Raymond Island Season 5 Episode 4 - Boo! A Gretchen Halloween!

Raymond Island Season 5, Episode 4
Boo! A Gretchen Halloween!

Gretchen is on the phone with Christina.

Gretchen: You excited for your first college Halloween party?
Christina: I’m not even going.

Gretchen: What you said you were? Back when I was at Brown -

Christina: Must you bring up Brown every time we talk about college?

Gretchen: I just want to remind you that you should be having a good time while you’re at school. That’s a huge part of it, too! It was my favorite part of school.

Christina: It’s a shame grandma’s not here to say that your tenure as governor makes it clear your favorite part wasn’t learning PoliSci.

Gretchen: I majored in finances, I only got dragged into politics later on. That was mostly on-the-job training.

Christina: So what were the Halloween parties like at Brown?

Gretchen: We’d have all our friends come over to the sorority, dress up, get a little tipsy, bob for apples, tell ghost stories about the campus, watch a good scary movie, gossip about our boyfriends. It was great fun!

Christina: The boyfriends part sounds the scariest.

Gretchen: You don’t know the half of it! I dated some real losers before your father, especially in college.

Christina: Didn’t you meet dad in college?

Gretchen: Yeah, but everyone before him was awful. He set me straight, but it was a long three years before that.

Christina: Well, luckily I found… whatshisname.

Gretchen: You forgot your boyfriend’s name?

Christina: Nick!

Gretchen: Yeah, he’s a nice guy. Nothing like those losers I dated. But that’s not my point. You need to go to the party.

Christina: I don’t even have a costume.

Gretchen: You’ll put something together.

Christina: Thank you for the helpful suggestion.

Gretchen: So are you going?

Christina: If I can think of something to wear.

Gretchen: Are you asking for suggestions?

Christina: If you want to make sure I go out and socialize, a suggestion would be helpful.

Gretchen: Dress as a witch. It’s a family thing.

Christina: Well, everyone knows I’m your daughter, so I’ve already got the reputation. Might as well dress the part.

Gretchen: That’s the spirit! You’re gonna have a great time, kid! Let me know how it goes!

Christina: Yeah, sure.

Gretchen hangs up.

Carol: Did you just force Christina to go to a Halloween party?

Gretchen: It’s for her own good!

Susana: Well, remember that, because we have a different Halloween-related thing to mention. And it’s for your own good.

Gretchen: I’m not dressing as a witch and being put on trial. Not again.

Carol: Oh, yeah, that was a rough one. I don’t know why people thought that was a real trial, it was obviously just for fun.

Susana: In their defense, she has a naturally witchy complexion.

Gretchen: Ah, thanks.

Susana: This time’s not nearly as bad, though! An elementary school has invited you to their Halloween costume party. We figured it’d be great PR for you to go and have some fun with the kids.

Gretchen: That’s it? Is my job so unimportant now that going to a school Halloween party is seen as a major event?

Carol: We know how you get about having to interact with people.

Gretchen: How I get?

Carol: You like staying in the office, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Susana: You complained for, like, a week straight after you and Pratt went to New Hampshire for two days.

Gretchen: That was a traumatic drive.

Carol: Thank you for telling us, we weren’t aware.

Gretchen: Anyway, I’ll go to the costume party. It sounds fun, I need fun.

Carol: You sure Lucinda will let you go?

Gretchen: She’s not the boss of me!

Carol: It’s cute you think that.

Gretchen: I’m going. Follow-up question, though: when is this? I did agree to go to a Halloween festival with Anthony on Halloween itself.

Carol: It’s on the last Friday before Halloween. Not Halloween itself.

Susana: Yeah, they don’t let the kids have fun on a Tuesday. Fun things are reserved for Fridays.

Gretchen: Do I need a costume?

Susana: We’ll take care of that, don’t worry.

Gretchen: I’d like to thank you for that, but I worry I’m being set up.

Susana: We would never. Well, I would never.

Carol: I would. She knows I would.

Later that week…

Lucinda: Is there any reason you’ve got a giant bag of candy in your trunk? Are you binge eating and trying to hide it?

Gretchen: It’s for work.

Lucinda: Are you trying to bribe Jeanne and Hank with candy so they’ll back your agenda? A bold strategy, maybe it’ll work. Nothing else ever does!

Gretchen: I’m visiting a school today for Halloween.

Lucinda: Is that what they have the governor doing now? That’s a shame.

Gretchen: It’s a fun thing to do, because the governor gets to have fun every now and then, too.

Anthony: Did you ever get a costume?

Gretchen: Carol and Susana are handling that.

Anthony: You sure about that?

Gretchen: Yes, they promised me they’d get something.

Anthony: I mean are you sure you trust them to pick something out for you? We all remember the witch scandal…

Lucinda: Which one?

Gretchen: It wasn’t that bad!

Lucinda: You were almost burned at the stake!

Gretchen: Almost.

Lucinda: I know I give you a hard time, so it may shock you to hear me say this, but please try not to get yourself killed.

Gretchen: I don’t think they’ll be arming the fourth-graders with pitchforks.

Lucinda: You never know, the world’s tough out there lately.

Gretchen: How do you people manage to get me stressed out about an elementary school Halloween party?

Lucinda: Because we know how you operate and we’re preparing you for impending disaster. There’s a huge chance of you making a fool out of yourself here.

Gretchen: Well, not today! It’s just going to be a fun day where I get to relax and not stress about politics.

Lucinda: You say that every day, how often does that work out?

Gretchen: Can you shut up and let me get ready?

Lucinda: Is that any way to talk to your mother?

Gretchen: When she’s driving me insane, yes.

Later, at the school…

Gretchen: I can’t believe you’re making me wear this.

Carol: I think you look great! It’s a very flattering look.

Gretchen: Wonder Woman? Does that not make me look conceited?

Carol: You’re a politician! Of course you’re conceited!

Gretchen: Was this the only costume in the entire place?

Susana: We still have the witch costume if you’d like that?

Gretchen: You didn’t burn that?

Carol: We were actually thinking of donating it to the Rhode Island History Museum

Gretchen: You’re a demon who should be exorcised.

Carol: Happy Halloween!

Gretchen: Why do you two get costumes that don’t make you look like conceited asses and I don’t?

Carol: There is nothing wrong with Wonder Woman!

Gretchen: Tell that to my political rivals, they’re gonna drag me through the mud for this!

Carol: They drag you through the mud just for breathing, don’t worry about them.

Susana: Do you want my Cinderella costume?

Gretchen: No, I’d really rather get your mom’s Princess Leia costume.

Carol: Not a chance. I look good!

Susana: I think your costume is fun.

Gretchen: You bought it.

Susana: I think it’s important to remember that you’re at an elementary school costume party, and kids love superheroes. They’re going to find it fun.

Gretchen: Thank you for the insight, Cindersmella.

Susana: What’s that supposed to mean?

Gretchen: It means you stink at picking out Halloween costumes for me. Zero for two so far!

Carol: Okay, I think we should maybe go in now. We’re ten minutes late. Well, ten minutes later than were said we’d get here. We’re actually right on time for the start of the party, I just love being early.

Gretchen: And it’s so annoying.

Carol: Looks like our little Wonder Woman is a little upset today!

Gretchen: I’m just remembering how much I dislike Halloween.

Carol: Jamie Lee Curtis should’ve won her Oscar for that movie.

Gretchen: The holiday, I mean. Something bad always happens to me on Halloween.

Carol: Not this year! This is the most low-stakes thing we’ve ever done. You just have to hand the kids some candy, avoid making any of them cry, and you get through the day scot-free. Speaking of which, Susana, where’s the the candy?

Susana: Ah, right here.

Carol: Butterfinger and Almond Joy? What in the world?

Susana: They were on sale!

Carol: Forget what I said, Gretch. We’re screwed.

Gretchen: We always are.

Carol: Is there time to go to the store?

Susana: No! This candy is fine!

Carol: If we want to get tarred and feathered…

Gretchen: They’re in the fourth grade, we’ll be okay.

Carol: Okay, if you’re sure, then let’s go have some fun!

One hour later…

Carol: Governor…

Gretchen: You never call me that, what’s wrong? I’m playing candy corn bingo, this better be nothing.

Susana: We should step out of the room, Wonder Woman. Let’s not distract the kids from their game.

Gretchen: But I’m winning!

Carol: Governor Raymond! We have a crisis brewing, we have to go discuss strategy.

Gretchen: If you wanted to bail on the party, you could just say that! But I’m finally enjoying a Halloween for once…

Carol: It’s a real emergency, Gretchen!

Gretchen: Okay, fine. Kids, we’re going to step out for a minute. Mrs. Mancino, don’t resume bingo without me!

Carol: Mrs. Mancino, feel free to resume it. It’s gonna be a while.

Gretchen: I am being railroaded.

Carol grabs Gretchen by the arm and drags her into the hallway.

Gretchen: What the hell was that about?

Carol: The Bay Street Bridge in Providence collapsed.

Gretchen: Oh, so a real emergency?

Carol: Idiot!

Gretchen: Was anyone hurt?

Susana: Three injuries, none are life-threatening. The bridge was closed for repairs at the time, they knew there was structural damage after the recent hurricane.

Gretchen: Well, that’s good. Who was injured?

Susana: A few constriction guys. They tripped and fell running off the bridge, suffered a few minor scratches and bruises.

Gretchen: Feels weird to say this about a bridge collapse, but that’s good. This could’ve been a lot worse.

Carol: Yeah, well, you still have to address the state about it.

Gretchen: Yeah, I’ll let the class know I have to go and then we’ll head back to the capitol. I have to change, obviously.

Susana: Yeah, about that…

Gretchen: What?

Carol: Someone’s got loose lips and tipped off the media about today’s event, so they know we’re here. They’re outside waiting for you to make a statement.

Gretchen: Are you kidding me? I knew I should’ve brought a change of clothes.

Carol: You look good.

Gretchen: I’m about to address the state about a bridge collapse while dressed as goddamn Wonder Woman!

Carol: No one died.

Gretchen: Well, this is still gonna make the news. Jimmy Kimmel’s gonna be mocking me tonight!

Susana: Good for your 2024 primary chances, no?

Gretchen: No! First of all, I’d rather die than run for president. Second, this is the only thing anyone would talk about?

Carol: You brought back calamari, that’s what’s really important.

Gretchen: Oh my god, I’m gonna be on the cover of the Post.

Carol: They can’t be meaner than they were they time you forgot what city in Pennsylvania you were in and they implied you had early-onset dementia.

Gretchen: What if I switch into one of your costumes?

Carol: Oh, because Governor Cinnamon Buns is a much better look.

Gretchen: It’s a white dress, I don’t need the wig.

Carol: A white dress with a space belt.

Gretchen: I’m just throwing out options here!

Carol: Just bite the bullet, you’ll get through this and we’ll be able to joke about it later.

Gretchen: What all am I supposed to say about this collapse?

Carol: I had Sarita write something up, soon as she emails it to me, we’ll head out and embarrass ourselves.

Gretchen: So I’m about to go out dressed as Wonder Woman reading a statement prepared by a teenager from Massachusetts while I reassure the state that the situation’s under control? My god, I’m in hell.

Susana: I think you’re overreacting, it’s not some major emergency. Most people aren’t going to bother tuning in.

Gretchen: Your reads have been great today, just spot-on all day.

Susana: No need to go on the attack. I’m just saying, it’s one bridge that was already closed for the last month that collapse, and the debris fell into the ocean, and no one died. This won’t even be a major event in your governorship, we’ll forget about it as soon as we pass a bill to fund the rebuild.

Gretchen: I’ll just have to hope that you’re right, because I have no other choice.

Carol: Happy Halloween, Gretchen!

Gretchen: Shut the hell up!

Carol: Damn, you can’t even celebrate a holiday in this place anymore, maybe the Republicans were right, there is a war on our culture.

Gretchen: Why must you push my buttons?

Carol: It’s so fun.

The next day…

Jeanne: Governor Wonder Woman! How are you?

Gretchen: Oh, god. Please don’t.

Hank: It’s my favorite thing that’s ever happened, I fully intend to discuss it.

Gretchen: We’re here to pass an infrastructure plan, let’s keep our heads in the game.

Hank: Infrastructure for Rhode Island or for the nation of Themyscira?

Gretchen: Nerd.

Carol: Folks, let’s put aside our differences t-

Jeanne: Help us, Hank and Jeanne, you’re our only hope!

Carol: I loathe you both. I looked damn good in that outfit!

Hank: What sort of funding were you looking at?

Gretchen: I consulted with the director of RIDOT, we’ve formulated a plan for covering the costs of the Bay Street Bridge repair.

Hank: Did you use your Lasso of Truth?

Gretchen: Breathe in, Gretchen, breathe in.

Jeanne: We’ll look over it, okay? We’ll be back with an answer by lunch, but I don’t expect an issue here, despite the teasing. We want repairs to get started ASAP.

Gretchen: I appreciate that you’re operating with reason here. We need to get this fixed for Rhode Island, the traffic’s always been horrible with it closed.

Hank: Can’t you just lift the cars and move them?

Gretchen: I hate Halloween so much.

Hank: I love it!

Jeanne: Come on, Hank, let’s go read this and stop bothering the Governor about her Halloween fashion choices.

Hank: I’m just glad she didn’t get burned at the stake this time.

Gretchen: I wish I had been.

Hank and Jeanne leave.

Gretchen: Never again, girls! I will never dress up for this godforsaken holiday ever again!

Carol: I’m with ya, girl! I looked hot as hell yesterday, but I’m still seen as a joke. It’s a disgrace, really.

Susana: Mom, please don’t talk about yourself like that.

Gretchen: Okay, time to watch the news.

Carol: I wouldn’t if I were you.

Gretchen: When will it be safe?

Carol: Eh, two, three days.

Gretchen: Burn the Wonder Woman costume.

Carol: On it.

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the midseason finale on Thursday!

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