Bake Your Heart Out Season 3 Episode 4 - Don’t Rain On My Parade

Bake Your Heart Out Season 3, Episode 4
Don't Rain on My Parade

Leslie, Frances, Garry and Charlotte are waiting for Sam and Diane at the Oceanside Diner.

Leslie: They’re not usually this late, I’m getting a bit worried about them.

Charlotte: They probably just saw Melanie and got involved in a conversation with them.

Frances: Or perhaps they’re dead.

Charlotte: Frances!

Frances: You never know! They’re two single ladies -

Garry: Sam is somehow married.

Frances: They’re two ladies traveling by themselves, perhaps some psychopath saw them and decided they were easy targets.

Leslie: Or they’re just in traffic.

Frances: That too.

Sam and Diane walk in.

Frances: You’re alive!

Sam: We’re five minutes late and your first thought is that we’re dead?

Leslie: Fifteen minutes!

Charlotte: Frances was convinced that you both fell victim to a roaming psychopath

Sam: That would be an interesting way to go out.

Diane: We have wonderful news.

Sam: It’s not that great, don’t get their hopes up too much.

Garry: What’s the news?

Sam: Garry, you know the rule.

Garry: What rule?

Sam: Don’t speak unless spoken to.

Garry: That’s not a rule! That’s lunacy!

Sam: Okay, maybe I dreamt that it was.

Frances: Would you really dream about Garry?

Sam: Not typically but you never know.

Garry: I guess I have to ask again. What’s the news?

Diane: I’m sorry, Garry. Sam distracted me with her nonsense.

Garry: It’s okay, I’m used to her saying nonsense.

Sam: I should hit you. I won’t, because I’m nice. But I should.

Diane: Sam and I have been asked by Governor Raymond to serve as the grand marshals of the Rhode Island Pride Parade!

Charlotte: That’s fun!

Leslie: Diane, do you have something you wanna tell us?

Diane: Such as?

Leslie: Why is a straight person serving as grand marshal of a Pride Parade?

Diane: I’ve been told I’m some sort of “gay icon.” I didn’t know it but I’m an ally so I’m glad to attend to support the community.

Sam: In many ways, she fits in better with the community. She likes rainbows and parades. I do not.

Frances: You don’t seem excited. Parades are fun!

Sam: They are not. They’re about as fun as a root canal. Or a day with Garry.

Garry: You can’t hurt me anymore, I’ve heard it all already.

Sam: It’s not about hurting you, it’s about getting out my inner rage.

Garry: At least you finally admit the problem’s with you, not me.

Sam: I never said that. There are so many problems with you.

Diane: Can we focus on the real story here? We’re going to a parade!

Frances: You’re going to a parade. We weren’t asked to be there.

Charlotte: Could it be because we’re all straight?

Frances: Diane is straight!

Sam: Not as straight as you guys.

Diane: What does that mean?

Sam: You used to perform in the gay nightclubs back in the day, you’ve got an in with the community.

Diane: That’s something I’m very proud of. I’ve always been a big supporter of equal rights.

Frances: So have I! I want to be in the parade, too!

Leslie: Can we just order breakfast so we can get to work? You can worry about the parade later.

Frances: I love parades, Leslie.

Leslie: Sometimes I ask myself why I still do this job. This is one of those moments.

Charlotte: Breakfast would be lovely. I’m starving.

Frances: Probably because the grand marshals over there made us wait so long.

Sam: Five minutes!

Leslie: Fifteen!

Sam: Who cares?

That afternoon, on the set…

Leslie: Where are Frances and Garry?

Sam (singing): All I wanna do is make love to you

Leslie: Sam, get your head out of the gutter!

Sam: They’ve sung that song together like three times, I’m just saying. Maybe there’s something there!

Diane: They’re in Frances’ dressing room.

Sam: Ha!

Leslie: Okay, maybe you have a point.

Diane: They’re just talking! My lord, you people are sick!

Charlotte: Let them gossip, Frances. It’s all they have.

Leslie: I don’t like to gossip! That’s Sam’s thing! I was simply wondering where two stars of my show are because the bakers are almost done with their Grand Challenge bakes and we sort of need the judges for this part of the show!

Charlotte: You have me, what more could you need?

Leslie: Oh how I wish we could just film with you. Unlike the other two, you aren’t completely insane.

Sam: I think it’s worth a try. At least cut Garry loose.

Diane: Oh will you shut it?

Sam: Never!

In Frances’s dressing room…

Frances: So you’re on board with the plan?

Garry: As if you care.

Frances: I just need you to say you’re on board because if you’re not, I’m not going to include you.

Garry: Fine, I’m on board.

Frances: Good. If this goes belly up, you’re taking the blame.

Garry: You came up with the plan!

Frances: But you are Garry, and Garrys always take the blame.

Garry: Just call the governor.

Frances: I’m getting to it!

There is a knock at the door.

Frances: Dammit Garry! If you weren’t being so annoying, I wouldn’t have argued with you, and if I weren’t arguing with you, I would’ve called before someone came to get us back to the set! You ruined my plan!

Garry: Can you not call later?

Frances: What if the governor is out? The parade is this weekend!

Garry: I want to be in the parade just like you do, but if we miss out on it, it’s okay.

Frances: We are not getting left out of this, Garry! We’re not Charlotte! We’re not Leslie!

Leslie: Did I just hear my name?

Frances: We’re coming!

Leslie: We’re back to filming in ten minutes, just be out here then!

Frances: Will do!

Garry: Can you make the call in ten minutes?

Frances: I can try.

Frances picks up her phone and dials Governor Raymond’s office. Her assistant, Susana Mockley, answers.

Susana: Governor Raymond’s office, Susana speaking.

Frances: Hi Susana, I’m -

Susana: Frances Conner! You’re the woman who saved the governor’s job!

Frances: I wouldn’t say I saved it but I certainly didn’t hurt.

Susana: The people of this state loving your show so much is the reason they started to approve of Governor Raymond, getting the show to move here stopped the recall effort dead in its tracks.

Frances: Well when you put it that way…

Garry: Frances, get to the point. We only have a few minutes!

Frances: Susana, would it be possible to speak to the governor?

Susana: Not at the moment I’m afraid. She’s in a meeting with a few state officials. I can have her call you back when she gets out, it should only be an hour or so.

Frances: I’m probably going to be busy filming at that point. Could she call back a bit later? Maybe around four? I should be done around that time.

Susana: That’ll work, I’ll have her call you then.

Frances: Thank you, Susana, you’ve been a delight!

Frances hangs up the phone and her and Garry walk out to the main stage.

Paul: Ready to film?

Sam: God, when are you going back to California?

Paul: I actually have some news!

Sam: I hate those words, especially coming from you.

Charlotte: Sam, can you just be nice? It’s not that hard. The man writes our checks, for goodness sake.

Sam: Look at you, kissing up to the boss.

Leslie: Paul, just talk over her. She’ll shut up eventually.

Diane: No, she won’t. She’s addicted to hearing her own voice.

Paul: I am staying in Rhode Island until the end of filming! I’ve been able to complete so much work out here and it’s so beautiful and I really think we’re all bonding in such a nice way. I’m taking as much time here as I can get.

Sam: In what way have we bonded?

Diane: I think it’s lovely you’re sticking around, Paul. I used to think you were a terrible, heartless TV executive who only cared about money. Now I see that you’re only a mostly-bad TV executive who values money more than anything but he has some other interests and somewhat of a heart.

Charlotte: That was beautiful.

Paul: I’m glad I’m chaining you mind about me! I wasn’t in a great place before and I took it out on you all, but I’m trying very hard to treat everyone around me better than I did before.

Leslie: I didn’t hate you quite as much as the others did -

Paul: Aww.

Leslie: - but I really see a difference in you! We aren’t besties, don’t get me wrong, but you are someone whose company I’ve found to be quite pleasant. It’s a new you and I’m glad. I always love to see personal growth!

Sam: Am I the only one who isn’t buying the redemption act? He’s up to something!

Paul: I am not. I just want friends. I don’t have many.

Sam: Well, color me shocked.

Frances: I thought we were going to be filming now. Is that not still the case?

Leslie: It is, let’s get to it. We can discuss this later.

Charlotte: Or not. I don’t care to hear Sam’s conspiracy theories again.

Leslie: Fine by me.

Sam: They are not conspiracy theories. When I’m right, and he betrays you, you’ll be the ones crying. Not me!

Diane: Sam, you just unknowingly quoted lyrics from like three different Olivia Rodrigo songs. I’m rubbing off on you!

Sam: Oh for god’s sake, Diane. You’re not cool, you’re not young, you listen to The Beatles and The Rolling Stones, not anyone that the youth listens to.

Diane: Just because you’re a boomer doesn’t mean I am.

Charlotte: Leslie, this is insufferable. Can you get them to stop?

Leslie: I find it best to not get involved in their spats.

Sam: Can we just film already? Everyone’s driving me nuts today.

Leslie: That sounds great!

Garry: I thought we’d never get back to work.

Sam: I don’t wanna hear a peep outta you.

Two hours later…

Diane: It’s time to find out the results for Cookie Week, always one of the most bittersweet parts of the day.

Sam: Because I’m so sweet, I’m gonna start us off with the top bakers for the week. Sharon, your lemon chiffon cookies delighted the judges and were far from sour! You are safe.

Diane: Marlene, your gingerbread house Grand Challenge bake was the judges’ favorite this week, with your whimsical amusement-park inspired design going above and beyond what we expected, more than making up for your underwhelming Judge’s Challenge bake. You are safe.

Sam: That brings us to our Top Baker this week… that his gingerbread house skyscraper was able to stand still amazes us, and the flavors of his strawberry shortcake cookies haven’t left us yet. I am, of course, talking about Jerome! Congratulations!

Diane: Not to be a mood killer, but we now must discuss the bottom bakers of the week. Carter, your cinnamon snap cookies were dry and weren’t nearly as flavorful as the judges were hoping for. It wasn’t your week, but unlike President Carter in 1980, we’re not kicking you out just yet. You’re safe.

Sam: Are you going to make a Jimmy Carter reference every time we refer to Carter?

Diane: Yes, of course.

Sam: Well, whatever floats your boat. Speaking of boats, Wilson, you got a bit cast away this week with underwhelming bakes in the Judge’s Challenge and the Grand Challenge. However, your lemon-lime cookie family recipe from the Specialty Challenge was enough to buy you another week here. You are safe.

Diane: I don’t like this part, Sam.

Sam: No one does.

Diane: Don’t make me do it.

Sam: We both have to do it, Diane.

Diane: Oh, fine. We’ve come to the part that brings us all great pain, the bottom two. Lena, you had a rough week from the very start with dry cookies in the Specialty Challenge, crumbling Linzer cookies in the Judge’s Challenge, and a gingerbread house that tasted great but just didn’t want to hold up.

Sam: Francine, you were last week’s Top Baker but this week’s bakes were a near-total disaster. While your Linzer cookies were competently-executed, your gingerbread house was dry and bland and wasn’t nearly as creative or ambitious as the rest of the bakers’, and your peach cobbler cookies in the Speciality Round didn’t taste like peach at all. The flavors were missing in two of your three bakes this week and that was very disappointing.

Diane: We regret having to send either of you home, as you’ve both excelled, but one of you must go home. Sam?

Sam: No, I’m not going home.

Diane: Tell them who’s going.

Sam: Must I?

Diane: Yes!

Sam: Oh well. Sadly, this week we must part with… Lena. We’re so sorry.

Diane: We’re going to miss you around here.

Sam: That does it for this week on Bake Your Heart Out! Join us next week for more cookies, bread, cakes, and whatever else the judges have in store for us!

Ten minutes later…

Sam: Why are Frances and Garry gone again? I want to get home so we can get to dinner.

Leslie: I’m sure they’ll be out any second.

Sam: I’m getting really sick of this.

Charlotte: We all are, but try to ignore it and focus on the positives.

Sam: Such as?

Charlotte: Well, Paul’s already gone for the day so you don’t have to see him. That’s not a big positive for us but you seem very upset by his presence.

Sam: I am, he sucks.

Diane: Not this conversation again…

In Frances’ dressing room…

Garry: How long are we going to be waiting in here? They’re going to get annoyed with waiting for us.

Frances: The governor should be calling us any moment. Just be patient, Garry.

Garry: I think I’ve been quite patient.

Frances: Did I tell you to speak?

Garry: N-

Frances: Then why did you?

The phone rings.

Frances: You’ll be dealt with later.

Frances picks up.

Frances: Governor Raymond! Hello!

Gretchen: Mrs. Conner! Always such a treat to hear from the cast of my favorite show!

Frances: I hear you spoke to Sam and Diane recently.

Gretchen: Just today, actually.

Frances: Pride Parade, right?

Gretchen: Yes, we’re all very excited for it. It’s so great to have them here in Rhode Island.

Frances: I have a question.

Gretchen: Fire away!

Frances: So, me and Garry - you know Garry, right?

Gretchen: Of course!

Frances: A lot of people don’t so I had to check.

Garry: Hey!

Frances: Me and Garry 

Garry: It’s “Garry and I.”

Frances: Sorry, Gary and I want to know if we can also be grand marshals in the parade. It would mean a lot to us.

Gretchen: I don’t see why not. The more the merrier!

Frances: That’s exactly what I thought! So glad you agree!

Gretchen: I see you at the parade, then!

Frances: Will do! Thank you, Governor Raymond!

Frances hangs up.

Frances: We’re in!

Garry: Now we have to tell Sam and Diane.

Frances: Must we?

Garry: Yes, we must.

Frances: You sure?

Garry: Yes!

Frances: You are so annoying!

Garry: I know.

One hour later, at dinner…

Melanie: So, how was work today?

Diane: I had to comfort a crying woman who we sent home, it was very sad. 

Sam: She was only crying because now she has to go back to Wichita Falls.

Diane: Don’t joke, Sam.

Sam: I wasn’t joking.

Melanie: I also had to comfort someone crying. A woman came in crying and asked if anyone found her engagement ring. I told her no and she started bawling. Turns out, she was here last year and lost it. Apparently she doesn’t know how to operate a phone because we may have found it if she’d just called then.

Frances: Are you sure she wasn’t just trying to scam you?

Leslie: Frances! Why does your mind always go to such dark places?

Frances: I’ve seen some shit, Leslie.

Leslie: So have I, mostly coming from your mouth!

Frances: The nerve!

Garry: I think Frances has something she wants to share?

Frances: Not that I’m aware of.

Garry: Come on, Frances…

Diane: Are you dying?

Leslie: What’s with you people today?

Diane: She might be!

Sam: She wouldn’t give Garry that information. It would make it way harder to leave him out of her funeral.

Garry: Frances and I are very close, I’ll have you know.

Frances: Don’t listen to him, he’s crazy!

Diane: So what’s the news, Frances?

Frances: I’m moving!

Diane: Wow, where to?

Melanie: I know of some beautiful estate in town if you need someone to show you some places for sale.

Garry: No, she’s not moving.

Frances: Okay, fine. I spoke to the governor today and asked her about the Pride Parade. She said Garry and I can be grand marshals as well!

Melanie: That’s great! It’s such a good cause, I’m glad to see you guys supporting it!

Sam: Is it great?

Diane: Frances…

Frances: Why are you two so mad?

Charlotte: Not that I want to intrude on this anyway, but why was I not even asked about this? I am on the show.

Leslie: And I created it and I’m the reason you’re all employed!

Frances: Limited space.

Sam: The space was supposed to be limited to two people - me and Diane..

Diane: You’re so sneaky sometimes, Frances.

Frances: Sneaky?

Diane: You knew it, too. That’s why you didn’t want to tell us!

Frances: What’s the big deal? We do basically everything else together!

Diane: That’s the big deal! Sam and I don’t get to do anything anymore as a duo, it’s always as a group. I love this group, but sometimes I just want to have a day to spend with my best friend. That never happens.

Sam: What she said.

Frances: Look, I don’t mean to intrude -

Sam: You did.

Frances: I just thought it would be fun!

Diane: You’ve now ruined a fun experience for us that’s supposed to be about the cause LGBT+ rights and turned it into a petty argument because you don’t want to ever not be included in something.

Frances: Tell me how to make it right.

Diane: You can’t, the governor thinks you’re coming now, you have to do it.

Frances: I’m sorry.

Diane: I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Let’s not talk about it and enjoy our chicken cacciatore.

On Saturday, at the parade…

Diane: Frances, get in the car. The parade is about to start and we need to go.

Frances: Here’s the thing…

Diane: What now?

Frances: I feel bad. I’m not going, neither is Garry.

Sam: Thank god.

Diane: Why not?

Frances: I want you two to have your fun day together. I won’t impose on it.

Diane: You wouldn’t be imposing, I want you to come.

Frances: You just don’t want to hurt my feelings like I hurt yours. Enjoy, I’ll be on the sidewalk watching you guys.

Diane: Are you sure?

Frances: Very. I’m gonna go towards the end of the route so that you guys can find me when the parade’s done Have fun!

Diane: Thank you, Frances.

Frances: No problem!

Sam: See ya, Frannie!

Frances: See ya, Sam. Have fun!

Two hours later…

Man: They said the cast of Bake Your Heart Out would be here, not just these two! What a ripoff!

Frances: I’m here! Hello everyone!

Garry: You always find a way to make it about you…

Frances: I have a gift.

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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