Marietta, Tammy and Mitch walk into Amy’s house.
Marietta: We have arrived!
Amy: Look at you! You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht.
Marietta: What on earth does that mean?
Amy: I don’t know, and I’m going to guess neither does Carly Simon.
Tammy: I can’t believe you didn’t know that was from You’re So Vain. Shame on you.
Marietta: I knew it was from You’re So Vain, I just don’t know what the hell it’s supposed to mean.
Mitch: Anyway, happy birthday, Amy!
Amy: Thank you, Mitch. You wished mew happy birthday before my best friends!
Tammy: Since when are we best friends?
Amy: What a Tammy thing to say!
Patty Lynn: Look who’s finally arrived! We’re all very happy to see you get here before the new year.
Marietta: The start time listen on the invitation was five minutes ago. This is called being fashionably late.
Patty Lynn: No such thing! It’s never in fashion to keep people waiting!
Tammy: I think this was mostly Mitch’s fault, sorry about that.
Mitch: It most certainly was not.
Marietta: Whoever’s fault it was, we’re not the most late people here. Where is Kathleen?
Martin: She had to run to the drug store.
Sarah: Yeah, she’s a real junkie.
Milton: Do not.
Martin: She’s got a cold, her doctor called in some medicine for her.
Marietta: Remind me to stay away from her then.
Patty Lynn: She insists she isn’t contagious.
Marietta: I’ve heard that before. It’s always followed by four days of me in bed, stuffy nose, sore throat, low-grade fever.
Patty Lynn: I told her to just stay home, she felt bad about not coming. She wanted to give Amy her present.
Tammy: I’m guessing Kathleen’s gift to Amy is a cold?
Martin: Y’all are mean. She doesn’t have the flu, no harm in her.
Milton: I’ll explain the same thing to all the people I give a cold to on the flight back to DC.
Sarah: You work in DC? You never mention it!
Milton: If I talked to my parents the way you talk to me -
Sarah: You would have grown up to be Marietta?
Marietta: Ha!
Henrietta: Am I late? I was almost here before I had to run home to find Charlotte’s iPad because mom couldn’t find it and she was having a fit.
Tammy: Charlotte has an iPad? Isn’t she five?
Henrietta: She just got it for her fifth birthday! Already cracked.
Mitch: I don’t even have an iPad now!
Tammy: Well, that’s because you don’t understand how it works.
Mitch: I‘m not nearly as tech-illiterate as you claim I am.
Tammy: Yeah, you’re worse.
Amy: Kathleen! You look…
Kathleen: I need a drink
Amy: good!
Kathleen: You don’t have to lie.
Amy: Patty Lynn told me you were under the weather, I wasn’t sure you were going to make it!
Kathleen: You kidding? I never get invited to parties, I wasn’t missing this!
Patty Lynn: Oh, that’s so sad.
Martin: I wouldn’t get too cocky. You don’t get invited to any parties either.
Patty Lynn: That’s because I’m always the one throwing the parties.
Amy: Well, not tonight! Now that everyone’s here, could we all head to the dining room? Don made my favorite, chicken parmesan!
Patty Lynn: Chicken parmesan is your favorite? In New Orleans?
Three hours later…
Tammy: I hate to admit it, but that was fun. Happy birthday, Amy.
Amy: I do like a good backhanded compliment.
Martin: Kathleen, are you sure you’re feeling up to driving?
Kathleen: I’m fine! I don’t need to be driven around by my brother, this isn’t Driving Miss Daisy.
Martin: Okay, you call if you run into any trouble.
Henrietta: I can take you, Kathleen.
Kathleen: Don’t you have a car to drive to your own house?
Henrietta: Yeah, but I don’t want to go home. Would you want to go home if you were me?
Kathleen: Good point, but I have to pass. I don’t need charity.
Amy: Also, you might get a parking ticket if you keep your car where it is.
Kathleen: I would not pay it, and we all know that.
Martin: We’re going to get out of here, then. Happy birthday, Amy.
Amy: It was nice to see you all!
Sarah: Don’t make me go home with them.
Moira: You aren’t going home with them.
Sarah: Oh, right. You guys are here. I forgot.
Moira: Warms the heart.
Kathleen: Are you all leaving me here alone?
Henrietta: I’ll stay!
Marietta: Poor Amy is going to be force to spend her birthday playing Jenga with a buzzed Kathleen and a frazzled Henrietta.
Kathleen: I am not buzzed!
Henrietta: I am frazzled.
Milton: We were sort of under the impression we were all going, since the party is over.
Tammy: The party’s over just because I’m tired. I have such impact.
Amy: You can all stay as long as you want. I’m not kicking anyone out onto the street.
Patty Lynn: You don’t know what you’ve just done.
One hour later…
Kathleen: Officer, may I ask why I am being attacked like this?
Officer: You were speeding in a residential area and driving erratically. Do you mind stepping out of the car?
Kathleen: Last I checked, this was still America. I have freedoms. I can stay in this car if I want to.
Officer: Ma’am, you appear to be intoxicated.
Kathleen: Wrong.
Officer: Then I suppose you’ll want to take a Breathalyzer exam?
Kathleen: This is communism. You’re a communist. Do you know who I am? I am Kathleen Landfield, former congresswoman and aunt of a senator! I’m a big deal!
Officer: Ms. Landfield, you are well over the legal drinking limit. I’m afraid I’m going to have to take you in for processing.
Kathleen: Processing? My passport is not expired.
Officer: I’m sure it’s not. Now, come on, let’s go
Three hours later…
Martin: Really? Really? You called Henrietta?
Henrietta: It was no trouble, really.
Martin: Honey, I appreciate that you stopped me from having to go to the police station, but go home. It’s late, and you have a family that needs you.
Henrietta: Okay, well, it was no trouble. See you all later.
Patty Lynn: You can stay for some hot cocoa if you want, warm yourself up.
Henrietta: I would like that very much.
Martin: Patty Lynn… we have a discussion to have. I don’t think she wants to be here for it.
Patty Lynn: The girl clearly doesn’t want to go home. There are three screaming children at home.
Martin: There’s one screaming child here, too.
Kathleen: Patty Lynn isn’t screaming.
Patty Lynn: You’re drunk, go to bed.
Martin: Yeah, go to bed before I throw you out.
Kathleen: Wow, someone’s angry!
Martin: I offered to drive you home. You declined. Then you got a DUI. Yes, I’m angry.
Kathleen: I barely even drank anything!
Martin: You still combined it with cough syrup.
Kathleen: Oh…
Martin: You make me want to drink.
Patty Lynn: I can spike your hot cocoa if you want.
Martin: No hot cocoa, please. What I need now is some good sleep.
Patty Lynn: I can arrange that. I’ll make you some hot milk and we can talk about this in the morning.
Martin: You’re the best, honey.
Patty Lynn: I know.
The next day, in Marietta’s office…
Henrietta: I’m assuming you’ve heard?
Marietta: Heard my aunt got arrested for a DUI? Perhaps.
Amy: How are you dealing with, uh, all of that?
Marietta: It’s front page news somehow. I don’t need negative front page news about my family right now.
Tammy: No one could realistically hold this against you. We all have family members who act erratically sometimes.
Marietta: I’ve cited her as a mentor and a person who helps guide my decisions. This is not like having a alcoholic cousin who was arrested for public indecency.
Henrietta: This is New Orleans, this will probably only endear our family to the public.
Marietta: That is extremely offensive.
Tammy: That was essentially your entire argument when I got upset about your keg stand picture from your first mayoral campaign.
Amy: That was so funny. Why the hell’d you do that?
Marietta: why’d you go on right-wing “news” shows with Betty Benoit to bash me about it?
Amy: We all make mistakes.
Henrietta: Look, I was the one who picked her up from the station -
Marietta: What? Was she afraid of my dad’s reaction or something?
Henrietta: I don’t know, probably.
Tammy: Can I just say what we’re all thinking?
Amy: That my new brooch is absolutely beautiful?
Tammy: This is all Amy’s fault. Everyone knows a responsible host would have taken Kathleen home herself or made her stay the night,
Amy: I offered, she said no.
Tammy: She was -
Marietta: Amy, I don’t care if this is your fault or not. You’re my press secretary, figure out some way to spin this.
Amy: You are fully innocent here, what is there to spin? It’s a private, personal matter.
Marietta: I already have Ron Marks -
Henrietta: Traitor!
Marietta: on my case, I’ve got the media on my case, I don’t need to give them anymore fuel. Whip something up.
Tammy: Why don’t you just pardon her?
Marietta: Yeah, good idea. That separates me from this circus.
Tammy: I was just throwing an idea out there. Sorry for trying to help.
Meanwhile, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…
Kathleen: What happened last night?
Martin: Stupidity.
Kathleen: I drove drunk? I don’t ever drive drunk!
Patty Lynn: Now you won’t be driving at all for twelve months!
Kathleen: Is it really that long?
Patty Lynn: Unless you can convince the judge to give you your license back! Your court date is in two days. Now, here, drink some coffee and sober up.
Kathleen: I’m plenty sober.
Martin: You said the same last night before we left the party, then four hours later I’m getting the call from Henrietta that she had to bail you out of jail!
Kathleen: I think I called a cop a communist. Why did I call a cop a communist?
Martin: If I had to guess, I’d say you thought he was acting like a communist.
Kathleen: Why did Amy let me drive?
Martin: Oh, no. What we’re not going to do is blame anyone else for this. You got yourself into you own mess.
Kathleen: Okay, Wilson Phillips.
Martin: I don’t understand that reference.
Kathleen: Hold on, let me Google them for you.
Martin: I don’t think you’re taking this very seriously.
Kathleen: I fee horrible about it! Embarrassed! Shameful! I won’t be able to show my face in public for weeks!
Martin: It’s made the papers, somehow. Congrats on that.
Kathleen: I couldn’t even make the papers back in Arkansas when I was in Congress.
Martin: Yeah, you still had your head screwed on right back then.
Kathleen: You’re being a little harsh, it was one mistake. And you need to remember, I’m sick!
Martin: I get tired of everyone in this family acting cartoonishly ridiculous.
Kathleen: In my defense, I think most people in New Orleans have experienced a DUI. I don’t even see how it’s newsworthy.
Martin: You know the media loves to jump at any negative story about our family. we’re their punching bag.
Patty Lynn: I may regret this, but I’m going to play the devil’s advocate here. Kathleen did something stupid while under the influence, and she should never do it. However, I think you’ve expressed your disappointment in her enough. She can’t go back and change it, I highly doubt she’ll do it again, time to move on.
Kathleen: Thank you! I won’t ever do it again, I’ll never live down the embarrassment from this time.The jail time alone was a nightmare. I saw such horrors.
Martin: I won’t keep beating a dead horse, I promise. The thought that she had to spend three hours alone in a cold jail cell is punishment enough, I suppose.
Kathleen: All right, so does the mean you’ll drive me to the drug store?
Martin: Don’t push it.
Back at Marietta’s office…
Amy: Hey, is “My aunt is dead to me” too harsh?
Marietta: What do you think?
Amy: “My aunt and I have consciously uncoupled.”
Marietta: I’m not throwing my aunt under the bus. Is it so hard to write that this is a family matter that I have no intention of discussing publicly? Why are you my PR person?
Amy: I am your press secretary, not your “PR person.”
Marietta: Is the press secretary not supposed to get my message out to the public and explain to them what I’m doing?
Henrietta: I can take the job if Amy doesn’t want it.
Amy: You’re not getting my job!
Henrietta: I mean the job of writing up the press release about it. I was there, after all. I bailed her out.
Marietta: Ah, damn. I forgot you bailed her out, how am I going to say I have no involvement now? My aunt was driving home from a party at my press secretary’s house and one of my other employees bailed her out. I couldn’t seem any more involved if I tried.
Tammy: This isn’t a scandal to panic about, you’re not getting impeached because your aunt had a DUI. Instead of pacing around anxiously, just type something up and send it out.
Amy: Wow, look at Tammy taking charge!
Tammy: I was Senate Majority Leader. I had many senators come to me, worried about scandals, and let me tell you: this one barely registers as a scandal. Senators themselves have gotten DUIs and didn’t worry about it as much as you right now.
Marietta: It’s this on top of the other scandals and hit pieces that’s really got me worried. At what point do the people of NOLA get tired of my crap?
Tammy: All three of us have been tired of your crap for years. We’re still loyal to you.
Marietta: Well, that’s good to know.
Marietta’s phone rings.
Marietta: I’m assuming that’s also bad news.
Tammy: You are such a Debbie Downer.
Marietta answers the phone.
Kathleen: Marietta! I am sorry for this headache.
Marietta: Oh, it’s no problem at all.
Amy: Really?
Kathleen: I know this has become a story around town, and I regret that. I have an inquiry, though. Just a small favor to ask.
Marietta: Fire away.
Kathleen: Could you put in a good word for me? Write a letter to the court about my character? And maybe come with me for my court hearing?
Marietta: I don’t see the harm in that.
Kathleen: I appreciate that very much, thank you!
Marietta: I’ll see you later tonight, maybe we can work out what I’m going to write.
Kathleen: That sounds good, see you then!
Marietta hangs up.
Tammy: Are you kidding me?
Amy: All the stress about seeming disconnected from Kathleen’s incident and you willingly jump into it?
Marietta: She asked! She’s family! I had to help!
Henrietta: I think it’s sweet.
Tammy: And that’s why your mother is the politician in your family.
Henrietta: My mother is the one who taught me to lead with kindness.
Tammy: You’re a nice person, Henrietta.
Henrietta: That’s a nice thing to say, but the way you worded it didn’t make it seem like a compliment.
Marietta: So what are we saying in the press release?
Amy: I think I need to excuse myself for a moment.
Marietta: Did you eat something spoiled?
Amy: I need to go scream into a couch cushion.
Two days later…
Patty Lynn: Well, that went pretty well.
Kathleen: A month of community service!
Patty Lynn: You only lost your license for six months, though!
Kathleen: You don’t have much weight around here, do you, Marietta? I bet it would’ve been two weeks of community service if Milton got his letter here in time.
Marietta: You are so welcome for volunteering my time to help you.
Kathleen: I need a drink.
Martin: I’ll slap it out of your hands.
Kathleen: You said I was off the hook!
What did you think of this week's episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
