Anchorage: 1.1 (+1.0)
RSN Santa Fe: 0.8 (=)
RSN Bridgeport: 0.2 (=)
SETTING: RSN corporate office. BENNY, the newly reinstated CEO, has called a team meeting with all the station liaisons: SASHA, the liaison for RSN Santa Fe; KYLIE, for RSN Los Angeles; NICOLE, for Indianapolis; and BLAKE, for Bridgeport. Also present are DEVIN, BENNY’s new assistant, and TREVOR, a former liaison who no longer has an affiliate. AUSTIN, the liaison to RSN Anchorage, is at his cubicle and on a phone call with the station manager.
BENNY
Thank you all for coming.
BLAKE
You called a meeting.
BENNY
I didn’t expect 100% attendance.
TREVOR
Is that a dig at me?
BENNY
No. You guys never listened to me by the end of my previous tenure.
BLAKE
That’s because everything was going to hell.
SASHA
And what’s this?
BLAKE
I mean it still is, we’re just used to it now.
BENNY
Alright enough of this, can anyone guess why I called this meeting?
BENNY’s question is met with complete silence.
BENNY
Fine, I guess I’ll have to say it. I ran the math and…RSN can’t survive with just five affiliates.
TREVOR INTERVIEW
Five affiliates. Alright. So I think Benny might know that I do nothing here. Or at least, that one of us isn’t doing anything.
SASHA
So what’s your big plan?
BENNY
Get a sixth affiliate! I had Devin over here look into potential cities. Devin, what’d you come up with?
DEVIN
I’m afraid not a whole lot, boss.
BENNY
You’re telling me there are no places RSN can expand to?
DEVIN
There are plenty of markets. RSN already had to exit them though.
SASHA
Benny, I think we should just focus on what we have right now.
KYLIE
Yeah, really only two of our stations are doing good as it is. Los Angeles doing the best, of course.
KYLIE INTERVIEW
7.1 Household rating. I try not to brag about it since most everyone else can’t break a 1.
BENNY
We have to expand. It’s our only path forward.
SASHA
The Santa Fe Primitives will be on RSN Santa Fe soon. That should help us out.
BENNY
But not enough.
BLAKE
Bridgeport’s getting a women’s baseball team soon.
BENNY
Oh come on, like that’ll mean anything.
NICOLE
Face it Benny, most of our markets are doing terrible as it is. You’ve seen the ratings.
BENNY looks at NICOLE blankly.
NICOLE
I said you’ve seen the ratings.
BENNY keeps looking at NICOLE.
NICOLE
Oh my God…you’ve seen the ratings, right?
BENNY
Of course I’ve seen the ratings, how else would I have done the math!
KYLIE
You’re lying.
BENNY
Am not!
KYLIE
What are the ratings then?
BENNY
Uh…
KYLIE
Come on, what are the average Household ratings by each affiliate last week?
Right then, AUSTIN comes running in. BENNY looks relieved.
AUSTIN
Guys, you won’t believe this!
KYLIE
I probably will.
AUSTIN
No you won’t. Anchorage has a new fishing show and it’s doing great for them! Anchorage is back!
BENNY
How good are we talking?
AUSTIN
Like, as good as broadcast television. It’s buoyed us to a 1.1 Household rating last week.
SASHA
1.1?!?!?!
SASHA INTERVIEW
Santa Fe can’t be losing to Anchorage. Even Austin’s been saying it’s a worthless station.
BENNY
Is that good? Someone help me out.
AUSTIN
It’s good for Anchorage. We were doing 0.1s for months!
BENNY INTERVIEW
Prior management gained infamy for shutting down underperforming stations. Guess they missed one.
NICOLE
You know what, I’m happy for you, Austin. Maybe one day you’ll be close to my level.
AUSTIN
Yeah, one day real soon.
BENNY
Say, Austin…do other people fish or is it just in Alaska?
AUSTIN
Seriously?
BENNY
I think it’s a good question.
AUSTIN
If I must answer, Alaska is really into fishing but there are other places too.
BENNY
Like?
AUSTIN
Uh…Honolulu, Key West—
BENNY
Say no more.
SASHA
You really want an affiliate in one of those places?
BENNY
I don’t know, but I don’t need information overload!
AUSTIN
Affiliate? Fishing should be Anchorage’s thing!
BENNY
It still can be. But it’s gonna be Honolulu’s thing too! Or Key West’s.
SASHA
This is a terrible idea Benny. We need to focus on the Santa Fe Primitives!
BLAKE
Don’t forget launching Bridgeport!
BENNY
Eh, maybe you’re right. But I know there’s one more of you than there are affiliates.
TREVOR
What, no there’s not.
BENNY
There won’t be soon. Either we start up a sixth affiliate, or one of you is gone.
TREVOR
Fine, sixth affiliate! Just don’t make it Key West, anything but Key West.
TREVOR INTERVIEW
I’ve been to Key West once. Never again. It was awful, all people wanted to do was fish.
BENNY
Honolulu it is. I can picture it now: RSN Hawaii.
DEVIN
I hate to break this to you guys, but there’s already a pretty big regional sports network in Honolulu. And they have fishing. RSN would never be able to do well in that market.
BENNY
Crap. Well, Key West it is then!
TREVOR
I’m up for the challenge!
SASHA
What about a staff, how are you gonna get a staff together to work in Key West?
NICOLE
And a station. Have you even started an affiliate before?
BENNY
Well…no.
AUSTIN
Can we just agree to stick to what we have?
BENNY
What we have isn’t enough.
AUSTIN
We can build it up. Focus on fishing in Anchorage, baseball in Santa Fe, and…I don’t know something in Bridgeport and before you know it we’ll have five strong stations going. Then we can relaunch a sixth.
BENNY pauses.
BENNY
As leader, I value your opinion, I’ve listened to what you have been saying and decided to divert to Austin’s valued suggestion. Good, productive meeting everyone. Trevor, I’ll see you in my office soon.
AUSTIN, SASHA, KYLIE, TREVOR, BLAKE, and NICOLE exit the conference room and return to their cubicles.
BENNY INTERVIEW
What can I say, I’m a good listener. I may have failed to sway them with the sixth affiliate, but…one day I will.
TREVOR
I’m not really in danger of getting fired, right?
KYLIE
Probably. Better make yourself useful soon because Benny’s on to you.
TREVOR
Can I help you out with LA?
KYLIE
I don’t need any help.
TREVOR
My job’s on the line!
KYLIE
You can pretend to help for now. But you can’t actually do anything.
TREVOR
Come on, give me something!
KYLIE sighs.
KYLIE
Fine. I have a call to do with the station soon. You can listen in and take notes for me.
TREVOR
Deal! I won’t let you down.
KYLIE
There’s literally nothing you can do to screw this up.
KYLIE INTERVIEW
There’s something nice about job security. If only the others were able to experience the same feeling.