Aimee rushes into her office and slams the door behind her.
Denise: Aimee!
Aimee: I don’t want to talk about it!
Denise: What’s wrong?
Aimee: I said I don’t want to talk about it!
Carolyn: Is this a bad time?
Aimee: Carolyn! I d-
Alec: Denise, what did you do?
Denise: I don’t know what’s wrong.
Aimee: Yes you do!
Alec: It’s definitely looking like it was Denise’s fault.
Denise: It was not Denise’s fault!
Gwen: Ah, kid! Did you lock yourself in your office?
Denise: Where did everyone come from?
Gwen: Well, I work here. I don’t know what the doomed congressman from Illinois and Washington’s favorite insurrectionist are doing here.
Carolyn: I am not an -
Gwen: Can it.
Denise: Oh, crap! I just remembered what today was!
Gwen: Very good, Denise, took you long enough.
Denise: You know, I still worship the ground you walk on -
Carolyn: Why?
Denise: but I see why people think you’re a diva.
Gwen: I adore that word, thank you.
Denise: Aimee! Your meeting couldn’t have gone that badly!
Gwen: Oh, it did.
Carolyn: I still struggle to figure out why the White House invited you to a bipartisan bicameral meeting, Gardenia. You scream at Republicans like it’s your day job.
Gwen: Well, it’s one of the perks of the job. You know what I like to say, the only “bi” I like are bisexuals. They love me!
Aimee opens her office door.
Carolyn: Ah! She graces us with her presence!
Gwen: She looks like me the night I had to open up Les Miserables five minutes after they told me I was fired.
Denise: Someone fired you from a musical?
Gwen: ’Twas a different time.
Aimee: That was the single-most humiliating moment of my life.
Gwen: It wasn’t that bad, kid!
Aimee: Don’t call me kid!
Gwen: I’m old enough to be your mother. You’re “kid” to me.
Carolyn: Eh…
Gwen: Don’t push it, Roy.
Carolyn: Sorry.
Alec: What happened? I wasn’t invited.
Aimee: You weren’t invited because… I won’t say it, that’d be mean.
Alec: No, say it.
Carolyn: They only invited important people. Swing votes, Appropriations chairs, party leaders… not us.
Alec: You were a party leader!
Carolyn: For a time. Now I’m past my prime, apparently, just ask Victor.
Aimee: He asked about you today! He said he hasn’t seen you lately.
Carolyn: For good reason.
Gwen: Aimee, you -
Carolyn: I can’t get past this friendship, I’m sorry. How’d you two get so close?
Gwen: I see a lost soul, I try to guide it. I joke about hating your party, but I’ve made great bonds with people across the aisle. At the end of the day, I want to do what I can to make sure everyone in the Senate is comfortable, happy, and operating at one-hundred percent. I knew Aimee needed a little pick-me-up, needed a Senate buddy. I’m always happy to help.
Carolyn: That’s actually a bit sweet.
Alec: You won’t be close with her like me, Carolyn and Lynette are!
Carolyn: Where is Lynette, by the way? I don’t see her much anymore.
Aimee: She got elected to the Senate, Carolyn.
Carolyn: Oh, right! We’d have to actually make an effort to find her so she can come join us on our little visits. Nah. Aimee sees enough of her, I’m sure.
Gwen: Yes, what a sweet group of friends!
Denise: So what happened in your meeting?
Aimee: Oh, right! Gwen?
Gwen: You too scared to share with the class?
Aimee: Too mortified.
Gwen: Oh, the president made fun of her.
Denise: He what?
Gwen: Mocked her repeatedly. Any time she spoke, he said it back in a mocking tone. He didn’t listen to anything she said, just sort of steamrolled over her. Oh, and he called her “useless.”
Aimee: Sure did!
Carolyn: That feels like poor political instinct.
Aimee: You’re the one who voted for him!
Alec: We all voted for him!
Gwen: Who is we? I’d rather behead myself than vote for a Republican. No offense.
Aimee: He also cut me off a few times. He’s got a real gift for winning people over. I definitely want to vote for his tax cut bill now!
Gwen: The fact that he thinks this Congress would ever pass a tax cut really goes to show you how much he knows about politics.
Denise: I wouldn’t get upset about any of this. The President’s actions say a lot more about him than about you.
Alec: Yeah, Aimee. It’s sort of a badge of honor to be hated by that pompous douchebag!
Carolyn: Hey now! He’s still the president and the leader of our party at the end of the day.
Alec: Are you for real?
Carolyn: I just believe in respecting the office.
Aimee: You’re lucky I like you, or I’d hit you.
Gwen: If I’m being honest, I think it’s pretty cool that the President made an ass out of himself just to try to make you look bad. He’s horrid! Be glad you have him pressed!
Aimee: When you put it that way…
There is a knock at the door.
Gwen: Someone’s popular today!
Carolyn: We should get going, Alec. We have a lot to do in the House.
Alec: Like what?
Carolyn: I don’t know, I was just looking for an excuse to leave.
Aimee: I don’t know who this is at the door -
Carolyn: Probably just Lynette.
Alec: We should take the window out, then, no?
Carolyn: It’s September, surely Aimee’s got a Halloween mask lying around for us to throw on.
Alec: Who else would wear Louboutins in the Senate?
Carolyn: Sorry I’m stylish, I’ll try not to be in the future. Also, why are you looking at my feet?
Denise: No, we’re not talking about feet! Out!
Gwen: Don’t have to tell me twice.
Aimee: I just hope they’re not also here to talk about that presidential meeting. I’ve talked enough about that for a lifetime.
Carolyn: And just think, Victoria and Dave will surely be asking about it tonight!
Alec: Why would you say that to her?
Carolyn: Just preparing her!
Greg: Aimee, can we come in?
Carolyn: Mr. Majority Leader! So nice to see you!
Greg: Who are you, again?
Carolyn: Carolyn Mackenzie Roy, former Chair of the House Republican Conference.
Greg: Uh-huh.
Alec: Aww, he has no clue who you are.
Greg: But I know who you are!
Carolyn: Of course you do.
Greg: I did not agree with your impeachment vote -
Aimee: We’re aware.
Greg: but I have to admire the chutzpah.
Alec: Why, thank you!
Aimee: They’d really better get going! They’re so busy in the House.
Gwen: I’m not busy at all, I just don’t want to be around the three of you.
Geraldine: The feeling’s mutual, Gardenia!
Senator Harry Adelian: Is she gonna scream “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” at us again?
Gwen: Aww, look, the minority whip is mouthing off. Sad, sad tears of a clown.
Greg: Could we have a little bit of privacy, please?
Gwen: Oooh, gonna get steamy!
Aimee: Please don’t.
Geraldine: How do you put up with her?
Aimee: It’s still early in our friendship, I might not be able to if she keeps up like this.
Gwen: I heard that!
Aimee: Oh, I know.
Aimee closes the door of her office.
Greg: Finally, a bit of privacy.
Geraldine: We have a favor to ask.
Aimee: I figured something was up if I got the whole team visiting me. What did I do? Did the President send you?
Greg: No, he doesn’t really care about what we do. It’s not like we ever send him anything to sign.
Aimee: That’s true.
Greg: Well, you send him things. You love to vote with the Democrats
Harry: Greg…
Greg: I’m only speaking the truth!
Aimee: I’m bipartisan, it’s part of my brand.
Geraldine: I appreciate it. You’re just representing your state, they’re not going to want a senator as conservative as any of us.
Greg: Harry is barely even a conservative.
Geraldine: Anyway…
Greg: Oh, right! Business to tend to!
Aimee: Yes! Why, exactly, are you here? You only ever talk to me when I messed up or when you need something.
Geraldine: You’re close!
Greg: You know the farm bill that the Democrats are bringing up for a vote?
Aimee: The one on my desk? Yeah.
Greg: It’s terrible for our donors and they want it voted down. Senator Stowe is intent on voting for it and won’t budge. We need you to sway a Democrat to vote against it.
Geraldine: Winifred Shelby is the most, uh… what’s the word?
Harry: Feeble-minded?
Geraldine: I was going to say persuadable, but sure.
Aimee: I haven’t even read it, what if I want to support it?
Greg: I can’t let you do that?
Geraldine: Oh, that was the wrong thing to say.
Aimee: Let me?
Greg: I need you to…
Aimee: I am burying that anger within and I will allow you to talk without doing the thing I’d like to do to your face right now.
Greg: You’e likable, you have a way with people. Could you please talk to Senator Shelby and try to get her to vote against the bill?
Aimee: I don’t know how I could ever get her to do that. She’s flighty, but she tows the party line reliably.
Harry: You made Washington vote for a Republican. You can get it done.
Aimee: That was really more my opponent than it was me.
Geraldine: Just convince her that it’s bad for Vermont somehow. Tell her that polls show Vermont is opposed to subsidizing organic farming. She would probably believe you if you just show her a pretty graph “confirming” it.
Greg: Oh, uh, one more quick thing…
Aimee: What?
Greg: They say -
Geraldine: Don’t tell her this.
Greg: What? Why not?
Geraldine: It’s insane.
Aimee: Well, now I need to know.
Greg: They say that Winifred is a witch.
Geraldine: It’s sexism, plain and simple.
Greg: I don’t know… there have been many strange incidences.
Geraldine: You’re insane.
Aimee: I’ll keep all that in mind.
Aimee knocks on Senator Shelby’s door.
Winifred: Come on in, the door’s open! Senator Turner and I were just talking about the new ADA bill.
Aimee: Oh, it’s so nice to meet you, Senator Turner!
Senator Sally Turner: You’ve met me before! And you’ve met my interpreter, Jacob!
Aimee: Was that at orientation? I have to admit, I was heavily pregnant, heavily overwhelmed, and processing almost nothing. I forgot where they even told us the bathrooms were that day, that was information I wish I’d absorbed.
Winifred: Senator Turner is the first deaf senator ever, she’s really an inspiration.
Sally: That doesn’t mean you can talk smack about me, though! I’ll find out!
Aimee: I wouldn’t dream of it. I only talk smack about the annoying senators, like my dear friend Lynette Chafee.
Sally: Oh, she is annoying.
Winifred: Have you heard that her dad was Vice President?
Sally: I’m deaf and I’ve managed to hear it!
Winifred: So, Senator Ferrera Donahue, what brings you here today? I don’t see you very often!
Aimee: Oh, um… could we talk in private?
Sally: I won’t eavesdrop, I promise.
Aimee: Oh… that… that’s not something I’m comfortable taking advantage of.
Sally: I’m kidding! I’ll go!
Winifred: She’s got a good sense of humor about it, senator, don’t be afraid to joke around with her about it.
Aimee: I’ll refrain from that until we get to know each other better.
Sally leaves the room.
Aimee: So, senator, I wanted to ask your thoughts on that farm bill.
Winifred: The one up for a vote this week?
Aimee: Is there another one?
Winifred: Just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page here.
Aimee: I know your party’s pushing it, but have you seen how unpopular it is? I mean, we all love farmers, but prioritizing organic farming… it just seems like it’ll backfire. Vermont certainly won’t support that.
Winifred: How do you know?
Aimee: Washington and Vermont are really similar. No one back home that I’ve spoken to is for this. They’ve said it’s just going to benefit the rich farmers in California, not the small farms in our states.
Winifred: I don’t know, I think it has some good provisions.
Aimee: That’s all just to sweeten the deal, make us overlook what it’ll do in the end. You really want the California elites to win? They think they’re better than our states.
Winifred: Okay…
Aimee: I know I sound crazy, I just needed to talk to someone I trust. I feel like they’re trying to bamboozle us.
Winifred: I have to be honest, I feel like you’re the one trying to bamboozle me.
Aimee: What? No!
Winifred: I don’t dislike you, but we really don’t talk ever, and now you come in here, probably with marching orders from your party, trying to sway me against supporting this bill, because you know it has the votes to pass. Let me guess, they told you I was unstable?
Aimee: No one told me anything!
Winifred: Look, I’m eccentric, I’m old, people think they can pull one over on me. They can’t! I’m voting for the big, thank you for coming to talk. You’re welcome back any time!
Aimee: I thank you for your time.
Later that day…
Aimee: Dave!
Dave: What’s up? Where are you?
Aimee: Honey, I need you to pick me up.
Dave: What happened?
Aimee: My car stalled. I called AAA, they said that, due to some freak incident, they can’t get anyone out to help me until tomorrow morning.
Dave: Oh my god! Are you still at the Capitol?
Aimee: Yeah, sure am.
Dave: I’ll be right there!
One hour later…
Victoria: I was so scared for you!
Aimee: Why?
Victoria: Well, being helpless and alone in the dark…
Aimee: I was in my car, I wasn’t in danger.
Dave: I’m just really shocked that happened, that’s a new car.
Aimee: Even new cars can be lemons.
Victoria: Or you were cursed.
Aimee: Huh?
Victoria: Think about it. You’re a very powerful woman, and you’ve annoyed some other very powerful people in your job. Suddenly, your new car breaks down after only having it two months? I don’t buy it!
Aimee: I’m glad you think I’m powerful, but I don’t think I’m the sort of person that anyone’s going to bother to curse.
Victoria: Who have you upset lately?
Aimee: No one! Well, I think I annoyed Senator Shelby, but she’s not insane or anything. She didn’t “curse” me.
Victoria: You annoyed the witch?
Aimee: Not you, too.
Dave: I’m lost.
Victoria: You always are.
Dave: Uncalled for.
Victoria: Senator Winifred Shelby is heavily rumored to practice witchcraft. She lives on a mystical compound in rural Vermont, apparently she meets with groups of women of similar ages. Plus, just look at her…
Dave: Maybe she just belongs to a book club?
Aimee: Or she’s a lesbian?
Victoria: No, she’s a witch, and she cursed you! She’s very strong, clearly, if she can break AAA…
Aimee: In have to go see my kids, it’s been a long day and I don’t have time for insanity.
Victoria: You can say it’s insane all you want, I know the truth!
The next morning…
Aimee: Ahhhhh!!!!
Dave: What? What’s wrong? Is someone in the house?
Aimee: My hair!
Dave: Honey, what’s wrong with y- oh my god!
Aimee: I know!
Victoria: Do I need to get the gun? What the hell’s the matter down there?
Aimee: Don’t come down! I’m hideous!
Victoria: Oh, come on, we all look a little rough in the morn- oh my god!~
Aimee: I’m gray!
Victoria: Fifty shades of it.
Aimee: You might as well just call me Ellen Pompeo!
Dave: You look beautiful, sweetheart.
Aimee: I look like a grandmother!
Dave: That’s not true!
Victoria: He’s right. Your grandmother didn’t go gray until her late sixties.
Dave: Not helpful!
Victoria: This is the curse!
Dave: Not this again…
Aimee: I think she might be onto something. The car, the hair, my favorite show not recording last night, chipping my tooth on that bone in the stew last night…
Dave: You chipped your tooth?
Aimee: Just a little. You can barely notice it.
Dave: You need to get to a dentist.
Aimee: I’m a grown woman, I’m not going to run to the doctor at the first sign of trouble. Especially not now! With this curse, I’d probably never wake up from the anesthesia they’d put me under.
Dave: You aren’t cursed.
Victoria: She’s cursed
Aimee: I’m gonna call mom, maybe she can help me figure out how to reverse this.
Victoria: I don’t know if I’d risk that the phone might blow up on your ear.
Dave: I think she’ll be okay.
Aimee picks up the phone and calls Cherie.
Aimee: Mom!
Cherie: Honey! What’s wrong? It’s four AM!
Aimee: Oh, crap, I forgot!
Cherie: Yeah, you sure did.
Ernesto: Is something the matter? What did Jimmy do?
Kimmy: Nothing!
Ernesto: Where’d that come from?
Kimmy: I’m outside your door, I was just heading to bed.
Ernesto: What a horrific sentence hear from your daughter at four in the morning.
Kimmy: I wasn’t doing anything, I was just binging the new season of Sex Education.
Cherie: Don’t be vulgar.
Kimmy: No, it’s a show.
Ernesto: There’s a show called Sex Education?
Kimmy: On Netflix!
Ernesto: Of course.
Aimee: You guys all sound chipper for four in the morning.
Ernesto: Well, your mother does make us go to bed at ten, so we’ve already got six hours of sleep.
Cherie: You never mentioned what’s going on with you. I won’t complain, but what’s up with you?
Aimee: I’ve been cursed by a witch.
Cherie: Honey, slap me. I have to be dreaming.
Ernesto: I’m not committing domestic abuse. You’ll just have to trust that you are awake and that our daughter really is losing it.
Kimmy: I am not!
Ernesto: I didn’t mean you! But go to bed!
Aimee: I upset a senator who people say is a witch and now bad things keep happening to me. My car broke down, I chipped a tooth, now my hair went gray.
Ernesto: Your hair is gray?
Cherie: The hell do you mean “people say she’s a witch?”
Aimee: It’s a rumor I’ve heard.
Cherie: What is happening in DC?
Aimee: It’s a weird place. But what the heck am I going to do?
Ernesto: Ask her nicely to stop?
Cherie: I mean, yeah. Do that.
Aimee: You don’t seem to have much to say, mom.
Cherie: I’m so tired. I’m still sort of in disbelief about all of this if I’m being honest. I thought you were my most normal child.
Kimmy: I heard that!
Ernesto: I said go to bed!
Aimee: All right, I’m gonna let you all get back to sleep. Thanks for the… uh… advice?
Cherie: Don’t have to tell me twice. Night!
Two hours later…
Lynette: Hey, Aimee! Nice Halloween wig! It’s a month early, but I appreciate getting in the spirit.
Aimee: Lynette, I don’t have time for this. Shelby! I see you down the hall! You have t-
Winifred: Oh my god! No way!
Aimee: Yes way! I look like Latina Bea Arthur! You did it to me!
Winifred: I don’t know what you mean.
Aimee: You put a curse on me.
Winifred: I find it generally distasteful when people insinuate that Republicans are insane. However…
Aimee: Don’t gaslight me. I know you’re a witch!
Winifred: Oh, you’ve heard the rumors? Will you leave me alone if I tell you I’ll reverse the curse.
Aimee: Only if you mean it.
Winifred: I mean it!
Aimee: Well, thanks! I guess I’ll get going and wait for my hair to turn back. Right?
Winifred: Yeah… sure.
Aimee: Thank you, I’m glad we cleared this up!
Aimee walks away.
Winifred: What a freaking nut.
