Frances in the Kitchen Season 2 Episode 7 - Fangirl in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 2, Episode 7
Fangirl in the Kitchen

Frances walks into the living room.

Louise: Wow, Frannie. You’re decked out like a Christmas tree!

Frances: Ginnie Tompkins is having her sixtieth birthday party tonight and invited the entire network.

Jimmy: Since when do you go to parties?

Frances: It’s gonna be the talk of the town, I can’t miss it.

Louise: A birthday party for an old lady who cooks on TV, attended by other people who cook on TV, will be the talk of the town?

Frances: Sixty isn’t that old.

Louise: I say this as a sixty-year old -

Lauren: Only sixty?

Louise: Shush.

Lauren: I’m just keeping everyone honest.

Louise: It’s not young, Fran.

Frances: Why is everyone suddenly finding it difficult to call me by my actual name? It’s Frances, not “Fran,” not “Frannie,” Frances!

Louise: Lighten up, Frances.

Greg: You ready to go, honey?

Louise: No, not quite.

Greg: You know who I meant.

Louise: Me, duh!

Frances: Yes, I’m ready. It’ll be fun to spend a Saturday on the town.

Jimmy: There’s only one thing that Saturday is alright for: 

Lauren: Watching movies under a blanket and falling asleep halfway through it?

Jimmy: No, fighting!

Lauren: When do you fight anyone?

Louise: He used to be quite the fighter, Lauren. Anyone who disrespected his lady got socked in the face!

Jimmy: Remember, sweetie. We had you late in life, gave us more time for wild adventures.

Frances: You two were never wild.

Louise: Just because it’s too long ago for you to remember doesn’t mean we weren’t!

Frances: Whatever you insist.

Louise: I insist only on the truth.

Greg: We need to get going, we’re going to be late and Marcia will get mad at me.

Frances: Okay, we’re going! I’d prefer if you three go to your own house which is fifty feet away. If you can’t do that, just, don’t burn the house down.

Louise: Will do!

Frances: Will… follow my instructions or will burn the house down?

Louise: What do you think?

Frances: I genuinely do not know.

One hour later, at the party…

Marcia: Thank god you two finally got here. I was starting to think you were dead.

Greg: Why would you even think that? We’re in LA, there’s traffic.

Marcia: First of all, we’re in Ojai.

Greg: We are? Why the hell are we in Ojai?

Marcia: This is where Ginnie lives. Wow, it’s like you don’t even watch her show. She talks about it all the damn time.

Greg: I don’t watch her show. I don’t spend my whole day watching TBC, just Frances!

Marcia: Ain’t that sweet?

Frances: Where are Beverly and Jane? Or Ginnie, for that matter?

Marcia: Beverly isn’t feeling well and went to grab her purse for some Pepto Bismol, Jane is… well, she’s Jane, and Ginnie is still waiting to make her grand entrance until everyone is here.

Frances: Can’t say any of that surprises me too much.

Charlie: Frances! I wasn’t expecting to see you here!

Frances: Charlie! Were you really not expecting me to come to the party of the year?

Charlie: You’ve never come to any of my parties!

Frances: Well, turn sixty and I’ll be there!

Charlie: I turned sixty two years ago, Frances! You were invited!

Frances: You don’t look a day over fifty!

Charlie: Fifty? Honey, I’m forty-five, tops!

Frances: You’re right, and you should say it.

Charlie: Ah, we sure do have fun, don’t we?

Frances: We really do! Speaking of which, I have to thank you for the handling of the DeAnna situation.

Charlie: Must we discuss that while we’re supposed to be celebrating?

Frances: I haven’t seen you in a few weeks, I need you to know how grateful I am that you threw down the hammer. She’s still been terrible, but not quite as terrible. That’s because of you, buddy.

Charlie: Anything to help my star! Speaking of which, congrats on the Time magazine cover!

Frances: Oh, we don’t need to talk about that tonight.

Charlie: You’re so humble!

DeAnna: Frances? Humble?

Frances: Oh lord.

Charlie: DeAnna, you play nice with Frances. I’m gonna go get some more of that punch.

Marcia: I hope you’re not driving, that is absolutely spiked with booze. I learned the hard way.

Charlie: I’m rich, Marcy. I’m not driving.

Marcia: It’s Marcia, by the way.

DeAnna: Are you just gonna ignore me, Frances?

Frances: That was the plan.

DeAnna: So cordial of you. We’re at a party, for goodness sake. Can’t you put aside petty squabbles for Ginnie’s sake?

Frances: Ginnie isn’t even in the ballroom, nor does she even care that we are here.

DeAnna: Whatever. I’m going to remove myself from this situation before it ruins her day.

Frances: You are the one that put yourself in this position to start with.

Beverly: Guys…

Frances: Wow, she is here!

Beverly: Not for long.

Marcia: Oh no, what’s wrong?

Greg: You look so pale. Are you all right?

Beverly: Greg, does anything about me suggest that I’m okay?

Greg: It was a dumb question, I agree.

Beverly: My stomach is only feeling worse. I need to go. Give Ginnie my regards.

Frances: She probably doesn’t even know who you are so that’d just confuse her. I will, though. I’m a good friend.

Beverly: Where is my husband? I need him to drive me home.

Marcia: So if you were able to drive home, you’d be okay with leaving him here?

Beverly: Yeah. He’d probably have more fun here. Place is so bid, Ginnie would never know.

Earl: Come on, honey. Let’s go.

Beverly: Where did you come from?

Earl: I was grabbing the coats. I knew this was coming.

Beverly: Aww, you’re such a good husband.

Earl: Thank you, sweetie. You really do need to hear that every once in a while, you know?

Beverly: Bye, guys. Have fun! Be responsible! Make good choices! Remember, you need to be at work on Sunday.

Marcia: Then we’ll try not to get arrested. No promises.

Ten minutes later…

Jane: Hey, where’s Beverly?

Frances: Where’s Beverly? How about where were you?

Jane: I went to the bathroom and got lost on the way.

Marcia: Jane… oh Jane.

Jane: What?

Marcia: That was the most Jane thing I have ever heard.

Frances: Not to distract from Jane’s Jane-ness, but is that man over there who I think he is?

Greg: Beloved rock superstar Peter Bilson?

Frances: Yes, exactly.

Greg: It’s either him or another guy who always dresses in plaid and jeans no matter where he is.

Jane: Are you talking about that guy over there?

Frances: The one I’m pointing at? Yeah.

Jane: I ran into him on my way to the bathroom! He was nice.

Frances: Jane talked to one of the most famous singers in history and didn’t even know it!

Marcia: That is so Jane.

Jane: He’s famous? The way he’s dressed, I thought he was one of the workers here.

Marcia: Jane…

Jane: Is that the only word you know?

Marcia: If it were, my vocabulary would still be more extensive than yours.

Frances: Peter Bilson’s Blessed America album was the first album I ever owned. I played it so much on my old record player that I wore both the album and the player out.

Jane: What’s a record player?

Marcia: Jane…

Jane: Say something else!

Marcia: You just constantly leave me speechless!

Frances: I think I’m gonna go talk to him.

Greg: Honey, I support this fully but please, don’t pass out like you did when you met Lindsey Buckingham.

Jane: Who’s she?

Frances: I’m a celebrity now, I don’t get starstruck anymore.

Greg: If you insist.

Frances through the crowd to where Peter Bilson is standing.

Frances: I’m sorry, sir, I just have to ask. Are you -

Peter: No, I’m not George Clooney. I’m asked that a lot.

Frances: Are you Peter Bilson?

Peter: Now him I am.

Frances: It’s an honor to meet you. Somehow my assistant Jane met you before me and I was so jealous I had to come over to chat with you.

Peter: Was Jane the blonde girl who looks like she’s dressed for prom?

Frances: Yeah, that’s her. I think she might actually think this is prom.

Peter: She asked me to bring out more kebabs. She thought I worked for Ginnie!

Frances: She did mention that. Speaking of mentioning, I completely forgot to tell you my own name, I’m so rude!

Peter: No, you’re Frances. You like to be in the kitchen.

Frances: Oh my god, Peter Bilson knows who I am.

Peter: The wife and I love your show. We love baking and cooking shows. Why do you think I’m here?

Frances: I assumed you knew Ginnie but then again, most people that truly know her wouldn’t come within ten miles of this place.

Peter: She’s a dear friend of mine.

Frances: She is an angel sent from heaven.

Peter: I saw her show one night and she was talking about a charity function she was doing and I got in contact with her team and asked if I could play at it. They agreed and we became fast friends when we met.

Frances: Well in that case, I’m having a charity ball and would love for you to play at it.

Peter: Are you really?

Frances: No, I am not. I do let my brother and sister-in-law live at my house rent-free though, so in a way I do operate a charity of my own.

Peter: You know, you may not be having a charity function but I know you like to have guests on your show. If you want, I’ll stop by.

Frances: Oh my god.

Peter: No?

Frances: That would be incredible.

Peter: I’m a huge fun of yours, my wife Pam is, too.

Frances: You can bring Pam, too. I love Pam, brilliant guitarist.

Peter: She’s a bassist.

Frances: Exactly.

Peter: I think we’re gonna have a lot of fun collaborating.

Frances: Just so you know, I don’t sing. So, don’t expect me to return the favor by appearing on your next album.

Peter: I’ve heard you sing on your show. Don’t worry, I wasn’t planning to ask for a duet.

Frances: Ouch!

Peter: If you want to, I would let you do a little number with me. We’ll just call it “experimental.”

Frances: No thanks, sweet of you to ask, though. Here’s my number and the network’s number, we’ll do a conference call or something to set up the appearance.

Peter: That would be great, I can’t wait!

Frances: I should get back to my friend and husband, they’re never gonna believe this.

Peter: Have fun tonight! See ya soon!

Frances: See you soon, Peter Bilson.

Frances walks back over to Greg, Marcia and Jane.

Frances: You guys are never going to believe what just happened.

Marcia: You talked to Peter Bilson just like you said you would.

Frances: Well, yeah. That’s not all, though.

Marcia: He called security and threatened a restraining order?

Greg: Did you pass out?

Frances: You guys could clearly see that that neither of those things happened.

Jane: Are you going to tell us what happened or not?

Marcia: Good for you, Jane! You tell her!

Frances: Peter Bilson is a big fan of my show and he wants to appear on it. I gave him my number and said to contact me when he wants to do the show.

Marcia: Really? He doesn’t give off the vibes of someone who spends his day watching a food-based TV network.

Frances: I think his wife got him into it. Either way, he’s a fan now and that’s what matters.

Greg: You’re getting all these big stars, I told you you were a big deal!

Frances: A Time Magazine cover star!

Marcia: I knew that was gonna go to France’s head.

Frances: Must we go over this again?

Marcia: Yes. Yes we must.

Three days later, in the parking lot…

DeAnna: You’re here mighty early today.

Frances: How am I so unlucky that you always seem to be in the parking lot when I’m here?

DeAnna: It’s not like I enjoy it.

Frances: I think you do. You like to cause me pain.

DeAnna: Having to see you causes me pain, too. I get no pleasure from seeing you.

Frances: I’m lovely.

DeAnna: You never did say why you’re here so early.

Frances: I have a very special guest visiting today. I think you may be familiar…

DeAnna: Your sister-in-law is not a very special guest.

Frances: Why would Louise be my guest? That doesn’t even make any sense.

DeAnna: Well, random acquaintances of yours seem to be the highest caliber guests you’re capable of getting on this show.

Frances: I had the host of a hit reality show on with me just a few weeks ago.

DeAnna: And I’m going to be on his hit reality show. I win.

Frances: That’s irrelevant to my point. I get fun guests all the time!

DeAnna: Then who is this huge guest?

Frances: I’m not gonna tell you. I like having something to hold over you.

DeAnna: I don’t care enough to wait and find out. I’m getting to work.

Frances: It’s Peter Bilson.

DeAnna: How the hell did you get him to do your crap show? He’s actually famous!

Frances: Well ya see, DeAnna… while you were off kissing Ginnie’s ass, I was off -

DeAnna: Kissing Peter’s?

Frances: He’s the one that asked to do the show.

DeAnna: I don’t believe that. What would he have to gain from being on your sad show for sad moms?

Frances: He and his wife happen to be big fans of my sad show for sad moms. He didn’t mention you, though.

DeAnna: Obviously he watches my show, I’m extremely popular among with women and men. It’s because I’m so charming.

Frances: To quote the Christmas song based on a Dr. Seuss book: you’re as cuddly as a cactus and as charming as an eel.

DeAnna: I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, but I’m not putting up with it. Have fun using celebrities to reel in an audience. I have a loyal audience without the flashy guests, because I’m that good.

Frances: Seethe, DeAnna. Seethe.

DeAnna: For your sake, I’m gonna let you think I’m actually mad. I’m not, though.

Frances: Sure you aren’t.

Frances walks into the studio

Beverly: Wow, you’re early today!

Marcia: I bet she’s excited for our big guest!

Beverly: Big guest?

Marcia: You didn’t tell Bev?

Beverly: Tell Bev what?

Marcia: You’re about to have your mind blown.

Beverly: What is going on? Is the President here?

Marcia: Are you serious?

Beverly: That would certainly be mind-blowing!

Marcia: Just tell her, Frances.

Peter: Am I late?

Beverly: You’re… uh… you’re…

Beverly falls over.

Marcia: This is why we should’ve told her in advance.

Peter: Oh my god, is she okay?

Marcia: I don’t think she hit her head so she’s probably good.

Peter: Probably?

Marcia: I don’t know man, I’m not a doctor.

Peter: I like her, she speaks her mind.

Marcia: Damn right I do.

Beverly: I’m here.

Frances: That was the quickest I have ever seen someone recover from fainting.

Beverly: Why did I faint?

Frances: You saw Peter Bilson.

Beverly: I what?

Peter: Hey there!

Beverly: Oh my god, that wasn’t a dream! Or is this all a dream?

Peter: It’s real!

Beverly: How is this happening?

Frances: You’re welcome.

Beverly: Mr. Bilson -

Peter: Peter! It’s Peter!

Beverly: I don’t think I’ve earned the right to be on a first-name basis with you.

Peter: I’m just a guy from New Jersey who sings for a living, I’m not the King of England.

Beverly: You are my favorite singer, I’ve been to dozens of your shows.

Peter: Well I’m sorry about that, no one should ever spend that much time listening to me.

Beverly: Some of the best moments of my life were at your concerts.

Marcia: Beverly, I know you’re sorta having a moment here but do you think we could get to work here? Let’s take advantage of all the time we have without Jane on the set to screw things up.

Frances: She doesn’t screw that much up! She’s a valued employee.

Marcia: When was the last time she got to work on time?

Frances: When was the last time I got to work on time?

Marcia: Good point, today was indeed a rarity.

Frances: Peter, can I ask you something before we get to work?

Peter: Sure, what’s up?

Frances: I thought your wife was coming along. Where is she?

Peter: She was so looking forward to coming along but she’s feeling under the weather, I think it’s a stomach bug. I had something similar on Sunday, I think something’s going around. She said to tell you that she’s very sorry.

Frances: That’s okay, I’m making a very rich chocolate cake today so I certainly don’t want her upsetting her stomach even more to eat it. Now, let’s get to work!

Peter: I’m glad you’re not mad, maybe that’ll make her feel better. I know she’s so disappointed she couldn’t come.

Beverly: She has an open invitation to stop by, any time.

Peter: I appreciate that.

Beverly: He appreciates me!

Marcia: I don’t think he said that…

Frances: Filming time, let’s go!

Peter: I’m ready to get to work! You want me to mix?

Frances: Let me explain what we’re making first. Our viewers will be so confused if I’m just randomly standing in the kitchen while Peter Bilson mixes some cake.

Marcia: Yeah, our audience of patients in the doctor’s office waiting room require everything to be explained in detail!

Frances: We air at six o’clock, Marcia, who is at the doctor at six o’clock?

Marcia: Don’t try to ruin my jokes!

Peter: Is it like this every day?

Beverly: I can’t believe you’re talking to me right now!

Peter: Uh-huh.

Fifteen minutes later…

Jane: You guys are filming already? Wow!

Beverly: Cut!

Jack (cameraman): Cut? You never said to start filming!

Beverly: I what?

Frances: Yeah, she what?

Jack: You never told me to start filming like you always do. I didn’t know that you wanted me to film.

Beverly: Well, it’s been fifteen minutes. Frances was almost ready to put the cake in the oven and start making something else.

Frances: Beverly is too busy living out her fantasy as a rock groupie to produce the show.

Beverly: It’s not a huge mistake, we can re-start.

Marcia: Hear that, Peter? Un-mix that batter, un-crack those eggs, we’re starting over!

Frances: We’ll just set this batter aside and start fresh. As long as we have enough ingredients in the kitchen, that is.

Beverly: We’re a baking show, every show on this lot is a baking show. Of course we have the ingredients!

Frances: Then let’s get back to work. Now we’re even further behind!

Jane: Does no one care that I brought tea?

Frances: Well, you only brought it for me and I’m not thirsty so just set it somewhere and I’ll get it later.

Jane: I don’t get tea before I work and I get yelled at, I get it and you don’t want it. I can’t win!

Frances: I’ll drink the tea, okay!

Beverly: Ten minute break, everybody!

Peter: So, what are you guys watching on TV?

Beverly: Peter Bilson just asked what I’m watching!

Jane: Who?

Peter: Hi, I believe we’ve met before. I’m Peter Bilson.

Beverly: You don’t have to introduce yourself to her.

Jane: I remember you!

Beverly: You better!

Marcia: Beverly, you do know you don’t have to jump to defend Peter every second of the day. I think he understands you’re a fan.

Peter: I do, and I so appreciate it.

Marcia: See, now he really did say he appreciates you!

Beverly: He did!

Frances: Wow, today has been… so annoying. Not your fault, Peter. I’m actually so sorry she’s acting like this, she’s like a teenage girl.

Peter: It doesn’t bug me, I’m used to this.

Frances: It’s day like these that truly teach me, a humble television baker -

Marcia: Humble?

Frances: - what the true cost of fame is. It’s too much for me, I couldn’t live like this.

Peter: Like I said, you get used to it.

Frances: Well, I think I drank enough of this tea to make Jane happy. Let’s finally get back to filming!

Peter: I may finally get how to mix the ingredients right. Maybe having to re-start filming will work out in my favor.

Marcia: At least it’s working in someone’s favor.

Beverly: And it’s the one who is most important! Everything’s going great!

Frances: You keep telling yourself that…

Five hours later…

Beverly: Peter, I just want to apologize for how long filming took us today. It usually only takes us about two hours to film one episode, I don’t know what was go on today?

Frances: I do! You were distracted!

Peter: It’s no problem! It was fun. The chaos made it even more fun.

Beverly: I’m so glad your enjoyed yourself.

Marcia: The fire extinguisher had a pretty fun day, too. He got to make two appearances!

Frances: I can’t believe my cake and my chicken pot pie both burned because someone forgot to take it out of the oven.

Beverly: It was an honest mistake!

Frances: Was the time where you started humming along to one of Peter’s songs and thus making us re-do the take also a mistake.

Beverly: Well, yeah. My head wasn’t so clear today but at the end of the day, we got everything done.

Marcia: Yeah, Don is probably filing a missing person’s report on me right now, but we did get done.

Beverly: Marcia, it is three o’clock in the afternoon.

Marcia: Don gets worried very easily.

peter: I’m going to head out, you guys. I wanna do this again sometime even though I’m super busy. I will be in contact.

Frances: I have your number and you have mine, just give me a ring when you want to hop back into the kitchen.

Peter: Will do! Thanks for the fun day, guys. Maybe next time we won’t suffer from any smoke inhalation!

Marcia: I think that’s a good goal.

Peter leaves.

Frances: That’s it, Bev. We’re never having someone on as a guest that you love ever again.

Beverly: Why not? He had a great time!

Marcia: You almost killed us!

Beverly: It wasn’t that bad.

Marcia: I think you killed Jane’s one remaining brain cell.

Frances: I know you don’t read, Beverly. I think I’ll try to get a good author to stop by next week. Perhaps Joan Didion?

Beverly: I love Joan Didion!

Frances: Doris Kearns Goodwin it is.

What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll and make sure to return on Thursday for another new episode!

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