Bake Your Heart Out Season 3 Episode 6 - Melatonin

Bake Your Heart Out Season 3, Episode 6

The cast is sitting in Sam’s dressing room during a break in filming.

Diane: I really don’t want to eliminate anyone today, no one did that badly.

Frances: Diane, we go through this every week.

Diane: I’m still broken up about sending Darren home last week and he did terribly when he got sent home.

Charlotte: Diane, I say this as a very sensitive person myself. You may be a bit too sensitive for this.

Diane: It’s not bad to have feelings!

Sam: It is when you have them all the time…

Diane: How is it bad to never be a numb, heartless monster?

Sam: Harder to feel sadness when you don’t feel anything.

Diane: You’re the saddest person I know!

Sam: That’s a lie. You know Garry.

Garry: I’m married with a daughter and we’re all very happy, I’m not sad!

Sam: You thought she was cheating on you literally a week ago. We stalked her with you.

Garry: This again?

Charlotte: That’s so last week, Sam.

Frances: Yeah, now we’re talking about what a problem it is for Diane to have feelings.

Charlotte: When you put it that way, we sound like terrible people.

There’s a knock at the door.

Sam: Oh god, that’s Leslie coming to get us back on the set. Stop the tears, Diane.

Diane: I’m not even crying.

Paul: You guys, -

Sam: Oh god, it’s even worse than Leslie! It’s Paul!

Paul: Leslie wants you on set in five. And, Sam, I heard that.

Sam: Sorry buddy! Just a joke!

Paul: Sure it was…

Frances: Guys, I’ve come to a conclusion. Stay with me on this one.

Diane: Go ahead.

Frances: Sam just isn’t into men.

Sam: Wow, what gave you that idea? Was it the part where I’m married to a woman?

Frances: I don’t mean romantically! God, we all know you’re a lesbian. The Pride fiasco was like two weeks ago.

Sam: That was Diane’s meltdown, not mine.

Frances: I mean you’re just not fond of men in general. You’re always picking on Garry and you hate Paul.

Sam: I don’t dislike all men. It’s just that Garry’s a loser and Paul’s a braying ass. Find a guy who is neither a loser or an ass and I’ll like them just fine.

Charlotte: I think we should table this conversation before Leslie sends a search and rescue team for us.

Frances: She’d just send Paul again. No harm in having him walk back here, he’s one of those freaks who likes exercise.

Sam: I’d rather have the search and rescue team. I don’t wanna hear his voice any more than I must.

The gang walks out onto the set.

Leslie: Wow, you guys came out without me having to send Paul back to get you again! That’s new!

Sam: We are so helpful and nice, aren’t we.

Garry: I have a question, Leslie.

Leslie: What’s that?

Sam: You don’t have to pretend to be interested. We all know you’re not. No one is.

Leslie: Unlike you, I care about my friend and his concerns. Go ahead, Gar.

Garry: How did Paul become your personal assistant? I think it’s hilarious but how’d it happen?

Leslie: You know, I really have no idea. I quite like it, though.

Paul: I wasn’t really doing anything else, I might as well make myself useful.

Sam: Pay women equally, that would be really useful.

Paul: I already am committed to fair and equal wages, Gloria Steinem.

Sam: Gloria Steinem is a hero of mine so I’ll take that as a compliment.

Paul: I certainly wasn’t trying to insult you. Your commitment to equal rights is inspir-

Sam: Save it.

Leslie: This has been enlightening, but I think us finishing up with filming would be even more enlightening!

Diane: I’m not ready! I hate eliminating anyone!

Leslie: Just think, Diane. The faster you finish with this, the faster you can get back to listening to your music in your dressing room again. You know, Olivia, uh…

Diane: Olivia Rodrigo?

Sam: That girl is sad as hell, that’s just gonna make her worse. She’s gonna be like this all day.

Frances: She’ll be crying into her lobster bisque, what a shame.

Leslie: Listen to some happy music, then! I always liked that Pharrell fellow.

Sam: If I have to hear that song from that Minion movie, I’m going to hurl.

Garry (singing): Because I’m happy, clap along if you feel -

Sam: See! This is why I detest Garry.

Leslie: Diane, stop crying. Garry, stop singing. Sam, stop looking like you want to commit a homicide. Frances and Charlotte, you’re golden.

Frances: Thank you, I try.

Leslie: Now let’s get to work!

Two hours later, at the Riviera Inn…

Leslie: That was the most dragged-out shoot we have ever done. What in the lord’s name was going on today?

Sam: Diane looked like she was in the midst of an allergy flareup and that caused me to be off my game.

Leslie: It took an hour to film five minutes of content.

Garry: Because Frances ran off the set.

Frances: I had to pee! Not my fault!

Diane: I’m still simply distraught that we had to send Marlene home. She was so sweet and she only screwed up the judge’s challenge.

Frances: Once again, Diane, someone has to go home. It’s terrible but that’s how it goes.

Diane: It doesn’t have to go that way.

Leslie: Yeah, it really does.

Diane: You only say that because you’re the one who made it that way!

Charlotte: Is it just me, or is something… different in here today?

Leslie: Yeah, the desk. No Melanie.

Frances: She’s probably busy actually working. I know we aren’t used to seeing her work, but that’s probably where she is.

Diane: I’m going to walk over to the desk and wait for her so she knows we’re on for dinner tonight.

Sam: You do that, Diane.

Diane walks over to the desk.

Diane: Oh my god!

Frances: Is it Michael Myers?

Charlotte: Why would Michael Myers be behind the desk?

Frances: Promo for the new Halloween movie?

Diane: Come over here!

Garry: Oh, wow.

Diane: “Oh, wow?” Melanie is dead!

Leslie: Melanie is what?

Melanie: What’s going on?

Diane: Ah! Zombie!

Melanie: Diane, what are you talking about?

Sam: Y’know, that’s something we actually say a surprising amount.

Diane: Melanie! Your head was laying face-down on your desk!

Charlotte: That’s why you thought she was dead?

Melanie: I just fell asleep.

Diane: You? Melanie? Fell asleep?

Melanie: I know I seem pretty perfect, almost to an inhuman level, but I am human. I was up all night working on my kid’s project for school. I got two hours of sleep.

Diane: So you’re okay?

Sam: Are you for real? She’s not a ghost, Diane.

Melanie: Hey! She thought I was a zombie, not a ghost! Get it right!

Diane: You looked so lifeless laying there, it scared me.

Melanie: I’m concerned that I look dead when I sleep, but I’m glad you’re concerned about me, at least.

Leslie: You don’t seem too concerned about it, but when do you get off your shift today? Same time as usual?

Melanie: I’ve got an hour left, so I’ll be ready at six.

Garry: Wow, late night tonight.

Melanie: I traded schedules with one of the other girls for a few days, she had some appointments to take her kids to this week. Figured it was the least I could do. Although, being out of here an hour ago would’ve been great on a. day like today.

Leslie: It’s only and hour, you’ll be out of here before you know it.

Melanie: That’s what I keep telling myself.

Diane: You know, if you’re that tired, you don’t have to go to dinner with us. You can go home and rest.

Sam: You could also say you’re tending to something in our room and then just sleep on the couch. We’d cover for you.

Melanie: I’m a professional, I couldn’t do that. I’ll be coming to dinner, too. Not passing it up just because I’m a bit sleepy. I’ll see you in an hour.

Diane: Okay, but I’m driving you to the restaurant. You did fall asleep at work.

Melanie: You can do that if it makes you feel better.

Sam: Get ready to hear a teenage girl singing about her driver’s license. It’s the only thing we listen to when Diane drives.

Melanie: My brain isn’t not awake enough to process those sentences.

Sam: Diane’s listening to the music of the kids so she can feel young.

Melanie: I like the music of the kids.

Diane: Get a new schtick, Sam. Hating on what’s cool isn’t cool or original.

Sam: You aren’t cool!

One hour later, as the group is walking down the steps…

Frances: So none of you have watched it?

Leslie: I still haven’t caught what the title of it was.

Sam: Mayor of Easton, right? A gripping political drama about the mayor of Easton, Pennsylvania, as played by Cate Blanchett.

Frances: You people are so uncultured sometimes… it’s called Mare of Easttown and it was a huge social media hit. Diane, you’re in touch with what the kids love. Surely you watched it!

Diane: It was on HBO, right?

Frances: Yes!

Diane: I don’t watch HBO. I filmed a comedy special for them once and they aired it on a Saturday at one in the morning after a repeat of Bill Maher. It was humiliating. I’ve never watched something from them since that day.

Sam: That was twelve years ago and she’s still holding that grudge!

Diane: They need me far more than I need them.

Garry: It worries me that I have to tell you this, but we’re in the lobby now.

Sam; Very good, Garry! You’re learnding!

Garry: Where is Melanie? It’s five after six.

Charlotte: Maybe she just stepped outside?

Sam: If only someone were capable of checking…

The lobby’s front door opens and Melanie walks in.

Melanie: Guys…

Leslie: Oh, honey. Why are you crying?

Sam: I think I can think of a reason.

Melanie: Can we talk outside?

Leslie: Of course we can.

The group walks outside.

Leslie: So what is going on?

Melanie: I got fired.

Diane: You what?

Sam: Way to make her feel better.

Melanie: I should’ve just gone up to your room like you suggested, Sam.

Garry: You fell asleep?

Carly: Sounds like Garry every night while I’m in the bathroom getting ready for bed.

Garry: Honey…

Carly: Not the time for jokes, I’m sorry.

Melanie: I appreciate the jokes. Laughing at Garry helps me from feeling so stupid.

Sam: Garry does have that effect on people. Just try to feel dumb standing next to him. Can’t be done!

Melanie: A woman was having problems with her freezer door not staying closed, so she came down to the front desk to ask me for help. I apparently was asleep in my chair, reclining backwards. She called my manager Anthony and told him what happened. He fired me on the spot.

Charlotte: How did she find your manager’s number?

Melanie: That’s the crazy part! This sneak must have walked behind the desk and looked for it. She could’ve just woken me up but instead she decided to make my life a living hell.

Diane: This isn’t right. You made a mistake!

Melanie: The thing is, I understand why I got fired. I fell asleep on the job, people were relying on me to be ready to help them and I wasn’t.

Diane: Don’t you dare blame yourself!

Melanie: Who else can I blame?

Diane: That no-good nosy guest who was more concerned about her fridge working than the wellbeing of a single mother who needs this job to make ends meet! Workers are already exploited enough, they should be able to make a slip-up here and there and not lose everything for it.

Sam: Guys, I think Diane is becoming a socialist.

Charlotte: Vive la révolution!

Diane: Caring about humanity doesn’t make you a socialist.

Melanie: Guys, I’m going to be okay. I’ll find another job.

Leslie: No, you are not. We’re going to get you your job back.

Melanie: I don’t think that’s possible.

Leslie: Why wouldn’t it be?

Melanie: Anthony was extremely mad at me, he’s not gonna just hire me back.

Frances: We could cut his breaks.

Melanie: I really don’t want you guys to go to jail for me.

Leslie: We are not doing that. Right? No, we’re not.

Melanie: I’m flattered you’d even offer.

Sam: Frances offered. I came close enough to jail last week when Garry had us stalk his wife.

Carly: I have a name!

Garry: We did not stalk her! Honey, we didn’t talk you. Don’t listen to her.

Carly: You sorta did but I forgive you. That’s what love’s all about.

Frances: Who can forget that classic Supremes lyric “I remember mama said ‘you can’t hurry love, no you just have to spy.’ She said ‘Love don’t come easy, it’s a game of stalk and take.’” 

Diane: That was beautiful, Frances.

Melanie: Maybe I can get a job as a private eye. We did do pretty great last week!

Carly: Sweetie, I wear contacts and I was a little bit drunk after dance practice and I still spotted your car immediately. Hall and Oates you are not.

Diane: Hall and Oates?

Carly: They have a song called Private Eyes. Come on, Diane. You were around in the 80s, I know you know it.

Sam: Diane only knows sad breakup songs written by teenage girls.

Frances: And CCR!

Garry: You know, I really love the music of OneRepublic.

Charlotte: Are those the guys who sing Yellow?

Frances: No, that’s Maroon 5.

Charlotte: No, they sing Radioactive.

Frances: That’s U2.

Sam: Are you people for real? I don’t know what Radioactive, OneRepublic, Maroon 5 or Yellow are, but leave U2 out of this conversation.

Diane: Radioactive is a song by Imagine Dragons, Maroon 5 sings Moves Like Jagger and Girls Like You and Sugar, and Yellow is by Coldplay. Their lead singer consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow.

Charlotte: I did a movie with her once!

Diane: I don’t know who OneRepublic is.

Garry: I Lived, Counting Stars, Lose Somebody, come on!

Diane: Doesn’t ring a bell.

Melanie: Can we get to dinner? I’m starving and need something to get my mind off of the work situation.

Diane: Oh, yes! Sorry!

Sam: Why do our conversations always turn back to music?

Diane: It’s the universal language, Sam.

Melanie: Let’s talk about this on the car ride. Where are we going to eat?

Leslie: Your choice.

Melanie: I’m in the mood for some seafood. How about Captain Chuck’s?

Leslie: I don’t think we’ve ever been there.

Frances: I’ve seen it. It looks scary.

Melanie: It’s a little old and run down but they have the best lobster rolls in town! Let’s give it a shot!

Frances: If you insist, I’ll go. If I get tetanus, you are responsible for the bill.

Diane: Frances, she just lost her job and you are the str of TV’s #1 show! You can pay for it! Especially since it’d be your fault since you should be up-to-date on your shots!

Melanie: I’d pay for it.

Diane: No, you will not!

Charlotte: Why are we so hung up on a hypothetical?

Sam: That’s what we do, Charlotte. It’s our thing.

The next day, at the Oceanside Diner…

Paul: I’m so honored that you invited me to your group breakfast! Does this mean I’m finally in the cool kids group?

Sam: God, no. For starters, you just called it the “cool kids” group. No one cool would ever say that.

Leslie: Paul, I wanted to ask you something. This was the only time I had free today, so I figured you wouldn’t mind chit-chatting over breakfast.

Paul: I’m glad you thought of me at all. I barely even interact with other human beings on the days you guys don’t film.

Leslie: That’s so depressing.

Paul: I know.

Leslie: So, Paul. You control our room reservations.

Paul: Is there something wrong? Are they trying to get you to check out? I swear, I reserved them through early October!

Frances: No, but we’re ready to check out!

Paul: Huh?

Leslie: What Frances is trying to say is that we are mad at the hotel.

Paul: What did the hotel do? Aside from that one time they let some guy stalk Sam, I think they’ve been pretty good to us. Didn’t you even make friends with one of the employees.

Leslie: That’s our problem.

Paul: Did she break your friendship off? I know it sucks, but I’m not putting a young woman out of work because she doesn't want to be besties with you guys.

Leslie: No, she’s delightful! The problem is with what the hotel did to her.

Diane: They fired her for making one tiny mistake on the job. It’s pitiful!

Leslie: We need you to fix it.

Paul: What do you think I can do about it?

Leslie: You pay for what, fifteen hotel rooms for about six months out of the year. MBC is the biggest source of income for the Riviera Inn. Threaten to no longer come back if they don’t hire her back. You have the power to right a great wrong, Paul.

Paul: I don’t like blackmail.

Leslie: Don’t think of it as blackmail. Think of it as -

Charlotte: Charity!

Leslie: Yeah, charity.

Paul: You didn’t let me finish! Melanie seems like a nice girl, though. I’ll see what I can do.

Leslie: Paul, I don’t speak for the whole group, but I think you just made great strides towards joining the group! Well, really I just don’t speak for Sam since she’s back at the room with a migraine, the rest aren’t complete divas like her.

Frances: Uh, Garry is quite the diva!

Paul: That’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear.

Three hours later, Leslie gets a call from Paul…

Leslie: Paul, what’s up? We’re driving around town on a guided tour right now.

Paul: I don’t mean to intrude on your day.

Garry: Frances, turn the CD off. We’re falling behind!

Frances: Okay, fine…

Paul: Leslie, I just wanted to tell you something.

Leslie: Spit it out, Paul.

Paul: I talked to the manager of the Riviera. Melanie is getting her job back. They’re not telling her, I told them to let you tell her.

Leslie: Oh, that’s great!

Charlotte: What’s going on, Leslie?

Leslie: Paul got Melanie’s job back. We’re gonna be the ones to tell her.

Diane: That’s incredible!

Garry: So, is the tour of Newport off?

Leslie: Just delayed a few hours. Don’t take the CD out, I don’t want to lose our place.

Garry: We’re only five minutes into the tour.

Frances: Just listen to her, Garry. Geez.

Thirty minutes later, at Melanie’s house…

Charlotte: Is this the first time we’ve ever gone to Melanie’s house?

Frances: No, but we only knew the address because Diane had it in her phone. We’d be out of luck otherwise.

Garry: We should go knock on the door before someone thinks we’re a bunch of creeps.

Frances: That’s exactly what we are.

Melanie: What are you guys doing out here?

Charlotte: Melanie! We didn’t see you out here!

Melanie: My grandma told me there was a can full of strange people outside and I went out here to check and see what was up. I’m really glad it was you guys and not someone actual creep. I could’ve been killed, but grandma didn’t seem to care about that.

Charlotte: We bring wonderful news!

Melanie: Wait, where’s Sam?

Frances: We couldn’t bring her to give good news! She’s a black cloud.

Melanie: I like Sam, she’s funny.

Diane: Don’t tell her that, it’ll inflate her head even more.

Melanie: So what is this news that brought you guys here? We were already going to dinner tonight so it must be huge to bring you here now. Is Paul returning to LA early? I know how exciting that would be for you guys.

Leslie: It does relate to Paul in a way.

Melanie: Wow, I’m good!

Garry: Paul g-

Leslie: Garry, don’t you dare.

Melanie: He’s clearly excited, let him say it.

Leslie: Fine… go ahead, Garry.

Garry: Leslie spoke to Paul this morning and told him to get in contact with your boss. He threatened to stop doing business with the hotel and he got your job back.

Melanie: You did what?

Frances: Is she excited or is she upset? I can’t tell.

Charlotte: I think she’s crying, so… upset?

Melanie: I’m so emotional.

Charlotte: But in a good way, or…?

Melanie: I’ve never had friends that went out of their way to help me like this. It means so much.

Frances: She’s not upset!

Melanie: It’s not like working at the Riviera is my dream job, but it’s a good job and it pays the bills and you guys did what you could to get it back. I’m not going to forget this.

Leslie: You owe us nothing. Friends help friends.

Melanie: I’ve never helped you guys like this.

Garry: You helped me stalk my wife last week, no questions asked.

Melanie: That’s what friends are for!

Charlotte: You helped me get a room for my parents when they surprised me here.

Melanie: Just my job.

Diane: You helped us get rid of Sam’s stalker!

Melanie: Any normal person would, really.

Diane: We’re there for you because you’re there for us.

Melanie: You guys are so sweet.

Frances: No, we really are not.

Melanie: So, do I have to go in to work tonight? What’s the situation there?

Leslie: I think you should call your manager.

Melanie: I’m gonna go do that. Thank you again for doing this. You’re life savers.

Leslie: Just remember something, Melanie.

Melanie: What’s that?

Leslie: Sam is responsible for none of this.

 What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode in two weeks!

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