Frances: Are we on the sun right now?
Diane: No place should ever be this hot.
Sam: Building this city was a mistake.
Leslie: You guys are all so sensitive! A bunch of whiners, every last one of you!
Garry: I didn’t whine!
Charlotte: I’m too overheated to whine.
Sam: Well, that’s what happens when you wear wool in August in Arizona.
Charlotte: It’s fashion-forward!
Sam: You’re British! Your body wasn’t designed to survive head surpassing seventy-five degrees, let alone a hundred and five!
Charlotte: I feel organs shutting down.
Frances: Thankfully, we’ll be spending our day in a hot kitchen watching people bake all day, that’ll cool us down!
Charlotte: I hate you for even making me think of ovens right now!
Frances: Hate Leslie for bringing us here!
Leslie: Everyone loves Arizona!
Sam: Everyone, such as moms wearing turquoise jewelry and retirees who find Florida’s climate to be too chilly.
Leslie: It’s a wonderful state.
Sam: Maybe when it’s not hotter than the sun.
Melanie: I don’t think it’s so bad.
Sam: You’re wearing shorts and a tank top.
Melanie: Yes, because I prepared.
Sam: I was born during the Eisenhower administration. The blazer and dress pants I’m wearing right now are the least I’ll ever wear in public.
Diane: Frankly, I’m too old to even be in this city. I’m risking heat stroke. Do you want me to die of heat stroke, Leslie?
Charlotte: We all know I’m the one most at-risk of dying of heat stroke here. I’m British!
Garry: And I’m wearing a sweater!
Carly: Well, whose fault is that, dear?
Gary: Mine…
Carly: Yes, correct.
Frances: I think I can survive Phoenix, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.
Leslie: How about we just go inside?
Frances: That’s too reasonable of a solution for this group
Paul: I’m going to be honest, gang, I actually have to leave. I have a meeting in LA, I won’t be around much of the week.
Charlotte: Oh, hell no! After everyone dragged me through the mud and then made me film scenes for last week’s episode on a green screen?
Paul: I know, I know.
Sam: The difference is, people want you on the set and on screen. No one’s ever wanted Paul around.
Paul: That is true. Objectively speaking… she is correct.
Sam: I always am.
Diane: Now THAT is definitely not true.
Paul: All right, I’m going to take off. You guys enjoy Phoenix, I’ll see you all soon enough. Hopefully not too soon.
Leslie: What exactly are you meeting about in LA?
Paul: I’m not at liberty to say.
Leslie: Well that just invites even more questions.
Paul: It’s important that this remain a secret. But if it goes well, you’ll know soon enough.
Sam: Why’s he talking in riddles instead of just leaving?
Paul: I’m leaving now. See you guys!
Paul walks back into the airport, as the gang walks to find their rental cars.
Diane: That was weird, right?
Frances: I don’t know, it’s so hot that I can’t even think.
Sam: Did the Phoenix heat melt your brain?
Frances: It may have, I feel woozy as all get out.
Diane: Let’s just get you to air conditioning.
Frances: That would be nice.
Garry: I, too, found that incredibly odd.
Sam: We all did, Garry, you’re not special!
Garry: I must be honest, I’m very tired of the verbal abuse. Nicolle, do something!
Nicolle: I’m not getting involved in this.
Carly: Sam, stop! I know karate and I’m not afraid to unleash my moves.
Sam: I can get your husband fired from the only show that’ll employ him with the snap of my fingers.
Carly: Yes, ma’am, sorry ma’am, carry on ma’am.
Sam: And don’t call me ma’am!
Carly: Noted!
Charlotte: So, what do we think the hypocrite has planned?
Leslie: Hypocrite? He didn’t give you that hard of a time when you went to your little festival.
Charlotte: He didn’t stand up for me when everyone was dogpiling on me! Now he leaves. It’s hypocrisy at its finest.
Sam: Are we not meant to be happy to get time away from him?
Charlotte: That’s not the point! The worst part is the hypocrisy!
Diane: I think the worst part is him having a secret meeting he won’t tell us about.
Charlotte: Not to me!
Leslie: Everyone, shut up and pick up the pace, Frances is going to die without A/C.
Frances: I’m fine!
Sam: How is Garry fine? He’s got that wool sweater on, looking like a dope on Christmas.
Carly: Wearing a wool sweater is his default setting. Even in this heat, it doesn’t impact him.
Sam: More proof that he isn’t human.
Leslie: Wow, look, our cars!
Diane: Frances, you’ve made it. We got you to the promised land!
Leslie: It’ll been a few minutes before the car warms up, don’t get her hopes up just yet.
Melanie: Are we going to need to take Frances to the hospital?
Frances: I’m fine!
Melanie: You look like a tomato.
Frances: That’s impolite.
Garry: I think we need to get her checked out.
Sam: He’s always here to tell a woman how she should feel! Mansplainer!
Garry: I’m concerned for her health!
Sam: Suuuuuure! Typical mansplainer trying to excuse his behavior when he’s called out.
Diane: Sam, that’s a little too woke.
Sam: No! You don’t get to use my sarcastic line on me!
Diane: I think I do, actually.
Frances: Oh look, Marcia’s here! Oh god, Jimmy too? We’re divorced, Jimmy! Go away!
Sam: Okay, she’s hallucinating, we may need to get her to the hospital.
Garry: Told you!
Sam: It’s disgusting that you’re using Frances’s health CRISIS as a moment to gloat.
Garry: I wasn’t tr-
Sam: You made your bed, now lie in it!
The next day…
Paul: Is Jacqueline here?
Alan (UTN’s CEO): No, she is not. Sit.
Paul: Wait, where is she? I was hoping to gloat in her face.
Alan: I’m not sure, actually. She said she had to go visit a set today, one of the top shows is causing her headaches and she wants to straighten things out.
Paul: Is it Bake Your Heart Out?
Alan: I think so, yeah.
Paul: Oh boy.
Alan: What?
Paul: That’s where I’m supposed to be, so her knowing I’m not there… not great.
Alan: Paul, don’t worry about her. The board is entirely sick of her antics, she’s done. The dictator act has worn out its welcome and then some. She has no power over you anymore.
Paul: What?
Alan: That’s why I called you here?
Paul: And here I thought I’d have to beg and plead for you for consider reinstating me.
Alan: Not so fast.
Paul: Excuse me?
Alan: It’s not going to be quite so easy. We’re narrowing down a field of candidates. You’re one of three on the shortlist.
Paul: Shortlist? I was the president of this network for over a decade! Things began falling apart as soon as I was dislodged. It’s clear that I deserve to be here.
Alan: I agree, but the board is afraid of appearing as if we’re moving backwards. You know that in business, it’s always best to keep moving forward.
Paul: Not at my expense!
Alan: I am on the side of rehiring you. I’ve told the board that. The other candidates are Mauren DuBrau and Elliot Campbell.
Paul: I have seniority over both.
Alan: Again, I know. It should be you. The important thing, though, is Jacqueline is being demoted, and you don’t have to serve her any longer. I know how emasculating that was for you.
Paul: It wasn’t emasculating. It was humiliating. I’m not a sexist, I don’t mind serving under a woman. Just not that woman.
Alan: Very well.
Paul: So what can I do to secure the job for myself?
Alan: We’re having our final meeting on it tomorrow. Just stay in town and let me handle swaying the board to your side. If you get the gig, you could be back in your corner office by next Monday.
Paul: That’d be great!
Meanwhile, in Phoenix…
Frances: That was scary yesterday.
Diane: I thought we were going to lose you. I saw the TMZ headline in my head and everything.
Frances: What was it?
Diane: “Frances Conner Dead… Beloved TV Chef Led the Cast of Bake Your Heart Out.”
Sam: Led? I think not.
Frances: Thank you for not mentioning my age!
Charlotte: What is your age?
Frances: We don’t ever need to talk about that.
Charlotte: I’m thirty-two, for anyone wondering.
Sam: For the twentieth year straight?
Charlotte: I have an Oscar, you know.
Sam: Really? You haven’t made that known at all.
Garry: I feel a chill.
Sam: In Arizona? I don’t think so, buddy.
Diane: How do they bake here? It’s too hot to use an oven!
Sam: I’ve never heard of a dessert from Arizona. Why the hell are we even here?
Leslie: I’m so tired of you asking that at every stop.
Sam: Stop taking us to nonsense places!
Jacqueline: Hello, everyone!
Sam: Oh my god, Gary really did feel a chill.
Garry: I’m on a roll!
Sam: Stop being a cocky ass!
Garry: Sorry.
Frances: I’ve ben told that you also gloated about knowing I was having a heatstroke yesterday.
Garry: That’s been blown out of context, but I apologize profusely.
Jacqueline: ‘Ello? I’m waiting for any acknowledgment you know I’m here! As your boss, I expect a better reception.
Leslie: You shouldn’t. They don’t like authority.
Jacqueline: Where is my minion?
Sam: Garry’s right here. He looks like a Minion.
Jacqueline: Paul, I mean Paul.
Charlotte: Nobody knows, but he did jet off and abandon his responsibilities, which I was throughly attacked for last week, so I expect similar for him!
Jacqueline: He isn’t here? That’s not good.
Sam: No, it’s great. You’re ruining the mood, though.
Melanie: I think he’ll be back soon.
Jacqueline: Today soon…?
Melanie: Nobody knows.
Jacqueline: Okay, he is SO fired for this.
Leslie: If you don’t mind, we have a show to produce, so if you could -
Jacqueline: Yeah, things need to change around here. That’s why I’ve come!
Leslie: Excuse me?
Jacqueline: The production on this show is ridiculously inefficient.
Leslie: Well, we are moving from state to state each week, and I have to edit as the -
Jacqueline: You’re costing me money! I don’t like people who cost me money!
Sam: Funny how the feeling is mutual, and no one in this room likes you either!
Diane: Sam, I think it’s best to dial it back a bit.
Sam: No, I’d like to keep going.
Frances: I almost died yesterday for anyone who cares. So you shouldn’t yell at someone in my condition.
Garry: And Charlotte’s got an Oscar.
Sam: Good one, Garry!
Jacqueline: This group needs discipline. It wasn’t this free-for-all I’m seeing right now when I was supervisor.
Diane: Yes, but we also all hated going to work then.
Jacqueline: Work is work. It’s not playtime!
Leslie: I can manage my own set. You’re here to oversee, not dictate. We don’t become the #1 show on TV by fostering a hostile environment.
Jacqueline: You keep it up, you’re going to lose that title!
Sam: Can I slap her? I don’t know if it’s the accent or what, but she infuriates me!
Diane: No, it’s the attitude.
Jacqueline: The way you all behave is utterly reprehensible.
Sam: Look in the mirror!
The next day…
Alan: Paul, thank you for coming.
Paul: I can’t lie, I’m incredibly nervous.
Alan: No reason to be. The board just met, and we do have news.
Paul: And it is…?
Alan: Paul, your tenure as president of this network was unmatched. You brought us into the future and developed so many hits.
Paul: This is a letdown speech, isn’t it?
Alan: No. We’re at a rocky time for our network. Only the shows you developed are doing well. Everything our last president developed has been a disaster. We need someone familiar and competent to right the ship. You’ve been promoted back to president. Thank you for having the loyalty and trust to stay on at this company during all of this turbulence. It’s hard to state just how much we appreciate it.
Paul: Thank you! Gosh, it feels so good to be back!
Jacqueline: Alan Reisenberg! I did not just find out from DEADLINE that I’ve been ousted!
Alan: Jacqueline, lovely as always.
Jacqueline: You are all snakes! I knew something was wrong when I went to Phoenix to bust that sorry-ass group of maniacs into shape and your sneaky arse wasn’t there!
Paul: Jacqueline, you have no reason to fear. You’re not fired. You’ll always have a job here.
Jacqueline: Oh, really? I don’t want your pity, I want the job I earned! But, on another note, what is the job you have in mind?
Paul: As the on-set supervisor of Bake Your Heart Out.
Jacqueline: Nooooooooo!
Alan: I think you two can work out the transition plan and your new position on your own. I’m not needed for this.
Jacqueline: Alan, it’s your office.
Alan: But I’m so hungry, lunchtime!
Jacqueline: It’s four PM!
Alan: Early dinner. Bye!
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
