Olivia and Fred are at Buckingham Palace for dinner.
Olivia: Fred and I have some news to share with you all. And, mother, it’s not what you think it is.
Eleanor: How could you possibly know what I think it is?
Olivia: I know how your mind yours.
Eleanor: Tell me, since you know me so well, what it is that I was thinking.
Ethan: I think everyone in this room could probably take a guess.
Eleanor: Oh really?
Olivia: You thought we were announcing a divorce. It’s simply how your mind works, and that is okay. It’s wrong though! We are as strong as ever.
Fred: Well, a bit less strong after I’ve been forced to listen to this conversation. Strong, though!
Claude: What is the news you have to share, then?
Olivia: Fred and I are going on a week-long sailing trip in Scotland!
Claire: Oh, what fun! I’ve always wanted to do something similar.
Ethan: I never realized you were into sailing.
Claire: It’s always been someth-
Ethan: Sorry, Claire, didn’t mean you. You look like the sort of mum who’d want to go sailing once just to try it.
Claire: Thank… you?
Ethan: I just never realized, in all these years, that my sister was a sailor!
Olivia: Took up some new skills during my two decades away. Most taught by Fred, including this one. I haven’t been out on the water ever since I came back, and I can’t wait to return. I am freeing myself of everything that binds me to this world. No phones, no computers, no pagers, no tabloids, no newspapers, nothing. Just the two of us, enough food and drink to get us through the week, perhaps a good book or two, and the open sea.
Eleanor: And a life vest!
Olivia: You treat me as if I am six years old.
Eleanor: You act like you are!
Claude: So let me get this straight. A senior member of the Royal Family is planning to disappear on a boat with no communication methods for an entire week?
Olivia: I certainly wouldn't be the first to do so.
Claude: Who did it before you?
Olivia: Well, there were several hundred years in which there was a Royal Family but not a direct form of communication. I’m assuming at least one person in there took a trip away from the rest of the family.
Ethan: Quite a fee of their heads certainly took a trip.
Olivia: That was a bit tasteless. I appreciate that.
Christine: Let her take her trip, Claude. I could use a week away from her.
Olivia: This is what family is meant to be - rude and callous.
Fred: I just want to point out - we’re going on the trip. There’s no question about it, we’re going. We just told you all as a courtesy.
Olivia: Also because most normal families would be excited when someone else in their family was going on an exciting vacation.
Arthur: Believing this to be a normal family was your first mistake.
Olivia: Oh, I didn’t believe that for a second. I’m just saying, being normal for once would be nice.
Claire: I’m excited for you! Please take lots of pictures, I want to see them all.
Olivia: Will you pay to get them developed?
Claire: Uh, sure.
Olivia: I’m just pulling your leg! I have a Polaroid, they develop instantly.
Ethan: Polaroids and the ocean, what could go wrong?
Claude: I want you both to have fun. You’ve worked hard this year, and you deserve a break.
Olivia: I just realized something glorious.
Christine: What is that? You won’t want to come back after the trip? Fine by me.
Olivia: I’ll get to go a full week without hearing or seeing Meredith Trayman’s name!
Ethan: That alone should make the vacation.
Olivia: I also won’t have to see Selina! Oh, what a glorious week!
Arthur: Uncle Ethan, aren’t you going to defend your wife?
Ethan: No, she hit the nail on the head.
Claude: Before we move on to the next topic, which I can tell Christine is eager to do -
Christine: I’ve been holding this thought in my head for ten minutes!
Olivia: Must be pretty hard for you. Takes a lot of effort to even get in there, let alone keep it there.
Claude: I have to ask. Any particular reason this trip is happening this month and not, say, in summer?
Olivia: Summer is amateur hour. Real sailing champions go in November, when it’s wet, cold, and miserable.
Fred: The answer is “scheduling.”
Olivia: Yeah, sure, that too.
One week later…
Olivia: Are you sure you know how to feed the horses?
Gigi: Mother, I’ve lived around horses my entire life.
Olivia: The chickens?
Gigi: How hard is it to take care of chickens?
Olivia: What about the dog?
Gigi: You gave Todd the dog to take care of since you didn’t want him alone overnight.
Olivia: Just had to make sure you were paying attention.
Gigi: Anything further to interrogate me about?
Olivia: Do you have the spare key?
Gigi: In my purse.
Fred: Olivia, you’re reminding me of your mother right now.
Gigi: Why would you say this before you’re about to be stuck on a boat with her for seven days?
Olivia: How do I remind you of my mother? I’m so level-headed and normal!
Gigi: Can we please shift back to reality?
Fred: The way you kept trying to test Gigi to make sure she didn’t slip up. That felt like something Eleanor would do.
Olivia: I just don’t want my animals to die!
Gigi: Won’t someone think of the animals!
Fred: It’s not a bad thing to be diligent. I just noticed the similarities is all.
Olivia: Being compared to MY mother is never a compliment!
Gigi: Most people wouldn’t mind being compared to the Queen.
Olivia: Most people haven’t had to deal with her personally for seventy years.
Fred: Okay, dear, we better go before they close Scotland down.
Olivia: One last thing. Gigi, do y-
Gigi: I have everything!
Olivia: All right, all right. Thank you for watching over my zoo.
Gigi: Any time. Just don't sink out there.
Olivia: We’ll try our hardest not to.
Later that day…
Fred: Olivia! Look at this!
Olivia: Oh, she’s a beauty!
Fred: Not as beautiful as your are, my love.
Olivia: Frederick, flattery will get you nowhere. Or everywhere. Depends on my mood that day.
Fred: Shall we set sail?
Olivia: Are these the only bags we have?
Fred: Sure are!
Olivia: Goodness, we’re idiots.
Fred: How so?
Olivia: We’re going on a week-long trip on a boat and only brought three bags worth of things with us. It’s not like we ca stop at a Tesco out in the North Sea.
Fred: It’s all going to be fine! We have all we need, just the bare essentials. This trip is about connecting with ourselves and with nature.
Olivia: Are we sure we have enough blankets? It’s going to be cold out there.
Fred: We planned for that.
Olivia: ThenI suppose it’s time to set sail.
Fred: This is so thrilling!
The next day…
Fred (singing): Saiiiiiiliiiiiing taaaakes me awaaaaay to where I’ve always heard it could be
Olivia: Darling, come here.
Fred (singing): Just a dream and the wind to carry me, soon I will be free!
Olivia: You’re going to be free falling off this boat if you don’t come here, Christopher Cross!
Fred: Sorry, the I just got swept me away in the moment.
Olivia: I could see that.
Fred: What is so urgent?
Olivia: Look at THIS!
Fred: What am I looking at?
Olivia: A phone! Installed, per this note, “per the order of the King.”
Fred: How’d you find this?
Olivia: It was ringing! The gall that takes…
Fred: Someone was calling the boat phone?
Olivia: I didn’t dare to answer, I can’t even imagine what I would’ve said to them. I have the mind to chuck this thing straight into the ocean!
Fred: Why don’t you?
Olivia: Well, this is a rental. Don’t want to leave a big hole in it.
The phone rings again.
Fred: Answer it.
Olivia: Are you sure?
Fred: Yes. Do it. They’re apparently not going to stop calling until you do.
Olivia answers the phone.
Eleanor: Hello, hello! How are you enjoying your trip.
Olivia: It’s gone quite downhill in the last ten minutes.
Eleanor: If that’s supposed to hurt my feelings, it doesn’t.
Olivia: Why is there a phone on my boat, mother?
Eleanor: Is it not wild what technology can do these days? A working phone on a boat in the middle of the sea!
Olivia: How did you even figure out what boat was ours?
Eleanor: I was the Queen, I have my methods.
Olivia: Is there any reason you never use those methods for good?
Eleanor: I apologize for caring about your wellbeing.
Olivia: I wish you’d care about my wishes, as well. I wanted a week to disconnect from it all.
Eleanor: I won’t bother you again, I’m sorry.
Olivia: I would appreciate that.
Eleanor: Just try not to sink!
Olivia: Why does everyone keep saying that?
Eleanor: We’ve met you.
Olivia: Before I hang up, I have to ask: why did Claude order this to be installed? I didn’t realize he was so concerned about me going on this trip.
Eleanor: I believe, um, you see what happened… he got so tired of me telling him how worried I was about you two going out there without your phones that he came up with this idea.
Olivia: Mother, you’re getting more fearful in your old age.
Eleanor: When you lose what I’ve lost, you try to hold on to what you still have.
Olivia: Do not guilt trip me!
Eleanor: I’m just expressing my feelings.
Olivia: You have Mandy. Harass her. I’ll see you in a week, goodbye.
Olivia hangs up.
Fred: What was so important?
Olivia: My mother needed to call to tell me how concerned she is about me. Or something to the effect.
Fred: Aside from the blatant disrespect of your clear wishes, that’s almost sweet. She cares.
Olivia: I wish she would care from a distance.
Fred: We’re pretty far from Buckingham Palace.
Olivia: Always a joker, aren’t you?
Fred: You wanna take a dip in the water?
Olivia: Oh, sometimes you make me feel like I’m going to go mad!
Fred: What was the point of this trip if not to have some fun?
Olivia: The fun is not supposed to be at my expense!
Later that night…
Olivia: Do you know if they’re calling for rain tomorrow?
Fred: I don’t know, not like I can check.
Olivia: Why n- oh.
Fred: We maybe should have checked out the weather forecast before we left.
Olivia: I have a pretty good sense of when it’s going to storm. I can sense it in the air.
Fred: Guess you better make sure not to leave anything out on the deck, then. Bring it all in before we fall asleep.
Olivia: I don’t leave anything on the deck to begin with. One big wave and it’s overboard.
Fred: That’s why you’re the brains in this operation.
Olivia: And the beauty.
Fred: Does the beauty need the night on in here? I want to get to sleep.
Olivia: The beauty can use her book light. Good night.
Five hours later…
Olivia: Fred! Wake up!
Fred: I feel like I just got to sleep.
Olivia: I’m hyperventilating.
Fred: Breathe in, breathe out.
Olivia: Fred, the storm! It’s really wild, and the sail… it blew off.
Fred: Are you joking with me? It’s not right to do that at four in the morning!
Olivia: I wish I were joking! Our security deposit is gone!
Fred: We have the money, it’ll be okay. We can just throw the anchor down and use the engine the rest of the trip.
Olivia: Are you going to throw it or are you going to make your dear wife brave the storm and walk out to the bow and risk plunging into the ocean?
Fred: I was quite comfortable here, but I’ll do it if that makes you feel safer.
Olivia: It does.
Fred: Of course it does. Just watch from in here to make sure I don’t fall in. I don’t feel like being shark food today.
Olivia: Will do!
Later that morning…
Fred: Was that real last night? Did our sail actually blow away.
Olivia: Afraid so!
Fred: I was hoping it was just a bad nightmare.
Olivia: ’Twas not! Let’s go get that anchor out and get the engine running. I’m tired of this scenery already.
Fred: The “scenery” has been virtually the same the entire trip.
Olivia: I just like the feeling of being in motion.
Fred: I’ll get us moving. You stay in here and keep dry.
Olivia: I have no problem with that. I might even sleep some more.
Fred: Good for you.
Olivia: I wish I could listen to that song right about now.
Fred: Not my fault you only let me bring “boat” music. I don’t know how many times I can listen to Come Sail Away before I throw that disc into the water.
Olivia (singing): IIIIIIIIIIII’m sailiiiiiiiing awaaaaaayyyy.
Fred: My head hurts.
Olivia: Get this boat running and you won’t have to hear my singing for the rest of the trip.
Ten minutes later…
Fred: We’ve got a problem!
Olivia: When don’t we?
Fred: The engine’s not working.
Olivia: I’m going back to sleep. I don’t have the energy for this.
Fred: What are we going to do?
Olivia: In the immortal words of ABBA… ring, ring, I stare at the phone on the wall.
Fred: I was hoping you wouldn’t say that.
Olivia: No such luck!
Olivia picks up the phone and calls Claude.
Claude: Well, well, well…
Olivia: Are you just waiting by the phone waiting to scream “told you so!”
Claude: I’m not some pathetic sad sap. I’m the King!
Olivia: Don’t get an inflated opinion of yourself.
Claude: I’m glad you were able to locate your on-board phone. What is the reason for this call?
Olivia: You and mum were right, we did need the phone. Our sail has blown away and our engine has malfunctioned. We need to be rescued.
Claude: How do you lose yo-
Olivia: I don’t need to be talked down to!
Claude: I’m going to connect you with the head of a search and rescue team, okay?
Olivia: That would be appreciated, thank you.
Claude: Remember this for next time.
Olivia: All right, will do.
Claude: Stand by, you’ll be connected as soon as possible.
Olivia: Thank you, Claude.
Claude: I’m not so bad, am I?
Olivia: Debatable.
Fred: What’s going on, dear?
Olivia: He’s the King. He’s handling it.
Fred: The way you said that made me feel like I’m in the mob.
Olivia: Well, we are in a way.
Fred: This is such a perfect end to our vacation.
Olivia: We’re going to St. Lucia next time.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return for the new episode next week!
