Frances in the Kitchen Season 2 Episode 5 - France in the Kitchen (Repost)

Frances in the Kitchen Season 2, Episode 5
France in the Kitchen

Frances rushes into the studio.

Beverly: Wow, you’re early today! That work trip really worked wonders on your productivity!

Frances: Nah, I just didn’t run into DeAnna on the way in like usual. That saved me like ten minutes.

Marcia: It think it might be bad that we consider being exactly on-time to be “early” for Frances.

Beverly: It ain’t great.

Frances: Speaking of things that aren’t great, DeAnna! Anyone see her?

Beverly: You’re really worried about her.

Frances: I’m just curious about her absence. I’m so used to seeing her first thing in the morning. It helps me get my rage out.

Marcia: God knows you’ve got a lot of that.

Beverly: I saw DeAnna earlier today. I think she came in early to avoid you.

Frances: She’s really quite pissed off at me over what happened in Aspen. She didn’t talk to me the entire flight home. Maybe that’s because I forced Louise to give me the window seat but I think it’s mainly because she has a bug up her a-

Marcia: Can we stop talking about her and get to work? I don't need all this negativity in the morning, man.

Frances: Okay, Mr. Lebowski.

Jane: Guys! I have news!

Beverly: I’m scared.

Marcia: Did you run someone over?

Frances: Please be DeAnna.

Jane: Frances!

Frances: What?

Jane: You’re gonna be in Time magazine!

Frances: Again I say: what?

Jane: They just called me and said they want you to be their cover model for one of next month’s issues. Isn’t that cool?

Frances: What?

Marcia: I think Frances is broken.

Beverly: That implies that she ever was not.

Jane: You need to call them at this number but you’re gonna be in the biggest magazine in the world!

Frances: Are you sure it’s THE Time magazine and not, like, a cooking magazine called T-H-Y-M-E Magazine?

Jane: I’m sure!

Marcia: What would Time magazine want with Frances?

Frances: I’m completely dumbfounded. How is this happening to me?

Beverly: It’s nice to hear Frances saying that in a positive way. It’s usually “Ugh, DeAnna’s our new neighbor. How is this happening to me?” or “Ugh, my family’s moving in with me. How is this happening to me?” or “Ugh, Marcia tried to friend me on Facebook. How is this happening to me?”

Marcia: Frances, did you say that about me?

Frances: Never!

Jane: Frances, can you go call them back? I’m excited for this!

Frances: You told me a minute ago, give me a second to collect my jaw from the floor.

Jane: Your jaw isn’t on the floor, that would be really gross.

Beverly: Oh, bless her heart.

Jane: Thank you.

Ten minutes later…

Frances: Well…

Beverly: Was it a hoax? Was it just some bored teen workers at a Subway playing tricks on Jane?

Marcia: Did Jane get the number wrong?

Beverly: Was it the real number but the people at Time laughed at you and thought you were crazy?

Marcia: Was i-

Frances: Stop talking!

Marcia: Will do, boss.

Frances: It’s real! I’m supposed to meet up with a photographer tomorrow and then next week someone from the magazine is flying out here to meet with me!

Beverly: Oh my god!

Marcia: I always believed in you.

Jane: See, I’m not that dumb.

Marcia: You probably thing “dumb” is spelled d-u-m.

Jane: It isn’t?

Marcia: See, I don’t know if you’re joking, and that’s scary.

That night, when Frances returns home…

Louise: Look who’s home!

Greg: On-time today, too. I’m shocked!

Frances: I’m right here, you can speak to me directly.

Jimmy: They’re rude, I’m not. Hi, Frances.

Greg: I am not rude!

Louise: You did say you were surprised Frances wasn’t late. That’s kinda mean.

Greg: Oh, come on! She’s never on time!

Frances: He’s not wrong, guys. I’m actually only on-time today because I’ve got big news to share!

Lauren: Before they start guessing, please say it. I can’t even imagine the dumb things running through their minds right now.

Louise: Are you moving to Rhode Island?

Frances: What the hell? Rhode Island?

Jimmy: Are you pregnant?

Frances: Are you for real?

Greg: Just to be sure, that’s a no, right?

Frances: I am fifty years old, Gregory.

Greg: Miracle baby?

Frances: I’ve gone through menopause!

Greg: I’m just making sure!

Lauren: I told you, Aunt Frances. They aren’t good at guessing.

Frances: I should have listened to you, and I am sorry.

Lauren: Just say it now before they add in any other stupid guesses that suck.

Frances: I have been asked to appear on the cover of Time magazine! I’ll be doing a photo shoot tomorrow and then next week I’ll talk to one of their reporters.

Greg: Honey, that’s incredible!

Frances: It sure is!

Louise: You’re sure it’s actually Time magazine?

Frances: Somehow, yeah.

Lauren: Mom, be nice. There’s no need to express doubt.

Frances: No, she’s allowed. I didn’t believe it either. I still sort of don’t.

Louise: You’re absolutely certain they want you on the cover? The star of a baking show on a cable TV network?

Lauren: Now that is mean.

Louise: It isn’t meant to be.

Jimmy: Louise, drop it.

Louise: You’re my husband, not my father. You can’t tell me what to say and do!

Lauren: She’s right. It’s the twenty-first century, dad. Get with the times.

Jimmy: I’m sorry, I’m just defending my sister

Frances: As much as I appreciate that, you have nothing to defend me against. Everything Louise said is already something I thought!

Lauren: Yeah, dad. Women don’t need to always be saved by a man. 

Jimmy: Oh, goodness.

Frances: They said they’re doing an issue on everyday women and apparently they consider me to be an everyday woman.

Louise: I don’t know many everyday women with houses like this in Santa Barbara, but maybe I’m just out-of-touch.

Frances: They said the fact that so many women watch me and enjoy my show and relate to me  makes me a voice for the everywoman. So that’s why they picked me. I don’t now how that happened but I’m certainly not turning down an opportunity like this.

Greg: I think it’s great and very deserved. You have no need to question whether you’ve earned this because we all know you did. Stop being so self-deprecating.

Frances: I’m glad I have you to make me feel worthy, because Louise…

Louise: You said I didn’t do anything wrong!

Frances: Well you could be a bit more supportive.

Louise: We’re so proud of you, Frances! You’re the best thing since sliced bread!

Frances: See that’s just un-genuine.

Louise: You are such a drama queen.

Jimmy: She is that.

Frances: Thank you all for the support, I feel so loved.

Jimmy: You’re welcome!

Three weeks later…

Beverly: Big day today!

Frances: Don’t remind me. I’m so nervous!

Marcia: What are you nervous about? The interview’s done, the photo shoot’s done, all you’re doing today is walking up to the newsstand and seeing the final product on the shelf.

Frances: Yes, that’s quite nerve-wracking for someone like me. I’ve never exactly been on the cover of a big magazine before. Just a bunch of specialty cooking magazines. This is the big leagues, Marcia.

Marcia: You act like I’m a regular magazine covergirl.

Beverly: Just Playboy, right?

Marcia: Good god, don’t even say anything so terrifying. Death rates among men would be through the roof.

Beverly: Well, maybe that’s just what this country needs to get back on track.

Marcia: No one deserves to die such a painful death.

Jane walks into the studio.

Jane: Is the magazine out yet?

Frances: It’s out, but none of us have seen it yet.

Jane: Why haven’t you?

Frances: Unlike you, I wanted to get to work on-time.

Marcia: That’s funny, Frances.

Frances: It wasn’t meant to be.

Marcia: Well, it was. You’re late to work at least twice a week.

Frances: That’s the beauty of me, isn’t it?

Jane: When are you going to get a copy of the magazine? I’m so excited!

Beverly: Aren’t you a curious little thing today?

Jane: I am! I want to see my friend in a big magazine, it’s very cool.

Frances: At lunch we’re gonna go pick up a copy, we can wait until then. I had ego work now.

Jane: Speaking of work, do you want your tea?

Frances: You didn’t get it yet? I have a tea every morning when work starts, you think you'd have learned by now.

Jane: Sorry, I was trying to get to work on time!

Beverly: Well, that failed.

Frances: Don’t use my excuse, Jane.

Jane: I’ll go get it now!

Frances: Thank you!

Twenty minutes later…

Jane: Frances!

Beverly: Cut!

Frances: Jane…

Jane: What?

Frances: We were in the middle of filming.

Marcia: Frances was just about to tell the audience what kind of cheese to put in the cheesecake.

Jane: Brie!

Marcia: Oh, my god.

Jane: I went to get you your tea and at the coffee place, I saw this week’s Time magazine. It’s amazing! You look great!

Frances: I can’t believe you saw it before I did!

Beverly: It’s like eleven o’clock, a lot of people have seen it before you did.

Frances: How great was it?

Jane: So great!

Marcia: Very descriptive.

Frances: Beverly, I have a proposal.

Beverly: Oh no.

Frances: What if we take an early lunch and we go pick up a copy of the magazine now?

Beverly: Are you that excited for it?

Frances: Uh huh.

Beverly: You are something else.

Frances: Thank you.

Beverly: Let’s go get lunch.

Frances: Thank you!

Jane: What about your tea?

Frances: Just set it on the counter, I’ll heat it up when we get back.

Jane: What counter?

Frances: The only counter we have, Jane. In the kitchen.

Jane: Oh, right.

Marcia: And they gave her a driver’s license.

Beverly: And an apartment!

Jane: What’s that supposed to mean?

Marcia: Honey, you’re… absent-minded.

Jane: What does that mean?

Marcia: Exactly.

Frances: Can we go? I’m just so excited!

Beverly: Yes, please. The quicker we leave, the quicker we finally get to work!

Fifteen minutes later, at the newsstand…

Marcia: Moment of truth! Let’s get that magazine!

Frances: I’m nervous. What if I don’t like my picture?

Jane: You look great in it!

Frances: With all due respect, you’re far too kind for me to take you for your word. You’d always tell me I looked good when I knew my hair was a mess. So we’ll see.

Marcia: One copy of Time, please.

Frances: I wanted to say that.

Marcia: We couldn’t wait all year, there’s a line behind us.

Frances: Fine…

Newsstand worker: That’ll be four dollars.

Marcia: That’s steep! Frances?

Frances: I’ll pay the money. Here’s a five, keep the change. I support print journalism.

Newsstand worker: Thank you! Here’s your magazine.

Marcia: Frances, you look wonderful.

Frances: I do, don’t I?

Beverly: You’re also so humble!

Frances: I am that.

Jane: I told you it was great! Maybe you should listen to me more often.

Beverly: We’re not gonna do that.

Frances: Oh my god!

Beverly: We get it, you’re a model.

Frances: France Conner!

Jane: Your name is “Frances,” Frances!

Frances: I know what my f***ing name is, Jane! Apparently Time magazine does not!

Marcia: What do you mean?

Beverly: “A revealing interview with baking revolutionary France Conner!”

Marcia: Does it really say that? They called her a revolutionary?

Beverly: It sticks with the France theme, at least.

Frances: Does no one see the problem with them getting my name wrong?

Beverly: I personally find it hilarious.

Marcia: Oh my god, they did get your name wrong!

Frances: Jane, I thought you said the cover was amazing!

Beverly: You really expected Jane to read words? Can she even read?

Jane: You two are so mean! Not you, Frances.

Frances: Thank you, I know I’m a sweetheart. Now can we focus on my crisis?

Marcia: Frances, they missed a letter in your name. I think you’ll live.

Beverly: People will probably be able to figure out that you aren’t named France.

Frances: You never know! There’s people out there named India and China and Bolivia and -

Beverly: Who? Who out there is named Bolivia?

Frances: Newton-John!

Beverly: That’s Olivia!

Frances: Same thing.

Beverly: No, it most certainly is not.

Frances: Even still, look at that actor from 3rd Rock from the Sun. His name is France!

Beverly: Are you talking about French Stewart?

Frances: Yeah!

Beverly: Frances, they’re not gonna think you’re French Stewart.

Jane: Who is French Stewart?

Marcia: Sweetie… shh…

Frances: I’m sorry, but I am devastated.

Marcia: And you get to be! But it’s not something anyone did on purpose and it’s not going to really impact your life in any way. It’s a typo on one magazine. Now, let’s go get lunch since that’s what we’re supposed to be doing right now and if we don’t eat now, we’re not eating until we’re done with work!

Frances: This is not the last you’re going to hear about this.

Marcia: We know.

Thirty minutes later, back at the studio…

DeAnna: Hi France!

Frances: Oh god… not you.

DeAnna: I didn’t know you changed your name!

Jane: She didn’t, it was a stupid typo!

Marcia: Can you just leave her alone? We have work to do and you really are quite unhelpful.

DeAnna: That’s precisely why I came out to speak with her!

Beverly: Gotta be honest, I respect that she doesn’t try to hide it. It’s refreshing.

DeAnna: Thank you, Bethany.

Beverly: She knows my name isn’t Bethany but she said it anyway. I respect it!

DeAnna: Frances, I don’t know how you got in Time to begin with, but I’m so glad you did. At first I was so pissed off about it but this is just top-level comedy. I am so impressed.

Frances: I have no interest in speaking to you about this. Or anything.

DeAnna: Come on, Frances! I miss our little game of cat and mouse.

Frances: I don’t, especially today. Now, I’m going back in to work before I kill you. I don’t look good in orange.

DeAnna: You don’t look good in blue, either. Or green, or purple, or yellow.

Marcia: Frances, I see the rage in your eyes but don’t give in!

DeAnna: Give in! I’d love to be able to get you fired!

Frances: Why is she so annoying?

DeAnna: I’m just joking round with ya!

Frances: Today is not the day. Now, you go and have a nice day murdering puppies to make a coat or whatever it is that you do on your “show.” I’m going into the studio to actually bake. See you later, hopefully much later.

DeAnna: See ya, France!

Marcia: I’m proud of you, Frances! I was pretty sure that interaction was going to lead to assault charges!

Frances: I’m a lover, not a fighter.

Marcia: A lover of what?

That night, when Frances returns home…

Louise: France!

Jimmy: Oui oui!

Frances: That’s not funny, you guys. I heard all the jokes already today at work.

Louise: That’s not our fault. We’re just victims of bad timing. We saw the magazine early today so I bet we thought of our jokes first!

Frances: If it makes you feel any better, I still didn’t want to hear them then.

Jimmy: Why do you look so bent out of shape?

Frances: Because I am bent out of shape! This is the biggest opportunity I will ever get and I felt so great about it and they couldn’t even spell my name right.

Jimmy: I think it’s less a misspelling and more a mis-typing, but I get what you mean. It’s unfortunate. You were still in Time, though, that’s a big deal!

Louise: No, France Conner was in Time.

Lauren: Mom, Aunt Frances is clearly upset. Not the time!

Greg: Frances, I want you to know that I stuck up for you when these two were cracking up about it today.

Frances: I believe that. You’re always on my side. Lauren, you're mostly on my side.

Lauren: Aww.

Frances: The other two…

Jimmy: What did I do? I’m trying to cheer you up!

Lauren: I believe she’s referring to the “oui oui.”

Jimmy: Come on, that was just funny.

Frances: Not really.

Louise: Lighten up, France.

Greg: Frances, let’s go out for dinner tonight to celebrate.

Frances: Celebrate what? My new name?

Louise: I hope we’re going to a nice French restaurant.

Lauren: Mom!

Louise: Fine, that was the last one.

Greg: You’re on the cover of Time magazine, you’re seen as a hugely influential person. That should be celebrated whether they screwed up your name or not. So pick your head up and let’s hit the town!

Frances: Okay, sounds good to me. I didn’t want to cook dinner today and clearly Louise wasn’t planning on it since she spent all day laughing about a magazine typo.

Louise: Not true! I also went to work for four hours!

Frances: Oh, a productive day then.

Louise: Yes, thank you.

Thirty minutes later at the Bellefonte restaurant…

Katie (hostess): Do you have a reservation?

Frances: Conner for five.

Katie: We have two Conners - Jenny and France.

Louise: Okay, this was the last one.

What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll and make sure to return next week for another new episode!

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