Patty Lynn walks into her house.
Martin: Someone’s home late!
Kathleen: Ooh, you’re getting in trouble!
Martin: She’s not in trouble, I’m just pointing out how much later she’s getting home tonight than any other book club night.
Patty Lynn: Well, you know, it was our Halloween party. We discussed Twilight, it’s a book that really demands a good discussion.
Kathleen: Twilight? Aren’t you all eighty?
Patty Lynn: Is something wrong with Twilight?
Kathleen: Yes. A lot.
Martin: How much is there to discuss about Twilight?
Kathleen: The real horror is the writing quality.
Patty Lynn: Okay, fine, we didn’t spend all our time discussing Twilight.
Kathleen: For your sakes, thank god.
Patty Lynn: We were telling spooky stories. We live in a pretty spooky town, you know?
Kathleen: Yeah, we’re… aware.
Patty Lynn: Apparently, we have a vampire of our own!
Kathleen: Sure.
Patty Lynn: His name is Jean St. Garnier, he immigrated here in the 1800s but was apparently born sometime in the 1400s and he never ages. There are still sightings of him to this day!
Kathleen: From insane people.
Patty Lynn: From reputable sources. Joan said so herself!
Kathleen: Who the hell is Joan?
Martin: A crackpot, apparently.
Patty Lynn: None of you believe me?
Martin: I can’t believe you believe you. Vampires? Come on!
Kathleen: The only vampire I believe exists is Olivia Rodrigo’s ex-boyfriend.
Martin: I would drive a stake through that guy’s heart if I could!
Patty Lynn: I just think there could be a bit of legitimacy to the story. That’s all.
Kathleen: I don’t personally agree that our city is being terrorized by a seven-hundred year-old French vampire.
Patty Lynn: Not terrorized! It’s not like he’s a serial killer.
Kathleen: Then how’s he still alive, if he’s not killing?
Patty Lynn: That’s a good point. Jean may be a bit sketchier than I thought.
Martin: Or he’s not real.
Patty Lynn: He’s real.
Sarah: Who’s real?
Patty Lynn: Honey, what are you still doing here?
Sarah: I just swung by to pick up something I left here earlier. Then I couldn’t find it.
Kathleen: Turns out, I threw it away! Whoops!
Sarah: Well, my book has tea stains on it, but that’s fine I guess.
Martin: Who throws a book away?
Kathleen: It was on the table after dinner, I thought everything left on there was trash. I didn’t look at what it was.
Patty Lynn: To answer your question, I found out that there’s a vampire in our city today and we were debating the validity of it.
Sarah: I mean, makes sense to me. It’s a creepy city. We have voodoo, why can’t we have vampires?
Kathleen: This family is insane.
Sarah: You’re just realizing that?
Kathleen: I’ve long thought it, it’s just become more apparent than ever today.
Sarah: You think it’s so impossible that vampires could be real?
Kathleen: I expect this from Patty Lynn. I really hoped for better from you, Sarah.
Sarah: I think it’s completely rational to believe in the supernatural.
Patty Lynn: Thank you!
Martin: Anne Rice made a whole career out of the supernatural. She wasn’t insane enough to believe she was friends with vampires, but still.
Kathleen: Now that I think of it, why didn’t your book club read one of her books instead of Twilight?
Patty Lynn: Interview with the Vampire was last year’s October read. We wanted to shake things up.
Kathleen: Ah, yes, from a real book to a pile of garbage.
Martin: Have we moved on from talking about how my wife thinks vampires are real?
Kathleen: I don’t know what else there is to say. She’s beyond help.
Patty Lynn: I’m sorry you aren’t willing to believe in the unexplainable.
Sarah: This is like watching Mulder and Scully in real life.
Kathleen: And, just like on the show, Mulder is an insane person.
Patty Lynn: From you, that means so much.
The next day…
Tammy: Marietta, you have a visitor.
Marietta: I’m scared to ask… who is it?
Patty Lynn: I think you already know!
Marietta: I thought it was Marissa, so this is actually a bit of a surprise. What’s going on?
Amy: Oh, you’re gonna love this.
Henrietta: We’ve been laughing our asses off about it for the past five minutes.
Patty Lynn: It’s true, your staff is very rude.
Henrietta: I’m sorry, we just don’t get requests like this every day!
Marietta: I’m back to being scared. What’s up?
Patty Lynn: I need you to help me prove that a vampire named Jean St. Garnier really lived in New Orleans.
Marietta: No, really, what’s up?
Tammy: You’re not going to believe me, but she’s actually not joking!
Marietta: My god.
Patty Lynn: Your father and aunt think I’m crazy! I need you to help me prove that I’m not.
Marietta: Have you considered not talking crazy?
Amy: Halloween has clearly gotten to her. Have you been watching What We Do In the Shadows or something?
Patty Lynn: I don’t even know what that is! I found out about this guy from my book club ladies last night.
Marietta: Don’t you all drink wine during those book clubs?
Patty Lynn: Just a bit.
Marietta: I think you had a little too much last night.
Patty Lynn: I can’t believe no one will listen to me!
Marietta: Mom, vampires aren’t real!
Patty Lynn: Vlad the Impaler!
Marietta: That was just one insane guy, he wasn’t undead, just a nut.
Tammy: Much like…
Patty Lynn: Don’t say it! I’m not a nut!
Tammy: I wasn’t going to say you!
Patty Lynn: Who were you going to say, then?
Tammy: I decline to answer on Fifth Amendment grounds.
Patty Lynn: I’m not asking for you to help me prove the existence of the undead. All I’m asking is for you to prove that someone named Jean St. Garnier really lived in New Orleans in the 1800s. That’s all.
Marietta: You know what? I’ll have Henrietta look into it if that makes you feel better. It shouldn’t be so difficult to find, it’s not exactly a common name.
Patty Lynn: I appreciate that. Now I’ll know one way or another if this person even existed at all. If there aren’t records of him, then I know the whole story’s just a tall tale.
Henrietta: Why is that my job, though?
Amy: Honey… let’s be real. Your job is the least important in this office.
Henrietta: That was a bit blunt.
Amy: It’s important to be truthful.
Marietta: Are you content now, mom?
Patty Lynn: Yes! I’m very glad you’re helping me. I look forward to rubbing this in your father’s face when I’m proven right!
Marietta: What if he never existed?
Patty Lynn: He doesn’t have to know.
Marietta: Am I still coming over tomorrow so we can drive to Amy’s Halloween party together?
Patty Lynn: Of course! We’ll have our little dinner first and then head to Amy’s.
Amy: We’re providing food!
Patty Lynn: Oh, I’m aware.
Amy: That stung.
The next night…
Marietta: We are here! Let us in!
Milton: Stop banging on the door! I’m coming!
Marietta: I got beat here by Milton? Are you kidding me?
Milton: What are you supposed to be?
Marietta: I’m Jennifer Coolidge in season two of The White Lotus.
Milton: You’re just wearing a dress.
Marietta: And a head scarf, and I would’ve had a fake gun, too, but I’m a Democrat.
Sarah: I’m Olivia Rodrigo in the Vampire music video!
Marietta: A major shakeup from her costume two years ago, Olivia Rodrigo in the Good 4 U music video.
Moira: Sarah, I love your costume. I am begging you, don’t tell your grandmother what the name of the song is.
Sarah: Is she still going on about vampires?
Moira: It’s actually a little troubling. We might have to have her committed.
Marietta: It’s Halloween, it plays tricks on peoples’ minds. She’ll move on from the spookiness once everyone else does. Speaking of spooky, what is your incredible costume, Milton?
Moira: We’re Barbenheimer.
Milton: For some reason, I had to be Barbie.
Marietta: Yes, that’s why I called it spooky. I should never see you in a tight neon rollerblading outfit.
Moira: I think he looks sexy!
Sarah: Ew!
Patty Lynn: You guys ready to go?
Marietta: Oh my god, Brad and Janet!
Patty Lynn: Isn’t it great!
Marietta: Look at that wig!
Patty Lynn: I’m no match for a young Susan Sarandon, but I think I look good!
Martin: You look better!
Patty Lynn: I can’t say the same about you compared to Barry Bostwick.
Marietta: The Rocky Horror Picture Show is my favorite movie ever, oh my god this is cool!
Milton: My sixty year-old sister is fangirling about our mother dressing up as characters from a musical.
Marietta: An awesome musical! The greatest musical ever made!
Sarah: Mamma Mia?
Marietta: You’re a monster.
Patty Lynn: Are we still waiting on Tammy?
Marietta: She said she’s just gonna go herself. She’s waiting to see if Mitch is going, he’s apparently got a headache.
Patty Lynn: I guess we can eat, then. Such an empty table tonight. So many of the biggest mouths are missing.
Milton: Thank god!
One hour later…
Amy: You guys look great! White Lotus, right?
Marietta: Yeah, where’s my assistant?
Tammy: Coming!
Milton: Oh my god, Tammy! Why are you dressed like that?
Tammy: Like what? Like a cool person?
Milton: No…
Tammy: I’m Jennifer Coolidge’s assistant from The White Lotus, a show watched by the youths, but not by me, because I don’t pay for HBO. Marietta told me I had to wear this and I wasn’t about to argue.
Amy: You know, I’m glad Marietta came, because Tammy costume does make sense now. I just thought she was having an end-life crisis.
Tammy: End-life?
Amy: Yes.
Marietta: You look great, too! I love Little Shop of Horrors!
Amy: I always do. I will be winning this year’s costume contest. That’s beside the point, though, because I have other guests to go and greet.
Patty Lynn: And I have to track Henrietta down!
Amy: Oh, right…
Patty Lynn: Is she here yet?
Amy: I think I saw her.
Sarah: No one complimented my costume.
Amy: Bride of Frankenstein?
Sarah: What? No!
Amy: I thought you just half-assed the hair, sorry.
Sarah: I’m Olivia Rodrigo!
Amy: If you say so.
Moira: It’s okay, no one gets my costume, either, even though I was part of THE pop culture moment of the year.
Amy: You’re dressed as one of the teachers from Abbott Elementary?
Moira: I’m Oppenheimer!
Amy: That does make more sense. You looked a little like Paula Poundstone to me.
Moira: That is uncalled for.
Patty Lynn: Hey! Henrietta!
Henrietta: Oh, you’re here! Good…
Patty Lynn: Were you avoiding me?
Henrietta: No! I just wanted punch. Still want punch. Wanna drown myself in punch.
Patty Lynn: Just wait a second before you do that.
Henrietta: Okay, good, the suicide can wait.
Patty Lynn: What did you find out about Jean St. Garnier?
Henrietta: No such person! Sorry to burst your bubble!
Kathleen: I coulda told you that!
Henrietta: I really looked hard, so I know for sure he’s not real. At least, not in this city.
Patty Lynn: I appreciate the effort. I guess I can sleep a bit easier tonight.
Henrietta: Glad to give you that.
Patty Lynn walks away.
Marietta: Thank you for not telling her what you found. She never would’ve given up on this insanity.
Henrietta: I really don’t think he’s a vampire, that would be insane, but he definitely did exist, and he was definitely sketchy. I’m pretty sure that man killed.
Marietta: It was the 1800s, everyone was doing it. He wasn’t special.
One hour later…
Patty Lynn: Martin, I can’t believe this.
Martin: What, how good our costumes are?
Patty Lynn: Henrietta lied to me about Jean St. Garnier not being real. I overheard her and Marietta talking about it and I’ve been spiraling for an hour. Vampires are real!
Martin: Honey, they are not.
Patty Lynn: Why are you so convinced that I’m crazy?
Martin: I’m not! Im convinced that vampires are not real and you are being a bit gullible. That’s all!
Patty Lynn: I have to tell everyone.
Martin: No… no!
Amy: Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to begin our annual Halloween costume contest! Come on up and show off your most creative cost-
Patty Lynn: Amy, I’m sorry.
Amy: Oh shit.
Patty Lynn: Vampires are real, people!
Milton: Oh my god, someone shoot her.
Patty Lynn: There is a vampire in our city, his name is Jean St. Garnier and he is six hundred years old! Our government’s trying to cover it up, but we must know the truth!
Amy: All right, and that concludes the entertainment portion of our contest! Marietta…
Marietta: I’m getting her!
Two hours later…
Patty Lynn: I’m very sorry. I did not mean to embarrass our entire family.
Kathleen: And yet…
Patty Lynn: I thought people needed to know the truth! I didn’t think I’d look so crazy.
Milton: When I want to look sane, first thing I do is loudly proclaim that vampires are real.
Kathleen: All Henrietta needed to do was tele there was a death certificate and a burial plot. I would’ve trusted that!
Marietta: If you hadn’t half-assed your eavesdropping, you would’ve heard that part!
Sarah: I want to thank grandma. I mean, for a few magical days, we all got to imagine that vampires were real! That’s cool!
Kathleen: Not if you had to hear about it all day.
Martin: And all of the night.
Marietta: You know, this was far from our worst Halloween. It was only mom looking stupid this time.
Martin: That is true.
Milton: We’re still leaving her home next year.
Marietta: Oh, yes. She’s definitely not invited.
Patty Lynn: Tell Amy I’m sorry!
Marietta: I’m not bugging her with this.
Patty Lynn: Well, we’re home early… maybe we can watch a movie?
Kathleen: Twilight?
Patty Lynn: Why I oughta…
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
