Marietta Season 7 Episode 9 - A Harry Situation

Marietta Season 7 Episode 9

A Harry Situation


Marietta is sitting on her bed in her hotel room when Tammy barges through the door.

Tammy: Marietta, can I interrupt your relaxation for a second?

Marietta: It’s my day off and I’m watching Hoda’s final episode of the Today show! Let me be!

Tammy: I just got a phone call from home.

Marietta: See, you barging through that door is why I had pause about the adjoining rooms to begin with.

Tammy: You know you’d never get up before noon if it weren’t for me waking you up!

Marietta: Noon? Try ten.

Tammy: Still, we need you up before then.

Marietta: And I get that. Still, you are annoying me greatly right now, and it’s ruining a milestone moment.

Tammy: You do know how ridiculous you sound sometimes, right?

Marietta: I do.

Tammy: The call is from Helene Tran. She apologized for bugging you on the campaign trail, but said it’s urgent.

Marietta: It must be some city council nonsense. Have Amy call.

Tammy: If it was something Amy could handle, she’d have called Amy. Finish your Hoda and give her a call.

Marietta: But it’s so early!

Tammy: It’s almost eight.

Marietta: Don’t say that! Hoda will be gone at eight! Well, until the Hoda and Jenna hour at nine. But then after that hour, she’s gone!

Tammy: You can make her your press secretary when you win if you miss her so much.

Marietta: Don’t take that tone with me about Hoda!

Tammy: I just need you to be a bit more professional, Marietta. You are the frontrunner for president, after all.

Marietta: You seriously have to stop saying that, it freaks me out.

Tammy: Imagine how it makes me feel saying it!

Marietta: That was hurtful. That was a purposeful dig.

Tammy: Just call Helene!

Marietta: Will do, now leave me be!

Later that morning, Marietta calls Helene.

Helene: Mayor Landfield, I really appreciate you calling me back. I know how busy you are, and I’m so excited for you about the success of your campaign.

Marietta: Oh, Helene, don’t get too formal. I’m still just Marietta. I haven’t bought into the hype quite yet. We’ll see.

Helene: I think you’ve got this thing in the bag, but I won’t try to jinx it for you.

Marietta: I appreciate that! So, what’s the urgent matter you need to discuss?

Helene: It’s a bit unfortunate. I’m sorry to bother you with it.

Marietta: Helene, surely whatever you have to say can’t be so bad. The city council rarely seeks to actively screw me over, so I doubt you’re passing anything too heinous. Right?

Helene: It’s not about the council as a whole. It’s about me. I’m resigning.

Marietta: Helene! What did you do?

Helene: Nothing, nothing, I swear. It’s not a legal issue or anything. Well, it is in a way. I legally can’t hold a job on the council at the same time as I serve on the board of any influential companies that do business in the city.

Marietta: Helene Tran, have you gone corporate on me?

Helene: It just pays so well!

Marietta: That is the worst possible response you could have! We’re supposed to serve the people, not ourselves!

Helene: I know, but how much longer could I realistically even stay on as a councilor, anyway? This gives me a fresh new start in life, and at nearly sixty, that wasn’t something I could just easily pass up.

Marietta: I am happy for you. But I’m sad for me! I’ll miss you!

Helene: I don’t think you’re going to need to concern yourself much with the council. You are obviously onto bigger and better things. We’ll talk just as much as we would’ve if I weren’t stepping down.

Marietta: Again, getting ahead of ourselves.

Helene: I know, I know. Still, I’m excited for us.

Marietta: I am, too. There certainly is a lot of change ahead for us. When’s your last day?

Helene: I plan to announce my departure at this week’s public council meeting, and then next week’s meeting will be my last.

Marietta: That’s so soon!

Helene: It’s a fairly standard two weeks’ notice.

Marietta: You have to remember, I come from the Senate. My colleagues would announce their retirements years before they actually left. Anything less than eight months feels short for me.

Helene: I think if I told the company I needed a good eight months before I started, they’d tell me to just forget it.

Marietta: Patience is a virtue!

Helene: One you’ve never had.

Marietta: Touché! Well, I do wish I were able to be there for you final council meetings. With Iowa coming up, and another debate, and New Hampshire… I won’t be back in New Orleans anytime soon.

Helene: That’s fine! We can catch up whenever you have the time. Friends never leave each others’ lives if they’re true friends.

Marietta: You’re more than a friend. You were an ally when I needed one most. You and Moira turned my mayorship around by sticking by me and advocating for my policies. Thank you.

Helene: It’s nothing to thank me for. I did what I felt was right. You were the change this city needed. I know your brother would’ve brought similar change if that press secretary of yours hadn’t been such a hurdle to progress.

Marietta: Well, she’s had many changes of heart, thank god. Much of the council has. Still, DeeDee and Flo and Mack are all sort of iffy on me. DeeDee works with us sometimes, and Flo and Mack I think are turned off by the whole presidential run. They didn’t really get to know me first before I ran, and now they think I’m abandoning the city.

Helene: They all like you just fine.

Marietta: Regardless, I’m hoping your replacement will be more willing to work with me.

Helene: I will campaign for who I think will be the right choice for the city.

Marietta: Will the company let you?

Helene: Of course! I’m not allowed to endorse on their behalf, but if I make it clear I’m endorsing on a personal basis, they’re fine with me remaining active in politics.

Marietta: Good to know!

One hour later…

Amy: Marietta, I can’t wait any longer! Tammy told me Helene had something top-secret to tell you, and I’m dying to know what it is! Is she running for mayor once you’re gone? She knows that that is my job in the unlikely event that this presidential run fall through!

Marietta: I guess she’s probably told Moira and Marissa by now, so it’s safe to tell you as well. No, Helene’s not running for mayor. She’s never running for anything again.

Henrietta: Has she died?

Tammy: How would Helene have told Marietta via phone call that she died?

Henrietta: I didn’t know it was a phone call, I thought maybe it was some sort of psychic dream or something.

Tammy: I worry about you sometimes.

Henrietta: With my sleep schedule, I worry about me sometimes.

Marietta: She’s resigning from the city council to take a corporate job.

Amy: Helene? Wow, never would’ve expected that from her! DeeDee maybe, not Helene though.

Marietta: I’m happy for her, she’s very excited about this new gig.

Amy: You should be happy, you have an excellent way of one-upping her when she brags about the position.

Marietta: I’m not competitive like that.

Tammy: Eh…

Marietta: Not to the point of belittling my friends! Just my enemies.

One week later…

Kathleen: Martin… can we talk?

Patty Lynn: Is there a reason I’m being excluded?

Kathleen: Other than you being insane?

Patty Lynn: Yes, other than that. That’s not a good enough excuse.

Kathleen: All right, I really don’t want to deal with this, so I’ll just say it hear. You know our nephew Harry?

Martin: The deranged one? Yes, I’m familiar.

Kathleen: Yeah, well… he’s back.

Martin: They let him out of the asylum?

Kathleen: Once again, that’s not a politically correct way to refer to Mississippi.

Martin: I could say worse.

Kathleen: I’m aware.

Martin: Why’s he back? And where’s he back, so I can avoid going there.

Kathleen: Apparently, he moved back last year. He didn’t tell us, nor did Marvin.

Patty Lynn: I can see why, he’s an aggressive drunkard.

Martin: Addition’s a disease, dear.

Patty Lynn: Yes, but it’s not an excuse to act like that. He always resented our children for their success, too. I’m not a fan at all.

Kathleen: None of us are! Still, he’s in New Orleans, and he’s running for Helene Tran’s open seat on the city council.

Patty Lynn: Ah, good lord.

Kathleen: The lord seems to be testing us.

Martin: What’s his platform? Hating his cousin?

Kathleen: Well, yeah. She’s getting a lot of attention now, not all of it good, and that’s getting his campaign coverage in conservative media.

Patty Lynn: That’s frightening.

Kathleen: He won’t win, he’s an “independent,” but he’s going to be a headache.

Martin: How bad can it be?

Kathleen: Well, he’s accusing Marietta of having ordered Betty Benoit’s “execution.”

Martin: Okay, so pretty bad.

Patty Lynn: No person could possibly believe that!

Kathleen: Have you met people? Marietta’s a government official, running for president. A solid forty percent of this country would believe any conspiracy theory thrown out about a politician they don’t agree with. They’ll believe politicians are capable of anything, even the most harmless, low-level ones.

Patty Lynn: My Marietta would never!

Kathleen: But they don’t care! Conspiracy theorists don’t think the targets of their theories are humans, just calculated creatures yearning for power. 

Martin: It’s sick that her own cousin would be the source of those theories.

Kathleen: That’s what lends it a bit of “credibility!” If you have a family member spreading it, makes it look much more reputable than Joe Schmo off the street saying it. It’s a vicious cycle.

Patty Lynn: Surely the mainstream media will ignore this.

Kathleen: You sweet summer child.

Martin: So, how do we handle this?

Kathleen: Well, we could kill him.

Martin: That would prove his point, no?

Kathleen: I do realize the irony in my idea, yes.

Martin: How do we handle this without breaking any laws - moral or legal.

Kathleen: We could call Marvin. He could talk him out of this.

Patty Lynn: Isn’t the cat out of the bag already, though? He’s already spewing these wild theories about Marietta, the media will cover them.

Kathleen: You, of all people, want to just let this play out?

Patty Lynn: I think us getting involved in any way just gives him more ammo, brings more attention to him. I don’t want that.

Martin: That’s growth. I’m proud of you!

Kathleen: I wasn’t expecting her to be the sane one in this conversation, but people surprise you.

Patty Lynn: I’ve been doing affirmations, they calm me down. Part of my New Year’s resolution.

Kathleen: Ah, so this won’t last. She’ll be back to the brink of insanity by Monday.

The next day, Marietta gets a call from Kate and Ellie.

Marietta: Girls! So good to hear from you! Happy New Year!

Ellie: Pretty late for “Happy New Year,” no?

Marietta: Why would it be late? We haven’t spoken in the last ten days, just texted.

Ellie: It’s almost two weeks in, I think we’re past that.

Kate: Ellie’s already broken her resolution.

Marietta: What was it?

Kate: To be less pedantic and nagging.

Ellie: I am who I am. The fast we we all accept it, the better.

Marietta: So, what are you calling for, so deep into the year? Clearly it’s something important, I know how busy you are at the start of a legislative term.

Ellie: Eh, the newbie senators are all still confused and trying to figure out how to navigate the capital. Can’t do much with those dummies unable to even find their way to the chamber.

Marietta: Either way, I do need to keep this call short. I’ve got Caitlin Clark and one of the West Wing cast members out there stumping for me, they don’t come cheap! Caitlin Clark, I get. The West Wing… that hasn’t been on in a while. The appearance fee’s a bit steep if you ask me.

Kate: Ooh, which one from the West Wing?

Marietta: I do not know. Not Allison Janney. She was too expensive, I think the Oscar went to her head.

Ellie: Nothing gets a liberal more excited than those three simple words - “The West Wing.” It’s like saying “Ronald Reagan” around a conservative or “white wine” around Kathie Lee Gifford.

Kate: Have you considered getting Charli XCX to call you “brat” on Twitter?

Marietta: What? Who? Where?

Kate: It’s… I don’t know, my kids wanted her album for Christmas. They explained “brat” to me. Very confusing. I wouldn’t want to be called “brat.” Apparently, it’s a compliment.

Ellie: We sound so old.

Marietta: We are so old!

Ellie: And yet you want a promotion. We’re at retirement age!

Kate: Hey, ladies, speak for yourselves… I’m still three years away from the senior discount at the movies.

Marietta: I’m young compared to most presidents.

Ellie: Well… younger.

Marietta: So what’s this call about?

Kate: We have a question. We saw a news story, we need you to confirm it for us.

Marietta: I will say nothing over the phone that could possibly incriminate me. Who knows who is spying!

Kate: Did you, or did you not, have Betty Benoit murdered to get revenge on her for beating you and so Milton could get her Senate seat?

Marietta: Yup, totally did it.

Ellie: Knew it!

Marietta: Where’d that from?

Ellie: Your cousin!

Marietta: Which one? I’ve got many! Not Eliza.

Kate: Never! In fact, she is quoted in the article I read refuting it and calling it nonsense.

Marietta: I’d rather she just ignore these libelous gossip rags, but I appreciate the support anyway. Which cousin was it?

Kate: Harry.

Marietta: Harry? My god, I haven’t thought of him in decades!

Kate: We didn’t even know you HAD a cousin Harry!

Marietta: He was awful. As delusional as anyone you’ve ever met, a trouble-maker who lived off of the misery of others. What rock did he crawl out from under, and why? Just to make money off my name while I’m running?

Kate: You don’t know?

Marietta: Know what? I’ve been in Iowa and South Carolina for the last six months, all I know is corn and Palmetto Cheese.

Kate: Ah, I love Palmetto Cheese!

Ellie: What is Palmetto Cheese?

Marietta: It’s a cheese…dip… thing popular in South Carolina. I don’t know, Tammy’s wild about the stuff, she practically buys it in bulk. So now that it’s established I’m in the dark here, what is my sleazebag cousin up to?

Kate: He’s running for city council.

Marietta: Oh my god. What a joke! Does he even live in New Orleans? Not that he cares, it’s just a publicity stunt to get revenge on me. I bet Jenny Ross or Eleanor Baum paid him to do it so I’d get bad press.

Ellie: I think he might just hate you.

Kate: Ellie has many such relatives who would absolutely jump at the chance to publicly humiliate her if they thought it would make national headlines like this.

Ellie: Indeed!

Marietta: National headlines, you say?

Kate: Yeah, unfortunately.

Marietta: So I can’t just ignore it?

Kate: That’s going to be up to you to figure out. Thankfully, I’ve got nothing to do with it.

Marietta: Gee, thanks for the help.

Kate: Any time!

Later that day, after Marietta’s rally…

Marietta: Aww, aren’t they so nice?

Amy: Well, they are Midwesterners, that is sort of their thing.

Marietta: You know, she’s a sporting hero and WNBA superstar, and he… I don’t remember his name, he was in The West Wing, though, and that was really popular. They could be real divas, but they’re warm and kind. It’s nice to see. Some decency does remain.

Amy: Everyone wants to befriend the next president. Gotta make a good impression!

Karen: Bradley Whitford. His name is Bradley Whitford.

Marietta: Sure.

Tammy: Ain’t he in Aerosmith?

Karen: Different Brad Whitford. And, so, uh… nice as they are, we have a problem.

Marietta: I know what it is. I don’t wish to discuss.

Tammy: I want to discuss it. What is it?

Marietta: Make it quick, Karen.

Karen: Marietta’s estranged cousin Harry is running for city council, and he’s got a lot to say about her. He’s giving the conservative media a lot of fodder to use to attack her. Divulging family secrets, spouting outright conspiracies, accusing her of incompetence and denigrating the family name… it’s not great.

Amy: No one that buys what he’s selling is actually going to vote in the Democratic primary, though.

Marietta: Some could. You know, those ancestral Democrats from the South we’ve been trying to woo over by painting me as a devoted daughter of the South?

Amy: The KKK-loving conspiracy theorists were probably not going to vote for the left-wing woman to be their president.

Marietta: They sent me to the Senate at one point!

Henrietta: Let’s not campaign on that, okay?

Tammy: So how do we handle this?

Karen: We’re ignoring it. The best way to put out a fire is to take its air supply. He gets o reaction from us, people eventually stop talking about it, he loses relevance, he goes away. Simple as that.

Marietta: That’s gonna be hard for me.

Tammy: Yeah, she has a really big mouth.

Henrietta: Not unlike… everyone in this room.

Amy: That’s a lie. I talk a normal amount.

Henrietta: Sure you do.

Karen: Just do it, Marietta. Anyone asks about him, pretend you didn’t hear it.

Marietta: What if it’s Whoopi on The View? Or the guy on Hot Ones?

Karen: Any pre-approved interview will know not to touch this non-story. We’ll make sure of it.

Marietta: We’re being so secretive about this, even I’m starting to wonder if Harry’s right!

Karen: You test me.

Marietta: I try!

Two weeks later, at a campaign event…

Milton: My god, Marietta, are you not exhausted: Eighteen counties in Iowa in one day?

Marietta: I want to die. I hate this place.

Karen: You better hope no one heard that.

Marietta: I hope they did! I don’t want to be President anymore! This is hell!

Moira: Well, I guess you haven’t heard the big news in New Orleans, then?

Marietta: The city could’ve been literally transported to another planet by aliens and I wouldn’t have heard it yet.

Milton: Harry was disqualified from the ballot. He forged signatures. As in, almost all of them.

Marietta: Aww, I was enjoying the freak show!

Tammy: It stopped being funny to me when he claimed to have evidence you’re secretly a lizard person.

Milton: I actually found that more likely than his claim that she had an affair with Warren Beatty.

Marietta: Hey! I could’ve snagged Warren Beatty back in the day!

Milton: Maybe during that time where he was desperate enough to do Dick Tracy.

Marietta: I will remember all of this disrespect when I’m president.

Milton: What are you going to do, kill me like you killed Betty?

Marietta: I should.

What did you think of the midseason premiere of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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