Marietta is at Martin and Patty Lynn’s for dinner.
Milton: Ah, it’s good to be back!
Amy: Yeah, why have you been missing the last few family dinners? I’ve been here, and I’m not even family!
Milton: Well, you see, there’s been talks of a government shutdown…
Amy: I haven’t even noticed.
Tammy: She’s been very busy with… well, what have you been busy with? Certainly nothing at work.
Amy: I was the city council liaison during the council president election.
Moira: We don’t have to talk about the election.
Amy: Oh, right. Sorry.
Tammy: How is that shutdown going, by the way? Any closer to a deal?
Milton: We’re still actively working to bully Ferrera Donahue into supporting it so we can get sixty votes in the Senate for the budget.
Marietta: I feel like there has to be a better way for the Senate to operate than this.
Tammy: After twenty years in the Senate, you’re just now realizing that?
Marietta: You’re blinded by the stupidity when you’re in there, only when you get out to you realized how none of it makes any sense.
Tammy: Not for me, I thought almost every procedure in that chamber was dumb as all hell.
Marietta: You were the majority leader for, like, ten years.
Tammy: Twelve.
Marietta: Why didn’t you take that opportunity to change it?
Tammy: No one else wanted to. Must I remind you that politics wasn’t so insane when I was leading the Senate?
Milton: Are you blaming Kate?
Tammy: No, I’m blaming all of the lunatics that surround Kate. She’s my protege.
Marietta: That’s very mean to say about Ellie.
Patty Lynn: All right, enough politics talk! Let’s talk about fun things!
Kathleen: You say this every week. It’s a family of politicians, what the hell else are we going to talk about? The weather?
Patty LynnL Most of us are retired.
Eliza: Not I! Another exhilarating week of work as a member of the superminority Democratic caucus in the Louisiana Senate!
Elena: Why do you even bother at this point, honey?
Eliza: Because if a few Republicans fail to show up to work one day, we can maybe block them from making history class illegal or something.
Martin: Are they trying to do that?
Eliza: Probably.
Martin: Is it time to move?
Marietta: Oh, I move here and now it’s time for you to go?
Milton: I have plenty of space in DC!
Patty Lynn: Honey, you’re married now. Wouldn’t it be a little sad to be living with your parents still?
Sarah: She got you!
Milton: No, it’s not sad to take care of your ailing, elderly parents?
Martin: Ailing? We’ve never been better! We finally have the house to ourselves!
Sarah: They’re crushing you, dad! Stop before they ruin you!
Kathleen: Not entirely to yourselves.
Patty Lynn: Ah, crap, we didn’t mean to tell you this way.
Kathleen: Tell me what?
Martin: Patty Lynn…
Kathleen: Tell me what?
Tammy: They’re putting you down, scamp!
Kathleen: Tell me WHAT?
Patty Lynn: I’m just pulling your leg! Bet you really thought we were about to put you in a home, huh?
Kathleen: Great joke.
Marietta: I agree. Thank you for talking about something fun, mom!
Patty Lynn: Always happy to help lighten up the mood!
Amy: Hey, Maria, it’s about that time of year. When’s little Katharine starting pre-k?
Maria: I’d like a different question, please.
Amy: This isn’t Trivial Pursuit, honey, I’m just making small talk.
Marietta: I have the same question as Amy, actually. Kyle, do you care to answer?
Kyle: Grandma, this bread is amazing!
Patty Lynn: Costco!
Kyle: Ah, they’ve really achieved culinary excellence at Costco.
Patty Lynn: I don’t love that they charge money for the privilege of patronizing their stores and buying their products, but their bakery is unmatched. Those pumpkin pies are a great deal!
Marietta: Your famous pumpkin pies are from Costco?
Kathleen: The throwaway plastic containers with labels on them didn’t give that away?
Marietta: So I’m not observant, is that a crime?
Amy: Our mayor, ladies and gentlemen!
Marietta: Kyle, are you going to answer the question or start complementing even more foods that your grandmother didn’t make? Maybe the cheese spread next?
Kyle: Maria, should we tell her?
Maria: I was content with never telling her.
Marietta: Telling me what?
Kathleen: See how it feels?
Marietta: Not now!
Kathleen: You were dunking on me, I get to dunk on you a bit.
Milton: I didn’t get to dunk on mom and dad.
Patty Lynn: I gave birth to you.
Martin: I helped.
Milton: That’s horrific.
Martin: I was in the delivery room, cheering her on.
Kyle: We’re not sending Katharine to pre-k.
Marietta: Good joke.
Maria: Not a joke.
Marietta: I knew you shouldn’t have married the daughter of Republicans! They hate education, Kyle! They only like those Jesus schools that I voted to defund!
Maria: Okay, I’m a Democrat.
Tammy: Thank God.
Maria: I know I’d be persona non grata if I weren’t. I’m not against pre-k in general, I just don’t want it for my own kids. They have to spend enough time in school, I don’t think pre-k is necessary. I want as much time with my kids as I can get.
Marietta: They learn very important social skills. That’s why I worked so hard to get her accepted to the good pre-k.
Maria: Is there a good pre-k? Is it not all just the same?
Marietta: I can’t believe that’s something you just actually said.
Henrietta: I would actually also like to know the answer, as a mom .
Marietta: It’s an exclusive pre-k, where classes are small, the kids get a lot of one-on-one time with the teachers, and they get plenty of time to socialize.
Milton: What do they need one-on-one time for? Getting advice on nap time?
Tammy: Honey, I’m sorry, but I think an “exclusive pre-k” is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard, and I used to personally read House Republican budget proposals.
Milton: Why would you torture yourself like that?
Tammy: They’re good for a laugh.
Milton: That’s true. Though, they aren’t so funny when you’re one vote away from them being entirely irrelevant.
Tammy: Just bribe one of the Republicans, it’s what I’d do.
Amy: How was the campaign finance scandal your first brush with the law?
Tammy: I cover my tracks.
Amy: Not well enough, you almost cost all of us our jobs.
Tammy: It was one small error over a forty-year career.
Amy: How many crimes were you doing?
Tammy: I’m not a mob boss or anything, I just maybe committed a few financial crimes for votes. Nothing no one else has ever done.
Marietta: So, about pre-k…
Henrietta: Tammy just admitted to being a criminal and you’re worried about pre-k?
Marietta: I’ve known Tammy is a criminal for a very long time, Henrietta.
Tammy: I am not a criminal! I was joking! I bribed them with candy, cakes, cookies, the passage of bills, funding for their states…
Kyle: You know, they say any schooling before kindergarten is really not that important, it’s more for the parents than anything.
Marietta: That’s what they say about birthday parties, not schooling!
Maria: Aren’t they really the same thing at that age?
Marietta: I don’t understand why you’re both so opposed to sending Katharine to pre-k. You skipped pre-school, and that was fine by me, because I don’t think a three year-old needs to be in school. Pre-k, though, that teaches valuable skills.
Kathleen: Why do you care? You don’t have to live with her if she turns into a little brat with no friends and terrible social skills. Let them deal with that.
Kyle: Thank you for the support, aunt Kathleen.
Kathleen: Did it sound supportive? I didn’t mean it to.
Sarah: I completely agree with your decision, all school is hell.
Milton: Hey, gap year, stay outta this one. In fact, if we could all stay out of it, that would be great. It’s none of our business.
Marietta: She’s my grandchild, I think I get to give my opinion.
Kathleen: Do we have to hear it all night?
Patty Lynn: Dinner’s ready!
Kathleen: Thank god.
Patty Lynn: Y’all only get it if you stop talking about this!
Tammy: I know someone’s gonna be hungry tonight!
Marietta: No, I’ll be quiet, my opinion is clearly not valued.
Kyle: Oh, give me a break, mom.
Marietta: Give you a break?
Patty Lynn: I’m minutes away from throwing that pot roast in the trash!
Marietta: I’m done.
Kyle: Thank god.
Patty Lynn: No snark from you, either!
Two days later…
Amy: You cool down yet, hothead?
Marietta: Thank you, I am pretty hot, aren’t I?
Amy: Why are you like this?
Marietta: Why did you have to insinuate I have a temper?
Tammy: Oh my god, shut up!
Amy: I’ll ask again… Marietta, are you feeling better today?
Marietta: I don’t know what you mean, nothing was wrong with me.
Amy: You clearly had some thoughts on Kyle and Maria not sending Katharine to pre-k. I’m not sure why, but you did.
Marietta: I want the best for her, but they apparently do not, and that’s their choice.
Amy: Okay, that feels like an unfair way to frame that.
Henrietta: Yeah, some of us just don’t see the benefit of adding unnecessary years of schooling. They already go for so long.
Marietta: You just say that because you just got out of school yourself.
Tammy: Don’t be a boomer, Marietta.
Marietta: Oh, shut it! Why can no one see my side here?
Amy: I understand you want what you think it best, but it’s not your choice. You did what you thought was best when Kyle was a kid, now he has kids of his own, he gets to make that choice. We have to let our kids live their lives and forge their own paths.
Marietta: I should call Kate, she’d give me advice on how to sway them.
Tammy: In one ear, out the other.
There is a knock on the door of the office.
Tammy: Come on in! Free us from this hell!
Marietta: Ignore her!
The door swings open.
Marietta: Maria! Katharine! What a lovely surprise!
Maria: Hello! I need to talk with you!
Marietta: Just sit down, the Marvelettes won’t interrupt anything.
Maria: Okay, I’ll fire away then. I agree with you about pre-k.
Marietta: Oh, really?
Maria: You made good points.
Marietta: Did I?
Maria: All right, you’re frightening me now. You seem angry.
Marietta: Do I?
Tammy: Stop that!
Marietta: I’m just pulling your leg, kiddo. I knew you’d be rational about this. We gotta get this kid some friends, they’re not just going to come to her!
Maria: That is something I worry about. She spends so much time with me. I love that, but… I worry it means she doesn’t socialize enough with kids her own age.
Marietta: I feared the same with Kyle. Getting him in pre-school and pre-k eased so many fears.
Maria: Here’s the problem: Kyle doesn’t agree with us at all. He finds it all unnecessary.
Amy: I would ag-
Marietta: I said you’d be quiet, are you trying to make a liar out of me?
Amy: No, dear leader, I’ll be quiet.
Maria: I need you to help me convince him that we’re right, but I also need you to never let him know that I was the one who came to you with this plan. You make the argument again and I’ll pretend that what you said changed my mind.
Marietta: That’s devious. I love it!
Henrietta: Wow, Kyle really married his mother.
Maria: Thank you! It’s an honor to be compared to her.
Tammy: I don’t think it was meant that way.
Marietta: Well, being compared to me will always come off as a compliment.
Maria: I should get going, I don’t want Kyle to get suspicious. I told him I was going to get milk. I should probably get some just to sell that story. You just stop by tonight and tell him it’s been weighing on your mind. You’re pushy, he’ll believe you.
Marietta: Okay, I’ll see you tonight!
Maria: All right, see ya then!
Maria leaves.
Marietta: Am I good or what?
Tammy: I don’t know how she does it.
Henrietta: Like putty in her hand.
Amy: I wish she’d give me pointers.
Marietta: You don’t last as long as I did as a Democratic senator in Louisiana without remarkable persuasive skills.
Amy: Unfortunately, those were not on display in your most recent mayoral campaign.
Marietta: I won, didn’t I?
Amy: Because of the hookers.
Tammy: Because of the hookers and Kent Egerton. Don’t just blame the women, that’s sexist.
Later that night…
Marietta: Kyle! Maria! I was in the neighborhood, sort of, and I just felt the urge to drop in and -
Kyle: Aren’t you supposed to be at grandma and grandpa’s?
Marietta: I had to stop in and see you. Something’s been weighing on me.
Kyle: If it’s what I think it is, we don’t want to hear it!
Maria: Honey, give your mother a chance. Maybe it’s not what you think it is.
Kyle: Oh, it is. I see it in her face.
Marietta: I am innocent!
Kyle: Mom, why are you here?
Marietta: So, pre-k… tomorrow’s the last day to confirm you want the spot!
Kyle: We don’t want it!
Marietta: Hear me out!
Kyle: I know how this is ending, but just make it quick.
Marietta: How often does Katharine ever interact with anyone besides Maria, you, and the rest of this family?
Kyle: I don’t know… they go to the park.
Maria: We’re mostly on our own there. No one bothers us.
Marietta: So she’s four years old without any friends. Remind you of anyone?
Kyle: Tomorrow, you say?
Maria: Hold on, are you really thinking about this? Is that all it took?
Kyle: My childhood was very traumatic, Maria.
Marietta: His only friends were my senate interns, it was actually a little sad.
Kyle: Mom, you’re embarrassing me!
Marietta: Thankfully, once the turned four, he got into pre-k and he met a few friends, learned how to socialize in ways that didn’t more other kids, and it turned him into the man he is today!
Maria: Did you, like, introduce yourself to other kids by talking about Senate things? “Hello, I’m Kyle, do you know what a filibuster is?”
Marietta: He can lie and say no. But he did.
Kyle: I already said I’d send Katharine to pre-k, stop rubbing salt in my wound!
Maria: Aren’t you forgetting someone here?
Kyle: Oh, right. Honey, can we do this? I think it’d be good for her. I don’t want her to be a loser like I was!
Maria: If you think it’s what’s right, I won’t stop you.
Kyle: You’re the best!
Maria: I am, indeed, the best.
Marietta: Honey, you’d better call and lock down that spot. Like I said, it’s a very exclusive pre-k!
Kyle: I’ll go right now!
Kyle walks away to get the phone.
Maria: You did it!
Marietta: Am I good or what? All I need to do is tap into my son’s childhood trauma and I can win him over. I’m such a great grandmother.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
