DARNELL, CASEY, and TOMMY gather around the DARNELL’s computer on a website showing the live results.
DARNELL
Good news guys. I’ve been reading online that the national environment has been looking really well for the Republicans. I think I can pull this off after all.
TOMMY
And that’s good news…how exactly?
DARNELL
I’m not ACTUALLY gonna go all Republican if I get elected, I’m just gonna hang out in the House for a little bit, do some TV appearances, and make my way up to some worthwhile position. Then, next thing you know, I’m President!
CASEY
We know the plan. Still not thrilled about it but I guess this pays the bills.
DARNELL
Also, the latest poll from after the debate has me up 1 point. This isn’t me being delusional like I was when I thought I was gonna do well in the Iowa caucus.
TOMMY
You see, the thing about that poll was that an unprecedented 17% still said they were undecided.
CASEY
Yeah, your numbers tanked after the debate. Your just lucky Ellen’s did as well.
DARNELL
Ellen…
CASEY
Your opponent?
DARNELL
Right. So do you think this radical socialism schtick is working?
TOMMY
I think Ellen being a boring candidate who scares people is what you have going for you. People are still angry over that video where you pretended you were in Ohio when you weren’t.
DARNELL
Website’s updating! I won!!! By a landslide too!!!
TOMMY
What?! Already?! I know it’s a small district but…let me see that…Darnell, 1% of the vote is in.
DARNELL
Oh.
CASEY
At least you’re not down 40 points like you were when the primary vote count started.
TOMMY
Yeah but things could change, it could be the opposite this time. He could lose by 40.
DARNELL
Don’t say that!
CASEY
Wow, the votes are coming in quick now…
DARNELL
What am I, down by 3?
TOMMY
Yup.
DARNELL
What are my chances of winning?
TOMMY
Less than they were when you were ahead.
Everyone stares in silence at the computer, waiting for more results to come in. When 100% of the vote comes in, they find out Darnell lost by 1.3 percentage points.
DARNELL
So…that was a failed plan.
CASEY
Sorry Darnell.
DARNELL
Guess I have to address my supporters now.
TOMMY
Supporters? You have an Election Day party going on?
DARNELL
Of course I do!
CASEY
We’ll accompany you.
TOMMY
We will?
DARNELL
No need, I can just address them remotely.
DARNELL starts a video call.
DARNELL
Hello, everyone. As you may have seen, the results are in, and they’re saying that with 100% of the vote, we are down by 1.3 percentage points.
The crowd of roughly 15 people starts to boo.
DARNELL
I am not quite conceding, because to concede admits defeat, but rather announcing something else.
The crowd gasps.
DARNELL
Today, I am OFFICIALLY launching my bid for Governor!
The crowd cheers.
DARNELL waves and ends the call.
TOMMY
Governor? Really?
DARNELL
Oh don’t worry, you don’t have to be involved if you don’t want to. In fact, maybe I should fire you for being on two losing campaigns. Same goes for you Casey.
TOMMY
Okay.
TOMMY and CASEY walk out.
DARNELL [to himself]
What have I done.
DARNELL takes out his phone and searches when the next election for Governor in the United States is.
DARNELL [to himself]
Looks like I’m moving down South.