Frances is siting on the airplane between DeAnna and Louise.
Louise: Frances, look at that on the ground!
Frances: Your head is the way.
Louise: Well soooooorry.
Frances: Why did that offend you?
DeAnna: Can you both just shut up? Some of us are trying to do something productive?
Frances: This ain’t first-class, princess. This is coach, and we’re animals here!
Louise: Yeah!
DeAnna: I’m not asking for you to be sane, I know that’s too much to ask of you. Just be quiet.
Frances: Is that all you want?
DeAnne: Yes! I’m reading the new Didion book!
Frances: Well let me tell you, that’s the last thing you’re going to get.
Louise: Let’s play tic-tac-toe.
Frances: That’s a great idea! I have a pen and a notebook!
DeAnna: This is going to be so loud, I just know it.
Frances: That’s the plan!
Beverly: Hey you guys!
DeAnna: Ah! Where did you come from?
Beverly: I’m pretending to go to the bathroom, really I just wanted to check to make sure neither of you killed the other yet.
Louise: All good for now!
DeAnna: I might kill her if she doesn’t let me read my book!
Beverly: So no crimes done yet, then I’m gonna get back to my seat before the stewardess yells at me.
Louise: They prefer to be called flight attendants now. It’s 2011, Beverly, get with the times.
Earl: Beverly, they just put on the fasten seatbelt sign.
Beverly: So why are you out of your seat?
Earl: To make sure you get back!
Frances: Jojo was a man who thought he was a loner
DeAnna: Oh dear god, how long is this flight?
Louise: Frances that was beautiful. You sing it better than McCartney.
Beverly: The flight’s two hours, you have another ninety minutes! Have fun!
Frances: I hope the stewardess comes around and brings us some pretzels and half a can of flat soda soon, that’s the best part of any flight.
Louise: Flight attendant!
Ninety minutes later…
Ariana (flight attendant): Ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived at our destination in Aspen, Colorado. We ask that you disembark in an orderly fashion and we thank you for flying with us!
Frances: So did you like your book?
Louise: Why are you crying like a baby?
DeAnna: The book was about the death of her daughter, have a heart.
Frances: I didn’t know, I thought it was about the night being blue, whatever that means.
DeAnna: Let’s just get off of this plane so we don’t have to see each other.
Frances: Sounds great to me.
Jane: Frances, you are so slow. Let’s go!
Frances: My god, how did you get up here so quick?
Marcia: She got up before the stewardess -
Louise: Flight attendant!
Marcia: Before the flight attendant told us we could get up.
Jane: I’m ready to get off this thing, I hate planes.
Marcia: You certainly couldn’t tell from how you acted on the plane today. You looked like a kid in a candy shop!
Jane: I haven’t gone on a vacation since I went to Minnesota with Frances last year, I’m ready to go!
Frances: Michigan. We went to Michigan.
Louise: Don’t remind me of Michigan right now, we’re on vacation.
DeAnna: You are on vacation. Cuckoo and I are on a work trip.
Frances: This makes me sick to say, but DeAnna’s right. This is not supposed to be a vacation, let’s not treat it as such. Except you, Louise. You can do whatever.
Louise: Woo-hoo!
Frances: Now, let’s get out of the aisle because everyone behind us looks infuriated.
Twenty minutes later…
Beverly: We all have our bags, right?
Jane: No…
Beverly: What? You didn’t get your bag?
Jane: I got my suitcase. I’m not traveling with my stuff in grocery bags, silly Beverly.
Beverly: Where did you find her?
Frances: I forget.
DeAnna: I’m guessing the return policy’s expired now?
Frances: You don’t get to joke about her, only people that know her can do that!
DeAnna: I know her! Say Jane?
Jane: I guess?
DeAnna: See!
Beverly: Will someone please listen to me?
Marcia: I’ll listen. I know what it feels like to be ig-
Beverly: The network paid for two rental cars for us.
DeAnna: I got one for myself.
Frances: Why are you still here?
DeAnna: It’s not my fault you’ve decided to convene around the baggage check.
Frances: Ugh…
Beverly: As I was saying, there’s two cars for us. We can go pick those up now so we can get to our hotel.
Jane: I think this clock is messed up. We left at eleven and the plane ride was two hours and we sat not he runaways for at least an hour but it says that it’s one o’clock. Either my perception of time is off or -
Marcia: Timezones, honey.
Jane: Huh. Never thought of that.
Marcia: You don’t think of much, do you?
Frances: Speaking of the network, I haven’t seen Charlie all day. Where is the little troll?
Beverly: I swore I told you this already but he was flying in a chartered private plane.
Frances: Why didn’t we get a private plane?
Beverly: He doesn’t like us nearly enough to pay for one. Now let’s get our cars and go, I need to relax.
Frances: You’re not gonna hear any pushback from me!
One hour later, at the hotel…
Jane: Beverly, why is this place called the Avalanche Lodge? That’s scary.
Louise: You know, I have to admit, the girl’s got a point. It’s a bad name, you never invoke a natural disaster in the name of your hotel!
Beverly: We aren't going to die in an avalanche, don’t worry.
Jane: I wasn’t worried, I just thought it was a weird name. I’m a little worried now, though.
Marcia: Look what you’ve done now, Bev.
Beverly: Can we just check in? Everything’s going to be fine!
Frances: It’s been a long day, the faster we get to our rooms, the better.
Marcia: Frances… it’s two o’clock.
Frances: It’s still been a long day!
Beverly walks up to the front desk.
Beverly: I’d like to check in.
Vera (desk clerk): Name and ID?
Beverly: Here ya go. Name’s Beverly Charlotte, I’m here with The Baking Channel.
Vera: Okay, you’re in room 307. It’s a lock-off room, Mr. Holmes said that would be fine.
Beverly: Who’s in the other room?
Vera: Marcia Conner-Klein and Jane. No last name for Jane.
Beverly: That makes sense.
Vera: Here’s your welcome packet and your keys.
Beverly: Thanks for your help! You’ve been lovely!
Vera: My pleasure!
Jane: Looks like we’re bunking together, Marcia!
Marcia: Guess this is what happens when the network doesn’t consider you an “essential worker.”
Jane: We’re gonna have fun!
Marcia: Please just don’t keep me up late every night because you’re blasting Katy Perry or whatever music you kids are listening to today.
Jane (singing): You make me feel like I’m livin’ a teenage dream, the way you turn me on!
Marcia: Please never repeat that ever again.
Frances: Can I check in now?
Vera: Sure! Name and ID?
Frances: First, I want to thank you for the early check-in time. Most hotels make you wait until four o’clock or so and, like, who has the time for that? I’m an early traveller, I like to get to my destination early! You know what I’m saying?
Vera: Name and ID?
Frances: Let me find it.
Louise: Do ya need my help?
DeAnna: You can’t give her the help she needs.
Frances: God, not you again.
DeAnna: I’m not thrilled to see you either.
Vera: Have you found your identification yet?
Louise: Yeah, Frannie. Let’s find it so we can go rest up before dinner tonight.
Frances: Here you go! My name’s Frances Conner!
Louise: I’m Louise MacKenzie in case you need to know!
Vera: I don’t.
Louise: Oh… well, that’s fine.
Vera: I see you right here, Mrs. Conner. You’re in room 311.
Frances: I must say dear, that truly means nothing to me.
Vera: It’s going to because you’re going to have to find it for yourself.
Frances: Then could I have my key so I can start the hunt?
Vera: I just want you to also know, you are also in a lock-off room.
Louise: My lock-off room, you mean what exactly?
Vera: The room is a double unit with two identical units. It’s a separate room in nearly every way except that there’s a doorway between the two rooms that just uses a bolt and not a separate room key. It’s usually used by large families. There’s also no sound-proofing between the two rooms as there would be between two separate units.
DeAnna: Who’s the poor sap that has to share a unit with her?
Vera: DeAnna Clifton.
DeAnna: Excuse me?
Frances: Please tell me that you’re just somehow recognizing who DeAnna is and that she is not staying in the other room.
Vera: No, she is in the other room. Here’s your room key, Mrs. Conner, have a heavenly day!
Frances: Let me tell ya Janie, there is going to be an avalanche in this place because I’m gonna bring this place crashing to the fu-
Charlie: Hi girls! I see you got here safely!
Frances: You have a lot of nerve!
Charlie: What in the lord’s name are you talking about?
Frances: The lord has nothing to do with it? You betrayed me!
Charlie: Frances, you’re talking silly. I paid for you to take a trip to Colorado. With your… wife?
Louise: I'm her sister-in-law. I’d never marry her! No offense, Frances.
Frances: You’re not my type, don’t worry about it.
DeAnna: For once, I’m on Fran’s side.
Frances: Don’t call me Fran.
Charlie: Can someone tell me what this is about? I really don’t know!
Frances: DeAnna and I are sharing a lock-off room. I know you had something to do with this!
Charlie: I really didn’t. I told the hotel that lock-off rooms were okay but they were all assigned randomly. I know you two have a feud goin’ on but I think you can make this work.
Frances: We don’t have a “feud.” We hate each other!
DeAnna: Yeah!
Earl: Are you following this?
Beverly: Not at all. I don’t care nearly enough to.
Marcia: Let’s just get to our rooms. That way, if Frances murders one of them right here in this lobby, the police won’t have to interview us.
DeAnna: Charlie, surely there’s something you can do for me? Especially after you made me sit in coach on our flight!
Charlie: It’s a week, you girls can deal with sleeping in connecting rooms for one week. Now, I’m off to my suite. Hope you settle in okay, see you tomorrow at the network meeting!
Frances: DeAnna, I despise you.
DeAnna: And I would enjoy murdering you.
Frances: Can we just try to make this work for this week?
DeAnna: We don’t have much of a choice.
Louise: It’s not like you’re really going to have to see each other that much. We’ll lock the door and that’ll be that.
Frances: Okay, let’s get to our room. I should really call my husband and see if he’s still alive.
In Frances and Louise’s room…
Louise: Oh my god! Frances, look at this place! Look at that view!
Frances: Is that snow on the ground?
Louise: It is!
Frances: Wow, maybe Jane isn’t that dumb after all.
Louise: Oh, she’s dumb.
Frances: You check out the pretty room. I’m gonna call home.
Frances calls Greg. Lauren answers.
Lauren: Aunt Frances! How’d the flight go?
Frances: Lauren, what are you doing in my house? I thought you guys were going to have a nice week in the guest house as a family?
Lauren: That was when mom was supposed to be home with us.
Louise: Is that Lauren? Let me say “hi” to her!
Lauren: Hi mom! Having fun?
Louise: Did she say something, Frances?
Frances: She asked if you’re having fun. I’m gonna put you on speakerphone so I don’t have to keep doing this.
Louise: We haven’t done much yet but I’m sure we’ll have a blast! It’s such a pretty hotel.
Lauren: I’m glad it’s a nice hotel. I remember the last vacation we took, the hotel looked like it was about to collapse.
Louise: That’s pretty much par for the course in Florida but that one was probably the worst place we ever stayed.
Lauren: I’m gonna let you go enjoy Aspen, I’ll talk to you later.
Louise: Okay honey, talk soon!
Frances: So, Lauren. Why are you answering the phone in my house?
Lauren: I’m in the house taking care of Uncle Greg. I was worried about him because I figured he must be really sick to skip the trip.
Frances: Well, how’s he doing?
Lauren: He’s been better.
Frances: Isn’t he feeling any better?
Lauren: He’s been sleeping for like an hour so I’m not sure how he is now.
Frances: Well, at least that’s something. If he’s sleeping, he can’t be puking!
Lauren: I gave him some medicine before he went to lay down, guess it’s working. When he gets up, I’ll try to give him some soup. Old family recipe.
Frances: That’s very sweet of you, thank you for taking care of him.
Lauren: No problem! I’m happy to help.
Frances: Give Greg my love when he gets up, I’ll talk to him tomorrow if he’s up to it. Give your father my love, too. Don’t want him to feel too left out
Louise: Oh god, tell your father I said hi, too. That would look so bad if I forgot but Frances remembered.
Frances: It really would be so embarrassing for you.
Lauren: I’ll tell them both, you two enjoy your trip. Love ya!
That night…
Frances: It’s almost eleven o’clock, are you going to shower?
Louise: Nah. I like to do my showering in the morning. That way I’m nice and clean at the start of my day.
Frances: Well, I like to shower at night so my bed stays clean.
Louise: The bed! That’s what I was gonna ask you! What are we doing about sleeping tonight?
Frances: There’s two twin beds in the bedroom.
Louise: Really? That feels, kinda, like we lucked out.
Frances: We’re pretty lucky people aren't we?
Frances and Louise suddenly hear a loud sound.
Louise: What the hell is that?
Frances: It sounds like… music?
Louise: I don’t want to work, I want to bang on the drum all day. Is that Todd Rundgren?
Frances: That song’s by Todd Rundgren but the reason we hear it right now is all because of DeAnna! I am going to kill her!
Louise: Some of us just want to do what normal people do on vacation: lay in bed with the TV on, intending to read a book, and then falling asleep ten minutes later.
Frances: No one’s going to be reading anything with that playing so loudly.
Louise: How is she even able to stand it that loud? It sounds like we’re at a concert.
Frances: Oh, now she’s playing Aerosmith. I didn’t strike her as the type to own an ‘80s rock CD but that seems to be the case.
Louise: What are we going to do?
Frances: Murder her?
Louise: That’s crazy, Frances. We don’t have a key to her room!
Frances: We’re going to lay here and try tor fall asleep even with that noise. Tomorrow we can see if they have earplugs for sale at one of the shops in the lobby.
Louise: This is gonna be a long night.
The next morning, at breakfast…
Marcia: Frances, you look…
Jane: Terrible!
Marcia: I was trying to find a more gentle word, but yes.
Frances: That was the worst sleep of my entire life.
Beverly: The bed isn’t that uncomfortable.
Frances: The bed’s fine. The loud rock music being blasted all night long, that wasn’t fine.
Beverly: What music?
Louise: That demon DeAnna -
DeAnna: What about me? And I prefer “demoness.”
Louise: I only got four hours of sleep last night because of you.
DeAnna: I have no clue what you mean, Jersey Girl.
Frances: You played loud music all night just to keep us awake.
Jane: We’re going to the slopes today so if Frances runs into a tree or something because she’s tired and distracted, you're going to jail for murder!
Marcia: Once again Jane, it’s August. We’re not going skiing.
Frances: Actually, there is fake snow on the slopes, we can go skiing.
Jane: Told ya.
Marcia: I’m not giving you credit, you thought it was February.
Jane: It’s always hot in California, it’s hard to keep track of the months!
Beverly: I’m just glad she knows we live in California.
Frances: We’re straying from the point!
Louise: I’m too tired to remember what that is.
Frances: DeAnna is a bitch who kept us up all night1
Louise: Oh, yeah.
Marcia: Well, based on everything I know about DeAnna, I can entirely believe it.
DeAnna: I was suffering from a bout of insomnia because I have trouble sleeping away from home. I played my music and maybe it was too loud but I didn’t think you’d be able to hear it. It was not to keep you up, because, Frances, the world does not revolve around you.
Frances: I heard basically the entire Revolver album last night so I don’t know about that!
Louise: It’s funny she was playing Revolver because I wanted to smash Maxwell’s Silver Hammer right into her freakin’ head.
Jane: I don’t know what that means.
Louise: Beatles songs! They’re the greatest band of all-time!
Jane: I prefer the music of Kesha.
Louise: I feel woozy.
DeAnna: So can we stop spreading rumors about me? I know you’re addicted to doing it but at some point you must stop!
Earl: Are they always like this?
Beverly: Yes. Usually their catfights happen off in the parking lot so I don’t have to hear it, but this is a regular occurrence.
Marcia: Let’s just say, if DeAnna ever went missing, the police should start the search in Santa Barbara.
Frances: If you can leave me alone for the rest of the day and keep it quiet tonight, we’re not going to have any problem for the rest of the trip.
DeAnna: I’m going to go get my breakfast now.
Frances: There aren’t words to express how much I don’t care.
DeAnna walks away just as Charlie enters the room.
Frances: Charlie! I have something to report to you.
Charlie: Frances, I have to hurry and eat so I can get ready for our meeting.
Frances: This will be quick, I promise.
Charlie: Fire away then!
Frances: So, having DeAnna as a neighbor is not working out so well.
Charlie: It’s been one night, how bad could it be?
Louise: We didn’t sleep all night!
Charlie: Apologies for asking but in the world are you?
Louise: We met yesterday!
Frances: She’s my sister-in-law.
Charlie: How is DeAnna responsible for you not being able to sleep?
Frances: It sounded like she was recording an episode of American Bandstand in her hotel room last night. She played loud music all night and kept us awake. She claims she wasn’t doing it on purpose but who plays music so loud at three in the morning?
Charlie: I’ll talk to her. I don’t want one of my stars to be put in such an unsatisfactory situation.
Frances: You’re a hero!
Charlie walks away.
Marcia: What do you think he’s going to do?
Frances: I have no clue, but getting a really nice talking-to and that alone makes me very happy.
Ten minutes later, DeAnna storms over to the table.
DeAnna: What have you done?
Frances: I ran into Charlie and told him why I was so tired. Why, did something happen?
DeAnna: He told me I can’t play my music in my room anymore at night and embarrassed me in front of the hosts of The Baker’s Dozen.
Marcia: “Mom, you embarrassed me in front of my friends!”
DeAnna: This is serious!
Frances: So he told you that you couldn’t torture me any further during hours in which any reasonable person would be expected to be sleeping? How dreadful.
DeAnna: He said if I do anything on this trip that upsets you, he’ll have me kicked out of the hotel and send me back to California.
Marcia: Aww, poor thing.
Frances: Well, well well. If it isn’t the consequences of your own actions.
DeAnna: Snitches get stitches.
Frances: Are you going to push me into a tree on the slopes?
DeAnna: It’s August, who goes skiing in August?
Frances: Joke’s on you, there’s plenty of snow on the ground!
DeAnna storms off.
Frances: Louise, I think we’re gonna sleep pretty well tonight!
Louise: I don’t know, the bed was kinda lumpy now that I think about it.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll and make sure to return next week for another new episode!
