Marietta, Amy, Tammy and Henrietta are at lunch.
Amy: What are you girls dogging for Thanksgiving?
Marietta: I don’t know what they’re doing. I’m going to my parents’ house, as always. I will need plentiful amounts of alcohol and maybe some pills to survive it.
Tammy: I’m sort of undecided.
Amy: It’s in four days!
Tammy: I’m planning to go to Patty Lynn and Martin’s. That feels, to me, like the logical choice here. However… I’m afraid Marietta will have one of her infamous Thanksgiving breakdowns and need a place to go.
Marietta: You melt down one time and suddenly it’s a whole “thing”!
Tammy: It was pretty bad.
Amy: And you were just joking about needing to self-medicate too get yourself through it again.
Marietta: Exactly, I was joking. Thanksgiving is one of the greatest days of the year.
Henrietta: It is my Vietnam.
Amy: Oh my god, Henrietta looks sad! Henrietta!
Tammy: I didn’t know she could dislike something.
Henrietta: Charlotte… I love her but she drives me crazy.
Tammy: We’re all parents. We know.
Henrietta: You know, I’m going to our family dinner, but I like to make a side. I like to feel like I contributed. I want it fresh, so I do it Thanksgiving morning. Charlotte wants to watch the parade and she cries and carries on whenever I walk away from it. Hence my apprehension.
Marietta: How much does she cry?
Amy: Certainly no more than Tammy does on a daily basis.
Tammy: You’re cruel.
Amy: I know.
Henrietta: Enough for the entire house to hear it and think I’m doing something awful to her.
Marietta: Can’t your mom sit with her during it?
Henrietta: It doesn’t matter who is with her. As long as I’m not, she cries.
Tammy: Pre-school will be fun.
Henrietta: She’s not going, I’m putting her straight into kindergarten next year.
Marietta: What are you making for Thanksgiving?
Henrietta: Green bean casserole.
Marietta: Don’t worry about it. Just buy a pie. That will be appreciated. Let Charlotte enjoy her endless parade.
Henrietta: Are you sure?
Marietta: Yes, we’re all willing to sacrifice the green bean casserole for you to share these precious moments with your daughter.
Henrietta: I can try to find some pre-prepared green bean casserole at the store or something.
Marietta: No, pie. Please.
Henrietta: Okay, will do.
Tammy: You know what? I just decided, I’m going to come to dinner at Patty Lynn and Martin’s.
Amy: All it took was for you to know you wouldn’t have to eat green bean casserole?
Tammy: That was uncalled for.
Amy: Yes, that’s what most people tend to say when I offer to make green bean casserole.
Henrietta: Do you all hate it?
Marietta: I don’t hate it, I’m really going to miss it this year!
Tammy: I think we have to get back to work, don’t we?
Marietta: How much work could we possibly have at the mayor’s office?
Tammy: For one, you have a meeting with the director of Public Works. Also, the activities director for the Thanksgiving parade is coming to to talk with you.
Marietta: Fine, we have work. Henrietta, finish your sandwich.
Amy: Well, no one asked about MY Thanksgiving plans, but Don and I are having a lovely dinner at home with our kids! Just thought I’d get that out before we went back to work.
Marietta: You’re right, Amy. No one asked.
Meanwhile, in DC…
Milton: Ladies, you would not BELIEVE the day I’m having.
Ellie: I feel like we always turn into the Golden Girls whenever Milton stops by.
Kate: So good to see you, Milton. You know Senator-Elect Melody Choi.
Milton: Of course I do, I still vividly remember getting frantic calls from her thinking she was going to lose her race.
Melody: Sorry about that!
Milton: No need to feel sorry, we all get anxious. Even when we’re running in California and our opponent is a member of a cult.
Melody: I blame the pregnancy hormones. I’m sorry.
Ellie: Is she -
Kate: Shut up!
Milton: No need to cry, it’s all okay. No one’s mad at you. I wanted to talk to Kate and Ellie, but you can stay if you want. You’re clearly in a fragile state.
Melody: That would be nice, thank you.
Ellie: She’s definitely our Rose.
Kate: You’re the Sofia, because you’re mean.
Ellie: Thank you.
Kate: So, Milton, what did you come in here to tell us?
Milton: Oh, that’s right, there was a reason I came in here. Can’t remember it now.
Kate: We won’t believe the day you had.
Milton: Oh, right! Moira asked me if I wanted to go to her parents’ house for Thanksgiving.
Ellie: And we won’t believe that because…?
Milton: Well, I’ve just had an unlucky day in general.
Kate: You wanna talk unlucky? I flew to Louisiana last week to give someone an engagement ring to someone who apparently found a different ring. Nightmare!
Milton: I’m sorry about that. I didn’t realize you were personally flying down.
Kate: I’m only giving you a hard time. I got to spend a couple hours with my friends and celebrate your engagement. Certainly no nightmare.
Melody: You got engaged? Oh, that brings a tear to my eye!
Ellie: What doesn’t?
Kate hits Ellie with her elbow.
Ellie: What was that for?
Kate: Figure it out.
Ellie: What? She’s very emotional, that’s all I’m saying. I wasn’t expecting it from a world-class ice dancer, they tend to be quite stoic.
Melody: I’m very emotional, it’s why I never won gold.
Kate: You’re gonna make her cry again, Ellie.
Ellie: All right, we’ll talk about something less emotional: Thanksgiving! Milton, you mentioned Moira wants you to go to her parents’ place.
Kate: I was also wondering how your fiancée asking you to come home for Thanksgiving with her is “unlucky.”
Milton: Have you met my mother?
Kate: She’s a lot, yeah.
Ellie: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Milton: I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here.
Kate: Let me give you some advice: you never pick the mother over the wife or fiancée. That’s why the divorce rate is so high.
Milton: She gave birth to me! And I’m so keenly aware of that because that’s what she tells me every time I go against her.
Kate: What if you split your time? Many families do that, I did when I was engaged and a newlywed.
Milton: They live in Baton Rouge.
Ellie: Is a ride to Baton Rouge not worth it to make the two most important women in your life happy?
Milton: I think Sarah would be happy if I didn’t come to our family Thanksgiving.
Kate: Well, you have some time to de-
Ellie: Choi, what are you crying about now?
Melody: I can’t go home for Thanksgiving this year.
Kate: You did it now, Ellie. Good job.
Three days later…
Patty Lynn: Sarah, help me open my texts.
Sarah: You don’t know how to? Still?
Patty Lynn: Can you get in the spirit of the holiday and just show me?
Sarah: I don’t see what texting has to do with turkey.
Kathleen: It’s about giving. Can you please give your grandmother the gift of knowing what her text message said?
Patty Lynn: It’s from Amy, I’m very curious about what it is. What if something happened to Marietta?
Martin: She would probably call you, no?
Patty Lynn: What if she can’t call? What if they’ve been taken hostage?
Kathleen: Your mind frightens me.
Patty Lynn: Thank you.
Sarah: Here. Your text is here.
Patty Lynn: How did you do that?
Sarah: I clicked on it.
Patty Lynn: That’s all?
Sarah: Yes. That’s all. How long have you owned a cell phone?
Patty Lynn: Go to your room.
Sarah: You’re welcome for all that help!
Martin: What does the text say?
Kathleen: Has Marietta been taken hostage?
Patty Lynn: “Hello Patty Lynn, I hope this message finds you well.”
Kathleen: She does know this is a text, not a Christmas card, right?
Patty Lynn: “Thanksgiving dinner plans with my children have fallen through for various reasons and I was wondering if you could make a space for Don and I at your Thanksgiving table.”
Martin: What’s two more?
Patty Lynn: I’ll let her know she can come.
Sarah: Do you need help texting?
Patty Lynn: Room!
Sarah: I don’t have a room!
Patty Lynn: Text sent!
Kathleen: “Hay Ant, WE 3wd lovr 2 ha ve yiou at THHHHHHHHHhanksgivin.”
Martin: The message came across pretty clearly, no?
Kathleen: Did it?
Patty Lynn: I did what I could!
Sarah: Why were there so many Hs?
Patty Lynn: I kept typing it until I could get the caps lock off.
Sarah: You didn’t think to go back and fix it?
Patty Lynn: Amy just replied!
Sarah: Should I h-
Patty Lynn: I can tap it all by myself.
Martin: You’re feisty today, honey.
Patty Lynn: Darn right I am!
Kathleen: Does Amy need a translation from gibberish to English?
Patty Lynn: “Thank you so much for the kindness. We were wondering if you could have dinner prepared by noon so we are available to get home in the event one of our kids is able to fly in after all? I understand if you can’t, thank you.”
Kathleen: Noon?
Patty Lynn: That’s only two hours earlier than normal! This is an outrage!
Martin: Play it like Shark Tank. Counter offer immediately! One o’clock!
Patty Lynn: How am I the one reacting the most normally to this? Kathleen looks like she’s a Jersey Housewife and Martin seems to think this his a game.
Sarah: I was wondering the same thing!
Patty Lynn: We’ll do it at one.
Patty Lynn received a phone call.
Martin: You must not have gotten back to Amy fast enough.
Patty Lynn: It’s Milton. What if he-
Martin: No one has taken him hostage.
Patty Lynn picks up the phone.
Milton: Mom! Glad you answered!
Patty Lynn: I will always answer.
Milton: Aww. I have some news to share.
Patty Lynn: That’s never good.
Milton: Well… I’ve been thinking about this, and I love you very much -
Patty Lynn: I’m crying already. Even more than when Len Goodman left Dancing with the Stars.
Milton: I can only spend part of the day at your house for Thanksgiving. Moira and I are going to see her parents for part of the day as well. We’re going to come by around four if that’s okay?
Patty Lynn: Four, huh?
Milton: We don’t usually eat until later. That early half is usually just us sitting around waiting for you to finish the turkey while we watch the parade and football.
Patty Lynn: Dinner is at one this year, Milton.
Milton: That’s set in stone?
Patty Lynn: How about you come earlier and leave our place at four?
Milton: I guess we can try. Sorry for disappointing you.
Patty Lynn: It’ll all be okay. This is not going to happen on Christmas, though!
Milton: I know.
Patty Lynn: Not after last year!
Milton: Bye, mom!
Patty Lynn hangs up.
Patty Lynn: I am never doing this again! No!
Martin: What happened there?
Patty Lynn: He’s going to Moira’s parents for Thanksgiving -
Kathleen: Gross!
Patty Lynn: and he can only stay here for half the day.
Kathleen (singing, off-key): You betrayed me!
Sarah: That was so bad, Olivia Rodrigo dropped dead just so she can roll over in her grave.
Martin: How does this make you feel, Patty Lynn?
Patty Lynn: Not good! First of all, my baby is moving on from me.
Kathleen: He is not!
Patty Lynn: Second, accommodating everyone is getting too much. I’m taking a page from Len Goodman and retiring after this year. No more Thanksgivings.
Kathleen: Why do you keep bringing up Len Goodman?
Sarah: Who is Len Goodman?
Patty Lynn: I am very emotional! He was my favorite part of Dancing with the Stars!
Three days later…
Marietta: Mom, where is your alcohol?
Patty Lynn: It isn’t even noon yet!
Marietta: Have you seen those people out there?
Patty Lynn: Top cabinet, behind the cookbooks.
Marietta: You are an angel.
Patty Lynn: I know.
Eliza: Patty Lynn, do you need any help in here?
Elena: We are ready and willing to help! Mainly because we had to get out of the living room.
Eliza: Too many cooks in the kitchen!
Patty Lynn: You can put the buns on the pan.
Eliza: Will do!
Elena: I love these buns.
Eliza: As much as my buns?
Elena: There are two different answers to that question depending on which buns you mean.
Patty Lynn: Aww, love is love.
Sarah: I need my sparkling cider.
Patty Lynn: It’s starting to feel like Grand Central Station in here.
Sarah: I wouldn’t know, no one’s ever allowed me to go to New York.
Eliza: Isn’t Thanksgiving magical?
Patty Lynn: Yup…
Two hours later…
Moira: Patty Lynn, I just wanted to thank you for being so understanding.
Amy: And I wanted to thank you for rearranging everything for me. This is so sweet and so appreciated.
Patty Lynn: You’re welcome, girls. Now, let me go grab the turkey so we can eat.
Sarah: Yeah, aunt Marietta looks like she’s about to fall out of her seat. We need some foot to sober her up.
Henrietta: I’ll hold her up. I’m used to dealing with toddlers.
Marietta (singing): So I say thank you for the vodka, the booze I’m drinkin’!
Mitch: I feel like I’m watching an episode of Cheers.
Tammy: Current reference there, babe.
Patty Lynn: Here it is! The bird of the hour!
Milton: Oh, it looks beautiful!
Patty Lynn: Before you all dig in -
Sarah: We’re not saying Grace.
Patty Lynn: I have something to tell you all. After much consideration, and forty-plus years of Thanksgiving dinners, I am retiring from hosting Thanksgiving. I don’t know who will take up the mantle, but that can be decided later. What’s important is that I pass the torch and begin a new generation of memories.
Tammy: This is all Amy’s fault!
Patty Lynn: This is no one’s fault!
Marietta: Mom -
Henrietta: Don’t stand, you are not able to stand.
Marietta You have helped us make so many memories, helped make Thanksgiving a time were all love -
Tammy: Do you, though?
Marietta; Thank you for everything.
Martin: Let’s give her a toast. To Patty Lynn!
Milton: To mom!
Sarah: To grandma!
Patty Lynn: Okay, fine, I’ll come out of retirement. Maybe.
What did you think of this week's episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
