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Marietta is at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…
Marietta: Does anyone know where Milton is? Moira?
Moira: I wish I knew.
Patty Lynn: You don’t know where your husband is?
Moira: He’s my husband, not my conjoined twin! He works across the country.
Sarah: His flight is probably just running late, it’ll all be fine.
Marietta: Kate and Ellie haven’t responded either, so maybe you’re right.
Eliza: They’re on the same flight, no?
Marietta: I’m pretty sure they are, they’re all coming in from DC.
Tammy: Is it a big deal if they miss this?
Patty Lynn: You think I’d be okay with my son missing my daughter’s inauguration?
Martin: I think Milton would be okay with it, certainly. He’d rather miss it than get yelled at by Marietta.
Marietta: And yet, I’d rather yell at him than have him miss it. What are we to do?
Patty Lynn: We wait. They never said you had to be sworn in at any particular time?
Marietta: Well, actually -
Patty Lynn: No, they didn’t. It’s not an official rule.
Marietta: Okay, if you insist, we can wait. I do want him here for it.
Henrietta: While we wait, I guess I can ask: How you feeling about the big day? You fought so hard to get here.
Marietta: Thank god for the solicitation of prostitutes, right?
Tammy: That’s an interesting way to word that.
Marietta: You get what I’m saying! I was screwed, my ass was out the door, then Kent Egerton thought with the wrong head!
Patty Lynn: Hey! This is a family gathering!
Marietta’s phone rings.
Patty Lynn: That Milton? Did they finally land?
Marietta: Just Amy.
Patty Lynn: Ah, who cares?
Tammy: She’ll be touched to hear that.
Marietta answers the phone.
Amy: Where are you guys? People are noticing you’re not here, like three full rows in the front are completely empty. You have the biggest family I’ve ever seen.
Marietta: We’re waiting on Milton.
Amy: That would’ve been good to tell me, no?
Marietta: Perhaps.
Amy: Never mind, I can handle the crowd myself. Being Press Secretary has prepared me for that!
Marietta: I forgot that was your job, I never see you yelling at the press.
Amy: It’s, uh… the job’s different than it was on West Wing. I thought I’d be Allison Janney, I’m really more Richard Schiff.
Marietta: Well, hopefully you don’t go to jail like he did.
Amy: I don’t know if there’s really any other way for my story to end, actually. They’re definitely taking me down for something.
Marietta: Let’s not say that in public.
Amy: Good idea. So, when are you getting here? The inauguration is supposed to start in half-hour. It’s customary for the mayor to arrive before that starts. Usually well before.
Marietta: I can’t make you any promises, girlfriend.
Amy: I’m more than willing to say the oath for you if you’d like!
Marietta: Nice try. Stall them, okay?
Amy: Whatever you say, boss!
Marietta: See you soon, maybe!
Marietta hangs up.
Tammy: What was that about?
Marietta: Oh, nothing, just Amy worried about how it’s starting in a half-hour and we’re nowhere to be found.
Patty Lynn: Tell her to stall!
Marietta: I did, I just don’t have faith in her to do it effectively.
Martin: They kind of can’t start without you.
Sarah: What happens if you don’t show up for hours? Do they just delay it until tomorrow or do they pick a new mayor?
Marietta: Do you see my outfit? I’m getting sworn in today. This is a look.
Sarah: Okay, then let’s get you there.
Patty Lynn: Not without Milton!
Marietta: I’ll give him ten more minutes, then I’m texting him to meet us there.
Twenty minutes later…
Moira: Oh, he just texted!
Marietta: What did he say? It’s been more than ten minutes, by the way! I’ve been generous!
Moira: “OMW.” What is “OMW?”
Sarah: On my way.
Marietta: Tell him to take his way to city hall! We gotta go!
Moira: Will do.
Martin: All right, everyone get in the car.
Elena: All in the one? Feels dangerous.
Martin: As many cars as it takes, I would prefer we don’t suffocate today.
Eliza: When you think about it, we should’ve just told Milton to meet us there from the start rather than waiting for him.
Tammy: That’s what Kyle and Maria are doing. They said they’d be late because of Katharine’s pre-k, but I’m guessing they beat us there.
Marietta: That would’ve been logical. When did you ever know this family to be logical?
Sarah: It’s a little worrying that this family makes up roughly half the government of our city, then.
Marietta: Eh, no politician is logical.
Martin: That’s true. You need to be a special breed to run for office.
Marietta: And that breed is genetic in this family!
Patty Lynn: Does anyone need water?
Marietta: Water?
Patty Lynn: Yeah, I’m packing a snack bag.
Marietta: A snack bag? We’re going to my inauguration, not a middle school baseball game.
Patty Lynn: These ceremonies can last a very long time, I want my family comfortable, fed, and hydrated.
Marietta: Good thing we’re so late, it won’t be televised. The last thing I need is for the cameras to pick up on my family passing around Dr. Peppers and bags of Cheetos.
Patty Lynn: Come on, you know I wouldn’t bring Cheetos to a fancy event. I’m not entirely uncouth.
Marietta: Chips, then?
Patty Lynn: Sandwich crackers.
Marietta: A classy snack, at least.
Martin: Patty Lynn, leave the snacks. Everyone else, let’s go before Amy makes herself mayor.
Marietta: That is a real possibility.
At city hall…
Marissa: Um, Amy… I know you’re trying your best here, I know the mayor is a bit unpredictable, but where is she?
Amy: Hell if I know! She could be on her way, she could be at her parents’ house, I’m really not sure. She’ll be here soon, though!
Marissa: The ceremony is supposed to begin in ten minutes, I’d hope she gives us some sort of sign before then that she’ll make it in time.
Amy: I know she’s trying very hard.
Kent: I would gladly step up and be sworn in if the mayor doesn’t want to be.
Amy: What the hell are you doing here? You trying to weasel your way into her administration? I originated that play, and I’ll be damned if I let you pull it off, too!
Kent: I’m just here to be a good sport.
Amy: I notice Tessa’s not with.
Kent: It’s Tressa. And, no, she’s not. She divorced me.
Amy: I wonder why!
Kent: You don’t have to rub it in. I know the mistakes I made.
Amy: I’m so glad you made them, today would’ve sucked if you hadn’t!
Marissa: It’s kinda sucking so as it is, we’re missing a mayor.
John: Hey, Amy -
Amy: I know what you’re going to ask, John. I know your time on the job is just about done and you don’t want to waste it here, I’m sorry it is.
John: No, I just wanted to say “hi.”
Amy: Oh! Hi, John!
John: I don’t really care if Marietta’s late. Actually, I think it’s hilarious. Everyone is all cranky, all annoyed. Meanwhile, I’m just enjoying sitting back and relaxing before I administer the oath to her and go back to being a lame duck until December.
Marissa: I never did understand why we swear in the city council months after we swear in the mayor.
John: I like to think it’s to help maintain a bit of stability in government when we have a large overturn in members. In reality, it’s probably for some stupid reason that no one’s ever cared enough to change.
Amy: This inauguration is like a month early. I’m not really sure why, but I don’t mind it. If feels like the election was several years ago at this point, so we’re all just glad to have this past us and get back to work. Well, once Marietta finds her way here, that is.
Marissa: You guys put a lot of work into planning the reception, right? I know Marietta kept talking about how stressful it was.
Amy: Tammy, Henrietta and I did. Marietta is great, but a party planner she is not.
Kyle: Hey, Amy! Sorry we’re late!
Maria: We had to drop Katharine off at school, and then we needed to wait for the sitter to get there for Christine, and they were later, so that was annoying.
Amy: Oh, that’s not the most annoying thing today.
Maria: What’s going on?
Amy: Kyle, want to take a guess as to where your mom is?
Kyle: Seeing as I don’t see any of my family, I’ll go with… nowhere to be found?
Amy: Ding ding ding, we have a winner!
Kyle: I can’t say I’m very surprised. What’s going on?
Amy: They were all waiting on your uncle, his flight was running late.
Kyle: Why didn’t they just have him meet them here?
Amy: Kyle, that would involve actual planning and reasoning. You know that’s not your mother’s thing.
Kent: I feel like Im being ignored here.
Marissa: I wonder why!
Kent: Why does everyone keep saying that to me?
John: I’m not an expert on human behavior, but I think they dislike you.
Ten minutes later…
Marietta: I can not believe this traffic! God doesn’t want me to make it to the inauguration, I don’t think.
Patty Lynn: We still have time.
Martin: It’s actually time right now.
Kathleen: I don’t think that’s helpful, Martin. Look at your wife!
Martin: I just want to be honest with her. We’re not making it in time. Thankfully, I don’t think anyone expected us to. They’ll give us time, Amy will make sure of it.
Tammy: I’m not sure about that. She’ll probably just send everyone home and try to swear Marietta in herself.
Marietta: That would be fun!
Kathleen: Wouldn’t be binding, but yeah, fun.
Patty Lynn: Who wants snacks? We might be here a while.
Martin: I’ll take a pack.
Marietta: I guess your snack bag was a good idea, mom. I could use a good stress binge right about now.
Patty Lynn: I have one pack of crackers for each person, don’t go crazy.
Marietta: We never should have waited for Milton. And I should’ve brought wine with.
Tammy: You can’t drink booze in a vehicle.
Marietta: It’s New Orleans!
Tammy: That’s a good point. Still, let’s not get drunk before the inauguration. This traffic will clear up, we’ll get there, it’ll all be good.
Kathleen: You know, when I was sworn into Congress ninety years ago, I wasn’t sworn in to my second term when I was supposed to be sworn in. I had an emergency tonsillectomy on New Year’s Day and I was sworn in a week late because the doctors wouldn’t let me fly from Arkansas. So being sworn in an hour late isn’t such a big deal.
Marietta: I don’t understand, though, why every big life moment of mine has some sort of comedy of errors sort of situation. I’m always getting screwed.
Kathleen: You’re my niece and I love you, so know this is coming from a good place… suck it up, buttercup! This is not the end of the world!
Patty Lynn: Hey! Let her be sad that her big day is being ruined!
Kathleen: She can be sad, but she also needs to see the bigger picture… it’s gonna be okay!
Marietta: I actually do appreciate hearing that. Sometimes, I just spiral out of control. I’m so anxious right now, I know what people are going to be saying about me being late to my own inauguration.
Sarah: I think it’s iconic. You’re the star, make ‘em wait.
Kathleen: Calm down, Beyonce.
Sarah: It’s true! They’re there for her, they can wait.
Moira: For what it’s worth, I think people will be very understanding of the situation. Everyone knows how traffic can get in this city.
Kathleen: We probably should have left a little earlier, though.
Patty Lynn: Is it just me, or is Kathleen talking way too much in this car? Here, have a snack, give us a little break.
Kathleen: What a “polite” way to tell me to shut up!
Patty Lynn: I’d never say that. I’m kind.
Kathleen: And I’m a Martian.
Patty Lynn: I’d believe that!
Kathleen: Right back at you!
Martin: What is this conversation right now?
Marietta: I don’t know, but it’s distracting me from my tardiness, so I approve of it.
Twenty minutes later…
Milton: Amy, where is my sister? Did I miss the inauguration and she already went off to the reception?
Amy: I wish!
Ellie: Wow, this crowd is dead.
Kate: It’s a mayoral inauguration, Ellie, not a Phish concert.
Ellie: Phish? Wow, you’re old.
Kate: We’re old!
Amy: Marietta’s not here yet, she said they’re in traffic.
Milton: We beat her here? We came from DC!
Amy: I know.
Ellie: Swear me in! I’m ready, willing, and able to serve.
Kate: You’d have to resign from the Senate.
Ellie: Eh, then pass.
Amy: People keep making that joke today. None of you are taking my job from me!
Milton: It’s not a great job, really. Don’t worry about it.
Amy: I’ve seen firsthand the kind of job it is. Doesn’t mean I don’t want it. I’m not averse to taking on a hard job if it gets me closer to power!
Kate: That sounded dirty.
Amy: Your mind is sick. And yours are, too, for laughing at her!
Milton: It was a funny joke.
Ellie: Hard job! I’m dying over here!
Amy: You all look exactly as one would expect someone to after spending a day on an airplane.
Milton: Okay, girls, let’s go sit down. Amy’s going through one today.
Amy: Amy’s at her wits end. Amy is tired of people asking when her boss will get here. Amy has no clue.
Fifteen minutes later…
Marietta: I’m here! Finally! At long last!
Amy: My god, finally!
Marietta: Someone grab John, let’s get this show on the road!
Amy: You’re gonna have to wake him up first!
Marietta: Aww, look how peacefully he’s sleeping.
Moira: Why the hell is Kent Egerton here?
Tammy: I’m more concerned about him being under a blanket. It’s seventy-five degrees out.
Henrietta: That’s like forty for the south.
Kathleen: You’re from Virginia, that’s barely even the south. You might as well be from Pennsylvania.
Tammy: Hey, as the resident northerner here, only I get to talk smack about Pennsylvania.
Marietta: All right, you guys go sit down. I’m ready for this. So much has been leading up to this moment, I’m so excited to get to experience it. Amy, thank you for stalling everyone to make it happen.
Amy: Ah, no problem. Just don’t ever make me do it again.
Marietta: This is it for me. I am never running for anything ever again.
Tammy: Oh, don’t make me cry!
Marietta: Don’t you want to retire, too?
Tammy: I do, but… I don’t want this to be it.
Milton: I’m running again next year, don’t worry!
Tammy: Milton, I love you, but this is different. This is a sisterhood. I love this girl more than I love just about anything.
Marietta: My god, you’re gonna make me sob.
Amy: You have four more years, which you won’t get if you don’t get sworn in. Let’s go! John, get up!
John: Huh? What?
Amy: He’s getting up. Don’t you worry.
John: Are you girls ready?
Marietta: Yes!
John: Good! I can’t wait to get out of here, I forgot how old I am!
Tammy: That’s very relatable.
Marietta: John, I just wanted to thank you for all the respect and advice you’ve shown me over the years. I’m gonna miss you.
John: I’m not dying, this is just the last time I’m swearing you in.
Marietta: That’s true.
John: Now, let’s all assume our places so we can get this done and have a nice dinner.
Marietta: Sounds good to me!
John: Please raise your right hand.
Marietta: Ah, here we go! Term two!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
