Frances in the Kitchen Season 2 Episode 9 - Farmers Market in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 2, Episode 9
Farmers Market in the Kitchen

Beverly and Marcia are sitting in Beverly’s office.

Marcia: Why do we always get here early? We don’t have any reason to get here almost and her before Frances. It’s not like we can exactly film without her. Her name is on the show after all.

Beverly: We get here before her because she lives an hour farther away than we do, no other reason.

Marcia: You realize we could just leave an hour later. We don’t get paid based on the time we leave, we get paid based on the time we start working. We aren’t currently working right now. You’re playing Mahjong online and I was just reading a book before I came in here. We don’t get paid for that.

Beverly: No, but I’m becoming a world-class Mahjong-er and you’re getting so much reading done. That’s payment in its own way.

Marcia: No, it is not.

Jane: Beverly, Marcia, are you here?

Marcia: Is that…? It couldn't be.

Beverly: I think it is.

Marcia: Jane! We’re in here!

Jane: Why?

Beverly: Because this is my office, and I work here.

Marcia: You’re like fifteen minutes early today, what happened? Did you set your alarm for an hour before you actually had to get up?

Jane: Wait, I’m early? I just thought everyone else was even later than I was.

Marcia: No one but you has ever been nearly an hour late, which I’m certain is how late your thought you were.

Beverly: We’re so proud of you for getting here on-time, though! That’s progress! Progress is good!

Marcia: It’s so funny that we’re complimenting someone on being on-time.

Jane: I’m not on-time!

Marcia: That’s something you can say every day, I know.

Jane: I’m early!

Beverly: I give Frances credit every time she’s on-time, I’ll do it to Jane, too, Only fair, especially when getting her here on-time is even more rare.

Marcia: What a poet you are.

Frances: Was my name mentioned?

Marcia: Seriously, how are you both early? Has hell finally frozen over?

Frances: I want to get filming done early because it’s Wednesday and I want to go to the farmers market.

Beverly: Can we just laugh at how funny it is for Frances to be treating Wednesday like it’s a Friday?

Frances: Well, it is for me! It’s my last day of work for this week!

Beverly: Lucky you.

Jane: I’m on the clock and ready to rock all day, every day.

Marcia: Do you even technically work? You get paid the big bucks to get Frances tea and, occasionally, answer her phone calls.

Jane: I work very hard!

Marcia: I’m sure for you it is very hard.

Frances: So, can we get to work so I can get outta here. I want to get to the market before all the good, fresh produce is bought up. I’m having a clam bake this weekend and I want some good corn to go with it.

Beverly: We sorta have to wait for the crew to get here but we can get ready.

Marcia: Did you just say you’re having a clam bake and you’re not inviting us?

Frances: It’s just for my family.

Marcia: I’m family.

Frances: Family that lives at my house.

Marcia: I’d live at your house if you invited me.

Frances: You’re so difficult.

Jane: Thank you!

Marcia: I’m just pulling your leg, I’m busy this weekend, too.

Frances: With what?

Marcia: Well, I wasn’t expecting you to ask.

Four hours later…

Beverly: And… cut! See ya next week, folks!

Frances: I hate to run, but the folks at the farmers market are very competitive and I don’t want to miss out on the good stuff.

Marcia: Where is this farmers market you speak of?

Frances: I don’t want to give away my secrets!

Jane: It’s in Santa Monica.

Frances: Jane!

Marcia: For once Jane’s absentmindedness works in my favor!

Jane: I didn’t tell you because I’m dumb! I told you because I want us to go together!

Marcia: Us?

Jane: Me, you, Beverly and Frances.

Frances: I don’t think I asked for a crowd to join me.

Marcia: It’s a public space, anyone can go.

Frances: Really? I didn’t know that!

Marcia: Don’t get smart with me! We’re going.

Beverly: It’s a haul for me, I don’t know if I sh-

Marcia: You’re going.

Beverly: Okay, I’m going.

Frances: None of you are gonna swipe in and take what I want before I can buy it, right?

Beverly: I just went grocery shopping last night, so, no.

Frances: Fine, you can come.

Marcia: Thank you for letting us come to this public shopping market! You’re an angel.

Frances: Maybe you can’t come…

Marcia: I’m real scared now.

One hour later, at the Santa Monica Farmers Market..

Marcia: This is the place you were raving about?

Frances: Great, ain’t it?

Marcia: It’s… a farmers market.

Frances: What were you expecting, the Mall of America?

Marcia: I wasn’t it expecting to -

Beverly: Smell?

Frances: That adds to the experience! That’s the smell of the fresh produce!

Beverly: It sure doesn’t smell fresh.

Frances: You’re so used to the grocery store’s version of fresh, that’s why you don’t get it.

Beverly: I think I know what a cucumber is supposed to smell like.

Jane: Do they have any good desserts here? I want some cupcakes.

Frances: Let me pick out my corn and then we can go get your cupcakes. What do you two want here?

Marcia: A nose plug, for starters.

Frances: Take this seriously! It’s very rare for me to tell people about this market, it’s my little secret.

Marcia: Again, this is a public market.

Beverly: This place is packed.

Frances: Oh, can you two just be grateful?

Marcia: For?

Frances: Ah! You drive me crazy!

Marcia: We know.

Jane: So where’s this corn you want to get?

Frances: It’s at Hank’s Produce, it’s just down the way here.

Jane: Can we go there?

Frances: That’s where we’re heading right now. I can’t just snap my fingers and have us magically be there.

Jane: Someone should work on changing that.

Ten minutes later…

Frances: Finally! Here at last!

Beverly: How does it take so long to walk through a farmers market?

Frances: Maybe I could’ve bought my corn by now if it weren’t for Marcia stopping us so she could get a chicken leg.

Marcia: It looked good!

Jane: You would’ve made fun of me if I stopped us for that!

Marcia: You’re right, and you would have deserved it.

Beverly: Hey, get a look of that guy over there.

Marcia: Because there’s only one guy in this whole place.

Beverly: That guy at the register, at the meat shop.

Marcia: What about him?

Beverly: Look how he’s dressed.

Marcia: In clothing?

Beverly: A navy blue hoodie and sweatpants. In August! In California!

Marcia: Better have him arrested.

Beverly: It’s strange! And he has his hands in his pocket, too.

Frances: What are you two on about?

Marcia: Bev thinks that guy over there is suspicious because she’s wearing a hoodie.

Beverly: It’s one-hundred degrees outside! I’m sweating like a greased pig.

Marcia: Didn’t need that visual, thanks.

Frances: It’s definitely suspicious.

Jane: I think it’s fine, I’ll go check it out if it really makes you feel better.

Frances: Your really should not do that.

Jane: I want to.

Beverly: How about we all just go over there and make sure it’s all okay and then we’ll feel better?

Frances: We could also just get my corn.

Beverly: Come on, Frances!

Frances: Fine…

Marcia: We’re going to go over there and harass that poor young man and look like a bunch of lunatics.

Beverly: In think that’s a feeling we’re used to at this point.

The group walks into the meat shop and approaches the counter.

Victor (employee): Girls, go!

Marcia: Girls? We are women and we’re not about to be talk-

Lester (man in blue hoodie): Get on the ground, now!

Beverly: I think this is a terrible misunderstanding and we can leave.

Lester pulls out a gun.

Beverly: Okay, on the ground we go.

Frances: Good going, you two.

Beverly: Us two? You’re the one who showed us your super-secret market!

Frances: What a time to be cracking jokes.

Marcia: Sir, we mean no harm. If you just let us go, we’ll let you continue with, uh, whatever this is, completely undisturbed.

Lester: Did I say you could talk?

Marcia: You did not.

Jane: What if I crawl out of here to try to get some help?

Marcia: He’ll see you?

Lester: I can hear you!

Marcia: I’m sorry, she’s a little dumb.

Frances: Hey, uh, can I ask a question?

Lester: No.

Frances: It was worth a shot.

Lester: There weren’t supposed to be any witnesses. There weren’t supposed to be any other customers…

Victor: Then let them go. They have nothing to give you.

Lester: If they go, they’ll ruin my plan.

Beverly: I hate to tell ya this, but this plan was far from fool-proof. There’s a huge window here, if I could see you in here, well, so can anyone else.

Lester: Does your window have curtains?

Victor: It’s a store, why would it have curtains?

Lester: For security purposes.

Victor: Would you not have come in here if there was a curtain?

Lester: It would’ve made me even more likely to come in.

Victor: Then it’s not a very good security measure, is it?

Frances: Me again.

Lester: What do you want? You’re so annoying!

Frances: I’ve been told. Really though, I just want to call home.

Lester: Why would I let you do that?

Marcia: Yeah, Frances. Why would he let you do that?

Frances: I won’t call the police. I just want to tell my husband and my family that I won’t be home for a while.

Lester: You cant tell them why.

Frances: Of course not!

Lester: And you have to give me your watch.

Frances: What? I love my watch!

Marcia: Just give him the damn watch!

Lester: I want yours, too. And your ring.

Marcia: My ring? My engagement ring? You’re not getting that.

Frances: Just give him the damn ring!

Marcia: I do not appreciate that.

Frances: You deserve to know how it feels.

Marcia: Fine, take the ring.

Lester: Good. I didn’t want to have to blow your head off for it.

Marcia: Thanks, appreciate it.

Jane: Don’t you want my ring?

Marcia: You idiot!

Lester: I can tell it’s plastic.

Jane: What! No it’s not! I got it from Frances!

Frances: In my defense, I randomly gave it to you. It wasn’t a gift. I had it laying around and thought you’d like it.

Beverly: You gave her costume jewelry?

Frances: It’s pretty!

Marcia: Pretty fake.

Lester: You better hurry up and call your family before I change my mind.

Marcia: What is your long-term goal here, exactly?

Victor: He’s waiting until my boss gets back from the bank with his co-conspirator.

Lester: She asked me! But that is my goal, yes.

Marcia: Okay, thanks for letting me know! Appreciate it so much!

Frances: I’m calling now. My phone’s almost dead so I won’t be long.

Frances calls Greg.

Greg: Honey! Did you get out of work early today?

Frances: Ah, no. I’m just calling to say I’m working late. Charlie sent me and DeAnna to the farmer’s market to pick some things up for our crossover special. It’ll be a few more hours at least.

Greg: DeAnna?

Frances: Yeah, I’ll talk to you later. Send Jimmy and the girls my love.

Greg: Your love? That sounds so formal, honey.

Frances: I love you, so much. I hope I’ll be home soon but I doubt it. Long day ahead of us here. Eat without me!

Greg: You have fun with… DeAnna. Love you.

Greg hangs up and walks over to Jimmy and Louise’s guest house.

Greg: Guys…

Louise: Greg! Not every day you stop by here.

Greg: You do live about twenty feet away from me, it shouldn’t be too shocking.

Jimmy: Is it dinner time already?

Greg: I’m concerned.

Louise: When aren’t ya?

Greg: Frances just called me -

Louise: I see the reason for concern.

Greg: She said she was at the farmer’s market with DeAnna for some crossover thing Charlie had her do. I’m sure we’d remember her complaining to us about it if she knew in advance. We still have to hear about Aspen.

Lauren: What do you think is going on?

Jimmy: It’s pretty clear that she was calling you to tell you she’s escaping to be in the Witness Protection Program but she couldn’t tell you that outright so she made up a lie. Duh.

Greg: I actually think you may be onto something.

Jimmy: You do?

Lauren: Take the win, dad. You need it.

Greg: I think something has gone horribly wrong at that farmers market. I don’t know what, though. I should call 9-1-1.

Jimmy: And tell them what?

Greg: I think my wife is in trouble at the farmers market and I need someone to do something about it.

Louise: If she really is with DeAnna, the only trouble she’s in is that she’s probably committed attempted murder by now.

Back at the farmers market…

Beverly: Are you going to shoot us or what? Just get it over with if you are. I’m ready to go at this point.

Marcia: Beverly!

Lester: I’m only going to shoot if you keep running your mouth. It’s a last-case scenario, trust me. Too messy and too loud.

Beverly: Good to know. Can you just let us go then?

Lester: Not until I get my money!

Beverly: We gave you our money already.

Lester: The bank money! Keep up!

Victor: They have nothing else to give you, let them go.

Lester: How are none of you getting this? I can’t let them go because they might snitch on me! Marcia: Not me! My daddy always taught me that snitches get stitches.

Frances: Bill was such an interesting guy.

Lester: Just stay there and stay quiet. If you’re not a hassle, you’ll be able to leave in live ten minutes.

Jane: I have to pee.

Lester: Good for you.

Jane: That’s such a mean phrase.

Lester: I have a gun.

Jane: Sorry, I’ll be quiet.

Lester: That would be a switch.

Marcia: I think we could give this guy a job. He has my sense of humor.

Lester: You better be quiet, too. All of you.

Frances: Haha!

Lester: That includes laughing!

Ten minutes later…

Lester: Did you just hear a knock?

Marcia: I thought we weren’t supposed to talk…

Victor: Maybe it’s Amy and your friend with the money.

Lester: It wasn’t at the back door, it was at the entrance.

Victor: Well, we’d know if it were knocking if you didn’t throw a blanket over the windows.

Lester: We needed privacy.

Victor: Let me just go check the door.

Lester: Just ignore it! We don’t need any more hostages.

Victor: I’ll tell them we’re closed and they’ll go away. It’s no big deal.

Lester: Fine. Whatever.

Victor walks over to the door, unlocks it, and opens it.

Victor: Hey, we’re closed.

Man: I just need some bratwurst for dinner tonight, I’ll be no hassle.

Victor: We are closed!

The man pushes into the store.

Lester: What the hell, dude?

Man: What is going on in here?

Jane: Help us!

Lester: I’m gonna have to shoot, this is not good. I was not prepared for this.

Man: I was.

The man pulls out a gun and shoots Lester in the arm.

Marcia: What the hell just happened?

Two officers bust through the door and pick Lester off the ground.

Man: I’m Sergeant Damon O’Leary. Which one of you is Frances?

Frances: That’d be me. Star of the beloved classic cooking show Frances in the Kitchen!

Damon: Your husband was very concerned about you and insisted that I check on you. I knew a few of my colleagues were in the area and I called them for backup once I saw the windows here were covered. He may have saved your life.

Marcia: Wow, my brother is a hero!

Damon: You are?

Marcia: Marcia Conner-Klein. The hero’s sister, and Frannie’s sister-in-law.

Damon: He just said a DeAnna may be here, nothing about a Marcia.

Marcia: He didn’t know I was here, that’s okay.

Beverly: The guy who held us hostage, he said there’s an accomplice who is going to the bank with a worker here at the store. Maybe we should get out of here.

Damon: We’ll have some officers stay outside for when they return. It’ll all be okay.

Beverly: Thank you for rescuing us.

Damon: No problem. For what it’s worth, you girls look quite capable of defending yourselves. You were smart, somehow getting in contact with someone.

Frances: I am quite the thinker.

Marcia: Keep telling yourself that.

Damon: Just come down to the station to talk to us about this when you have the time, I’ll let ya finish your shopping today, I know what a hot commodity this place is.

Ten minutes later…

Frances: Are you kidding me? They’re out of corn! All because I listened to you two and we went in that shot, I’m not getting my delicious corn I’ve been daydreaming about! It’s the only thing that got me through that whole ordeal!

Marcia: Frances, I think I speak for everyone when I say “shut up!”

What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll and make sure to return next week for the season finale!

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