ROBERT, ACE, VICTOR, BRYAN, HARRY, MANNY, and LORENZO gather in the Indianapolis Primitives’ bullpen. The stadium is empty, as the season has ended.
ACE
I’m hungry again.
ROBERT
You can’t keep using the hunger excuse to get out of hearing my plan. This is serious.
ACE
Eh, I’m sure they’ll find new jobs.
MANNY
I can absolutely assure you that I will not. At least, not as a baseball coach.
ACE
And what is it exactly you do now?
MANNY
Can somebody get ACE some food?
HARRY tosses ACE a bag of pretzels.
ACE
These are expired.
MANNY
Just eat them.
ACE opens up the bag of expired pretzels and eats one.
ACE
I don’t see how this is supposed to be putting me in a better mood.
MANNY
Fine. Manny, fetch Ace a fresh bag of pretzels.
HARRY
Sure thing coach, no guarantees you’ll be here when I get back though.
HARRY leaves.
MANNY
He’s not coming back, is he?
ROBERT
Nope. Can we just discuss my plan now?
ACE
Fine.
ROBERT
Okay, so I really thought through all the options, and I think the best scenario is just to pretend it didn’t happen.
VICTOR
We can pretend it didn’t happen, but the fans and the front office won’t forget.
ROBERT
Alright…we could have Lorenzo do a couple interviews and just…be Lorenzo.
LORENZO
Don’t think that’ll work. Remember, I have that whole situation with the police and if they figure out baseball season is over and I’m not in jail, there wouldn’t be much time before that changed.
VICTOR
Hold up…WHAT?!
LORENZO
Oh yeah, you’re new here. I got arrested before baseball season began but they postponed the trial until after the season is over. They just never said exactly when.
ROBERT
Ok. How about this. We just…beg for their jobs back.
MANNY
The ones we haven’t officially lost yet?
ACE
I read online that they’re looking to fire you.
BRYAN
Yeah, that’s what all those sports talk shows are saying too.
MANNY
There is absolutely no way there are sports talk shows talking about me.
BRYAN
What else would they talk about?
MANNY
Something relevant, maybe. Now we need real ideas, how do I keep my job?
LORENZO
Don’t forget mine!
ROBERT
You know what Manny, come to think of it we do seem to have trouble holding down a bullpen coach.
VICTOR
I take it it’s because they don’t really do anything?
ROBERT
That and they have to put up with Lorenzo’s antics.
LORENZO
I could put up with my antics just fine. If they quit over that then they’re wimps and bad coaches.
MANNY
Putting up with Lorenzo is objectively the worst part of this job. The best is I get to be so close to a baseball field! It was always my dream to play in a game. I wouldn’t have to be the star or anything.
ACE
So kind of like us?
MANNY
Yeah. Kind of like you guys, I guess.
BRYAN
I do not like where this is going and I’m pretty sure we could use Harry here around now.
MANNY
Lorenzo, didn’t you used to own an ice cream shop or something along those lines?
LORENZO
It was a full-scale restaurant and bar and I got paid a ton of money and cotton candy to sell it. Not to mention a job in state Congress.
BRYAN
The one that led to your half-arrest and impending trial?
LORENZO
Yep, that’s the one!
MANNY
What I’m getting out of this is you have managerial experience. And I have just about as much ball playing experience as you do.
VICTOR
What’s going on here?
MANNY
I’ve made my decision: we go to the front office and convince them to hire me as a player and Lorenzo as the bullpen coach. Come on guys, do you REALLY want to be stuck with a bullpen coach who takes this seriously?
ROBERT
As bullpen captain, due to that question, I approve this plan. Now does anyone know how to get to the front office?
LORENZO
I think we just walk through the stadium until we find it.
ROBERT
Terrible idea, but I know of none better. Let’s do it.