Frances in the Kitchen Season 2 Episode 6 - Ballroom Celebrities in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 2, Episode 6
Ballroom Celebrities in the Kitchen

Frances is at home having dinner with the family.

Greg: Frances, it’s so nice to have you home in time for dinner.

Frances: I’m always home for dinner, what are you talking about?

Greg: I mean that it’s nice to have you here to eat dinner at dinner time. You’ve been getting home earlier recently and I love that. Having to wait to see you until six was terrible.

Frances: I haven’t really been that much earlier.

Louise: “The chicken’s lovely, Louise.” “Thank you, Frances, you’re too kind.”

Frances: The chicken’s lovely, Louise!

Louise: That doesn’t count.

Jimmy: We only just started eating, honey. I haven’t even tried the chicken yet.

Louise: What have you been doing for five minutes? Playing with your mashed potatoes?

Jimmy: I’ve just been setting up my plate.

Louise: Are you saying I didn’t plate the food properly? I didn’t realize I was dining with Gordo Ramsay!

Frances: Gordon.

Louise: What?

Frances: His name’s Gordon Ramsay and he’s a dear friend of mine.

Lauren: Mom, you realize what you just said, right?

Louise: What?

Lauren: You just jokingly say you didn’t realize you were dining with a celebrity chef while sitting across the table from a celebrity chef.

Frances: I’m a baker but yes, it was quite comical.

Louise: Am I just a joke to you guys?

Greg: Jimmy, did Louise wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?

Jimmy: I don’t think there is a right side.

Louise: The disrespect that I am shown is ri-

Frances’ phone rings.

Lauren: Oh, thank god! She was about to flip the table like a Real Housewife of New Jersey. That phone is gonna save us so much cleanup time.

Louise: I am from Jersey and don’t you ever forget it!

Frances: I’m answering now, try not to be too loud.

Jimmy: We will fail at that.

Frances: I know.

Frances answers her phone.

Jane: Frances!

Frances: Jane, did you forget your keys again?

Jane: No, I didn’t do anything stupid this time.

Frances: Wow, good for you!

Jane: I’m calling about -

Frances: Another magazine cover shoot? I am something of a model now after that Time cover. Maybe Rolling Stone will actually spell my name right!

Jane: Not another magazine.

Frances: Barbara Walters! She’s calling to get me for her Ten Most Fascinating People of 2011 special!

Jane: Who’s Barbara Walters?

Frances: Kids these days…

Jane: A producer of a really famous show called to ask if you’d be interested in appearing on it.

Frances: American Idol? I heard Paula was leaving, I’d be glad to step up and fill in for her.

Lauren: Paula left two seasons ago, Aunt Frances.

Greg: Yeah, they got Ellen on there now.

Lauren: No, that was last year! Now it’s JLo and Steven Tyler on with Randy.

Jimmy: Jello?

Frances: Can you guys shush up?

Jimmy: Sorry, Frannie.

Jane: Not American Idol.

Frances: The Celebrity Apprentice?

Jane: The what?

Frances: Just name the show. Okay?

Jane: Ballroom Celebrities wants you to be on it!

Frances: Well, I don’t have any dance experience and I can’t see myself as a reality TV judge, but I could go talk with them.

Jane: Not as a judge! They want you to compete!

Frances: What?!?

Louise: Did you just get fired? My work is hiring, I’ll put in a good word for ya.

Frances: I did not get fired!

Louise: Oh, shame.

Jane: They said you’re just what they’re looking for to help round out the cast!

Frances: I was just on Time magazine! Why would I go on a show for washed-up celebrities whose careers have stalled?

Jane: I thought you’d say that.

Frances: See, you’re not a complete airhead.

Jane: A complete what?

Frances: Never mind.

Jane: So what are you going to do?

Frances: I’m obviously not doing the show.

Greg: What show?

Frances: It doesn’t matter honey. I’m not even considering it.

Greg: I just want to hear what show it is.

Frances: The show where old celebrities you haven’t heard about in twenty years dance.

Greg: I love Ballroom Celebrities! You know that!

Frances: Did I?

Louise: Did you?

Greg: At least think about doing it! You’d be so good!

Frances: Would I?

Louise: Would she?

Lauren: Mom, stop.

Jane: The host of the show said he wanted to meet with you before you made any decision.

Frances: Who’s that?

Jane: His name is like Barry or something. I don’t remember.

Frances: You were sounding far too intelligent today so it’s good to see some classic Jane shine through!

Jane: Thank you!

Frances: I don’t have any intention to actually do the show, but tell “Barry” I’ll meet with him. It can’t hurt. Maybe I can even con him into doing a guest spot on the show.

Jane: I’ll tell him! Should I ask him about doing the show, too?

Frances: Why not?

Jane: Talk to you tomorrow, then.

Frances: Jane, we work tomorrow.

Jane: Oh, right. See you then.

Frances hangs up.

Jimmy: So who is Frances meeting with?

Lauren: And what’s this about Ballroom Celebrities?

Frances: It’s nothing.

Lauren: Uh huh.

Frances: It’s nothing! I’m not doing the show. I’m too busy and I’m too big of a star.

Louise: You host a show on a network whose #1 audience base is people in doctor’s office waiting rooms.

Jimmy: Ouch!

Frances: Do you think they just let anyone on Time magazine?

Louise: I’m not calling you a nobody! I’m saying you should stay humble. Someday a stint on Ballroom Celebrities might sound pretty damn good.

Greg: It sounds good to me right now! I won’t pressure you, but I love that show. It would be so much fun to see you on it!

Frances: Greg, I’m not even considering it. I’m only meeting with Barry to be kind.

Greg: His name is Garry.

Frances: Sure it is.

The next day, at the studio…

Beverly: Look who decided to show up today!

Frances: Traffic was so bad today, I’m sorry.

Beverly: It’s only fifteen minutes, it’s not too bad.

Marcia: You got here after Jane, though. That’s a bit embarrassing.

Jane: I wasn’t that late today!

Marcia: Only five minutes. So proud of you!

Jane: Frances, I talked to the producers of Ballroom Celebrities and they talked to the host. He’ll be coming here to talk with you at lunchtime. And by the way, his name is Garry.

Frances: Dammit, I mocked Greg for getting his name wrong and he ended up being right.

Beverly: What’s this about Ballroom Celebrities? Are you gonna be on it?

Marcia: Hopefully she does better than the last celebrity chef to be on it. 

Beverly: Curtis Stone didn’t do that badly!

Marcia: Eleventh place. Out of thirteen.

Frances: There’s no use discussing it, I’m not going to do it. I just want to get Garry, as I now know him to be named, on this show.

Beverly: I think you should do it!

Frances: Why would I want to humiliate myself like that? Firstly, it would be admitting that I’m a no-name washed-up has-been -

Marcia: Are you calling the lady from Saved By the Bell a has-been? And the lady from Who’s the Boss? And the lady from Taxi? And the guy from Cheers?

Frances: Considering you don’t even know them by name, uh, yeah.

Beverly: It’s not humiliating to go on a wildly popular TV show, Frances. Think of the publicity it could get for our show if you did well!

Frances: I wouldn’t! I can’t dance!

Marcia: Well, okay Phil Collins.

Frances: I can’t! I’ve never even tried and I don’t think it makes any sense to go on TV just to look like a fool.

Marcia: So that’s what this is really about. Frances doesn’t want to look dumb on TV. Well, you already do it every day so I don’t see the problem.

Frances: It’s not just that! I’m so busy!

Beverly: I can adjust the schedule if you need.

Frances: Why do you guys want me to do this so badly?

Jane: It would be fun!

Frances: Oh god, now you’re joining the choir.

Marcia: I don’t really care either way, I just like harassing you.

Frances: I know.

Beverly: I know you don’t want to hear it from me, but I think this would be such a great promotional opportunity for us. Ten million viewers a week getting to see our show promoted! That’s huge!

Jane: Twenty million.

Beverly: Twenty million! Frances!

Frances: I was just on Time magazine, Beverly. I don’t need the promo.

Beverly: You really let that go to your head, didn’t you?

Marcia: Are we surprised?

Beverly: Not even a little.

Frances: I understand your point, I do. It’s just, I’m not interested. I don’t like the implication that comes with me doing this show, and I don’t want to look stupid, and I don’t have the time to do it, anyway.

Beverly: It’s your life, you get to make that choice.

Marcia: I was really hoping this argument would last longer, it could’ve been so funny.

Beverly: We have far too much work to do to spend the day arguing about some dumb dance show.

Frances: Exactly, Marcia. Thankfully someone in this place understands that we come here to work and not screw off. I mean, we have two shows to film today!

Marcia: Ah, yes. I forgot that Frances recently read the 4-Hour Workweek and decided that she no longer wants to work on Fridays.

Frances: We work far more than four hours a week! We spend at least that much time in a week just waiting for Jane to get here!

Jane: I’m not that late! Am I?

Beverly: Oh, honey.

Three hours later…

Jane: Frances, it’s lunch time.

Frances: Wow, Jane. Thank you for reminding me of that, I totally didn’t know that already! Nothing happening here on the set to indicate that, not at all!

Marcia: She’s so mean to you, why do you put up with it?

Jane: Because she puts up with me being maybe four hours late a week.

Marcia: Good lord.

Jane: I was just trying to remind you that Garry is coming here to meet with you. He should be here any time now.

Beverly: Someone pulled up about five minutes ago, I don’t know who, though.

I heard the car.

Marcia: How did you hear that?

Beverly: Bionic ears.

Frances: Oh, I forgot about him. Thanks, Jane!

Jane: See, I’m not so useless!

Marcia: Of course not! If she didn’t have you, she might have to actually get her own tea and we couldn't have that. That’d be freakin’ World War III.

Frances walks out into the parking lot.

DeAnna: Frances, how are you?

Frances: DeAnna…

DeAnna: I’m just making small talk with my new friend Garry!

Frances: Garry, I’m so sorry to keep you waiting. I’m Frances Conner, lovely to meet you.

Garry: It’s no trouble at all. I’m just early, you’re not late.

Frances: So, where do you want to go for lunch?

DeAnna: We were in the middle of a conversation! Don’t be so rude!

Frances: I’m not trying to be rude, I just have a limited amount of time for lunch. I don’t want our meeting to be any more rushed than it already is. I know your show doesn’t really have rules, but mine does.

DeAnna: I make my own rules, no one ever tells me how long my breaks are on my own damn show.

Frances: I need rules. I’m not a lawless outlaw from the wild, wild west.

DeAnna: I don’t need rules. I’m not a kindergartner.

Garry: I think we should getting to our lunch. DeAnna, I’ll try to swing by when we’re done to finish up our chat if that doesn’t interfere with your plans.

DeAnna: Oh, it’s no bother. You could just take my number, though. That way we can have a nice conversation about a collaboration.

Garry: That’d be fine.

DeAnna: Here’s my number! Call me maybe.

Frances: Puke.

Ten minutes later, at the local café…

Garry: I’m so glad you agreed to meet with me. I’m a big fan of your show and I was so excited when the producers said they were going to try to get you for the show.

Frances: My husband’s a big fan of your show.

Garry: Your husband? What about you?

Frances: Not a regular viewer, I’m afraid. I don’t really have time for watching so many shows, I’m always so busy.

Garry: I hope you’ll at least watch yourself on it.

Frances: Well, that’s the thing. I don’t think I’m going to be on the show. I wish you guys so much success but -

Garry: Wow, you’re really getting to business.

Frances: Well, they haven’t brought me my croissantwich yet so I need to do something to pas the time! Might as well get to the point of the meeting.

Garry: Why don’t you want to do the show?

Frances: It’s not really about want, you know? I don’t have the time. My show takes up so much of my day, then I have to worry about my family, and my publisher’s on my back to get a new cookbook out this fall. I have too much going on. Also I can’t dance to save my life.

Garry: I think everyone can dance if they try. I’m no dancer but the pros have taught me some moves. They could teach you how to move across that ballroom floor if you really wanted to. I’m not going to push it, though. No means no, I’m fine with that.

Frances: Thank you for being understanding. If only my friends and family could be the same way.

Garry: There’s nothing for me to even have to understand. You obviously have no obligation to take part in the show. I’d never judge anyone for declining.

Frances: Now, I know I just declined your offer, but I have a question for you.

Garry: In the words of Pat Benatar -

Frances: I’ll fire away. So, I would really appreciate it if you stopped by the studio some time and filmed an episode of my show with me. I think it’d be quite fun, you seem like a really nice guy and I always have fun with my guests. You’re a fan, it’s always nice to have fans on the show. Plus, I think it could be some nice promotion for the show, you know? You’re a big TV star, bigger than me for sure.

Garry: Frances… I’ve never been on Time before. My show’s not called Garry in the Ballroom. You’re a big star, a very recognizable star. You are a brand, you don’t need me for promotion.

Frances: So, that’s a no?

Garry: Well you didn’t agree to do my show.

Frances: I was afraid it would come down to that.

Garry: I’m only messing with you. I’m not that petty. You know, I have to get back to filming in a few weeks so we’d have to do this episode soon, but I don’t see why we couldn’t do it. It could be a really nice day. Should I bring some recipes?

Frances: I’ll call ya the night before so you know what sort of thing to plan on making. I let my guests pick the recipe but we have a certain theme to stick to every day.

Garry: I’m aware.

Frances: You’re so easy-going. I think working together is gonna be a blast!

That night, at home…

Lauren: So, Aunt Frances, you had your meeting today. Will we be seeing you in the ballroom swinging and jiving?

Frances: God no.

Greg: You really said no?

Frances: That is what I said I was doing, isn’t it?

Louise: In Greg’s defense, you talk a lot. Hard to remember it all.

Lauren: Pot, meet kettle.

Louise: I don’t talk that much!

Jimmy: Honey…

Louise: Not you, too!

Jimmy: You do talk a lot. It’s one of my favorite things about you.

Lauren: I doubt that very much.

Greg: Frances, why did you turn it down? Didn’t the meeting go well?

Frances: I’m not going over this again. If it makes you feel better, Garry and I are going to work together on something. I’m not shunning him.

Greg: That does make me feel better.

Frances: See, everything’s all good!

Jimmy: I won’t lie, I really was looking forward to seeing your dance moves.

Frances: Well, that’s never happening. Sorry to disappoint.

Jimmy: Maybe at Lauren’s wedding I can get you to do the Electric Slide.

Lauren: At Lauren’s what?

Greg: Who’s the lucky guy, Lauren?

Lauren: I would also like to know.

Jimmy: I mean sometime in the future. one day it’ll happen.

Lauren: Who said I want to get married?

Louise: Lauren Beatrice Mackenzie, you’re getting married.

Lauren: That’s not even my middle name.

Louise: Don’t get smart with me.

Frances: Ah, another normal night at home. So, what’s for dinner?

Jimmy: I don’t know, what are you making?

Frances: The disrespect I get in my own home is unimaginable

One week later, at the studio…

Charlotte: Frances, shouldn’t you be out there waiting for Garry? How’s he going to know what studio to come to?

Marcia: Probably the big words on the wall that say “Frances in the Kitchen.”

Beverly: What if he misses that?

Marcia: Then he’s as dumb as Jane.

Jane: Hey!

Frances: If you’re so concerned, I’ll go out to the lot so he knows where to come in.

Beverly: Thank you, Frances.

Frances walks out to the parking lot, where she sees DeAnna standing outside her studio, smoking.

Frances: Since when do you smoke?

DeAnna: I only do it when I’m stressed.

Frances: I thought your life was so perfect -

DeAnna: It is.

Frances: Then why are you so stressed?

DeAnna: Got a new gig today. I’m worried I won’t be that great at it.

Frances: Are you gonna be one of those air dancers at a car dealership? Don’t worry, you’re perfect for the job.

DeAnna: You are so rude. No, I’m gonna be on Ballroom Celebrities!

Frances: You’re what?

DeAnna: Garry mentioned when we were talking that you declined to be on it, which I thought was stupid. I offered to do the show to fill a spot. He talked to the producers and bam! I’m in.

Frances: How are you going to film this show and that one at the same time?

DeAnna: Like I said, I make my own rules. I’ll make it work.

Frances: You’re such a vulture.

DeAnna: I know.

Frances: I’m gonna run inside. If Garry gets here -

DeAnna: I’ll tell him you changed your mind and don’t want him on your show.

Frances: You’re a monster.

DeAnna: I’m just pulling your leg! God, Frances, get a sense of humor!

Frances runs into the studio.

Beverly: Wow, Garry’s invisible now! That’s incredible!

Frances: I’m in here for good reason. I just heard something so frustrating.

Marcia: This recession is terrible, I know.

Frances: That was years ago, Marcia. If you’re gonna be sarcastic, at least make it accurate.

Marcia: What did you hear?

Frances: DeAnna is filling my slot on Ballroom Celebrities!

Marcia: That horror!

Beverly: I knew this would happen, the woman’s a vulture.

Frances: That’s what I said!

Marcia: It’s not like you even wanted to do the show.

Frances: But now she’s doing it!

Marcia: Let her! Let’s just hope she’s awful and makes a fool out of herself. The world could use a laugh.

Frances: I’m going to pray for that to happen. Every night.

Beverly: That seems like a good use of god’s time.

Frances: God, it’s me, Frances -

Beverly: Oh, she’s doing it right now. Lovely.

Frances: Let DeAnna fail on Ba-

Garry: Frances! Ready to get baking?

Frances: Oh, hey Garry!

Marcia: She was just praying. Her pre-show ritual.

Garry: My mom was super religious so I think that’s really lovely.

Marcia: We all do.

Frances: Okay, let’s get baking!

Garry: Don’t you have to finish your prayer?

Frances: Eh, god gets the gist.

What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll and make sure to return next week for another new episode!

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