Our House Season 5 Episode 7 - Our Motorcycle

Our House Season 5, Episode 7

Our Motorcycle

Betty and Mitchell are working at the boutique.

Betty: Mitchell, I have to run to the pharmacy pick up some eye drops. It’s a slow day so far, can you handle the store on your own?

Mitchell: You’re going to let me man the register?

Betty: I have faith in you.

Mitchell: Well, if you have faith, I’ll try to make it work.

Betty: Excellent. It is very helpful to be able to see, so this will help with that.

Mitchell: You go, have fun. I’m going to manage this store like no one has ever managed it before.

Betty: No, please manage it exactly as it has always been manage. That’s the only expectation I have.

Mitchell: So I’m not allowed to rearrange the clothing racks?

Betty: I know you’re being sarcastic, but no!

Mitchell: It’s in good hands, go get your drops.

Betty: I’ll be back in twenty minutes. Just don’t burn the shop down. Or blow a sale. I don’t know which would be worse.

Ten minutes later…

Mitchell: Hey, Ed! Need something for the wife? Is it her birthday? Anniversary?

Ed: No, I was just wondering if I could put a flyer up on your bulletin board.

Mitchell: Well, uh, I don’t know what the policy is on that. But I am in charge, and I see nothing wrong with it, so sure. Go ahead and stick it up there.

Ed: That’s what she said!

Mitchell: Good one!

Ed: I was wondering if you guys ha-

Mitchell: Wait, you’re selling your motorcycle?

Ed: Yeah, I don’t ride it anymore. Sometimes you just have to move on.

Mitchell: I’ve always wanted a motorcycle.

Ed: You can always check mine out, just give me a call.

Mitchell: I’ll talk with my wife about it, but I just may do that.

Ed: Try not to wait too long to give me a call. I want to make the room in my garage, so I’d be inclined to take the first reasonable offer I can get.

Mitchell: Say, you were saying something earlier. Asking if we had something.

Ed: Oh, never mind. I have to get out of here, I wanted to put flyers up a fire more places and then I have to get back from my lunch break.

Mitchell: Oh, Betty’s going to be furious!

Later that night, at dinner…

Karl: I have to ask, since you all look so enthused, how was everyone’s day?

Jerry: Mine was good. Went to a meeting, Serena gave me a website where there’s an online MS communi-

Betty: I’m still riding the high of Alicia’s landslide win. It was a huge blue wave in general, hallelujah.

Cindy: You lost Washington.

Betty: You lost Kansas!

Tammi: She does have a point, mom. We won Washington because the Democrats nominated a murderer.

Frank: What else is new?

Teri: Shut UP, Frank, you massive crybaby loser.

Karl: Any non-political news? Please?

JerrY: I had some, but, no one cared.

Mitchell: I might be getting a motorcycle.

Velma: Ha! Good one!

Mitchell: I’m serious. One of our regulars at the store is selling his, and I want to buy it.

Betty: Is that what the flyer on our bulletin board is for? That is supposed to be for missing pets and garage sales, why’d you let him put that up?

Mitchell: I was in charge!

Betty: Ugh…

Teri: I hate motorcycles. My friend’s husband was in an awful motorcycle crash years ago and it almost killed him.

Velma: Exactly. No motorcycle, Mitchell. Good chat.

Mitchell: That’s rare that that happens.

Jerry: Not really. Motorcycles are the most dangerous form of transportation, and I say that as someone whose primary mode of transportation used to be tank.

Mitchell: Thanks for all the help.

Jerry: I have a duty to point out the facts, sorry you were on the wrong side of that.

Ralph: Does it really matter if Mitchell gets a motorcycle? It’s not like he’ll ever have the motivation to go out and ride it.

Velma: Well, that’s my main problem. That’s a lot of money to spend on something I know he’ll never use.

Mitchell: I’d use it!

Karl: Who wants to talk about politics again? In hindsight, that conversation was a lot of fun.

Betty: We demolished the Republicans. What a night!

Frank: Please go back to the motorcycle talk.

Teri: Why, you still sad about it, sore loser?

Frank: I can’t listen to her gloating for another second.

Karl: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the motorcycle talk actually was better than having to listen to Frank whining.

Tammi: He’s not whining!

Danielle: He sounds pretty whiny to me.

Velma: Maybe we should take a family vote on the motorcycle issue.

Teri: I don’t want to get involved in this.

Cindy: Me neither. I don’t want to have to sleep with one eye open tonight.

Velma: So two abstentions. How does everyone else vote?

Karl: I think this needs to be a decision that the two of you come to together, you’re the ones with a financial stake here.

Velma: Don’t take the cowards’ way out, guys!

Mitchell: Admit it, this isn’t going how you expected it to. you thought everyone would be on your side. Instead you have Jerry. You had Teri, but seem to have lost her.

Teri: I’ve always been neutral, I just shared an anecdote that I found relevant.

Velma: I’m the only one whose vote matters here, it’s my money.

Mitchell: Our money!

Steven: Why are they arguing about money?

Tammi: Just shush up and let it play out.

Velma: Can you just listen to my concerns about this and take them into consideration?

Mitchell: I would if you’d tell me what they are instead of just telling “no.” I’m afraid you won’t use the bike if you do buy it, and that it’ll be a waste of money, and I’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself if you do actually use it.

Danielle: Can I cut in with something quickly?

Velma: Sure, you’ve always levelheaded.

Danielle: The DMV is right next to my gym, and I saw them advertise a motorcycle riding course one time. Velma, what if you agree to buying the motorcycle if Mitchell agrees to take the classes and actually show up? That way, your fears of him hurting yourself can subside a bit and he can still have his fun?

Velma: That’s not what I was expecting you to say, to tell you the truth.

Danielle: Sometimes I surprise.

Mitchell: I would agree to that, I think it could be really helpful, actually, the get me comfortable with it.

Teri: Come on, Velma. How can you resist those puppy dog eyes?

Velma: I thought you were staying out of this?

Teri: I’m back in.

Ralph: Love when this happens on Shark Tank.

Cindy: Okay, everyone, place your bets. I’m still staying out, but who thinks Velma’s going to cave?

Velma: I’m not caving. I just don’t want to hear his cap.

Mitchell: I can get it?!?

Velma: Under one more condition.

Teri: Oh, she has him whipped.

Velma: You have to pay for it. I’ll let you get it, and I’ll let you use your own paycheck for it, but you can’t dip into my money for it. I have plans for all of that moment and this doesn’t fit into them.

Mitchell: Done!

Velma: Okay, that’s that. You can get the bike.

Teri: This was like watching a debate in the Senate.

Ralph: No it wasn’t. There wasn’t nearly enough yelling or incontinence on display here.

Teri: Also, someone actually changed their mind and didn’t stick with what they believed from the very start. Don’t see that in the Senate!

The next week, on the porch…

Anita: Hey, Steven.

Steven: Uh, yes?

Anita: I know you’re undressing my daughter with your eyes right now, but can you listen to me?

Steven: I am not doing that.

Anita: Either way, I have a concern about your… I wanna say… uncle?

Steven: Ralph? we barely even level the house, what’d he do? I’m not responsible for what he says on Facebook.

Anita: I mean Mitchell.

Alysa: Mom, please don’t.

Anita: I have to!

Steven: Mitchell is my cousin. Pretty distant cousin, actually, but we’re closer than most distant cousins.

Anita: Well, he’s in a biker gang.

Alysa: Oh, mom…

Anita: It has to be said!

Steven: Are you joking with me? A biker gang?

Anita: I see him all the time riding in groups with three or four other men, and he has a leather jacket.

Steven: It’s not real leather.

Anita: That doesn’t ease my fears. He’s invited a gang into our quaint neighborhood. Please deal with it.

Steven: All right, we’ll do that.

Anita: Thank you, I appreciate it. Now, you two have fun and enjoy your sleepover. No funny business.

Steven: I wouldn't ever try!

The next day…

Karl: That is so strange. I just saw another woman come in here, look around, and walk right back out.

Jerry: I blame Betty. If she’s have taken my music suggestion, instead of just playing rain sounds, it would suck people in.

Betty: That looked like one of the HOA ladies. Must have decided she didn’t want to risk upsetting Anita by coming in here and actually giving me money.

Mitchell: I swear she looked straight at me before she went out. Is that not strange?

Jerry: The world doesn’t revolve around you, Mitchell.

Karl: He has a point. I did see them looking his way before turning around.

Jerry: So it’s Mitchell’s fault. Sorry for blaming you, Betty.

Betty: People love the rain sounds.

Jerry: Yes, sales of tickets to the bathroom have never been higher!

Betty: Do you think we really could sell bathroom rights?

Karl: I don’t think that’s legal.

Jerry: Damn Democrats.

Steven: I have a theory.

Betty: Oh, Steven! I forgot you were even here, you’re so quiet.

Steven: I was actually trying to do my job. I couldn’t help but overhear what you were all saying, though. I‘m pretty sure Anita has been telling people that Mitchell is in a gang.

Mitchell: What?

Steven: You’ve been riding with groups of guys in leather jackets or something. I don’t know, she was really making no sense. I think, though, that she’s been spreading that around the neighborhood, including her HOA friends.

Betty: What an idiot.

Mitchell: Those are the other guys in my riding class!

Karl: The stigma against motorcycle Americans is truly dismaying.

Betty: Not a good time to make jokes, honey. This might cut into business if those middle-aged moms don’t feel safe coming here.

Jerry: You should clear his name in the new edition of the Betty Gazettey.

Betty: That’s gone out of circulation. Low readership - zero.

Jerry: I always meant to read it, but I never found time for it. Sorry.

Mitchell: Do you want me to go home? I will, if that’s what you need from me. I don’t want to hurt business.

Jerry: Shocking, Mitchell volunteering to not work.

Karl: It might best. We do have five people. Working today, we can afford the hit there.

Betty: What if I just kill Anita?

Jerry: Violence solves very little. Might really hurt with the gang accusations, too.

Betty: Okay, then just go home for the day, Mitchell. We’re going to the HOA meeting tomorrow night to clear this up, though.

Mitchell: Okay, see you guys tonight.

Jerry: He’ll be in bed by two.

Betty: The house is ten minutes away. He’ll be in bey by one thirty.

Karl: You guys are being very unfair. I think it might take a good hour until he’s asleep. Two fifteen.

Mitchell: Oh, like you guys wouldn’t sleep on your day off?

The next day…

Anita: Everyone, welcome to the meeting, we are so glad to see you’ve shown up today. Your participation here helps ensure a brighter future for our community. We’re going to being by -

Betty: No, no.

Anita: Ah, good. The Bellwoods have thoughts they think we need to hear immediately. Might as well share them now, it’s not like you’re going to be quiet until you say it.

Betty: Michell, take it away.

Anita: Oh, we never get to hear this one talk! Rare treat!

Mitchell: My name is Mitchell Bellwood.

Anita: you don’t have to speak so close to the microphone.

Mitchell: You all probably know my name, and it’s probably because you heard a rumor about me that’s been spreading. Our HOA President, Anita DeFleur, is -

Anita: Thank you, that’s all the time we’ve got for today!

Amelia: Let her talk, Anita!

Anita: You would side with the Bellwoods, Amelia.

Amelia: I’m on the side of you not talking over everyone for once.

Mitchell: Anita is trying to silence me because I know that she’s been spraying rumors about me.

Anita: I would never silence anyone.

Mitchell: She says I’m in a gang. If that was one person’s opinion, that would be nothing special. It’s not, though, bemuses so many people here mindlessly follow her opinion and take it as the truth. I am not in a biker gang. I am in a motorcycle riding class, so I can learn how to ride my new motorcycle safely.

Anita: On second thought, I may have seen some of them wearing neon lime jackets that said “student driver.”

Mitchell: So you admit I’m not in a gang?

Anita: I admit my fault, and I apologize. It was an honest, but irresponsible, mistake.

Mitchell: Betty is owed awn apology as well, as it’s impacted her business. Care to tell people they’re safe from encountering a gang at Betty’s Boutique?

Anita: You are…uh… um… wow, struggling to put these words together.

Mitchell: Safe.

Anita: You are safe to visit Betty’s Boutique. Wow, that hurt to say.

Mitchell: Okay, in that case, you can get on with the meeting.

Anita: Can I? Thank you for the permission!

Mitchell sits back down.

Teri: I have to say, you seem less cool now that no one thinks you’re in a gang anymore.

Velma: This is why I didn’t want you getting that dumb bike.

Mitchell: You saw this coming?

Karl: She didn’t seem to based on what she said when you asked her why she objected to getting the bike.

Jerry: In fairness, how could someone have seen a scandal this stupid coming?

Betty: I never doubt Anita’s abilities to be dumber than a bag of rocks.

Mitchell: Am I still allowed to ride the bike?

Velma: You better! You bought the damn thing!

Mitchell: Is money really all that matters to you guys?

Velma: It’s pretty important.

Tammi: Not as important as paying your gang dues. Don’t want to piss them off.

Mitchell: Make your checks payable to me! 

What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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