Bake Your Heart Out Season 3 Episode 5 - Carly Simon

Bake Your Heart Out Season 3, Episode 5
Carly Simon

The gang is at the Oceanside Diner having breakfast.

Frances: You know what’s weird?

Sam: No, but I’m pretty sure you’re about to tell us.

Frances: Pretty much our entire lives revolve around food and somehow we eat breakfast at the same place every single morning.

Leslie: It’s convenient, the food’s good, and it opens super early so the people who insist on going to eat right when it opens are gone by the time we get here. Why mess with what works?

Sam: I agree with Leslie.

Leslie: Wow!

Sam: I know, I’m as shocked as you are!

Leslie: You’re usually so argumentative!

Sam: I know!

Diane: She got it out of her system on the way over here.

Sam: What are you talking about?

Diane: You mocked my blouse.

Sam: There’s so many flowers on it. Why?

Diane: It’s pretty!

Sam: Is it?

Charlotte: Good lord, I swear we go through this conversation every day.

Frances: Because we do!

Leslie: Sam always has something to say about how someone else is dressed.

Sam: I’m a comedian. I rely on observational humor.

Diane: Mocking our clothing is so original.

Sam: Thank you.

Garry: I know you guys are busy arguing about how terrible of a person Sam is, but I have something that I really need to ask you guys about.

Sam: Screw you, too, Garry.

Diane: Screw that, and screw you, you w-

Sam: I swear to god Diane if you quote that Olivia girl one more time I’m gonna bash your freakin’ head in

Diane: Well, good for you.

Sam: That was one of them, right? Can I do it now?

Charlotte: Sam, you just hate it because you’re a miserable old curmudgeon who feels old listening to someone born the same year you went on your second farewell tour.

Leslie: Surely Diane doesn’t make you listen to it that much.

Sam: She brought two CDs with for the trip. This CD by this new girl she’s obsessed with because it makes her feel cool, and the greatest hits of Creedence Clearwater Revival. I’m in hell.

Garry: Can I talk? I always get ignored!

Sam: Because no one has ever though “gee, I really wish I could know what Garry’s thinking right now.” Not even your wife!

Charlotte: Just let him talk!

Garry: Thank you, Charlotte.

Charlotte: Go quickly before Sam starts back up. She’s chewing her food right now.

Sam (with full mouth): I’ll be done soon, too!

Garry: I think Carly may be cheating on me.

Diane: I’m so sorry to laugh but Sam being unable to respond is just so funny to me!

Garry: I’m serious, Diane! I think my wife is cheating on me.

Leslie: Why do you think that, bud?

Garry: For a couple reasons. It’s been weighing so heavily on me for a couple weeks and I finally decided to say something.

Sam: Okay, I’m done! So, are you really surprised that Carly would be unhappy being married to you? Look at you, then look at her.

Charlotte: Sam! That is completely inappropriate!

Sam: It’s true!

Garry (crying): I know!

Sam: Oh god, now he’s crying. Seeing him cry is just so… uncomfortable.

Leslie: I wonder why he’s crying. Could it be because you’re unbelievably rude?

Garry: She’s too good for me!

Diane: Garry, stop it! If she’s cheating on you, she is NOT too good for you. An honorable person would never cheat.

Sam: She has experience in this department, her hubby drove off a bridge when he was trying to cheat on her.

Diane: Maude was right. God got him.

Charlotte: So we’re saying that if Carly is cheating on Garry, god will punish her with death?

Diane: No! I’m saying she’ll get what’s coming to her.

Charlotte: So basically, yes, that is what you’re saying.

Diane: Not necessarily!

Leslie: We still haven’t heard any of the reasons Garry thinks Carly’s cheating. Let’s stop crying like Lesley Gore at her birthday party and hear some evidence.

Diane: That’s a fair point.

Garry: So, firstly, she’s been getting home late every night.

Leslie: Getting home? She comes to dinner with us every night.

Garry: She’s been going out once we get back from dinner.

Diane: Red flag!

Garry: She says she’s going to some class, but she’s gone until like nine or even ten o’clock some nights. It’s bizarre.

Leslie: Anything else off?

Garry: Well, she didn’t ask her mother to come with us to Rhode Island this time.

Frances: To me that's just a sign that she really does love you!

Garry: She had her come in the winter to help take care of June and not this time. It’s like she didn’t want someone else around to question where she was at night.

Leslie: Anything else?

Garry: A few nights ago, I heard her on the phone. She called the person on the phone “Simon” even though she’s never mentioned someone by that name and I don’t know anyone named Simon.

Diane: Yeah, she’s cheating on you.

Sam: Duh!

Leslie: You should’ve led with that one, really.

Garry: It’s real bad, guys.

Diane: We’ll get through this together!

Frances: Wait a second. Your wife is named Carly.

Garry: Is this new information to you?

Frances: No, Garry. I was making an observation but you cut me off!

Garry: Sorry, Frances. I'm sort of in crisis right now.

Frances: So your wife’s named Carly and the guy she’s knocking boots with is named Simon? Carly Simon!

Diane: No, Frances, Garry’s not married to Carly Simon.

Frances: Their names are Carly and Simon, does no one else find that hilarious?

Garry: It’s hard to find the humor in the complete collapse of my life, Frances!

Frances: No, that part’s not funny at all! It’s just, ah, never mind.

Sam: Hey, Garry, cheer up. At least now you’re finally free to make a move on Frances! We know it’s what you both want!

Frances: I will kill you for even insinuating that.

Sam: You sang a song at my party two years ago about wanting to make love to one another! It’s pretty obvious what that means.

Frances: It was a song!

Garry: I want you guys to help me with something.

Charlotte: Anything, Garry. We all know how terrible this must feel and we just want to be here for you.

Sam: I never said that.

Diane: Not. Now.

Garry: I want you guys to go with me tonight when I follow her after she leaves the hotel.

Charlotte: You want us to what?

Sam: He wants us to help him stalk his wife.

Garry: It’s not stalking! We’re just making sure that she’s actually cheating on me before I accuse her of it.

Sam: That’s stalking. Trust me, I know. I’ve been stalked.

Diane: Ugh, we gotta hear this story again…

Sam: I was a victim.

Diane: We know! We were there!

Charlotte: Even I was there! It happened that recently!

Sam: You’re all victim-shaming right now and it’s a terrible look.

Garry: So will you help me?

Leslie: Uh…

Garry: You don’t want to. I knew it!

Diane: What you’re asking us to do is…

Sam: Sociopathic! You’re asking us to stalk a woman!

Charlotte: I don’t think Sam should be taking any sort of moral high ground here.

Sam: I may be a sarcastic bitch but I’ve never stalked anyone!

Garry: It’s not stalking. I’m only following my own wife to see whether she’s breaking our marital vows.

Sam: Close enough. Nicolle would kill me if I followed her around like that!

Garry: You and Nicolle have a different relationship than Carly and I.

Sam: Yes. Nicolle’s not cheating on me./

Diane: That you know of.

Sam: I will pull your hair out.

Diane: Not my hair, it’s the only thing I have left on my body that’s an original part!

Frances: You know what, Garry? I don’t do anything at night. I’m in.

Garry: You are?

Charlotte: You are?

Frances: I am! It could be fun. If she isn’t cheating on him, we don’t have to hear him cry anymore. If he is, we get to mock him. Win-win.

Garry: That’s… it’s not sweet, but it’s not quite mean. I don’t know the actual word for it.

Charlotte: It’s mean, Garry.

Leslie: I’ll go, too. You deserve to know if your wife’s cheating on you.

Diane: Me and Sam are going, too.

Sam: I did not agree to that.

Diane: You’re going.

Sam: Fine, I like a good stakeout.

Charlotte: Whose car could we all fit into?

Garry: Melanie has a minivan. Maybe we could ask her to take.

Charlotte: Now we’re involving civilians!

Garry: Melanie’s not just some random person! She’s in the group!

Sam: As long as Paul doesn’t come, I really don’t mind who we take with.

Garry: So we’re going tonight?

Diane: It’s not like we have anything planned. That’ll work!

Leslie: Okay, now can we get off on today’s adventure? We can plan this a bit later, the lighthouse tour leaves at noon and it’s an hour drive with traffic.

Diane: I’m afraid of boats. I thought I should tell you guys that before we go.

Sam: You’re going, Diane. I paid for your ticket. You’re going.

Diane: I didn’t say I didn’t want to go! I’m said I’m afraid!

Sam: Les, you got a Xanax?

Leslie: Not for her!

Sam: Why not?

Leslie: You can’t just give someone else medication they don’t have a prescription for! She has a fear of boats, Xanax ain’t gonna cure it!

Sam: I don’t want it, either. I’ll be okay.

Charlotte: Okay, then let’s pay and go. The waitress looks beyond ready for us to go.

Sam: Garry, you’re payin’.

Garry: What?

Diane: She’s joking.

Sam: I am not.

Five hours later…

Melanie: Guys! How was the trip?

Sam: Well, Diane threw up.

Melanie: Oh no! Diane, are you sick?

Diane: No, I’m just a scaredy cat.

Melanie: Well…. yeah.

Garry: Melanie, you’re so sweet.

Leslie: Oh, here we go…

Melanie: Thank you, Garry. You’re too kind.

Garry: Let’s talk quietly.

Melanie: Why, are we on camera? I’m just kidding, we always are.

Charlotte: We are?

Melanie: Yes, security footage in the lobby.

Charlotte: That does make sense.

Garry: I have a question for you, Melanie.

Melanie: Hit me with your best shot.

Diane: Fire away! Oh, sorry. Big Pat Benatar fan.

Sam: At least that’s age-appropriate.

Garry: I’m gonna whisper it to you because I don’t want anyone to hear this.

Melanie: Whatever you need to do.

Garry: I think Carly is cheating on me.

Melanie: Oh no!

Garry: You need to be more quiet than that.

Melanie (softer): Oh no.

Garry: That’s it!

Melanie: Why do you think that?

Garry: Long story but they all agree so I can’t be too crazy. I want to know if you’d let us use you’re minivan tonight to follow her when she leaves the hotel.

Melanie: I would do anything for a friend! I want to come with, though.

Garry: See guys? That’s how you support your friend from the start!

Frances: I was very supportive!

Garry: You actually were.

Frances: I know!

Melanie: When are we going?

Garry: Well, we’re gonna go to dinner and all act completely normal, right?

Diane: Of course!

Garry: And then around seven we’re gonna leave and follow her.

Melanie: I’ll be here!

Garry: Thank you, you're such a good friend!

Sam: Now he’s just rubbing it in. I don’t like that.

That night…

Melanie: Guys, you coming?

Sam: Good god, Garry. What the hell are you wearing?

Charlotte: Not this again…

Melanie: Get in the car, we’re gonna lose her!

Leslie: I’m scared to think about how many laws we’re about to break.

Frances: That’s the fun part!

Leslie: I can see the headlines now. “Bake Your Heart Out canceled as cast and creator are arrested.”

Frances: What a way to go out!

Garry: Don’t worry, we’re not getting arrested. We’re only driving on a public road.

Leslie: Above the speed limit.

Garry: They’re not arresting us all because Melanie is speeding.

Sam: Yup, they’re just arresting Melanie.

Diane: Poor Melanie. She’s too sweet for the slammer.

Melanie: I think you’re vastly underestimating me, Diane.

Frances: Who gets arrested for one instance of speeding?

Melanie: No one, but I’m very glad to know that some of you would be okay with that happening to me.

Garry: I would not be okay with it at all! I'm so glad you’re doing this.

Melanie: I’m just pulling your leg.

Diane: Are we almost there? My leg is cramping, I gotta stand up.

Garry: I have no clue, we’re following the car in front of us.

Diane: Okay, I’ll suffer in silence back here.

Sam: We better get there soon before Diane dies of a blood clot.

Leslie: Great joke, Sam. Now she’s gonna be worried about that all night.

Five minutes later…

Melanie: The car is stopping!

Garry: Are we sure she’s not just stopping at a stop sign?

Melanie: She’s pulling in a parking lot.

Garry: Okay, we’re good then. Drive around the block for a minute so she doesn’t see us when she gets out.

Melanie: Will do.

Charlotte: I have a question. Garry, why am I in the front and not you?

Garry: I don’t want any risk of her seeing me.

Charlotte: So you want her to think Melanie and I are stalking her?

Garry: Again, this is not stalking.

Charlotte: When you have to explain that what you are doing is not stalking, it’s a bit too close to stalking.

Sam: So true, Charlotte!

Melanie: Is it okay to pull into the lot now?

Charlotte: You’re good. She’s already in there.

Sam: Well, now I’d say that Charlotte has actively participated in the stalking.

Leslie: This is why I said we’re all going to be arrested.

Diane: I’m too old to go to jail. I’ll die in there.

Sam: On the plus side, you’ll have time to write that book you always talk about writing.

Leslie: Where are we, Melanie?

Melanie: It says “Simon Bosner’s Dance Academy.” 

Sam: Garry, you friggin’ idiot! She really is going to dance class! Simon’s her dance teacher!

Garry: This doesn’t disprove my suspicious yet. Maybe she’s having an affair with her dance teacher!

Diane: How cliche. You’re better than that, Garry.

Garry: She could be!

Frances: This has already been so funny. This is much better than laying in my bed and falling asleep to Seinfeld repeats with a bag of popcorn laying on my stomach.

Leslie It sure is, because who do you think has to clean up that popcorn when it spills? Leslie.

Frances: Don’t refer to yourself in the third person. It’s creepy.

Charlotte: So is this bizarre stakeout being called off?

Garry: No! We need to wait until the class is over. It’ll probably be an hour. Then we’ll know for sure.

Melanie: I have nothing to do so that’s fine by me.

One hour later…

Garry: There she is! She’s at the door!

Diane: Scandalous!

Garry: The other ladies are all walking out but she isn’t!

Charlotte: She’s just holding the door open for them. That’s sweet.

Garry: I’ll be the judge of that.

Charlotte: Okay?

Melanie: The door just closed. It looks like she’s walking back into the dance studio.

Garry: I told you! She’s staying after class to have her affair!

Sam: This proves nothing.

Frances: It’s a little weird.

Sam: Diane, you were cheated on.

Diane: Thanks for the reminder.

Sam: Is this at all like your experience?

Diane: I wouldn’t know. I didn’t find out I was being cheated on until they found his mistress’s body next to his in the car in somewhere in the bay.

Leslie: Wow, that’s dark.

Melanie: So what’re we doing, Garry?

Garry: Let’s stick around for a while. It’s just getting good now!

Leslie: Guess it’s time for another round of the guessing game!

Sam: Yaaaaaaay.

Leslie: Don’t sound so excited.

Thirty minutes later…

Melanie: Carly is exiting the building. Carly is -

Garry: I got it the first time.

Melanie: Guys!

Sam: What? Something interesting finally happening?

Melanie: Carly just walked past her car.

Garry: I bet she’s walking to her boyfriend’s car.

Melanie: She also walked past the only other car in the lot.

Garry: Maybe she’s taking an Uber? They probably had a romantic dinner and drank some booze.

Diane: At eight o’clock?

Garry: You never know! At least she’s not drinking and driving!

Melanie: She’s walking over to our car!

Garry: Hit the gas!

Melanie: I would hit her!

Carly taps on Melanie’s window.

Carly: Melanie! What the hell is this about?

Leslie: Garry, shh!

Carly: I see you back there, Garry.

Garry: Oh, hi honey! Or should I say, hi cheater?

Carly: Garry what the hell are you talking about?

Garry: You are cheating on me with Simon!

Carly: What? My dance teacher? My seventy-four year old dance teacher?

Garry: Wow, you find me that unappealing that a septuagenarian is more desirable than me?

Carly: I’m not cheating on you! Why would you and The Marvelettes here think that?

Charlotte: I want you to know that I -

Carly: Garry, answer me.

Garry: You’re coming home so late every night, talking to a guy names Simon, what else am I supposed to think?

Carly: Can you guys get out of the car? This is ridiculous!

Diane: All of us?

Carly: All of you…

Leslie: I told you we were gonna get arrested.

Carly: No one’s getting arrested. This is all a terrible misunderstanding.

Garry: How is it a misunderstanding?

Sam: She’s saying she never cheated on you. Keep up, Garry.

Carly: That’s exactly what I’m saying. Garry, I love you.

Sam: Ew.

Carly: I would never cheat on you!

Garry: Why are you out so late? Why’d you go back in the studio after the others left? And what’s with the private calls?

Carly: I’m not a dancer, okay.

Garry: Why are you going to nighttime dance school then?

Carly: Our wedding anniversary is in two weeks. I’m trying to do something special for it. Five years!

Garry: Oh my god.

Frances: He forgot! Oh my god!

Sam: What a Garry.

Carly: Honey, you forgot, didn’t you?

Garry: I did! Oh, I feel terrible!

Diane: Guess she didn’t cheat, and she’s not a traitor.

Carly: Thank you, Miss Rodrigo.

Diane: Finally someone gets it!

Sam: Diane, you will be reprimanded when we get back to the hotel.

Melanie: Carly, I am so sorry about this invasion of your privacy. I feel awful.

Carly: It’s not a big deal. I was acting very fishy and Garry is very persuasive.

Leslie: Is he?

Frances: He got us here, didn’t he?

Carly: I’m only mad that my surprise is ruined. I honestly would do like the exact same thing if I thought he was cheating on me.

Garry: Point taken.

Sam: I never doubted you for a second… friend.

Carly: Sure you didn’t.

Diane: She was actually relatively skeptical. She beloved you could cheat on him because she has a very low opinion of Garry, but she did make fun of him once it started to look like you were just at a dance class. If that helps.

Carly: I don’t know if it does.

Garry: So can we all just…

Carly: Forget about this? God, please. Let’s go home. Garry, you’re riding with me. There’s too many people in that van, it’s unsafe.

Garry: See you guys tomorrow!

Leslie: We’ll see about that.

Sam: How the hell did Garry not get in trouble for that?

Diane: Because love means never having to say you’re sorry.

Sam: Huh?

Diane: I don’t know, I just heard it in a movie once.

 What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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