TOMMY
You ready for the big debate?
DARNELL
I’m ready for the debate. These things don’t really tend to change anyone’s minds though.
CASEY
Are you kidding? Your presidential run tanked because you did terrible at the debate!
TOMMY
Just try to stay on stage the whole time this time, okay?
DARNELL
No promises.
TOMMY
Darnell.
DARNELL
They started it!
CASEY
Alright never mind the presidential primary debate, let’s focus on this one. Remember your messaging, Darnell.
DARNELL
Messaging. Isn’t that just a fancy word for gaslighting?
TOMMY
Yep.
CASEY
Gaslight them if it’s the last thing you do before running off stage mid-debate.
DARNELL
Sounds like a plan.
DARNELL hears his name called and walks on stage.
DEBATE MODERATOR
Welcome to the debate between the two candidates for U.S. House in the 19th district of Ohio. Candidates, you have 30 seconds to make an opening statement. We will start with you, Ellen.
ELLEN
Hello one and all. Now, I know what you are thinking. What’s a Senator doing running for House? Doesn’t she have it all? Well sometimes we all have to try something new.
ELLEN lets out a loud and fake laugh.
ELLEN
Anyways, I am running to represent you because, really, Ohio as a whole is a lost cause. I tried. I really did. But at this point, I’m just here to try to salvage my home district because this state is
DEBATE MODERATOR
And that’s your time. Darnell.
DARNELL
What?
DEBATE MODERATOR
Opening statement, please.
DARNELL
Oh! Yeah. Hey everyone, I’m Darnell, you might know me as the former CEO of Quizzical Quiz, emphasis on CEO. I have experience running a big company and understanding people, not just living in a Washington bubble like Ellen over here. And most importantly, I am not a radical socialist.
DEBATE MODERATOR
Senator, you’re response?
ELLEN
Well quite frankly that’s just not true, people like to call Washington a bubble but if it was a bubble, it would’ve popped a long time ago, right?
ELLEN lets out another loud and awkward laugh.
DEBATE MODERATOR
Alright let’s move onto our first topic of the night: Michigan.
ELLEN
Hate them.
DARNELL
I agree here, we have a real crisis at the border where people are literally swimming Lake Michigan to get out of Michigan, so my solution is to hire border security to keep as many people in this country as we can. We can’t afford to keep letting people out of here willy nilly.
DEBATE MODERATOR
Sorry, they…swim across Lake Michigan?
DARNELL nods his head.
DEBATE MODERATOR
Well I guess that’s your position on immigration, Senator, yours?
ELLEN
Unlike my opponent, I am a moderate on this issue.
DEBATE MODERATOR
Care to go further?
ELLEN
I am willing to call out the radicals across both sides of the aisle here, and on all issues.
DARNELL
Not true, you’re a radical socialist and you know it.
DEBATE MODERATOR
Darnell, not your turn. Moving on to our next topic, the Supreme Court. Senator, what are your thoughts on President Roosevelt’s attempts to stack the court?
ELLEN
President…Roosevelt?
DEBATE MODERATOR
You heard me.
ELLEN
Well that was a lot time ago.
DEBATE MODERATOR
Darnell, yours?
DARNELL
Just because something was a long time ago doesn’t mean it’s irrelevant. He wanted radical socialism and attempted to stack the court to do so, and my opponent supports that. I do not. I am against radical socialism.
DEBATE MODERATOR
OK then, so we’ve toughed upon your thoughts on Michigan and Roosevelt stacking the court, the third and final issue on the minds of voters in this district is the economy.
ELLEN
As a Senator, I have plenty of real world experience with the economy. I co-sponsored 17 bills making life financially better for everyday Americans.
DARNELL
Well as the CEO of a large company, I ACTUALLY have experience with this, unlike you. You think you make life better with your fancy bills and everything, but the reality is you had no experience going into this and all of them promote radical socialism.
DEBATE MODERATOR
Alright candidates, closing statements?
ELLEN
As a proud moderate, I will represent this district in Ohio to the best of my abilities. I have the experience with working with everyone to get good things done, including defeating radical socialism.
DARNELL
Lies. She’s a radical socialist and everyone knows it. Look, there are two choices in this election. You can choose the radical socialist, or you could choose me. God bless the 23rd district of Ohio.
DEBATE MODERATOR
And that does it for this debate!
DARNELL exits the stage and meets TOMMY and CASEY.
TOMMY
There is no 23rd district of Ohio.
DARNELL
I am so losing this election aren’t I.
CASEY
You bet.