Marietta Season 7 Episode 10 - The Slammer

Marietta Season 7 Episode 10

The Slammer


There is a knock on Marietta’s hotel room door.

Marietta: Karen, I told you I needed to get some sleep! This better not be -

Patty Lynn: Not Karen! It’s your mother!

Marietta: Ah, then you can come on in. No politics talk, though! I’m exhausted.

Kathleen: The only reason we’re here is politics. Why the hell else would we be in Iowa in January?

Martin: We’re not build for the cold.

Marietta: Hey, it could be worse. You all got to go back to New Orleans. I’ve practically lived here for months! I’m so ready to move on.

Martin: You’re ahead in the pol-

Marietta: No! I said no!

Martin: You’re right, you did. I’m sorry.

Marietta: Since you broke the rule, and I’m exhausted anyway, I have to close the door now.

Martin: You’re not really -

Marietta closes the door.

Kathleen: I think she meant it.

Martin: It’s barely eight thirty!

Patty Lynn: She’s running for president, she needs her rest. I understand it entirely.

Kathleen: Do you hear that?

Patty Lynn: You know me. Do you think I hear anything?

Kathleen: She’s turned the TV on.

Patty Lynn: She could be turning it on to fall asleep to. Lots of people do that.

Kathleen: If I can hear it in the hallway, would you not say it’s a bit loud to just be turning it on to fall asleep to?

Patty Lynn: Maybe. I don’t know. Loudness helps some people sleep.

Kathleen: Oh my god, she’s watching the Real Housewives of New York.

Martin: Did you know Patty Lynn could’ve been a Real Housewife?

Kathleen: She tells me roughly twice a week.

Patty Lynn: I could’ve been! If they’d done a version in New Orleans, I was a lock.

Kathleen: Have you ever seen the Real Housewives? Being on that show is not a compliment.

Martin: Let’s just let her watch her show, she needs time to decompress. We’ll see her tomorrow.

Kathleen: I don’t like being ignored.

Martin: Dial it back, Glenn Close.

Kathleen: Now Glenn Close, that’s someone it’s a compliment to be compared to. Not Countess Luann.

Patty Lynn: So you do watch it!

Kathleen: Of course I watch it! Every time I watch one of their reunions, I see poor Andy Cohen in the middle trying to deal with those wacky biddies and I feel relief that at least someone else on earth can relate to my struggle.

That same night, in DC…

Moira: Honey, the phone’s ringing.

Milton: So?

Moira: It has to be an emergency. Who would be calling at one in the morning?

Milton: Well, it’s only midnight in central time.

Moira: I say again, who would be calling at midnight?

Milton: It’s probably just mom asking what time we were flying into Iowa tomorrow to campaign for Marietta.

Moira: At midnight?

Milton: I’m sure she’s still up. She can never sleep on the first night of travel. Too busy worrying about whether or not the bed’s clean.

Moira: She scares me sometimes.

Milton: Just sometimes?

The phone rings again.

Moira: Honey…

Milton: Do you want me to answer it?

Moira: I wanted you to answer it last time!

Milton: But it’s so warm and cozy in bed, and it’s so cold in the living room.

Moira: Get up. Answer the phone. Make them stop calling.

Milton: You know, you could also ans-

Moira: Don’t even.

Milton: I regretted it as soon as I said it.

Moira: As you should!

Milton gets up and answers the phone.

Sarah: Dad!

Milton: You do know it’s one in the morning, right? What’s the emergency?

Sarah: No hello?

Milton: Get to it! I’m tired, I have an early flight tomorrow!

Sarah: I’m in a little bit of trouble.

Milton: You got that right.

Sarah: Will you be mad at me if I tell you what happened?

Milton: I’ll be mad at you either way. Spit it out!

Sarah: I’ve been arrested.

Milton: How’d I know this is where that was headed? What did you do? Punch a cop? Crash your car? Do coke at a party?

Sarah: No! I just drank a bit, and I got caught, because I used a fake ID and someone recognized me from campaigning with aunt Marietta.

Milton: Sarah!

Moira: My god, Milton, what happened?

Milton: I’ve raised an alcoholic!

Moira: Well, honestly, it’s amazing she’s the first in this family. You all drive me to drink, how don’t you drive each other?

Milton: Not the time for jokes!

Moira: You’re right.

Sarah: I’m not an alcoholic! I just drank a bit at a college party like a normal college student.

Milton: College party? You said you got caught by a fake ID?

Sarah: Yeah, well, the party was at a bar.

Milton: You couldn’t have just been drinking at your sorority house like a normal person?

Sarah: Sorority house? You think I’m in a sorority? Ew! That stuff is so outdated.

Milton: Are you currently drunk?

Sarah: I’m fine! Can you come get me?

Milton: Yeah, so you’re certainly not fine, because you know I’m in DC right now.

Sarah: Then can you call grandma and ask her to get me? I didn’t want to wake her up, but this is an emergency.

Milton: Grandma is in Iowa. So is grandpa, and aunt Kathleen, and aunt Marietta, and aunt Tammy, and Henrietta, and Amy…

Sarah: So who’s gonna get me? They won’t let me drive myself!

Milton: Gee, I wonder why!

Moira: I have an idea.

Milton: Im open to anything.

Moira: So, two ideas. First, Marissa would do it.

Milton: I don’t want to bother her.

Moira: The other is, I think Mitch is ini New Orleans.

Milton: I’m not calling the former President of the United States at midnight his time to drive to the jail to get my daughter because she went out drinking!

Moira: So Marissa it is?

Milton: This is so embarrassing.

Sarah: Imagine being me!

Milton: You got yourself into this mess!

Sarah: It was an honest mistake.

Milton: All right, I gotta let you go. Someone will be there to get you soon. Can’t tell you who, because I don’t know who will pick up, as it is midnight. Good luck!

Sarah: Tha-

Milton hangs up, picks up a pillow, and screams into it.

Moira: It’s gonna be okay. Don’t worry about it. And don’t do that, the walls in these apartments aren’t that thick. I could hear Senator Gardenia watching Dancing with the Stars a few months ago.

The next day…

Marietta: Today’s the day!

Tammy: Marietta, we have news.

Marietta: No!

Patty Lynn: Honey, it isn’t that bad.

Martin: It’s pretty bad.

Kathleen: I need a drink.

Martin: No, it’s seven in the morning.

Kathleen: That’s what mimosas are for.

Marietta: Someone give me the news!

Amy: It’s a shame we don’t have Hoda to break this news anymore, really.

Marietta: Don’t remind me!

Patty Lynn: Sarah has gotten herself into some trouble.

Marietta: What kind of trouble? Boy trouble? That’s unfortunate, but not exactly an emergency situation that required the whole team to come to me looking so solemn.

Patty Lynn: Not boy trouble. Legal trouble. She was arrested last night at a bar for underage drinking. She had a fake ID and everything.

Karen: It’s made the news. The national news, Iowan news, everywhere we don’t want it to be.

Marietta: Of course it has!

Tammy: People are smart enough to know this is not your fault.

Kathleen: And yet, this still reflects bad on you, you talk about the hand you had in raising her…

Marietta: If I lose Iowa after Caitlin Clark, who is basically the reincarnation of Christ to Iowans, endorsed me, and all because my niece was a dumbass on the worst possible day, I might kill someone! Probably Sarah. I will fly down to New Orleans just to shoot her.

Martin: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Amy: That actually might help shoot your poll numbers back up. People love politicians that are criminals themselves, just not ones with criminal relatives.

Karen: The risk of losing due to this is very low. Almost non-existent. If you lose, this is very unlikely to be why. It would be because the polls were all very wrong.

Tammy: Ah, good to know. The polls are never wrong, we got this on lock!

Karen: They’re rarely wrong enough to put us in danger of losing. I’ll say that much.

Marietta: But the polls were before this!

Karen: This will not change many votes. Voters don’t expect perfection of politicians, let alone their families.

Marietta: But the last thing undecided voters hear about me on their way to the polls is negative. That’s not good!

Amy: We just have to work hard to get out voters. It’s cold, it’s miserable, but we’ve got an election to win, and we’re going to.

Marietta: Have any of my opponents commented yet?

Henrietta: Jenny Ross condemned the media for making our family business such a public thing.

Marietta: Bitch! She knows what she’s trying to do, get all my supporters to make her their second choice.

Tammy: She is a very skilled politician.

Kathleen: How skilled can she possibly be? She’s from Nevada! It’s a state of gambling addicts, how hard is it to convince them to vote for you? 

Marietta: I think that’s a bit of a simplification about the people of Nevada.

Kathleen: No, it’s the truth. It’s my truth!

Patty Lynn: I have a bit more news.

Marietta: It can’t be worse, so let’s have it.

Patty Lynn: Milton is flying to New Orleans to deal with Sarah, so he won’t make it to campaign with us, nor will Moira.

Marietta: That’s fine. I’ll see him soon enough. We have work to get done, anyway.

Tammy: You know, my Mitch had to pick her up. She’s been staying at our place.

Marietta: You’re kidding?

Tammy: I wish I was! He called me to complain about it this morning!

Marietta: What a mess.

Tammy: I’ll say. I think the image of a former president entering a police precinct certainly helped contribute to the media feeding frenzy.

Marietta: Was no one else available to get her?

Tammy: Apparently not! Most people that would usually get her are in this room, and I doubt Mitch would’ve ever been Milton’s first choice otherwise.

Karen: Hey, these caucuses begin early, we have to get going now and convince these voters to turn out.

Henrietta: What even is a caucus, anyway?

Martin: Nonsense.

Amy: It’s voter suppression, really. The winner of the most important contest of the cycle is chosen by the people that had hours of their day to spare standing around. What an utterly nonsensical way to vote!

Marietta: Yeah, we’re not getting into this today. We can fix the Iowa caucus some other time, now we have to worry about winning it.

Later, in New Orleans…

Milton: Sarah, are you aware of the grief you’ve caused us?

Moira: It’s n-

Milton: We had to cancel our tickets to Iowa, get ones to New Orleans, and disappoint your aunt in the process. We had to wake a former US President to pick you up because the entire family’s out of town, all because you needed to go out and get drunk! Use your brain! This isn’t you!

Mitch: Actually, I was already awake, my bladder is not what it once was.

Milton: Were you also out driving about town?

Mitch: I was not.

Milton: So she disrupted you. Very bad of her!

Sarah: I’m not a child, please don’t talk to me like I am.

Milton: You act like one!

Sarah: When?

Milton: Often, particularly now.

Sarah: I made a mistake, we all do so.

Mitch: I made many as president, I almost got impeached for one.

Milton: Not now, Mitch.

Mitch: I’m just saying, if the House Speaker could give me grace, surely you could give Sarah some as well.

Moira: I agree.

Milton: She’s caused a massive headache for Marietta, all the morning news programs are talking about this because it’s Iowa caucus day!

Sarah: I was very dumb, I regret it, I wish I could undo it. I’ll never drink underage again!

Milton: You’re nineteen, I’m sure you’ll break that pledge in the next year and a month.

Sarah: I’ll try my best to keep it.

Milton: Well, this is less dramatic than I was expecting. I don’t think an intervention is needed.

Sarah: It’s not.

Moira: We could make it to Iowa by the time polls close if we leave soon.

Mitch: Aww, are you leaving before lunch?

Milton: I think we’ve disrupted you enough for the time being.

Mitch: No, I enjoy the company. It’s been quite lonely without Tammy around to drive me insane.

Milton: You’re free to come to Iowa with us!

Mitch: I had to pretend to care about Iowa for eight years as President. I’m damn sure I’m not about to look back!

Later that night…

Amy: Moment of truth, coming soon! Don’t let me down, Iowa!

Kathleen: I hope I genuinely never have to hear about Iowa ever again after today. I mean ever.

Tammy: Aww, it’s not so bad.

Kathleen: It’s not so good, either. You know what the temperature is right now? One degree.

Tammy: It’s cold in many places, not just Iowa.

Kathleen: And I don’t want to be in any of those other places, either! Take me home!

Martin: It’s actually near-freezing there, too.

Kathleen: What’s gonna freeze next? Hell?

Marietta: On the plus side, it’ll be a toasty twenty degrees in New Hampshire tomorrow!

Kathleen: You need to drop out.

Milton: Surprise!

Marietta: How the hell did you get here? Mom said you were going to New Orleans to punish the hoodlum.

Sarah: Hi!

Marietta: I’m quite mad at you! How mad will depend on the results we see on that screen starting in about an hour.

Sarah: I really wasn’t try-

Marietta: Ah!

Sarah: I didn’t mean t-

Marietta: Ah!

Sarah: I’m sorry for being stupid.

Marietta: Just don’t ever do it again!

Sarah: You know, nobody ever gave aunt Kathleen so much flak when she got a DUI!

Kathleen: If I weren’t frail and elderly I would whoop you for that!

Martin: Hey, this family is already in the news for breaking one crime. Let’s not give them another one to capitalize off of.

Marietta: So, Milton, how did you get here so fast?

Moira: It was the longest day of traveling anyone has ever endured.

Milton: It was only two flights.

Moira: And several more hours sitting at the airport…

Milton: Nevertheless, we are here to support you, freezing our asses off in the middle of nowhere.

Moira: Yeah, why’s it so cold in here?

Kathleen: That’s just how they live in Iowa, no?

Martin: The heat’s not working right.

Milton: That feels like a bad omen.

Patty Lynn: Milton!

Milton: Sorry.

One hour later…

Amy: Can someone turn the news on?

Marietta: Frasier calms me down!

Amy: Yeah, well Frasier won’t tell you if you won Iowa or not.

Marietta: Okay, fine.

Kathleen: Please put on a like-minded news station, please. I can’t bear to listen to Republican propaganda.

Amy: Will do.

Amy turns on The Spin Zone.

Kathleen: I said no Republican propaganda!

Marietta: Amy, this is fine.

Amy: It better be, I don’t know what channel any of the other cable news networks are on.

Dan Freberg: Hello and welcome to The Spin Zone, I’m Dan Freberg.

Maggie Ember: And I’m Maggie Ember. It’s eight PM in Iowa, and that means polls are closed in the Hawkeye State for their highly-anticipated caucus. Let’s take a look at what we know so far, starting with the entrance polls with Sam Carlyle.

Sam: Thank you, Maggie. The Republican side is not a competitive race, as President Brian Delphy is already our projected winner. The Democratic side is far more intriguing, and we’ve got some early leaders, including our very best guess for the likely top three in the caucus. Important to remember in this is 15% - that’s the margin each candidate will need in order to earn delegates in this state, either statewide or in each of the state’s four congressional districts. Right now, New Orleans Mayor Marietta Landfield is the presumptive frontrunner. She has out a to of time into Iowa, more than any other candidate, with the other frontrunners having the early states that they’ve viewed as more likely wins for them. This is her best chance at an early win, and she has barnstormed the state. She’s touted her ties to Iowa, including endorsements by basketball superstar Caitlin Clark, an Iowa native, as well as several farming groups in the state. She, of course, made the news today following her niece’s arrest, which her opponents largely decided not to capitalize on.

Marietta: Oh, shut up!

Sarah: Once again, I’m sorry!

Kathleen: Just get to the results, man!

Sam: Then there’s Eleanor Baum, the Connecticut Senator and former talk show host. Despite herself being a celebrity, she has mostly eschewed celebrity endorsements, instead touting her support by her Senate colleague, the state’s freshman senator, Wendy Winger. She started as the frontrunner in the state before declining, though recent momentum has shifted back towards her. Also in the expected top three is Nevada Senator Jenny Ross, who hasn’t spent much time in Iowa. Despite her lack of campaigning in the state, she did get several key labor union endorsements, and here strong national polling has kept her in contention. Her Wisconsin upbringing has also made her among the more relatable candidates for midwestern voters in this cycle, with the other leading candidates being southerners and New Englanders.

Marietta: I suppose we’re not getting results anytime soon.

Milton: Well, it’s Iowa. They take a while. A caucus, whatever that even is, takes time.

Tammy: Why can’t they just vote like a normal state?

Milton: That would be too easy. They want to stretch out their time in the spotlight.

One hour later…

Dan: Do we have an update, Maggie?

Maggie: Our decision desk is ready to make a call in the Iowa caucus. With 38% of the vote reporting, Marietta Landfield will win the Democratic Iowa caucus and at least fifteen of their delegates. Eleanor Baum will earn at least eight, Jenny Ross at least seven, and Myrna Sommer at least one. Mick Bassar and Andrew Washington are fighting to gain at least one, with both on the very in a single congressional district. We are ready to make this call due to Mayor Landfield’s impressive 39% statewide showing, over ten points ahead o

Amy: Someone pop the champagne!

Tammy: Oh, I’m already on it!

Milton: Sarah, you can’t have any!

Sarah: I wasn’t gonna ask for any!

Milton: Just making sure.

Karen: Marietta, your victory speech, when are you making it?

Marietta: I’m ready now.

Karen: All right, I’ll let the networks know.

Patty Lynn: Firs step, kiddo.

Marietta: Towards what?

Patty Lynn: The history books!

What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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