Our House Season 7 Episode 10 - Our Tailgating

Our House Season 7 Episode 10
Our Tailgating

The Bellwoods are standing outside loading their cars for a trip.

Karl: Betty, we’re going away for an afternoon. Is all of this necessary?

Betty: Of course it is! We need snacks, we need drinks, we need lunch, we need entertainment. We’re tailgating, don’t you forget.

Velma: We’re eating sandwiches in the car before ewe go into the stadium, let’s not insult tailgating by comparing it to that.

Teri: What would we possibly need Scattergories for?

Betty: The drive to Philadelphia is four hours, we need something to do.

Teri: Is that not what the CDs are for?

Betty: The CDs are great, but four hours of just listening to music while we drive isn’t very fun. This gives us something to do! 

Teri: We have phones.

Betty: I have to save the battery to record the game!

Ralph: You do know they’re broadcasting it on television, right?

Betty: But I’ll be in the stadium to record the moment it’s confirmed that the Commanders are going to the Super Bowl for the first time in over thirty years!

Danielle: I’m just sad that the Bears… are the Bears.

Frank: You like the Bears too?

Betty: I don’t even want to hear this! Not on this holy day!

Tammi: Honey, you know you’re not supposed to say things that give the others ammo to mock you about.

Velma: Is it a bad time to say I haven’t cared for football since Joe Montana retired?

Karl: Joe Montana? How old were you then?

Velma: My twenties. I had the biggest crush on him. Now THAT was a man.

Mitchell: I feel like that was meant as an insult towards me.

Velma: You don’t have to think. It absolutely was.

Teri: Is there a reason we’re all standing around just yapping instead of getting on the road?

Jerry: We’re waiting for someone.

Teri: Who would that be? Everyone’s here, even Ralph, and he’s not going.

Ralph: Sports are a waste of time.

Teri: I personally prefer women’s basketball, but football’s all right.

Tammi: We’re waiting on my brother.

Teri: We’re not all taking one car. How about your five wait for him and then then rest of us can take off? It’s a long drive, I’d like to get it over with ASAP.

Cindy: It wouldn’t be the worst thing, would it? Who knows how long Zeke will be. We don’t need to hear Teri whining the entire time.

Teri: Finally, my general whiny demeanor gets me a win!

Betty: I don’t want to get too far ahead of you guys, but you won’t be too long, right?

Jerry: I wouldn’t bet on it. But just go, we all know where we’re going, we’ll all get there eventually.

Karl: Okay, we’ll see you guys later. Here are your tickets just in case you can’t find us, we’ll see you in four hours!

Jerry: Give or take.

Fifteen minutes later…

Amelia: I’m sorry we took so long!

Frank: It is understandable, though, you did have to walk one entire yard to get here.

Amelia: Hey, it’s not me.

Zeke: Can you stop nagging me?

Cindy: No one was nagging you, Zeke.

Zeke: You’re nagging me right now!

Tammi: No one said anything to you.

Zeke: Can we just go?

Jerry: Get in the car, we’ve all been waiting.

Zeke: We all have to go in the same car?

Tammi: It’s a minivan. We’ll fit.

Zeke: I don’t do minivans.

Tammi: How much have you been drinking?

Amelia: He’s fine, he just gets like this sometimes. He worked a double shift yesterday, he’s just exhausted.

Cindy: I agree, let’s all just get in the car so we can have this fun day together.

Tammi: What’s in the bag?

Zeke: Don’t worry about it.

Tammi: Is it alcohol?

Zeke: Who made you hall monitor?

Tammi: Well, it’s my car. So I did.

Frank: Our car. I’m the one that’s gotta drive it today.

Tammi: And thank god you are, because my nerves are already shot.

Steven: I’m so glad Alysa hates football.

Frank: Wasn’t she a cheerleader? What kinda cheerleader hates football?

Steven: She was never a cheerleader. Her mom just tried to make her audition to be one. She never auditioned, she just told her mom she did and didn’t make the cut.

Frank: Very sneaky! I like it!

Tammi: Don’t listen to him, never lie to your mother. That’s how you end up like him.

Zeke: I might be lightly buzzed, but I can see you pointing directly at me.

Tammi: Lightly?

Jerry: Everyone, get in the car. Now.

Tammi: Will do!

Frank: Yeah, it’s four hours to Pennsylvania!

Zeke: You know, I’ve never been to Pennsylvania before.

Cindy: Yeah you have. We took you to see the Liberty Bell when you were ten.

Zeke: Oh, that’s right. I forgot.

Tammi: Shocking.

Zeke: Are you implying something?

Tammi: What could I possibly be implying?

Thirty minutes later…

Zeke: Frank, I need to use the bathroom.

Jerry: Already? We just left. We’re barely out of Henrico County!

Tammi: Shockingly, when you drink six cans of beer and half a bottle of tequila in a half hour, it makes you have to pee.

Frank: He drank how much?

Zeke: She exaggerates.

Frank: I’d hope so!

Zeke: I barely even drink anymore, this is a special occasion, I get a free pass.

Amelia: He’s right, he doesn’t drink much at all.

Tammi: Yeah, and grandma barely gossips.

Zeke: Do you have to be such a bitch?

Tammi: Excuse me?

Frank: Don’t. Not in my car.

Steven: Dad, can you out on my music? Make it very loud.

Frank: I don’t care for the song about the apple.

Steven: Oh, crap, did grandma’s CDs get mixed up with mine?

Cindy: Grandma listens to Charli XCX?

Steven: She listens to everything, except anything good. And, wait, how do you know who Charli XCX is?

Cindy: I work at a school, I have to keep up with the TikTok trends.

Tammi: Hey, my brother just called me a bitch if anyone cares?

Steven: I’m trying to keep some peace.

Zeke: I wouldn’t call you one if you didn’t act like one!

Tammi: That’s enough! Frank, find a McDonald’s so he can pee and I can cool off.

Frank: I think that’s wise.

Jerry: I need a cigarette.

Frank: Since when do you smoke?

Jerry: Since I got in this car.

Ten minutes later…

Betty: So, they’re at McDonald’s.

Teri: They needed to eat already?

Betty: Not quite.

Danielle: Someone thirsty?

Velma: Drug deal? Wow, it’s always the ones you last expect.

Teri: Zeke is the one you’d last expect?

Velma: I forgot he was even in the car.

Betty: Yeah, well, Cindy hasn’t.

Karl: What’s wrong? Clearly something is.

Betty: Zeke’s been drinking.

Teri: And water’s wet.

Betty: He’s fighting with Tammi, and it’s a big mess. They’ll meet us when they meet us. Cindy says it shouldn’t be long until they’re back on the road.

Teri: I’m still trying to figure out how McDonald’s got involved in this.

Betty: That I’m unsure about.

Meanwhile…

Frank: Can we all get back in the car, please? We have a game to get to, I’m not missing this one.

Zeke: Tammi, I apologize.

Tammi: And I accept.

Frank: See, all better.

Cindy: You should be a therapist, Frank.

Frank: I appreciate that. I do watch Frasier.

Cindy: Jerry, put that damn cigarette out and get in the car!

Steven: Oh, grandma said the d word, she’s mad!

Jerry: I’m not gonna waste it!

Cindy: That’s your fourth one in a row! Get in!

Jerry: Fine…

Cindy: Thank you.

Later that day…

Betty: Where are they?

Karl: I don’t know, Betty.

Betty: I’m worried.

Karl: I know, Betty.

Betty: Are we going to miss the game?

Karl: No, Betty.

Mitchell: I’m not missing the game. Who knows if we’ll ever see the Commanders back here again. Took ‘em thirty years to get this far!

Karl: No one is missing the game. They all have their tickets, they know where to go.

Teri: Have we tried calling them?

Betty: I’m saving my phone battery! I texted them where to meet us, got no response.

Teri: You can use mine.

Velma: In the meantime, maybe we can just get to our seats? I don’t want to miss it.

Betty: I was hoping we could all tailgate together.

Karl: We ate over an hour ago, the tailgating’s done.

Mitchell: That one guy gave me a hot dog.

Velma: I can’t believe you ate that. He probably dropped that on the ground.

Danielle: Knowing how frugal the two of you are, I can believe he ate it. He’s probably saving his sandwich for dinner now so he doesn’t have to pay when we all go out for cheesesteaks.

Mitchell: How’d you know?

Danielle: Lucky guess.

Elsewhere in the parking lot…

Cindy: How do you lose a person?

Tammi: I don’t know but we did.

Steven: We lost two people, actually.

Cindy: Steven, no one cares about Amelia.

Steven: Yeah, I can tell.

Frank: He got out of the car, said he had to go find some beer, and that was it.

Cindy: He hasn’t responded to any of my phone calls. Not one!

Frank: He’s probably doing some keg stands with some frat guys while they harass Eagles fans.

Cindy: I would support the second half of that. Not the first!

Jerry: I need another cigarette.

Cindy: What is with you today?

Jerry: This family.

Cindy: That’s not good for your MS.

Jerry: Neither is… this family.

Cindy: Low blow! Very, very low!

Frank: So no one has any idea where they are?

Tammi: It’s a pretty large parking lot, Frank.

Frank: I’m just asking a question.

Tammi: Today has been a disaster. I’m just here to watch my team get destroyed by the Philadelphia Eagles, why does he have to ruin that?

Cindy: I don’t think he’s trying to ruin it.

Tammi: You defend him too much.

Jerry: Cigarettes aren’t enough, I need a Xanax.

Cindy: Since when do you take Xanax?

Jerry: Since I got out of that car.

Frank: What time is it?

Cindy: Two thirty.

Frank: Well, we’re only ninety minutes late, that’s not that bad.

Tammi: Kickoff is in a half hour, I’m not missing it. We need to go.

Cindy: But your brother!

Tammi: It’s called consequences, mom. He’s acting like an ass and ruining this day for all of us, missing the game is his consequence.

Man: Boo! Commanders suck!

Tammi: And I hope your Eagles fly into an airplane turbine.

Cindy: All right, I can tell you’re not in the mood today, and I understand why. You have a point, let’s just get into the game. We can find him later. By the way, Jerry, I’m sure my mom’s got plenty of Xanax, you can have one then.

Jerry: Sounds good to me.

Thirty minutes later…

Betty: Finally! Just in time!

Teri: Where’s Zeke and whatshername?

Tammi: Don’t even get us started.

Betty: What happened? Did you guys argue some more?

Tammi: He just wandered off. Looking for booze or whatever. He was so drunk, he barely even knew what he was doing. I’m glad he’s not here.

Cindy: Don’t say that.

Tammi: It’s true!

Steven: I agree, I hate when he gets like that.

Mitchell: Hey, it’s starting, quiet.

Betty: Now I’m gonna spend the entire game wondering what happened!

Tammi: There’s really not much more to it. Just more drunken antics, following a drunken, uncomfortable car ride where we had to keep stopping so he could go to the bathroom or buy more booze.

Teri: So does he have his tickets or no?

Cindy: No, Frank had all our tickets.

Teri: Oh, he’s gonna love that.

Velma: Philly has a lot of great bars, I’m sure he’ll go find a good sports bar to watch the game at. In fact, he’ll probably be happier there.

Frank: Only time will tell!

Three hours later…

Teri: Well, that was a bummer.

Betty: So close!

Teri: They lost by other thirty points. They were closer to getting zero points than they were to beating the Eagles.

Betty: But they were only one game away from the Super Bowl!

Teri: Yes, one game they lost in a blowout. Glad that’s clarified.

Tammi: All right, I guess we’ll see you guys tonight.

Danielle: Aren’t you guys stopping for cheesesteaks with us?

Tammi: We already got cheesesteaks, Zeke demanded we stop on the way and Frank complied to avoid a meltdown.

Teri: Oh my god, he’s a nightmare. And for once, I’m not talking about Frank.

Frank: Thank you.

Teri: Don’t let it go to your head.

Ten minutes later…

Zeke: What the hell?

Amelia: Don’t… calm down.

Zeke: No, they left us behind!

Tammi: We left you behind because you wandered off with a half-hour until the game. We weren’t about to miss it!

Zeke: You didn’t mind if I missed it!

Tammi: It was your own fault!

Jerry: Everyone, get in the car. We’re making a scene. Do you know how trashy we have to look for a bunch of Philadelphia Eagles fans to think we’re acting nuts?

Zeke: Am I not allowed to -

Jerry: I said get in the car!

Zeke: Fine…

Jerry: Yeah, damn right “fine.”

Cindy: In the car, everyone, nice and calm, nice and easy. It’ll be a good ride home, we can mourn the loss together.

Zeke: They lost?

Tammi: You would’ve known if you hadn’t wandered off in search of alcohol!

Jerry: I said get in the car!

Thirty minutes later…

Cindy: I sense tension in the air. Are we going to talk about this?

Zeke: You are all a bunch of rude, disgusting, abandoning, traitors!

Tammi: Oh my god!

Zeke: Listen, you bitch -

Tammi: Don’t even! Not again!

Jerry: I don’t have the energy for this. I have smoked like thirty cigarettes today and I took three Xanax, that takes a lot out of you!

Frank: All right, Jerry, I think you’re turning into a French woman.

Jerry: C’est la vie.

Zeke: Dad, you don’t even care about me! When do you ever reach out?

Jerry: I reach out plenty, you’re just always so drunk, you forget! Do you know how much work it is to put up with someone like that?

Amelia: I don’t think he meant to -

Zeke: Don’t tell anyone how I feel. I can speak for myself, it’s your fault this happened at all!

Amelia: How, may I ask?

Zeke: You were the one that wanted to go for a walk.

Amelia: That’s a lie! You wanted alcohol! I just went along for the ride.

Tammi: I don’t really care whose “fault” it is. Non one could find you, you didn’t respond to texts or calls, we moved on. These were expensive tickets, we weren’t all missing the game and losing that money because of you acting stupid!

Zeke: You are the mot judgmental prick I’ve ever met. It’s no wonder you’re mom and dad’s favorite!

Jerry: What does that mean?

Zeke: You always give her special treatment!

Jerry: She acts normal, so I treat her normal. I don’t need to be in constant fear she’s drunk when I speak to her! God, you are nuts!

Cindy: Everyone stop! This is too much!

Zeke: And you! You are like a dishrag, you let them manipulate you and believe anything about me!

Steven: I don’t like this! Can you pull the care over, I need air.

Zeke: Stay out of it, you little brat.

Frank: That’s enough. You will either stop, or you will get out of my car. You’re berated your sister, you’ve berated your father, you’ve berated your mother, you’ve berated your girlfriend, you’ve berated me, and worst of all, you’ve berated your nephew. All for the behavior that was the fault of YOU and you alone. Knock it the hell off, I’m not going to listen to this.

Zeke: You can’t make me get out, you fatass!

Frank: That’s enough. Get out.

Zeke: I hate you people!

Frank: I said get out!

Cindy: No! Stop! Everyone knock it off!

Frank: I’m not dealing with this! He’s out of line, he’s in my vehicle, this is done. Let him walk home for all I care. I hear Philadelphia’s lovely.

Amelia: Can I get out, too?

Frank: You sure?

Amelia: I’m sure.

Jerry: This has been the trip from hell.

Frank: Not your fault at all, or anyone else’s but you-know-who. No one else should eat themselves up about this. God, I’m pissed. 

Four hours later…

Ralph: So, how was the game?

Tammi: Don’t ask!

Ralph: I already regret it.

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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