Our House Season 6 Premiere - Our Fall Run, Yet Again

Our House Season 6, Episode 1
Our Fall Run, Yet Again

Betty rushes through the front door.

Betty: You guys! It’s time!

The entire family rushes into the living room.

Cindy: Oh my god!

Ralph: I am SO excited!

Teri: This is the best time of the year!

Karl: Man, this year’s flown by, huh?

Danielle: The summer, especially. Feels like just yesterday, Tammi was crying about Steven being at camp. Now it’s time for th-

Frank: What are we talking about?

Betty: You freakin’ idiot!

Frank: What?

Jerry: It’s the Fall Run, jackass!

Frank: Oh my god, I didn’t even think of that.

Jerry: Hence why I called you a jackass.

Tammi: Dad, is that necessary?

Jerry: I take the Fall Run very seriously.

Betty: We all do. Our status as four-time undefeated champions is very important to all of us.

Teri: I love this competition, but I also recognize that caring so much makes us common HOA gutter trash just like Anita.

Betty: That is not true!

Velma: Oh, it definitely is.

Betty: How so? She wants to win so she can make other people feel bad and make herself feel superior. We do it because it’s fun.

Ralph: You just mentioned the importance of our status as four-time undefeated champions.

Betty: Because we’re damn good and we should talk about it!

Ralph: See, that’s something Anita would say.

Betty: You people are delusional.

Teri: Admit it, mom. It feels good to win sometimes. It’s human nature.

Ralph: Michael Jackson over here.

Teri: It’s true! Winning feels nice!

Jerry: It sure does, and we’re going to do it again today.

Betty: That’s the spirit! So how are we planning on winning again?

Karl: This isn’t the Olympics, we don’t really have to train.

Betty: Don’t have to train? It’s been a year, we’re rusty!

Cindy: It’s not like anything we do in the Fall Run consists of any actual skills. My responsibility every year is carving a pumpkin, with the help of TWO other people!

Betty: You can do something else this year.

Cindy: No! It’s easy, I don’t have to stress, and I have the skill. I like it this way.

Betty: Okay, so I’ll mark you down for pumpkin carving. Who else wants what? I’ll grab the signup chart, let’s get ourselves prepared!

Mitchell: I want to do whatever it is that I won’t have to prepare for at all. I can deal with one day of this, I’m not putting a week of effort into it and you people are nuts about this.

Frank: We need you for the tug-of-war, you’re one of the biggest and strongest guys here.

Mitchell: Oh? Thanks!

Velma: Don’t let his size fool you, that’s not muscle.

Tammi: See, Steven. Love is not all it’s cut out to be.

Velma: She’s not wrong.

Steven: Can I do t-

Betty: I’m just going to list each activity and ask for volunteers. I’m already getting confused because you guys are all over the place. We’ll start with the mile run.

Steven: I want it!

Betty: Are you not carving the pumpkin with your mom and grandma?

Steven: I started track and field this year, I’m ready for this.

Frank: He is our youngest and most agile, I think this will be good for us.

Betty: All right, Steven, I got you down. Who else?

Frank: I’ve been the star of this competition, let’s be honest.

Betty: Ugh… fine.

Tammi: She said that because she knows it’s true, babe!

Betty: Don’t say “babe,” you’re not Sonny and Cher.

Jerry: As someone with milit-

Betty: All right, we have our team for the mile run.

Jerry: Am I not going to get to talk?

Betty: We knew where that was going.

Terri: We really did.

Betty: We accept it, Perry, just take the win and let me move on to the trivia dunk tank.

Karl: That’s mine! I’m too old for everything else, but my mind’s still sharper than ever!

Betty: And who will be our softball champs?

Velma: I’m always a star ball player, we know that.

Mitchell: No one make any crude comments. I know you’re all thinking them.

Velma: You didn’t have to tell on yourself like that.

Betty: So who besides Velma wants t-

Danielle: This usually entails the least effort. I’ll do it.

Betty: Okay, I’d like a bit more enthusiasm, but that’ll do! Moving on to the obstacle course.

Tammi: I want it. I can nail this.

Teri: I guess I’ll do this one.

Betty: I said enthusiasm!

Teri: Okay, Larry David. I’ll gladly do this one! Service with a smile!

Ralph: What kind of obstacle course is this?

Teri: One set up in twenty minutes with whatever they found at Walmart.

Ralph: Okay, I’ll do it then.

Betty: None of you sound excited for this!

Teri: I’m not hearing you signing up for anything!

Betty: None of these play to my skill set.

Teri: Good excuse!

Betty: So, tug-of-war! Mitchell, I know you want that one.

Mitchell: Sure.

Betty: Who else?

Frank: Me and Jerry. That gives us the best chance to win.

Betty: Don’t get bossy. I agree. But don’t get bossy. Now, I want this next one… lawn bowling!

Velma: As a Pink Lady, I want to do that one!

Teri: Me too!

Betty: Okay! We’re an award-winning bowling team, we’re gonna crush it!

Danielle: I feel left out.

Teri: Only three slots! Maybe next time!

Betty: Okay, our last one… pumpkin carving.

Teri: Cindy has to do this one!

Cindy: Yeah, I think I made that much clear.

Betty: Who else?

Steven: I’ll do it again with mom and grandma. We always have fun.

Betty: Okay, good in my book. We’re all signed up, we know what to prepare for. Two weeks to go!

Cindy: All right, back to making dinner now that this is done.

Teri: Finally, something productive. This sure is fun, but not when mom overcomplicates things.

Two weeks later…

Betty: Okay, team! We’ve done as much preparations as we could, we are in fine shape to take on this task! I’m so proud of us!

Teri: Thanks, coach!

Ralph: She watched Friday Night Lights just to prepare herself for this moment.

Jerry: I’m supposed to be our coach in this, how’d I lose my gig?

Betty: You’re not blindly motivated by hate for our opponents like I am.

Jerry: Is that what it takes to be a coach?

Betty: I’m not really a coach, we don’t have a coach. I’m just, you know, the one giving the pep talks, because we can use them!

Karl: We have a lot of pep.

Ralph: How can we not, after two weeks of her screaming “We need to beat Anita!” at us?

Betty: We need to! She is the devil and she’ll never let us live it down!

Ralph: Uh-huh.

Karl: If we could all get in the car so we could get to the Fall Run at all, that’d be great.

Teri: That’s gonna be a while. Look at us. Velma’s not even dressed.

Velma: I am so!

Teri: Those are pajama pants.

Velma: It’ll take one minute to get out of them.

Teri: So… do that.

Karl: I’m going to the car. Please don’t make me wait long.

Jerry: You excited for the big mile run, kid?

Steven: Yeah!

Jerry: You don’t sound excited.

Steven: Alysa told me she’s also doing the mile run.

Jerry: Oh boy.

Steven: I’m afraid to try to beat her.

Jerry: Ah, kid, it’s not that serious. She’s not going to dump you if you beat her.

Teri: Yeah, if those two lovebirds on Big Brother could survive getting nominated next to each other, you two kids will be fine!

Tammi: Yes, aunt Teri, base your advice to my son on reality TV.

Teri: Hey, just be glad I did’t bring up anything “woke” I watch like RuPaul’d Drag Race, because if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?

Danielle: Can I get an amen up in here?

Steven: I just don’t want to upset her.

Teri: Ah, he’s back to this. Damn.

Betty: Steven, if you aren’t going to push to win, we’ll have to swap you out for someone else. I’ll do it.

Teri: Mother, you’re eighty. We don’t want you to die.

Betty: I am not!

Teri: Oh, sevent-

Betty: Don’t say it!

Teri: Steven not trying will still run laps around a geriatric woman with a bad back and plantar fasciitis.

Betty: I resent that statement!

Teri: I also resent reality. Alas…

Steven: I’m going to try my best.

Karl: That’s good! Get in the car!

Ralph: Wow, I can’t remember the last time I saw dad acting this uptight.

Karl: I just want to get to this thing so I can study my handy trivia book.

Cindy: Dad, I think they get their questions from Celebrity Jeopardy. The SNL version. No need to study, just know that eight comes after seven.

Karl: I’d rather not take my chances. I don’t want tone responsible for us losing, I know how much everyone likes to win.

Ralph: I don’t really care, if I’m honest.

Cindy: Are you sure you wanna say that in front of mom?

Ralph: She knows I’m just in it for the fun of seeing my family fall on the ground.

Betty: Is that really why you like it?

Ralph: It’s so funny! You’re all flopping around and getting dragged through the mud.

Velma: Has anyone seen Frank?

Tammi: Actually… no.

Betty: I usually appreciate that. Not today. Someone, find him.

Karl: I will say once again that I’m going to the car. This time, I mean it.

Tammi: I’m going to try to find my husband and then we’ll get going, too.

Karl: I really just need enough of you to fill the van, and then I’ll go. The rest of you will all find your way eventually, I’m sure of it.

Teri: Dad seems very stressed that his nights of watching Jeopardy didn’t prepare him enough for this high-stakes meeting of the minds.

Ten minutes later…

Tammi: Oh my god!

Velma: What?

Tammi: Who all is still here?

Karl: All of us. All. Of. Us.

Tammi: Why’s that?

Karl: Don’t ask.

Teri: It’s mom, the only one he’s too afraid to leave without.

Karl: I came back up just to get her down to the car, apparently she just realized she can’t find her “good lipstick.” I don’t know…

Tammi: I’m glad we can both relate!

Karl: What is going on with Frank, actually?

Tammi: Oh, he’s got a kidney stone.

Karl: No!

Teri: And dad thought he was having the worst day of all of us!

Betty: Did I miss something?

Teri: Frank’s got a kidney stone!

Betty: Oh. Oh… will he be able to do the fall run?

Tammi: He’s in the fetal position on the upstairs bathroom floor, I don’t think this is happening for him.

Betty: God. I hate to admit it, but he’s been instrumental in us winning the last few years.

Tammi: I know! We can still do it without him.

Cindy: Should we get Zeke?

Teri: He’s probably drunk, no?

Jerry: I’ll get him. I still trust him to help us out here better than our other options.

Danielle: I’m doing the mile run, though. I’m a power walker, I know how to get into the heads of those other busybody moms that will be competing in it.

Jerry: How so?

Danielle “Are those Lululemon pants new? They really make your ass look huge!”

Jerry: Wow, that’s sinister.

Danielle: It’ll be effective!

Jerry: All right, Danielle can do the mile run.m I’m getting Zeke for tug-of-war, our other options there don’t instill confidence in me.

Cindy: Excuse me?

Jerry: Not you, dear love of my life.

Karl: Then who?

Jerry: I’m heading out, see you all soon!

One hour later…

Betty: Finally, the gang is all here, ready for our victory.

Anita: I aspire to be as delusional as you are when I reach your high age.

Betty: What family has won this thing the last four years? To my knowledge, not yours!

Anita: We tied in 2021.

Betty: And then what did you do all those other years? Lost!

Anita: Someone over-confident. I look forward to wiping that smirk off your face.

Betty: I wish I could tell you what I was thinking right now, but I’d be arrested for making a threat.

Karl: Knock it off! Both of you! This means almost nothing, stop bickering! Your kids are right here!

Betty: My kids know how I feel about this bitch.

Anita: You know, too, don’t you Lys?

Alysa: I want to stay out of this.

Anita: You say that now, but I need you to put the pedal to the medal and beat that little boyfriend of yours in the mile run.

Zeke: I just wanted to thank you guy for asking me to do it! I’m surprised Frank’s not doing it, and it felt really last-minute, but I’m always glad to be invited.

Cindy: Did you not tell him?

Jerry: What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him.

Zeke: What?

Jerry: Nothing, son!

Teri: They’re calling you guys for the mile run! Get ready!

Danielle: Let me prepare my insults. I’m ready to mentally destroy some middle-aged moms!

Karl: I gotta cram in the rest of this trivia like I’m a college freshman on a Monday morning, I’m almost through the book!

Ralph: All that, just for them to ask you nothing that you studied.

Karl: That is definitely what will happen, but I have to try regardless. Betty will never let me live it down if I mess up.

One hour later…

Betty: Okay, team! We’re down but not out!

Teri: Oh, we’re out. Just, thank god Anita is, too.

Danielle: I didn’t expect Annie Van Hollen to punch me in the face when I told her she was brave for taking on the mile run in her condition. I thought she was pregnant!

Jerry: Well, she wasn’t.

Danielle: But she looked it!

Steven: I just stared at Alysa the whole time, I’m sorry.

Teri: How could you even see her from that far off, kid?

Steven: Just knowing she’s there, I f-

Betty: Zip it. We need to focus on rebounding with the tug-of-war.

Karl: How was I supposed to know which Real Housewife was in Halloween? How?

Tammi: Kyle Richards!

Karl: Who is Kyle Richards? What is he doing on the Real Housewives?

Tammi: Some of you are uncultured.

Cindy: Can I just say, at the risk of being excommunicated, how much I miss Frank in the Fall Run?

Teri: Can’t stand the man, but he could run, and he could pull.

Zeke: You know, we haven’t even done the tug-of-war yet.

Teri: We can tell the way things are going. We’re in fifth.

Betty: It was fun to watch Anita fall off the balance beam in the obstacle course. I hope to see more of that, preferably resulting in injuries that requ-

Anita: Bellwood! Congrats on losing!

Betty: Same to you! It’s not over yet, but seventh…

Anita: Fifth for the undisputed, undefeated champs, well that’s not so good.

Betty: We have plenty of time to turn it around!

Anita: Sure.

Teri: You never know! Zeke might be good at something!

Zeke: I feel unsupported.

Cindy: You should, they don’t have confidence in you. I do I love ya!

Zeke: Thanks?

Cindy: Welcome!

Two hours later…

Betty: Well… third place still gets a trophy.

Tammi: One we won’t be displaying, but it’s nice nonetheless.

Jerry: Give that one to Frank. He’s earned it.

Betty: He didn’t even compete.

Jerry: Exactly. His little medical incident. Blew this whole thing for us!

Teri: At least Anita’s family came in ninth.

Betty: I know you guys won’t believe me, but that’s really the only thing I care about.

Danielle: We believe you.

What did you think of the season premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next Thursday!

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