Betty rushes through the front door.
Betty: You guys! It’s time!
The entire family rushes into the living room.
Cindy: Oh my god!
Ralph: I am SO excited!
Teri: This is the best time of the year!
Karl: Man, this year’s flown by, huh?
Danielle: The summer, especially. Feels like just yesterday, Tammi was crying about Steven being at camp. Now it’s time for th-
Frank: What are we talking about?
Betty: You freakin’ idiot!
Frank: What?
Jerry: It’s the Fall Run, jackass!
Frank: Oh my god, I didn’t even think of that.
Jerry: Hence why I called you a jackass.
Tammi: Dad, is that necessary?
Jerry: I take the Fall Run very seriously.
Betty: We all do. Our status as four-time undefeated champions is very important to all of us.
Teri: I love this competition, but I also recognize that caring so much makes us common HOA gutter trash just like Anita.
Betty: That is not true!
Velma: Oh, it definitely is.
Betty: How so? She wants to win so she can make other people feel bad and make herself feel superior. We do it because it’s fun.
Ralph: You just mentioned the importance of our status as four-time undefeated champions.
Betty: Because we’re damn good and we should talk about it!
Ralph: See, that’s something Anita would say.
Betty: You people are delusional.
Teri: Admit it, mom. It feels good to win sometimes. It’s human nature.
Ralph: Michael Jackson over here.
Teri: It’s true! Winning feels nice!
Jerry: It sure does, and we’re going to do it again today.
Betty: That’s the spirit! So how are we planning on winning again?
Karl: This isn’t the Olympics, we don’t really have to train.
Betty: Don’t have to train? It’s been a year, we’re rusty!
Cindy: It’s not like anything we do in the Fall Run consists of any actual skills. My responsibility every year is carving a pumpkin, with the help of TWO other people!
Betty: You can do something else this year.
Cindy: No! It’s easy, I don’t have to stress, and I have the skill. I like it this way.
Betty: Okay, so I’ll mark you down for pumpkin carving. Who else wants what? I’ll grab the signup chart, let’s get ourselves prepared!
Mitchell: I want to do whatever it is that I won’t have to prepare for at all. I can deal with one day of this, I’m not putting a week of effort into it and you people are nuts about this.
Frank: We need you for the tug-of-war, you’re one of the biggest and strongest guys here.
Mitchell: Oh? Thanks!
Velma: Don’t let his size fool you, that’s not muscle.
Tammi: See, Steven. Love is not all it’s cut out to be.
Velma: She’s not wrong.
Steven: Can I do t-
Betty: I’m just going to list each activity and ask for volunteers. I’m already getting confused because you guys are all over the place. We’ll start with the mile run.
Steven: I want it!
Betty: Are you not carving the pumpkin with your mom and grandma?
Steven: I started track and field this year, I’m ready for this.
Frank: He is our youngest and most agile, I think this will be good for us.
Betty: All right, Steven, I got you down. Who else?
Frank: I’ve been the star of this competition, let’s be honest.
Betty: Ugh… fine.
Tammi: She said that because she knows it’s true, babe!
Betty: Don’t say “babe,” you’re not Sonny and Cher.
Jerry: As someone with milit-
Betty: All right, we have our team for the mile run.
Jerry: Am I not going to get to talk?
Betty: We knew where that was going.
Terri: We really did.
Betty: We accept it, Perry, just take the win and let me move on to the trivia dunk tank.
Karl: That’s mine! I’m too old for everything else, but my mind’s still sharper than ever!
Betty: And who will be our softball champs?
Velma: I’m always a star ball player, we know that.
Mitchell: No one make any crude comments. I know you’re all thinking them.
Velma: You didn’t have to tell on yourself like that.
Betty: So who besides Velma wants t-
Danielle: This usually entails the least effort. I’ll do it.
Betty: Okay, I’d like a bit more enthusiasm, but that’ll do! Moving on to the obstacle course.
Tammi: I want it. I can nail this.
Teri: I guess I’ll do this one.
Betty: I said enthusiasm!
Teri: Okay, Larry David. I’ll gladly do this one! Service with a smile!
Ralph: What kind of obstacle course is this?
Teri: One set up in twenty minutes with whatever they found at Walmart.
Ralph: Okay, I’ll do it then.
Betty: None of you sound excited for this!
Teri: I’m not hearing you signing up for anything!
Betty: None of these play to my skill set.
Teri: Good excuse!
Betty: So, tug-of-war! Mitchell, I know you want that one.
Mitchell: Sure.
Betty: Who else?
Frank: Me and Jerry. That gives us the best chance to win.
Betty: Don’t get bossy. I agree. But don’t get bossy. Now, I want this next one… lawn bowling!
Velma: As a Pink Lady, I want to do that one!
Teri: Me too!
Betty: Okay! We’re an award-winning bowling team, we’re gonna crush it!
Danielle: I feel left out.
Teri: Only three slots! Maybe next time!
Betty: Okay, our last one… pumpkin carving.
Teri: Cindy has to do this one!
Cindy: Yeah, I think I made that much clear.
Betty: Who else?
Steven: I’ll do it again with mom and grandma. We always have fun.
Betty: Okay, good in my book. We’re all signed up, we know what to prepare for. Two weeks to go!
Cindy: All right, back to making dinner now that this is done.
Teri: Finally, something productive. This sure is fun, but not when mom overcomplicates things.
Two weeks later…
Betty: Okay, team! We’ve done as much preparations as we could, we are in fine shape to take on this task! I’m so proud of us!
Teri: Thanks, coach!
Ralph: She watched Friday Night Lights just to prepare herself for this moment.
Jerry: I’m supposed to be our coach in this, how’d I lose my gig?
Betty: You’re not blindly motivated by hate for our opponents like I am.
Jerry: Is that what it takes to be a coach?
Betty: I’m not really a coach, we don’t have a coach. I’m just, you know, the one giving the pep talks, because we can use them!
Karl: We have a lot of pep.
Ralph: How can we not, after two weeks of her screaming “We need to beat Anita!” at us?
Betty: We need to! She is the devil and she’ll never let us live it down!
Ralph: Uh-huh.
Karl: If we could all get in the car so we could get to the Fall Run at all, that’d be great.
Teri: That’s gonna be a while. Look at us. Velma’s not even dressed.
Velma: I am so!
Teri: Those are pajama pants.
Velma: It’ll take one minute to get out of them.
Teri: So… do that.
Karl: I’m going to the car. Please don’t make me wait long.
Jerry: You excited for the big mile run, kid?
Steven: Yeah!
Jerry: You don’t sound excited.
Steven: Alysa told me she’s also doing the mile run.
Jerry: Oh boy.
Steven: I’m afraid to try to beat her.
Jerry: Ah, kid, it’s not that serious. She’s not going to dump you if you beat her.
Teri: Yeah, if those two lovebirds on Big Brother could survive getting nominated next to each other, you two kids will be fine!
Tammi: Yes, aunt Teri, base your advice to my son on reality TV.
Teri: Hey, just be glad I did’t bring up anything “woke” I watch like RuPaul’d Drag Race, because if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?
Danielle: Can I get an amen up in here?
Steven: I just don’t want to upset her.
Teri: Ah, he’s back to this. Damn.
Betty: Steven, if you aren’t going to push to win, we’ll have to swap you out for someone else. I’ll do it.
Teri: Mother, you’re eighty. We don’t want you to die.
Betty: I am not!
Teri: Oh, sevent-
Betty: Don’t say it!
Teri: Steven not trying will still run laps around a geriatric woman with a bad back and plantar fasciitis.
Betty: I resent that statement!
Teri: I also resent reality. Alas…
Steven: I’m going to try my best.
Karl: That’s good! Get in the car!
Ralph: Wow, I can’t remember the last time I saw dad acting this uptight.
Karl: I just want to get to this thing so I can study my handy trivia book.
Cindy: Dad, I think they get their questions from Celebrity Jeopardy. The SNL version. No need to study, just know that eight comes after seven.
Karl: I’d rather not take my chances. I don’t want tone responsible for us losing, I know how much everyone likes to win.
Ralph: I don’t really care, if I’m honest.
Cindy: Are you sure you wanna say that in front of mom?
Ralph: She knows I’m just in it for the fun of seeing my family fall on the ground.
Betty: Is that really why you like it?
Ralph: It’s so funny! You’re all flopping around and getting dragged through the mud.
Velma: Has anyone seen Frank?
Tammi: Actually… no.
Betty: I usually appreciate that. Not today. Someone, find him.
Karl: I will say once again that I’m going to the car. This time, I mean it.
Tammi: I’m going to try to find my husband and then we’ll get going, too.
Karl: I really just need enough of you to fill the van, and then I’ll go. The rest of you will all find your way eventually, I’m sure of it.
Teri: Dad seems very stressed that his nights of watching Jeopardy didn’t prepare him enough for this high-stakes meeting of the minds.
Ten minutes later…
Tammi: Oh my god!
Velma: What?
Tammi: Who all is still here?
Karl: All of us. All. Of. Us.
Tammi: Why’s that?
Karl: Don’t ask.
Teri: It’s mom, the only one he’s too afraid to leave without.
Karl: I came back up just to get her down to the car, apparently she just realized she can’t find her “good lipstick.” I don’t know…
Tammi: I’m glad we can both relate!
Karl: What is going on with Frank, actually?
Tammi: Oh, he’s got a kidney stone.
Karl: No!
Teri: And dad thought he was having the worst day of all of us!
Betty: Did I miss something?
Teri: Frank’s got a kidney stone!
Betty: Oh. Oh… will he be able to do the fall run?
Tammi: He’s in the fetal position on the upstairs bathroom floor, I don’t think this is happening for him.
Betty: God. I hate to admit it, but he’s been instrumental in us winning the last few years.
Tammi: I know! We can still do it without him.
Cindy: Should we get Zeke?
Teri: He’s probably drunk, no?
Jerry: I’ll get him. I still trust him to help us out here better than our other options.
Danielle: I’m doing the mile run, though. I’m a power walker, I know how to get into the heads of those other busybody moms that will be competing in it.
Jerry: How so?
Danielle “Are those Lululemon pants new? They really make your ass look huge!”
Jerry: Wow, that’s sinister.
Danielle: It’ll be effective!
Jerry: All right, Danielle can do the mile run.m I’m getting Zeke for tug-of-war, our other options there don’t instill confidence in me.
Cindy: Excuse me?
Jerry: Not you, dear love of my life.
Karl: Then who?
Jerry: I’m heading out, see you all soon!
One hour later…
Betty: Finally, the gang is all here, ready for our victory.
Anita: I aspire to be as delusional as you are when I reach your high age.
Betty: What family has won this thing the last four years? To my knowledge, not yours!
Anita: We tied in 2021.
Betty: And then what did you do all those other years? Lost!
Anita: Someone over-confident. I look forward to wiping that smirk off your face.
Betty: I wish I could tell you what I was thinking right now, but I’d be arrested for making a threat.
Karl: Knock it off! Both of you! This means almost nothing, stop bickering! Your kids are right here!
Betty: My kids know how I feel about this bitch.
Anita: You know, too, don’t you Lys?
Alysa: I want to stay out of this.
Anita: You say that now, but I need you to put the pedal to the medal and beat that little boyfriend of yours in the mile run.
Zeke: I just wanted to thank you guy for asking me to do it! I’m surprised Frank’s not doing it, and it felt really last-minute, but I’m always glad to be invited.
Cindy: Did you not tell him?
Jerry: What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him.
Zeke: What?
Jerry: Nothing, son!
Teri: They’re calling you guys for the mile run! Get ready!
Danielle: Let me prepare my insults. I’m ready to mentally destroy some middle-aged moms!
Karl: I gotta cram in the rest of this trivia like I’m a college freshman on a Monday morning, I’m almost through the book!
Ralph: All that, just for them to ask you nothing that you studied.
Karl: That is definitely what will happen, but I have to try regardless. Betty will never let me live it down if I mess up.
One hour later…
Betty: Okay, team! We’re down but not out!
Teri: Oh, we’re out. Just, thank god Anita is, too.
Danielle: I didn’t expect Annie Van Hollen to punch me in the face when I told her she was brave for taking on the mile run in her condition. I thought she was pregnant!
Jerry: Well, she wasn’t.
Danielle: But she looked it!
Steven: I just stared at Alysa the whole time, I’m sorry.
Teri: How could you even see her from that far off, kid?
Steven: Just knowing she’s there, I f-
Betty: Zip it. We need to focus on rebounding with the tug-of-war.
Karl: How was I supposed to know which Real Housewife was in Halloween? How?
Tammi: Kyle Richards!
Karl: Who is Kyle Richards? What is he doing on the Real Housewives?
Tammi: Some of you are uncultured.
Cindy: Can I just say, at the risk of being excommunicated, how much I miss Frank in the Fall Run?
Teri: Can’t stand the man, but he could run, and he could pull.
Zeke: You know, we haven’t even done the tug-of-war yet.
Teri: We can tell the way things are going. We’re in fifth.
Betty: It was fun to watch Anita fall off the balance beam in the obstacle course. I hope to see more of that, preferably resulting in injuries that requ-
Anita: Bellwood! Congrats on losing!
Betty: Same to you! It’s not over yet, but seventh…
Anita: Fifth for the undisputed, undefeated champs, well that’s not so good.
Betty: We have plenty of time to turn it around!
Anita: Sure.
Teri: You never know! Zeke might be good at something!
Zeke: I feel unsupported.
Cindy: You should, they don’t have confidence in you. I do I love ya!
Zeke: Thanks?
Cindy: Welcome!
Two hours later…
Betty: Well… third place still gets a trophy.
Tammi: One we won’t be displaying, but it’s nice nonetheless.
Jerry: Give that one to Frank. He’s earned it.
Betty: He didn’t even compete.
Jerry: Exactly. His little medical incident. Blew this whole thing for us!
Teri: At least Anita’s family came in ninth.
Betty: I know you guys won’t believe me, but that’s really the only thing I care about.
Danielle: We believe you.
What did you think of the season premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next Thursday!
