Teri: Does anyone know where mom is?
Ralph: Why would you ask that? We’re finally getting some peace!
Teri: She’s old. What if she wandered away and got lost? I’ve always feared that’s the way she going to go out.
Frank: What are we saying? Betty’s dead?
Teri: Why would you evenly such a thing, you sicko?
Frank: But you were just -
Teri: No! Don’t even try to defend yourself. It’s indefensible. Learn something called shame.
Tammi: It was a pretty low thing to say, Frank.
Karl: You can all stop fearing for your mother’s safety. She’s just at an HOA meeting.
Teri: You mean around Anita? So now I have to worry about her safety AND ours! Very good chance mom could annoy her enough that Anita both kills her and fines us for violating some other nonsense bylaw they wrote up to spite us.
Cindy: Because the fine would be the real tragedy there.
Velma: Depending on the size of it…
Cindy: Y’all are sick.
Tammi: Why didn’t she tell any of us she was going to an HOA meeting? She always drags at least one of us along for moral support.
Karl: I think it was last minute. Regardless, I’m glad we weren’t forced to go. Not a fun group.
Ralph: I like Lianne.
Teri: Of course you do, she pays you money to make food.
Ralph: At least someone does!
Tammi: Thankfully at least one man in this family knows the plight of the homemaker! That’s a burden us women usually have to carry alone!
Jerry: Don’t get all feminist on us, Tammi. Before you know it, you’ll be burning your bra and you won’t shave your legs anymore.
Teri: Why are men?
Danielle: That’s a question I’ve been asking non-stop for about forty years.
Meanwhile, at the HOA meeting…
Anita: So that’ll do it for today, everyone. I appreciate you all coming out on short notice, and realizing that the raccoon issue required our immediate attention.
Lianne: I will say, I am mildly concerned that the majority opinion of the meeting’s attendees was that we should just let ‘em run rampant through the neighborhood. Those little buggers can cause chaos.
Betty: But they’re so cute!
Lianne: I have a guy that can capture them humanely and take them to the zoo!
Betty: Of course you do.
Anita: The plan was voted down, Lianne. My hands are tied. The electorate sometimes makes mistakes!
Betty: Not this time!
Anita: This meeting is dismissed, you can all head home. Please head home. I am begging.
Betty starts to depart, but she is stopped by Leanne.
Lianne: Betty! Amelia! I need to talk!
Betty: Lianne, if this is about the raccoons, we can just agree to disagree. Polite disagreement is essential.
Lianne: Oh, it’s not about that. No, I’m concerned about Anita.
Amelia: I’m always concerned about Anita. Mainly that Betty’s going to assassinate her.
Betty: I would never, I’m anti-violence.
Amelia: A pacifist?
Betty: No, I’ve never visited the Pacific coast.
Amelia: Never mind. Lianne, what’s the matter with Anita?
Lianne: Haven’t you noticed her acting strange?
Betty: Can’t say I have. Strange is normal for her.
Lianne: I mean more strange than usual. She seems agitated, short-tempered, a bit distracted. Her eyes are almost glazed over.
Betty: Yes, this all seems completely normal and in-character for her.
Lianne: I don’t know, there just seems to be something wrong.
Betty: Her Brian is wrong.
Amelia: Betty!
Betty: Yeah, I’ll stop. I’m in public, I have to be careful with what I say.
Lianne: This is you being careful?
Betty: Ah, man, I just realized my hand sanitizer fell off my purse in the room. I gotta go get it, it’s in one of those cute little Bath & Body Works holders. Teri got it for me for Christmas.
Lianne: You don’t seem terribly concerned about Anita’s wellbeing regardless.
Betty: No, no I am not.
Amelia: They have a… complicated history.
Lianne: I am well aware! Anyone with eyes can see that!
Betty walks back into the HOA meeting room and overhears Anita talking with the other board members.
Anita: You know, you’re the first people I’ve told about the divorce. We haven’t even broken it to Alysa yet, we’re still not sure just how to do it. It’s not an easy piece of news to drop on your kid, especially when they’re an irritable, hormonal teenager.
Betty coughs.
Anita: Betty, what are you doing here and have you been spying?
Betty: Sorry, can’t hear you! Hearing aids are off! Just here to find something I left behind!
Anita: Never mind. Just grab it and go!
Betty: Right back at ya!
Anita: That does not make any sense with what I said.
Betty: Aww, thank you. I always did think I had a nice smile! Glad you noticed!
Later that night, Betty rushes through the door of the house.
Betty: Oh my god!
Cindy: This should be good.
Ralph: “You guys will never guess what Anita did tonight.”
Betty: How’d you know?
Ralph: You say it every time!
Tammi: And it’s always entirely believable petty nonsense.
Betty: This time, it’s a bombshell!
Danielle: I’m sure it is, but let’s grab our food first. Dinner’s going to get cold.
Betty: I don’t care about dinner!
Danielle: I do, I worked all day on it!
Betty: Okay, but make it quick! This is the hottest gossip I’ve ever had to sit on!
Velma: All right, I’m intrigued.
Teri: So am I, strangely.
Jerry: I can’t say I care what Anita did, tonight or any other night.
Teri: You say that now!
Jerry: I’ll say it always.
Ten minutes later…
Betty: Okay! Are we ready?
Jerry: As ready as I’ll ever be for this nonsense.
Betty: This is major! Big! Huge!
Teri: Speed it up, my soup’s almost gone!
Mitchell: This is good soup, by the way.
Danielle: Thanks, I appreciate it. You eat a lot of soup, I trust your opinion on the matter.
Velma: You never compliment anything I make!
Mitchell: You never make anything!
Velma: That is not true!
Teri: It’s very much true!
Velma: Stay outta this!
Betty: Hey! My time to talk! I’m the one with news!
Velma: Sorry. It’s Mitchell’s fault.
Mitchell: I can’t talk?
Velma: No.
Betty: Anita and Rich DeFleur are getting divorced!
Cindy: That’s the big news?
Betty: Of course! This is a major shakeup to the neighborhood pecking order! A power couple is splitting up!
Ralph: Are you going to try to get to the top now?
Betty: Are you kidding? I’m already at the top.
Ralph: It’s good to be self-confident, even if it’s entirely unwarranted.
Betty: That was unnecessary and I don’t appreciate it.
Teri: I’ll be honest, I’m underwhelmed. I thought it was something juicer. I thought she was going to jail for fraud or something.
Betty: I could never get that lucky!
Ralph: I think this is their own private business, not ours.
Betty: Are you kidding? Their perfect life is a charade, a lie, an act!
Cindy: These are real people we’re talking about.
Steven: Alysa’s going to be crushed.
Teri: That’ll be good for you, though! Who does a depressed girl run to in a time of need? Exactly. She’s probably moving in.
Tammi: She’s not moving in.
Velma: Exactly, I don’t think the plumbing could handle another person. Imagine the water bill if we add another person!
Danielle: Plus, we can’t add another person to the morning routine. It’s already a mad dash to get us all ready in time for work!
Steven: You guys are all being a bit insensitive. I love her, I want to be here for her by whatever means necessary.
Velma: You’re just trying to get in her pants, let’s be honest.
Ralph: Well, that’d be more than Rich DeFleur is getting, apparently.
Teri: You don’t know that. He could’ve left the witch for his mistress.
Ralph: That’s true.
Cindy: I see you’ve quickly moved on from believing this is their private business.
Ralph: I saw a chance for snark. I took it.
Cindy: As if you need any reason to be snarky.
Velma: So, what now? Anita’s getting divorced, how will that change anything?
Jerry: It won’t. She’s just basking in the misery of her nemesis.
Betty: She’s a vile, heartless woman. Of course I’m basking in her misery, she’d bask in mine! I take great pleasure in seeing her finally knocked down a peg. She’s not nearly as perfect as she makes herself out to be.
Jerry: I just can’t feel glee over a family being split up.
Teri: Why not? It’s for the good of humanity.
Jerry: It gets her back in the dating scene, so I’m not sure how true that is.
Velma: Do you think they’ll have to move? That would be something, wouldn’t it?
Steven: No! If they move… what if they go far away and Alysa has to leave me?
Teri: You could always follow her, it wouldn’t hurt to have one less person in this house.
Tammi: Excuse me?
Teri: Come on, we’ve all thought it.
Tammi: We could kick your friend out then. Not my son!
Danielle: Okay, I have a name.
Tammi: Yes, of course you do. I was just making a point.
Danielle: That point being that I’m the first one voted off the island.
Velma: No, that would be Mitchell.
Mitchell: I’m not so sure about that.
Velma: Are you implying something about your run win Survivor?
Mitchell: That would break the contract, and I know you’d report me straight to CBS. So, no.
Velma: You’re not wrong.
Karl: So, I think we’ve dwelled enough on this marital split. We can move on.
Betty: Give me more time to gloat and celebrate!
Teri: Imagine how she’ll react if Anita dies first.
Betty: Don’t even say that. The thought of it fills me with such glee, I may explode!
Cindy: That is incredibly concerning.
Three days later…
Ralph: Oh, Alysa’s here! Where’s Steven?
Velma: In the basement.
Ralph: You heard the lady. You know where to go.
Alysa: I just… oh, god…
Alysa runs to the basement.
Tammi: Leave the door open!
Alysa closes the door behind her.
Tammi: I said -
Teri: Don’t worry, you’ll be a grandmother soon enough.
Tammi: Don’t even joke!
Ralph: So do we think she’s heard the news?
Teri: I don’t know Ralph, does it look like she’s heard?
Ralph: I was being sarcastic.
Teri: Well, when you have to deal with people as dense as Frank, it’s sometimes hard to tell.
In the basement…
Steven: Alysa! It’s so good to see you! I was so worried when you didn’t reply to any of my messages since last night. You look beautiful!
Alysa: I look like a mess!
Steven: What’s the matter?
Alysa: It’s my parents. They told me last night, they’re getting divorced.
Steven: Oh, right.
Alysa: Right? If I didn’t know better, I’d think you already knew.
Steven: I sort of did. Grandma Betty overheard your mom talking about it a few days ago.
Alysa: You can’t be serious! You knew it was happening and didn’t tell me?
Steven: I didn’t think it was my place to tell you. That news shouldn’t come from me.
Alysa: You are the person I care most about in this world, who I should be able to trust before anyone else, who should put me first. Yet even you couldn’t be honest with me?
Steven: If you’d asked, I would have told you. I just didn’t feel the need to break your heart. It kills me to see you sad.
Alysa: I’m even more sad now.
Steven: Please don’t be upset. I’m sorry! I just didn’t know how I could possibly bring that news up to you, and I didn’t think it was my news to share.
Alysa: You’re not completely wrong, but I wish you’d told me. Still… I need someone to comfort me.
Steven: What can I do to help?
Alysa: Just hold me while I cry.
Steven: That’s the least I could do.
Alysa: Damn right it is.
Later that night, at dinner…
Tammi: So, kiddo, how’s Alysa feeling about he big divorce?
Steven: She’s heartbroken. I accidentally let it slip that I already knew about it. She wasn’t happy that I kept it from her. I told her it wasn’t my place to tell her before her parents did. She got over it quickly, I don’t think she had the energy to me upset at me when she was already so upset with her parents.
Frank: Well, that’s far the from first time a woman will be mad at you for something you did.
Teri: Shut up, Frank!
Danielle: You had to know that one was coming.
Steven: Hey, I’ll need you guys to help me with this, but I have an idea.
Teri: A wonderful, awful idea?
Steven: No, just an idea. Alysa is so heartbroken about her parents splitting up, she thought they had the perfect marriage, she didn’t see any signs. What if this is just a hasty, spur of the moment decision they’re going to regret? What if you guys talked to Anita and tried to help her work out her issues and maybe they could get back together.
Betty: No! Why would you want to steal my joy?
Steven: Her parents divorce has stolen Alysa’s joy.
Betty: She’ll get over it. She has you! What do I have?
Karl: Excuse me?
Betty: Besides you, of course.
Cindy: Ahem?
Betty: Fine, you’re all wonderful. However, none of you have a nemesis. I do, and I’ve just watched her finally get her just desserts! Don’t take this from me!
Frank: Am I wonderful?
Betty: Don’t push it!
Steven: All I want is Alysa to be happy. Maybe this won’t work, but it’s worth trying.
Cindy: Honey, it’s really sweet you want to help. However, I don’t think they made the decision to split up their family lightly. They probably put a lot of thought into it, and figured this was the only reasonable choice to make. It’s very sad, but these things happen. It’s not our business.
Teri: I agree. It’s sweet to want to help, but we need to stay out of it. For many reasons, but mostly because that woman terrifies me.
Steven: I guess you guys are right. I’m sure Alysa will be okay. It’s for the best.
The next day, at Anita’s…
Alysa: Mrs. Bellwood, good to see you again, what are you doing here?
Betty: It’s just Betty, we know each other very well. But I’m here to see your mother, actually!
Alysa: Are you sure?
Betty: Unfortunately, yes.
Alysa: I’ll go get her.
Betty: Don’t tell her it’s me. She might get her gun.
Alysa: Oh, she’d ne-
Betty: Trust me. She would.
Anita comes to the door.
Betty: Anita, could I come in?
Anita: Are you here to gloat?
Betty: No, I’ve done enough of that in the past few days, I’m here to be human.
Anita: That’d be a first. Yeah, come on it.
Betty: You know, I’ve never been divorced -
Anita: Good for you!
Betty: I know heartbreak, though. I know that feeling of abandonment and devastation that you must be feeling. We have never been friends, but I’m completely here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on. No strings attached. I need nothing in return. I’m just trying to be there for someone who I think really needs it.
Anita starts crying and hugs Betty, who appears horrified and pats Anita on the shoulder.
Betty: There, there. You will be okay.
Anita: It means so much that you stopped by! Once the word got out, none of those HOA harpies want anything to do with me! I’m tainted. Apparently, divorce is too much of a scandal for them to handle.
Betty: Screw ‘em! They are not worth the energy, or the time. They’re not real friends.
Anita: How sad is it that you are the first person to show up and ask if I’m okay? Lianne dropped off some food and a card. Well, her assistant did, but I’m hoping it was Lianne’s idea initially. No one else has reached out.
Betty: I’m sure Amelia would if she knew what happened. She’s never really keyed in on the goings-on of the neighborhood. She’ll find out in a few months.
Anita: I really hope you know how much this means, Betty. We might not be friends, but this shows your character. I misjudged you.
Betty: Give me a ring whenever you need it. I actually do have one favor to ask, though.
Anita: I knew there was an ulterior motive! Let’s hear it!
Betty: Never, ever, under any circumstances, tell my family about this.
Anita: That’ll be hard, but I can manage that.
Betty: Thank you. My reputation would never recover.
What did you think of the midseason premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!