Our House Season 5 Episode 8 - Our Black Friday

Our House Season 5, Episode 8

Our Black Friday

Teri: You guys will never believe the madhouse down at the Saver Mart. It’s like everyone in Central Virginia decided to go out any buy a turkey today.

Ralph: Did you get one?

Teri: I could barely walk in that store! The shelves looked like they were forecasting a blizzard.

Ralph: Did you get the turkey?

Teri: I got six.

Jerry: Why would anyone get six turkeys?

Teri: Wait until you see them,.

Ralph: If they look like quail…

Teri: They’re small. Not that small, but small.

Ralph: Do you know how difficult this is going to be to make six birds on one day.

Teri: You can make some in the kitchen in the guest house!

Velma: Oh, yes, that’s simple!

Teri: You don’t even make food, you can stay out of this one.

Ralph: Did you at least get everything else on the list as I wrote it?

Teri: I had to get the store brand of the cream of mushroom soup.

Ralph: What? Why?

Teri: Damn inflation!

Betty: That reminds me, I have to prepare for Black Friday at the store. I have to get all the sale papers ready to be sent out with Sunday’s paper.

Mitchell: I can’t believe you’re making me work the day after Thanksgiving!

Velma: You work in retail! You didn’t see that one coming?

Mitchell: I work at a small family-owned clothing shop. I didn’t realize stores like that did Black Friday!

Cindy: There something wrong with you, like in the head?

Tammi: Mom! God would not approve of you saying that!

Ralph: Yeah, Cindy, Jesus and his pet unicorn would heavily disapprove of you making a lighthearted joke at the expense of an idiot. Go ahead and hate on the gays all you want, though.

Tammi: I didn’t even mention the gays, I don’t know where you got that from.

Betty: Our sales are low right now. 

Teri: Mitchell, you are somewhat working at the store, surely you can tell that?

Mitchell: I don’t handle the money. I sweet-talk the customers and make the sales happen.

Danielle: How on earth is that store still running?

Betty: It won’t be for much longer if we have many more months like October. Our suppliers marked everything up, so I had to do the same, and it really hurt our sales and our profit margins.

Frank: This sounds like an episode of Shark Tank.

Teri: Speaking of sharks, can a shark please eat you?

Betty: I need Black Friday to be big for the shop, I have to promote the sales well.

Cindy: Mom, how bad are the sales? From what you said ,it was just one bad month.

Betty: One bad month is all it takes! We’re living by the margins right now so as it is, it takes a long time for a store like this to become profitable.

Frank: I think I told you that when you said you wanted to open it.

Betty: Did I ask?

Tammi: I can help you put a sale paper together. Might as well put my graphic design degree to use.

Jerry: Wow, first time for everything I guess.

Cindy: Jerry, don’t be a dick.

Teri: Wow! Didn’t expect that to come outta you.

Ralph: It is truly a time for giving.

One week later…

Steven: Why does the whole house smell like food?

Tammi: Did you forget what day it is?

Steven: I know it’s Thanksgiving, I woke up just to watch the parade. It’s eight in the morning, though, seems a little early to start dinner.

Ralph: I have to make food for a full baseball team worth of people, no choice but to start early.
Velma: He has been working on it since six, and I’ve been salivating over it ever since.

Danielle: I’m not sure whether to eat breakfast or not. On the one hand, I can clearly see the mound of food and I want to have an appetite. On the other, it’s going to be a while before it’s dinner time.

Ralph: Just eat something, my goodness. It’s eight AM! I swear, the scent of turkey makes you people go crazy.

Danielle: We already were crazy. The turkey must just bring it out further.

Karl: Ralph, are you sure you don’t need any help? That’s way too much too do on your own?

Ralph: I have a system, I’ve used it for over twenty years. You all just sit back and relax and watch the scary Macy’s balloons. I do appreciate you making the pumpkin pies, though.

Karl: You know how much I love to make it. Helps me feel like I’m contributing.

Velma: You feel like you don’t contribute? Look at Mitchell!

Mitchell: I’m not doing anything!!

Velma: Precisely the issue.

Mitchell: I have to relax, I have a big, early day tomorrow. Black Friday!

Frank: I can’t believe the radical l-

Teri: Not today, asshole! Not on Thanksgiving!

Frank: Today is the national holiday for petty political arguments. If not today, when?

Teri: From you? I’d prefer never.

Betty: Should I run down to the boutique and decorate it for Christmas for tomorrow? It is the official start to the holiday shopping season, after all.

Cindy: You spend way too much time worrying about that darn shop! It’s Thanksgiving, you are not going in to decorate for Christmas.

Velma: Yeah, I don’t think anyone really cares if the story they’re shopping in is decorated for Christmas or not.

Betty: I care! It improves my mood and that makes me want to buy more!

Karl: So that’s why you always spend so much at Walmart.

Betty: No,I spend so much at Walmart because I have a spending addiction.

Steven: Can someone turn the TV up?

Tammi: The parade hasn’t even started yet.

Steven: I know. I’m just tired of hearing everyone talking.

Teri: I find that very relatable.

Seven hours later…

Teri: Jerry, can you speed it up?

Ralph: He does this for every holiday.

Danielle: He’s been going so long, I could’ve driven to Thanksgiving with my kids, eaten, and driven back.

Tammi: Shh, don’t make him start all over again.

Teri: I would kill myself.

Mitchell: All I want is to eat this stuffing. That too much to ask?

Velma: That’s all you ever want to do…

Frank: Why are you al acting like you’re starved, it’s only three in the afternoon.

Teri: Someone take my knife away, I don’t trust myself with it while in the vicinity of Frank.

Jerry: And so that brings us to -

Cindy: Honey, you’re making them mad.

Teri: I didn’t realize Grace was written by Stephen King! Can we shorten it up a bit, please?

Karl: Grace. Let’s eat!

Cindy: Sorry, honey. You flew a little too close to the son there when you were going on your fourteenth minute of talking.

Mitchell: The stuffing’s amazing, Ralph!

Ralph: How could you tell? You practically inhaled it!

Mitchell: I did not! It sat in my mouth just long enough for me to ben able to taste it.

Danielle: This cranberry sauce… it tastes like food.

Ralph: Amazing, isn’t it?

Danielle: I didn’t realize it was capable of doing that.

Betty: I miss the canned stuff. It was a staple!

Steven: I know, it was fun to play with.

Tammi: You don’t play with food!

Steven: Not even when it’s dancing on the plate?

Tammi: Not even then!

Teri: Mmm… just… mmm.

Danielle: Teri’s almost speechless! It’s a Thanksgiving miracle!

Betty: Teri, no middle fingers at the table!

Danielle: I did deserve it, I must admit.

Cindy: Aren’t Thanksgiving dinners just beautiful? What unites a family better than Thanksgiving?

Velma: Divorce proceedings.

Betty: Steven, you’re barely eating. You’re probably not going to have much time to eat tomorrow morning before you go in to work, better fill up now.

Teri: You want him to eat enough to hold him over for thirty hours?

Betty: When you put it that way, it sounds cruel.

Teri: Maybe because it is?

Steven: I have to work tomorrow? Alyssa and I were going to go to Target.

Betty: It’s Black Friday, man! All hands on deck!

Karl: Didn’t you check your schedule?

Steven: What schedule? I just come in every Saturday, I didn’t realize there was a place for me to check.

Teri: Wouldn’t you know it, you really do take after your father in some ways. Never saw it before.

Betty: You work tomorrow, Steven. Please be there.

Steven: Now that I know I know, I will be there.

Cindy: Do we have to talk about work at Thanksgiving dinner? We’re supposed to relax and enjoy it.

Ralph: Yeah, I didn’t hustle in the kitchen for ten hours to have to hear about Black Friday during the twenty minutes I actually spend eating.

Betty: Sorry, everyone. I’m just so nervous about tomorrow, I need people to show up. I even paid to run sale papers in the Richmond area papers. That costs money, money that I don’t have.

Frank: Why did you spend it then?

Teri: Again, someone take the knife away! I can’t control myself!

Betty: You have to spend money to make money sometimes. I’m not surprised you didn’t know that, Frank.

Frank: What is that supposed to mean?

Tammi: I think it would be wise to not ask that.

Mitchell: Okay, so who wants to talk politics?

Teri: I know what can truly bring us all together: Kanye West.

Danielle: I believe he goes by “Yee” now.

Steven: I think it’s “Ye.”

Danielle: It’s “Yee.” Don’t question me.

Karl: I’ve been trying to ask, but I haven’t been able to get a word in: can someone pass the rolls?

Jerry: The burnt rolls? Yes, you can have them.

Karl: Are there non-burnt rolls?

Jerry: I think you know the answer to that.

Ralph: I put mom in charge of one thing…

Betty: I am very stressed!

Teri: I am, too! Abbott Elementary wasn’t on last night!

Jerry: Am I ever going to be able to listen to the game?

Velma: After that rendition of Grace that lasted longer than Stairway to Heaven? No.

Four hours later…

Betty: Okay, everyone. I don’t want to miss out on watching Free Birds, but I need to get some rest before tomorrow. Have fun.

Karl: You’re not staying up for pie?

Betty: I’m still full from dinner.

Ralph: Oh, yeah, that’s gonna linger for a while. We ate a lot of potatoes. Mashed, baked, sweet, au gratin, stuffing… you’re welcome.

Tammi: I didn’t realize until today, when they were all before my eyes, that there were so many ways to prepare a potato.

Danielle: I think I’m going to eat some more mac-n-cheese. That was heaven.

Karl: The pies!

Danielle: Oh, right. I don’t think it would go so well with pumpkin pie. I’ll have pie tomorrow.

Teri: Or… pie tonight, save the macaroni for tomorrow?

Danielle: Why would I do that?

Betty: Yeah, it’s time for bed. I don’t need to hear about the macaroni wars.

The next morning…

Karl: Was it necessary to open up at six AM?

Betty: The big stores opened earlier! We have no choice! Teri and Danielle left a half-hour ago for Target. Velma, Tammi and Cindy are leaving soon for Kohl’s. We’re behind the ball right now.

Mitchell: Do you really think people are going to come in here this early? Is our customer base even awake this time of day?

Betty: Old people? Yeah, we’re notoriously early birds.

Jerry: I’m not going too complain about working early. I was in Afghanistan. This is easy like Sunday morning in comparison.

Mitchell: Steven looks pretty alert.

Steven: What, huh, yeah?

Betty: Look, we’re here!

Steven: Candy Land?

Karl: How late was he up?

Jerry: I went to bed after that Holly Hunter movie. He stayed up. That was… ten?

Mitchell: He said he wanted to watch the Seth Meyers Thanksgiving episode.

Betty: Oh my god, that usually ends at about two in the morning.

Jerry: Seth Meyers? My grandson watches Seth Meyers? This liberal indoctrination is so concerning.

Betty: Look at that!

Jerry: What, is it the wokerati coming to kidnap him to compete the brainwashing?

Betty: People! Lined up outside MY store! Waiting for it to open!

Karl: Wow, that’s a lot of people!

Betty: That reminds me of the line at the Olivia Rodrigo concert I went to.

Steven: Grandma Betty, I served with Olivia Rodrigo. I knew Olivia Rodrigo. Olivia Rodrigo was a friend of mine. Grandma Betty, you're no Olivia Rodrigo.

Karl: Don’t know where that came from, but I guess it’s good to know they’re teaching civics at his school yet.

Betty: Not for much longer if Jerry has a say.

Mitchell: Would it be okay we took the long way to the store? THere’s a lot of people there.

Betty: What long way?

Mitchell: I just dread going in.

Jerry: Mitchell doesn’t want to work. Groundbreaking.

One hour later…

Mitchell: I need a break.

Karl: It’s seven in the morning.

Jerry: Do you know how annoying you gotta be to make Karl snap like that?

Mitchell: Steven got a break!

Betty: Steven looks like a corpse. Back to the floor!

Mitchell: Fine…

Karl: Betty, this is a madhouse. We had to call Frank in as a bouncer because there are more people in line than we are legally allowed to let in here!

Betty: Yeah, I’m not letting Steven live that one down. I wouldn't have to be working with his dad if he were just conscious!

Karl: Give him an hour, he’ll be awake and recharged.

Betty: I doubt it. I still say we dumb cold water on him and then give him a caramel espresso with a Five Hour Energy poured in.

Jerry: I have to run to the back and get more stock. I’ve never said those words before!

Betty: I am such a genius businesswoman.

Two hours later, Betty gets a phone call.

Betty: Is something the matter?

Teri: You’re in some mood! That bad?

Betty: By seven, we broke a record for our highest sales day ever. We had to bring Frank in as a bouncer because you many people were in line!

Teri: The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat.

Betty: Yeah, it’s a real range of emotions. Anyway, can’t talk. I see two people screaming at each other and Mitchell seems unlikely to break it up.

Mitchell: Not my problem!

Teri: I understand, just wanted to check in on you. Danielle and I are going to get back to shopping soon, we've been in line at Target for about twenty minutes and it’s a real downer in here. So many disappointed faces.

Betty: Why the disappointment?

Teri: If they ever existed at all, all the good deals are gone!

Betty: Well patrons of Betty’s Boutique can non agree.

Teri: No need to gloat!

Karl: Betty, register please! I need to get something to drink, I’m parched.

Betty: All right, bye honey! Karl, I’m on it.

Betty hangs up.

Alicia: Wow, it’s wild in here.

Betty: Congresswoman Spanheim! What are you doing shopping on Black Friday? And here?

Alicia: Even congresswomen need to have a bit of fun. Whose life is ever complete without fighting another mom for the last pair of Frozen socks for their kids’ Christmas stocking?

Betty: Black Friday truly is a rite of passage, isn’t it?

Alicia: It’s America at our very worst. Love every minute of it.

Betty: I’m so glad I’ve got another… nine hours left to savor it.

Mitchell: Don’t remind me!

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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