Olivia walks into the sitting room at Buckingham Palace.
Olivia: Okay, why have I been asked to come in for what appears to be wedding planning?
Claude: Always nice to see you, as well.
Veronica: I’m actually wondering the same thing, your majesty. Why is your entire family here? I sort of feel drowned out.
Alicia: Mom, that comment was pretty unnecessary.
Veronica: Do they not have free speech over here? I’m just voicing a concern.
Alicia: I apologize for her, she is not used to this at all.
Ethan: Neither is Olivia, and she was born into it.
Olivia: I again ask, why am I here? You’ve clearly got enough people here to help with the planning.
Eleanor: We have a favor to ask you.
Olivia: Are you two co-monarchs? I feel like everything asked of me is always asked by the both of you, not Claude alone.
Eleanor: He’s still learning the ropes.
Ethan: He’s been learning the ropes for sixty years, mum..
Eleanor: Nothing beats on-the-job-training.
Claude: That’s all irrelevant to this conversation.
Olivia: Disagree.
Claude: This is something I want you to do, excuse it’s something Nathan asked.
Olivia: Aww, Nathan, it’s sweet you thought of me to help you out.
Nathan: I actually ask papa first, he’s just delegating it to you instead.
Olivia: Warms the heart, doesn’t it?
Christine: Just tell her, already.
Claire: I think this is awful and demeaning and inappropriate to ask.
Olivia: Suddenly, I grow intrigued.
Claude: Sharon wants an invite to the wedding. I know the two of you are friends, I think you should break the news to her.
Olivia: You’re not letting her come?
Nathan: We want to keep it small.
Olivia: I see how long the guest list is. No, you don’t. What’s the deal with Sharon?
Nathan: She’s a controversial figure. Very eccentric, not particularly adored by many.
Ethan: Feels like a fitting description.
Olivia: She’s family!
Eleanor: She isn’t anymore. I asked Anthony his thoughts on this and supported the decision to not invite her. It’s a decision that’s been made, we only thought you would be the one most qualified to break it to her easy.
Olivia: She was married to Anthony. Is he not more qualified to tell her? I hate being the bearer of bad news.
Arthur: Since when? Mum had you tell me when my bird died.
Olivia: I lost a coin toss. It was either going to be me or your uncle Ethan.
Ethan: And I rigged the coin toss.
Veronica: Wow, you guys are all sneakier than I thought!
Christine: Don’t you watch the Netflix show about us? You should’ve studied up!
Alicia: She’s kidding, mom.
Christine: “Mom.” What a ridiculous word.
Arthur: As if “mum” is any better.
Christine: It is! Americans butchering the language we invented will never end.
Claude: What’ll it be, Liv? Can you help us with this and manage the Duchess for us?
Olivia: Well, I am a fool to do your dirty work, but I will do it. A nice lunch with Sharon sounds good, anyway.
Nathan: We appreciate it.
Olivia: I want to warn you, though. She doesn’t take kindly to negative news. She may lash out at the family.
Eleanor: We’re well aware of her close ties with the tabloid press.
Olivia: I hope not giving her a seat in a back row is worth getting your dirty laundry aired out, Claude.
Nathan: It’s worth it for us!
Claire: That’s what matters at the end of the day, isn’t it?
Claude: Trust me, Olivia. Sharon doesn’t have any dirt on me that the media hasn’t already reported on and rehashed endlessly over the last twenty years.
Olivia: Okay, I’ll tell Sharon that she’s been voted off the island.
Eleanor: She was “voted off the island,” which believe is a reference to popular culture, many years ago.
Olivia: Could I go now? I don’t think anyone here needs or cares about my input on this wedding.
Veronica: Could you please? There area already so many British folks here outvoting me to begin with, I don’t need another one. I’ve been ganged up on.
Christine: You wouldn't get ganged up on if you’d brought any good ideas to the table.
Olivia: I’m going to head out before I become a witness to homicide. Enjoy your planning!
Later that night, at Olivia’s…
Todd: It’s good to be in London. I never get to just enjoy the city, thank you for inviting me.
Gigi: Were you enjoying it with you girlfriend? I don’t know if I’d want to be out in public with the daughter of a Prime Minister who most of this town would like to execute.
Todd: Must you always make smart remarks about Norah?
Gigi: I know hearing something smart, it’s difficult for you to comprehend. Please try, though!
Olivia: Can you both shut up? You give me a headache.
Gigi: That was rude!
Olivia: Well, I have to do something even ruder soon and it’s weighing heavily on my mind.
Gigi: Why are you announcing it? That makes it premeditated rudeness, it’s bordering on psychotic now.
Olivia: Believe me, I have no desire to do this. I’ve been ordered to do it by the firm.
Gigi: Who its “the firm?” Are you MI6? Is this like Alias? Are you even my real mother? Oh, god, are you KGB?
Fred: That’s a lot of questions.
Todd: The KGB doesn’t even exist anymore, you idiot!
Fred: You two make me feel like I have teenagers.
Olivia: These teenagers aged pretty poorly then, didn’t they?
Fred: What is that “rude”, difficult thing you have to do, though? Maybe I can help you with it. Lord knows these two are too self-invoked to.
Gigi: How very dare you.
Olivia: It’s about Nathan and Alicia’s wedding. I’m not really supposed to tell anyone, but I don’t really care about what I supposed to do, so I’ll tell you.
Todd: Rebel, rebel! David Bowie would be proud of you!
Olivia: You all remember Sharon, correct?
Todd: How could we not? She’s the funniest person in our family.
Fred: That’s Anthony’s -
Gigi: Yes.
Olivia: Well, Sharon requested an invite to the big royal wedding. Nathan is not too fond of the idea, so the request has been denied. I have to be the one to tell her.
Gigi: Don’t they have someone more important to deal with that?
Olivia: What is that supposed to mean?
Gigi: You just came back into the royal fold, I would think Ethan or Arthur would be given the important responsibilities.
Olivia: I don’t know if Sharon is an “important responsibility.” She’s virtually irrelevant aside from her occasional hissy fits.
Todd: Aren’t you friends?
Olivia: Yes, she’s one of my dearest. That’s what makes this so difficult. I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
Fred: Just go easy on her. Tell her there weren’t enough seats.
Todd: Well, that’s obviously a lie. You saw Westminster Abbey during Arthur’s wedding. Even we were invited to that!
Gigi: And we could’ve gone, too, if mum was willing to swallow her pride!
Olivia: Going to a big, fancy event is not worth compromising our principles. All is well now, but it wasn’t then.
Todd: How are you going to break this to her actually? Will you tell her the truth?
Gigi: What is this truth, even? Why didn’t Nathan want her at the wedding?
Olivia: He just doesn’t like her.
Fred: Maybe best to not mention that. Blame it on Anthony, that’s always a good bet.
Olivia: That’s a good suggestion, I love to mess with him.
Todd: What if he denies it?
Gigi: They’re divorced. What fool takes their ex-husband’s word?
Todd: I like to think that Selina trusts my word!
Gigi: Then she’s a fool. Or maybe you are for believing that. One or the other.
The next day…
Sharon: I’ve already said it a dozen times, but I am so happy you reached out,. We don’t get to see each other nearly enough!
Olivia: I know, we really don’t. That’s why th-
Sharon: We need a picture to remember the day!
Olivia: Why are you getting your phone out?
Sharon: You’re joking.
Olivia: Where’s your camera?
Sharon: You always were behind the times.
Olivia: I’m right in-line with the times I want to be in.
Sharon: I give you credit. You’ve always been your own person. We’re quite alike in that regard.
Olivia: I have to tell you something that may make you reconsider that, I’m sorry to say.
Sharon: That opinion is built on over twenty years of friendship, it won’t be changed in an instant.
Olivia: This was not my decision, so please don’t blame me for it. Unfortunately, it has been decided that an invitation to the wedding of Nathan and Alicia will not be extended to you. You are a valued member of this family, and this decision was made after much deliberation./.
Sharon: They made you do this? Of all the people!
Olivia: It upset me, as well. Doing this hurt my soul.
Sharon: I don’t know what iI despise more, the fact that I don’t get to go after all I gave to this family, or the fact that they couldn’t even be man enough to tell me! I asked Christine herself and they send you! I’m pretty sure you’re not involved in any way in planning this wedding.
Olivia: Not even a little.
Sharon: This is the last straw, Olivia.
Olivia: I understand.
Sharon: I may not have behaved well at Arthur’s wedding. I was, admittedly, heavily intoxicated -
Olivia: I can not relate but again, I understand the line of thinking.
Sharon: but I’m family! Family sticks together!
Olivia: Technically, you’re former family.
Sharon: But I’ve stayed in the picture. I thought we had something special!
Olivia: I get it.
Sharon: I’m going scorched earth. Olivia, I will leave all the dirt I know about the family. Trust me, I know a lot.
Olivia: I would advise against.
Sharon: Of course you would, but I know you can understand me here.
Olivia: I was estranged from the family for two decades and didn’t speak to the press once about it. I hope to guide you to that level of restraint.
Sharon: I will talk to The Sun, The Daily Mail, The Daily Star, the BBC, even reputable news sources if they’ll have me! I will take this family down with me. And you know what, I know where the Abbey is. I’ll show up! Cause a global scene! Show how this family treats those who dared to trust them.
Olivia: I don’t think we need to do that.
Sharon: Whose fault was this, may I ask? Who was the biggest traitor to me?
Olivia: I think it was a group decision.
Sharon: Guess the whole group’s gotta come down! You excluded.
Olivia: Um, thanks?
Later that day, at Buckingham Palace…
Olivia: Some news.
Arthur: Good, we’re in need of news.
Ethan: I think we’re all tired of hearing Claude complaining about how he has to meet with the Prime Minister.
Claude: She is aggressively awful!
Olivia: That’s my future sister-in-law, sort of.
Eleanor: Please don’t say something so silly.
Christine: What is your news?
Olivia: Oh, right! Uh, I told Sharon about your plans for the wedding.
Claire: The ones to not invite her or have her be a part of it in any way?
Olivia: Yes, exactly.
Arthur: I’m sure she took that well.
Olivia: As expected, she’s threatened to run to the tabloids with stories about all of you. Luckily, she doesn’t blame me, so I’m good.
Ethan: Some good news! At least Olivia is safe!
Olivia: I should be, I’m not the one who made this decision. That’s on all of you.
Claude: She doesn’t even know anything about us that could actually hurt us. She knows rehashed drama from twenty years ago. I’m not scared of getting dragged by the Daily Fail with half-cooked nonsense.
Olivia: She’s also threatened to show up at the wedding and cause a scene.
Christine: That would just make her look bad.
Olivia: She did raise an interesting point, that it could be some bad press for us if she does show up and we’re seen as disloyal to here.
Eleanor: We’re under no obligation to invite a former member of this family to a wedding.
Claire: Look, I’m not fond of Sharon. She got drunk and made herself the focus of my wedding. But I know how that made me feel, and I know how demoralizing it will be for the two of you if she causes an even bigger scene at yours.
Nathan: What do you suppose we do here?
Alicia: I don’t think we should kowtow to the demands of this crazy woman, who I’ve never even met, by inviting her to the biggest day of our lives.
Claire: You invited Meryl Streep.
Alicia: I know Meryl Streep.
Claire: Stop namedropping.
Alicia: Wh do I even speak?
Nathan: Olivia, tell her she can come.
Claude: What?
Eleanor: This is a mistake!
Claire: You really hate her. Can’t say I disagree.
Eleanor: I hate no one. Aside from Sharon.
Nathan: This is my wedding, it’s my decision. I don’t want any drama, so she can come.
Alicia: Am I not involved in that decision?
Ethan: Uh-oh, trouble in royal paradise!
Alicia: I’m fine with her coming, if you want to just appease her to avoid the drama. I would just prefer if you asked me first.
Nathan: I will remember that for the future.
Claude: So the Wicked Witch is coming?
Claire: Even as someone whose wedding 3was ruined by her, I still don’t fully understand the vitriol you all seem to feel towards her.
Christine: She’s just a very unpleasant person. She takes her own insecurities and problems out on others and makes it very difficult to be around.
Ethan: She’s also not trustworthy. If it can make her a quick buck or get her in the press, she’ll tell anyone her secrets.
Eleanor: She wasn’t royal material.
Olivia: Well, she’s Royal Wedding material. Isn’t she, Nathan?
Nathan: Back row. She doesn’t make a peep.
Claire: She would spontaneously combust if she couldn’t speak.
Ethan: Weren’t you the one just asking what was so bad about her?
Claire: Her constantly-running mouth is the only thing I remember about her!
Olivia: I’ll call her with the good news.
Christine: What good news?
Ethan: I’m sure it’s good news for the tabloids.
Christine: That’s true. I’m sure they’ll be getting an “inside scoop” just in time for their Christmas issue.
Later that night…
Olivia: Sharon! Great news!
Sharon: Hearing from you twice in one day is already great news!
Olivia: This is even better! I got you an invite to the big Royal Wedding!
Sharon: You didn’t!
Olivia: Turned out it was just a misunderstanding. Nathan forgot to include you on the list and Claude thought it meant you weren’t invited. No need to go scorched earth on anyone!
Sharon: Well, then I guess I’ll see you next month!
Olivia: See you then! Dress to impress!
Olivia hangs up.
Fred: A misunderstanding?
Olivia: What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for the new episode next week!
