The Princess Royal Season 2 Episode 7- Sir Charge

The Princess Royal Season 2, Episode 7
Sir Charge

Claude, Christine, Eleanor and Arthur are talking in the sitting room.

Arthur: Isn’t the Prime Minister meeting with you today? What’d you call us in for?

Claude: Unfortunately I do have to see her again, yes. This meeting won’t last for too long, though. I just wanted to ask all of you your opinions on an idea I’ve had recently.

Eleanor: Are you getting a dog? I like dogs, I approve. Has to be a dog that gets along with my corgis, though. They’re my greatest joy.

Claude: That warms the heart.

Christine: No, we are not getting a dog. We can’t provide the proper care for one, we’re much too busy. It’s abusive to get a dog and never be a round it, it’s no life for them.

Arthur: I didn’t realize you were such an animal rights activist. Shall I call PETA?

Christine: PETA? Didn’t aunt Marina used to date a PETA?

Arthur: That was Peter, not PETA!

Christine: Oh, right.

Claude: Why do you all ramble all the time when I want to ask a question?

Christine: Just spit it out, we’ll shut up. We’re just spewing nonsense.

Claude: Well that’s for sure.

Eleanor: Hey, watch it. You may be king, but she’ll still put you on the couch tonight if you step out of line. My mum did it to my dad.

Claire: Are you guys through in there? We have a ceremony to get to!

Christine: You brought your wife and left her out there? In the car?

Arthur: I was told this would be quick.

Claude: I think I won’t be the only one sleeping on the couch tonight.

Eleanor: Tell us the question, Claude! We all have things to do.

Claude: I’m strongly considering, but can be convinced against, knighting Fred.

Christine: You mean, like, visiting him in the night?

Claire: I think he means -

Christine: I know what he means! What he means is silly!

Claude: How is it silly? We’ve gotten a lot closer, and I think this is a way for me to show how much I value my relationship with Olivia.

Arthur: Is this something Olivia would even care about? She doesn't seem like the type to be phased by you knighting her husband.

Claude: She knows how much it means to me, I don’t hand out knighthoods willy-nilly.

Eleanor: Are you saying I did?

Claude: I don’t think I mentioned you, did I?

Christine: I just think knighthoods should be earned, not handed out as gifts to relatives to make them feel good.

Claire: Do they even matter at all? It’s just a courtesy title. It’s not like he’s being put in the House of Lords.

Christine: I can not believe those words even spilled out of your mouth! I’d expect that from whatshername -

Claire: Alicia?

Christine: but not you! Her anti-British American ways are rubbing off on you, you’re spending too much time with her. Courtesy title!

Eleanor: She isn’t wrong.

Christine: Excuse me?

Eleanor: It’s a title that doesn’t mean all that much. An honor to receive, sure, but it’s not like we’re putting them on money. They just get to say “Sir” before their names for the remainder of the lives. Big deal.

Christine: I guess I’m the only member of this family who still has any sort of regard for traditions.

Eleanor: Aside from Claire, you’re the only high-ranking member of this family who isn’t related by blood! It’s not your valor to even be defending here.

Christine: I am not about to stand by and be disrespected.

Eleanor: And yet, here you still sit.

Christine: I knew that their big return was going to fracture this family. I knew it!

Eleanor: The way I see it, you’re the one fracturing the family by acting like this.

Christine: Excuse me?

Eleanor: You’re so opposed to the very idea of offering a kind gesture to Frederick. Obviously, we’ve had our differences, but he’s been n important member of this family since Olivia returned. He’s always here for us.

Christine: I do appreciate that, but knighting someone is supposed to be for service to the country, not to the family.

Claude: So you’re a no, mum seems to be a yes. Arthur, what are you thinking?

Arthur: Oh, you actually want to know?

Claude: Of course, I value your opinion so dearly.

Arthur: I agree with granny, it doesn’t matter all that much, might as well offer it to him.

Claude: Good to see such rousing excitement for this plan.

Claire: Hard to get excited about having to call someone “sir” and absolutely nothing else happening whatsoever.

Claude: That’s not true. He also gets a medal.

Claire: And I love that for him.

Claude: All right, then. I’ll let Olivia know.

Eleanor: I believe it’s customary to let the recipient know first. I only have about sixty years of experience with this, though, so what do I know?

Claude: I will get right on that, don’t you worry. Before that, though, I have to get ready for my meeting with the Prime Minister.

Christine: I’ll fetch the nausea pills.

Claude: I actually don’t think I’ll need them this week. Spending a bit of time with her daughter last week made me detest here a bit less.

Arthur: It’s good to see personal growth, father.

Claude: Don’t be too proud of me. I’ve already got a few pills in my pocket in case of an emergency.

The next day, Olivia picks up the phone.

Claude: Hello, dearest sister.

Olivia: I am your only sister.

Claude: Are you incapable of accepting compliments?

Olivia: No, just incapable of going without teasing you. What are you calling about?

Claude: Is Fred there?

Olivia: Why, are you going to say something he can’t hear? He’s my husband, and I love him. You have to stop being so hostile towards him!

Claude: I want to speak with him.

Olivia: Oh, you have jokes now. Everyone’s a joker, even the king.

Claude: I’m not joking, I want to speak with Fred.

Olivia: Oh no. Do I have cancer?

Claude: What? How does that even make any sense?

Olivia: You’re the king, you have ways of knowing.

Claude: You do not have cancer.

Olivia: How would you know? You’re not my doctor.

Claude: You are exhausting!

Olivia: I know.

Claude: Could you hand the phone over to Fred?

Olivia: Fred! Got a call for you!

Claude: Why don’t you just take it to him?

Olivia: I can’t.

Claude: Don’t tell me you have a corded landline.

Olivia: Some of us don’t cater to the ever-changing whims of society.

Fred: Who is it?

Olivia: My brother. Your king.

Fred: I like to think that we have a closer relationship than that. We’re family.

Olivia: Whatever you have to tell yourself. Here ya go.

Claude: Frederick, is that you?

Fred: Yes, she has allowed me to have the phone.

Claude: That’s a very good thing, because I have exciting news.

Fred: How exciting!

Claude: You do not have to accept if it makes you uncomfortable, I want you to be aware of that. However, I would truly love it if you accepted my invitation to bestow you with a knighthood.

Fred: Me? You have the right number? Were you trying to call Freddie Mercury? Bit late for that, I’m afraid.

Claude: Don’t be so modest! You deserve this!

Fred: As great as I do find myself to be, I’m not sure that I do. What have I done to earn it?

Claude: You’ve been a calm, reassuring, uniting presence in this family at a time when we needed it most. That is in the public’s best interest, not just ours.

Fred: I wouldn’t say I’ve been uniting. I did somewhat split the family for the better part of two decades.

Claude: Water under the bridge!

Fred: You truly feel, in your heart, that I deserve this?

Claude: Off course. What do Paul McCartney and Elton John have that you don’t?

Fred: Talent? Fans? Careers?

Claude: Don’t be so negative about yourself, you sound like Christine.

Fred: Christine?

Claude: She was up in a huff about this yesterday afternoon. Said it wasn’t “earned,” much like you said.

Fred: That’s heartwarming.

Claude: I disagreed, vehemently. So did mum, who made an excellent point about the subjectivity of knighted and how it’s really more of a courtesy title than anything. I’m not actually asking you to knight’s armor and guard the castle.

Fred: So I earned it because it doesn’t really take anything to earn it? That’s cool. Very, as the kids say, “rad.”

Claude: What kids?

Fred: Some of them, I’m sure.

Claude: Perhaps in the 1960s.

Fred: People born in the 1960s ARE kids to us!

Claude: I’m finding it a bit difficult to grasp your position on being knighted, if I’m being honest.

Fred: I’m honored, and I will accept, even though you’ve essentially told me that it doesn’t matter much, which has rained on my parade.

Claude: I worded that completely incorrectly. Of course it matters! It’s a sign of admiration and respect for a lifetime of service to this country. You certainly fit the bill.

Fred: I don’t know if I’m fully convinced you buy that, but I’ll still accept it. As I said, I am honored and I do appreciate it. Mainly because “Sir Frederick Ansling” sounds extremely cool to say.

Claude: That it does. Olivia will be calling you “Sir Fred,” though.

Fred: She’s called me worse.

Claude: So, I will start planning the ceremony. Or, rather, I’ll have someone else start planning it. It’ll be a lot of fun, we’ll have lots of other guests and a big dinner party.

Fred: Are there going to be musical performances? I would like Dua Lipa to perform.

Claude: It’s an accolade ceremony, not the Kennedy Center Honors.

Fred: Can you at least make Dua Lipa a dame so I can meet her?

Claude: No.

Fred: What about Olivia Rodrigo?

Claude: She’s not even British!

Fred: It was worth a try. What about Adele?

Claude: At least you picked someone British this time.

Fred: Is that a yes?

Claude: We’ll see.

Fred: Hello! You’re the best!

Claude: I’m aware.

Fred hangs up.

Fred: Some news…

Olivia: You’re dying. I knew this day would come, but I just wasn’t ready for it to be today.

Fred: What? I was on the phone with your brother. And what do you mean you “knew this day would come?”

Olivia: Everyone dies.

Fred: How did you “know” I would die before you?

Olivia: Just a feeling. We all have inklings, you know?

Fred: I am not dyign.

Olivia: Wonderful news!

Fred: Claude called me to offer me knighthood.

Olivia: Excuse me?

Fred: I was surprised myself.

Olivia: You turned him down, right?

Fred: Why would I turn him down? That would be lunacy.

Olivia: It’s pretty clearly just an attempt at emotional manipulation. Trying to get on my good side. Our good side.

Fred: My dear, the world does not revolve around you.

Olivia: I’ve never said that it does.

Fred: What I’m trying to say is that this does not seem like an attempt at manipulating anyone. He’s trying to show that I’ve been accepted by the family. Other than Christine, apparently.

Olivia: Of course. He’s manipulating you, not me.

Fred: Can’t you just appreciate a nice gesture? I don’t find myself to be particularly deserving of this, but I won't turn it down. It’ll be fun.

Olivia: I get that, Sir Fred.

Fred: Claude knew you were going to say that, in that exact tone, too.

Olivia: It’s just silly. Knighthood is silly. What does one person get the power to choose who gets to use silly little titles like “sir” or “dame”?

Fred: you sound like Meredith Trayman.

Olivia: Ignoring that,  usually the monarch isn’t even the sole person choosing it. You think my mother knows who The Rolling Stones are?

Fred: I would assume so, yes.

Olivia: Of course she does, I was just exaggerating. She surely didn't think Mick Jagger was worthy of being a knight.

Fred: Claude better knight Keith Richards. Anyone who is still breathing after all of that is surely deserving of special recognition.

Olivia: I will attend the ceremony with you, I will support you, I’m even a bit happy for you. I just want you to know, he has ulterior motives for this.

Fred: You can say that about anyone in regards to any kind deed that they do.

Olivia: Not me. I always do things out of the goodness of my heart.

Fred: Good to see you’ve still got your sense of humor.

Two weeks later…

Gigi: I can’t believe mum didn’t come.

Todd: Yeah, why do I have to be here when she didn’t have to be.

Fred: Please stop complaining like whiny teenagers.

Todd: You’re not our real dad, you can’t tell us what to do!

Gigi: Todd… dial it back.

Todd: I was just joking, sorry.

Fred: Your mother is under the weather. She tried to push herself to be here, but I wouldn’t let her come with such a blaring headache.

Gigi: How convenient. A headache to get her out of getting glammed up.

Todd: I think she just didn’t want to see Christine.

Fred: Why are you both like this?

Gigi: Mum raised us.

Fred: That does explain it.

Ethan: The guest of honor is here!

Fred: Sure not used to hearing that.

Ethan: I’ve been put in charge of making sure you make it to the accolade ceremony.

Gigi: Wow, that’s a big job.

Ethan: It sure is! If I do a good job they may even make me the official hall monitor of Buckingham Palace.

Gigi: Be honest, uncle Ethan. How degrading is it to be your brother-in-law’s royal escort?

Ethan: It’s not great, Geeg. It’s not great.

Olivia: Well, I could do it instead if you want!

Fred: Liv, what are you doing here?

Gigi: Did you teleport here?

Olivia: No, I drove, like the approachable working-class hero I am.

Fred: You weren’t even showered when I left.

Gigi: You didn’t shower, mum? Gross!

Olivia: I showered! I knew I had plenty of time, since you had to pick up Gigi and Todd first. I also, perhaps, sped a little bit.

Ethan: I’m telling Claude.

Olivia: I’m not scared.

Ethan: I’m telling mum.

Olivia: I beg of you, don’t do it.

Fred: Did Claude get Adele?

Arthur: Ethan, Olivia, what is taking you so long? Where is Fred? Papa is getting frantic!

Fred: Right here!

Arthur: Oh, good. I’ll let him know.

Fred: Adele. She here?

Ethan: Do you not think you’d have heard already if Adele was being made a dame today?

Fred: I don’t know, I don’t watch the news. I don’t Instagram.

Todd: What self-respecting Dua Lipa fan doesnt’ use Instagram? You’re missing so many selfies.

Gigi: I’m telling the Prime Minister’s daughter you said that.

Todd: What, that Dua Lipa posts selfies?

Olivia: What is a selfie? It sounds pornographic.

Gigi: To think, hundreds of years of history made in these walls. So many incredible world leaders have visited. All leading up to mom saying the word “pornographic” right here, right now. That’s history.

Olivia: Thank you. Means a lot to me.

Claude: What are you all doing out here talking?

Fred: I’m sorry, they’re arguing about, well, I’m not really sure.

Ethan: I did my best to get them in, no one wanted to come.

Claude: Members of this family dragging their heels and being late is far from a surprise. 

Ethan: Exactly, this is not my fault. Please don’t demote me. Don’t make me perform all the royal duties in Liverpool.

Todd: What’s wrong with Liverpool?

Ethan: You ever been to Liverpool? Even the name is gross!

Claude: Can we please get to the ceremony?

Fred: Yes, I think that’s a great idea.

Eleanor: Where are you? Adele is getting testy!

Fred: Adele? you said she wa-

Ethan: I couldn’t let Olivia’s “surprise” be upstaged.

Olivia: I appreciate it.

Gigi: So, can we get this moving? I want to meet Dame Adele. I need her to sing Rumour Has It for me.

Fred: Not before I get to meet her!

Claude: I think he’s more excited to meet Adele than to be knighted.

Olivia: Can you blame him?

Ethan: Imagine if you’d gotten Dua Lipa.

Claude: He’s still talking about her? Let it go!

What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for the new episode next week!

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