RSN Season 1 Episode 3: Anchorage Goes Fishing for Ratings


STATION MARKET HH RATINGS (+/- LAST WEEK)

RSN Los Angeles: 7.2 (+0.2)

RSN Indianapolis: 6.1 (+0.1)

RSN Anchorage: 1.1 (+1.0)

RSN Santa Fe: 0.8 (=)

RSN Bridgeport: 0.2 (=)


SETTING: RSN corporate office. BENNY, the newly reinstated CEO, has called a team meeting with all the station liaisons: SASHA, the liaison for RSN Santa Fe; KYLIE, for RSN Los Angeles; NICOLE, for Indianapolis; and BLAKE, for Bridgeport. Also present are DEVIN, BENNY’s new assistant, and TREVOR, a former liaison who no longer has an affiliate. AUSTIN, the liaison to RSN Anchorage, is at his cubicle and on a phone call with the station manager.


BENNY

Thank you all for coming.


BLAKE

You called a meeting.


BENNY

I didn’t expect 100% attendance. 


TREVOR

Is that a dig at me?


BENNY

No. You guys never listened to me by the end of my previous tenure.


BLAKE

That’s because everything was going to hell.


SASHA

And what’s this?


BLAKE

I mean it still is, we’re just used to it now.


BENNY

Alright enough of this, can anyone guess why I called this meeting?


BENNY’s question is met with complete silence.


BENNY

Fine, I guess I’ll have to say it. I ran the math and…RSN can’t survive with just five affiliates.


TREVOR INTERVIEW

Five affiliates. Alright. So I think Benny might know that I do nothing here. Or at least, that one of us isn’t doing anything. 


SASHA

So what’s your big plan?


BENNY

Get a sixth affiliate! I had Devin over here look into potential cities. Devin, what’d you come up with?


DEVIN

I’m afraid not a whole lot, boss.


BENNY

You’re telling me there are no places RSN can expand to?


DEVIN

There are plenty of markets. RSN already had to exit them though.


SASHA

Benny, I think we should just focus on what we have right now. 


KYLIE

Yeah, really only two of our stations are doing good as it is. Los Angeles doing the best, of course.


KYLIE INTERVIEW

7.1 Household rating. I try not to brag about it since most everyone else can’t break a 1. 


BENNY

We have to expand. It’s our only path forward.


SASHA

The Santa Fe Primitives will be on RSN Santa Fe soon. That should help us out. 


BENNY

But not enough. 


BLAKE

Bridgeport’s getting a women’s baseball team soon.


BENNY

Oh come on, like that’ll mean anything.


NICOLE

Face it Benny, most of our markets are doing terrible as it is. You’ve seen the ratings.


BENNY looks at NICOLE blankly.


NICOLE

I said you’ve seen the ratings.


BENNY keeps looking at NICOLE.


NICOLE

Oh my God…you’ve seen the ratings, right?


BENNY

Of course I’ve seen the ratings, how else would I have done the math!


KYLIE

You’re lying.


BENNY

Am not!


KYLIE

What are the ratings then?


BENNY 

Uh…


KYLIE

Come on, what are the average Household ratings by each affiliate last week?


Right then, AUSTIN comes running in. BENNY looks relieved.


AUSTIN

Guys, you won’t believe this! 


KYLIE

I probably will.


AUSTIN

No you won’t. Anchorage has a new fishing show and it’s doing great for them! Anchorage is back!


BENNY

How good are we talking?


AUSTIN

Like, as good as broadcast television. It’s buoyed us to a 1.1 Household rating last week.


SASHA

1.1?!?!?!


SASHA INTERVIEW

Santa Fe can’t be losing to Anchorage. Even Austin’s been saying it’s a worthless station. 


BENNY

Is that good? Someone help me out.


AUSTIN

It’s good for Anchorage. We were doing 0.1s for months!


BENNY INTERVIEW

Prior management gained infamy for shutting down underperforming stations. Guess they missed one.


NICOLE

You know what, I’m happy for you, Austin. Maybe one day you’ll be close to my level.


AUSTIN

Yeah, one day real soon.


BENNY

Say, Austin…do other people fish or is it just in Alaska?


AUSTIN

Seriously?


BENNY

I think it’s a good question.


AUSTIN

If I must answer, Alaska is really into fishing but there are other places too.


BENNY

Like?


AUSTIN

Uh…Honolulu, Key West—


BENNY

Say no more.


SASHA

You really want an affiliate in one of those places?


BENNY

I don’t know, but I don’t need information overload!


AUSTIN

Affiliate? Fishing should be Anchorage’s thing!


BENNY

It still can be. But it’s gonna be Honolulu’s thing too! Or Key West’s.


SASHA

This is a terrible idea Benny. We need to focus on the Santa Fe Primitives!


BLAKE

Don’t forget launching Bridgeport!


BENNY

Eh, maybe you’re right. But I know there’s one more of you than there are affiliates.


TREVOR

What, no there’s not.


BENNY

There won’t be soon. Either we start up a sixth affiliate, or one of you is gone.


TREVOR

Fine, sixth affiliate! Just don’t make it Key West, anything but Key West.


TREVOR INTERVIEW

I’ve been to Key West once. Never again. It was awful, all people wanted to do was fish.


BENNY

Honolulu it is. I can picture it now: RSN Hawaii.


DEVIN

I hate to break this to you guys, but there’s already a pretty big regional sports network in Honolulu. And they have fishing. RSN would never be able to do well in that market.


BENNY

Crap. Well, Key West it is then!


TREVOR

I’m up for the challenge!


SASHA

What about a staff, how are you gonna get a staff together to work in Key West?


NICOLE

And a station. Have you even started an affiliate before?


BENNY

Well…no.


AUSTIN

Can we just agree to stick to what we have? 


BENNY

What we have isn’t enough.


AUSTIN

We can build it up. Focus on fishing in Anchorage, baseball in Santa Fe, and…I don’t know something in Bridgeport and before you know it we’ll have five strong stations going. Then we can relaunch a sixth.


BENNY pauses.


BENNY 

As leader, I value your opinion, I’ve listened to what you have been saying and decided to divert to Austin’s valued suggestion. Good, productive meeting everyone. Trevor, I’ll see you in my office soon.


AUSTIN, SASHA, KYLIE, TREVOR, BLAKE, and NICOLE exit the conference room and return to their cubicles.


BENNY INTERVIEW

What can I say, I’m a good listener. I may have failed to sway them with the sixth affiliate, but…one day I will.


TREVOR 

I’m not really in danger of getting fired, right?


KYLIE 

Probably. Better make yourself useful soon because Benny’s on to you.


TREVOR

Can I help you out with LA?


KYLIE

I don’t need any help.


TREVOR

My job’s on the line!


KYLIE

You can pretend to help for now. But you can’t actually do anything.


TREVOR

Come on, give me something!


KYLIE sighs.


KYLIE

Fine. I have a call to do with the station soon. You can listen in and take notes for me.


TREVOR

Deal! I won’t let you down.


KYLIE

There’s literally nothing you can do to screw this up.


KYLIE INTERVIEW

There’s something nice about job security. If only the others were able to experience the same feeling.

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