Frances in the Kitchen Season 2 Episode 8 - LASIK in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 2, Episode 8
LASIK in the Kitchen

Frances is laying on the couch in the living room.

Louise: Frances! I didn’t even realize you were home, you’re never this quiet.

Frances: I’m trying to read a book.

Louise: Trying?

Frances: Yeah, that’s what I’m finding concerning as well.

Louise: Explain yourself. I’m lost

Frances: I’m having trouble seeing the book. Look yourself, is the ink running together or is my vision blurry?

Jimmy: You’re asking her? Look at her, Frances.

Louise: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Jimmy: You’re wearing glasses on the top of your head. You’re blind and scatterbrained!

Louise: I have them there because I wasn’t reading anything at the time.

Jimmy: Frances, just give Lauren the book.

Lauren: I don’t really want to get in the middle of this.

Jimmy: Just help your aunt.

Lauren: Hand me the book.

Frances: I do not want to.

Jimmy: Why, what are you reading?

Frances: I don’t feel like sharing that.

Jimmy: What, you reading another Didion book? We already know you love her, it’s no big deal.

Louise: What is Fifty Shades of Grey?

Lauren: Oh god!

Frances: Let’s not make a big scene about this.

Louise: What is it?

Lauren: It’s a naughty book for bored housewives.

Greg: Bored?

Frances: Marcia told me it was good!

Greg: So you talk with my sister about how much I disappoint you. Wonderful.

Frances: No! Why would I do that?

Greg: I don’t know, why would you?

Frances: I didn’t! I asked her if she read anything good lately, she said she just finished something interesting. When she told me what it was I picked it up at the store.

Greg: So I’m not disappointing you?

Frances: No, never!

Lauren: This conversation is horrifying to me and I am going in another room before I lose my appetite for dinner.

Jimmy: Not before you check to see if the book is smudged or if your aunt really is losing her vision.

Lauren: Fine… no more sex talk, though.

Frances: I wanted this conversation to happen just as little as you did.

Lauren: The book looks fine. Unfortunately, I can read it just fine.

Jimmy: Thank you! Now we know that your aunt’s losing her vision, that’s helpful!

Frances: Is it?

Jimmy: We’ll get you to a doctor, hopefully they can do something about it.

Greg: It’s only a bit of blurred vision, it’s not like she’s gone blind.

Jimmy: This is how it starts! We need to move fast before she loses it all.

Frances: I’ll schedule an appointment for the doctor for tomorrow. Now, what’s for dinner?

Louise: I was hoping you knew.

Jimmy: Honey! She can’t see! How can she make dinner?

Frances: Oh, this is going to be a joy.

Two days later…

Beverly: You know, when you asked me if we could start filming late today, I was annoyed.

Marcia: You? Annoyed? Never!

Beverly: I am pleasant! You’re the bitter one!

Marcia: Very true.

Beverly: Anyway, I was annoyed to start late. Now that we’re here, though, it’s quite lovely. We don’t have to break for lunch because we started at one. We’re all wide awake, even Jane made it on time.

Jane: I actually didn’t know we were starting late.

Marcia: See, that was information you should’ve kept to yourself.

Frances: Is no one going to ask me how my appointment went?

DeAnna: I’ll ask.

Beverly: Security!

DeAnna: I had to hear all about it yesterday so now I want to know what’s going on. How are your eyes, grandma?

Frances: First of all, you’re older than me.

DeAnna: Age is but a number.

Frances: And yours is far higher!

DeAnna: You try to show a little compassion and this is the kinda thanks you get? God, you wonder why you don’t have any friends!

Jane: We’re her friends!

DeAnna: Friends who aren’t paid to be her friend.

Marcia: She got you there.

Frances: My vision is not what it used to be. It’s been slipping in the past few months and it really -

DeAnna: We heard this already, speed it up.

Jane: I didn’t hear it!

DeAnna: Like you’d remember if you did, Dumbo.

Frances: Anyway, I’m a candidate for LASIK surgery and I did a consultation and everything while I was there. I’m going in for surgery next Thursday.

Beverly: That’s so soon! That’s scary!

Frances: I will be okay, it’s a safe surgery and I have the best doctors.

DeAnna: I knew a lady once who had ocular surgery and it left her blind.

Beverly: That’s really not needed right now, DeAnna.

Frances: When is she ever needed?

DeAnna: I feel very attacked for my attempt to be a good person, and I’m gonna go before you attack me any further.

Frances: Don’t let the door hit ya!

DeAnna: At least I can still see the door!

Beverly: Wow, she really is a little troll.

Marcia: Making fun of someone for having trouble seeing, that is low.

Frances: That’s just par for the course for her.

Beverly: I wanna hear more about this surgery because I’m worried!

Frances: It’s not a high-risk procedure, it’ll be okay.

Beverly: It’s invasive! There’s risks!

Frances: You’re right, that’s why I talked over it extensively with my ophthalmologist and he assured me that the risk is so low and the reward is so high, it’s a no-brainer.

Beverly: If something went wrong and you went blind, I don’t think I could live with myself!

Marcia: Beverly, get a hold of yourself. You’re acting like Frances is going in for a triple bypass.

Beverly: It’s just as risky.

Marcia: Do you realize how you sound?

Frances: I get that you are concerned for me and I think that’s so sweet, but I’m not worried. You shouldn’t be, either. Everything will be okay.

Marcia: See! Frances isn’t worried, it’s all good. Let’s go make some cookies!

Beverly: You’re making creme brûlée and peach cobbler today.

Marcia: That works too! Let’s go make that!

Beverly: I wish your surgery were earlier in the week, now I have to worry about it for over a week!

Frances: I chose Thursday because we don’t film on Thursdays and I’ll have time over the weekend to recover.

Beverly: That does make sense but I still wish it were earlier!

Marcia: What Beverly is saying is that she wants a day off next week and this is interrupting that.

Beverly: I am not! I’m just getting anxiety over this surgery, you all know I’m such a caring person.

Jane: I know you are, you’re the only one who’s nice to me.

Frances: I let you live at my house for a year!

Jane: You’re nice, too.

Frances: Gee, thanks.

Marcia: I’m nice!

Jane: You call me dumb all the time!

Marcia: So do they! I’m just upfront about it!

Beverly: Okay, time to make cookies!

Next Thursday, at the ophthalmologist’s office…

Dr. Marten: Are you Ms. Miers?

Jane: Last time I checked.

Dr. Marten: Okay, so Frances’ surgery went very well. Here’s a care sheet for her. Basically, don’t let her rub her eyes, have her avoid bright light, and keep her eyes lubricated. Here are some medicated eye drops for her. If she’s feeling any pain, you can give her some over-the-counter pain reliever.

Frances: Doc, don’t tell her, tell me. I can remember it, she probably can’t.

Jane: Those sunglasses look funny!

Frances: See, doc. You really wanna rely on her?

Dr. Marten: I think she’ll be just fine.

Frances: I’m gonna be back here with even worse damage, just you wait.

Dr. Marten: I doubt that very much. Now, good luck, feel better, I’ll see you in a few days for your checkup.

Frances: See you Monday!

Thirty minutes later, at Frances’s house…

Louise: Aww, look at our poor baby!

Jane: She’s in a bad mood.

Frances: I’m sick of these damn glasses and I’m sick of having to grab onto Jane’s arm just to get around because I’m not supposed to open my eyes and I regret all of this!

Louise: Just think, in a few days everything will feel better and you’ll have better vision and it’ll be worth it.

Frances: I might not make it through these few days, I’m already going insane.

Louise: It’s not that bad! You get to lay around for a day and sleep. What’s the problem?

Frances: I can’t sleep, I have to make sure my eyes stay wet. I just have to lay here in darkness and listen to whatever is on TV.

Louise: I was watching The View but I think that’s over now. Maybe Regis and Kelly are on.

Frances: They’re on in the morning, before The View.

Louise: Okay, then we’ll listen to the news. That’s always cheery.

Jane: Do you still need me, Louise?

Louise: Absolutely! Frances is way too much to deal with on my own!

Frances: That is very true.

Jane: Then I’ll stay and assist. That is my job title, after all.

Frances: Speaking of “after all,” maybe put on some music. Jane just put me in the mood for some Cher.

Louise: How do you suppose I should play it?

Frances: I don’t know, you’re the one who can see! Pull it up on that site Lauren uses to watch her videos!

Louise: What site?

Jane: Do you mean YouTube?

Frances: Sure, I guess.

Louise: Don’t you have any Cher CDs?

Frances: I have a vinyl record.

Louise: Vinyl? When was the last time anyone used vinyl? CDs are where it’s at! They are forever!

Jane: Actually, CDs are very “out” right now.

Louise: Lies.

Jane: It’s true! Why would I lie?

Louise: Big Vinyl is paying you off.

Frances: You don’t know that, maybe she’s trying to get us to use cassettes!

Jane: What?

Frances: This isn’t even a “Jane is dumb” moment, I can’t tell you the last time I saw a cassette tape.

Jane: Is that like scotch tape that makes music?

Frances: Umm… sorta?

Jane’s phone rings.

Jane: Oh, it’s Beverly!

Frances: Good lord.

Jane answers the call.

Beverly: Jane, it’s quarter after twelve and you said the surgery would be done at eleven! What happened?

Frances: I went in a little late, that is all.

Beverly: You’re alive!

Frances: I got eye surgery, were you expecting me to die?

Beverly: You’re my friend! I worry about you!

Jane: I’m sorry. I forgot to call when we went home.

Louise: Frankly, I think you should just be happy that she didn’t call you while she was driving.

Beverly: I am happy about that! It’s a miracle that Jane can even drive when she isn’t distracted.

Jane: Hey, I am right here!

Beverly: Sorry!

Jane: It’s fine, you’re right.

Beverly: Frances, I have a question for you!

Frances: I’m sure it’ll be enlightening.

Beverly: Are you able to see?

Frances: We’re gonna find out in a bit. I’m not supposed to open my eyes for a few more hours

Beverly: Really?

Frances: Really. They did just cut my eye open, I can understand the reasoning behind it. As much as I HATE it.

Beverly: Are you sure you’re okay?

Frances: I’m fine! Jane’s gonna play some music on the Yoo-hoo -

Jane: YouTube!

Frances: That’s what I said!

Jane: Sure.

Beverly: I’m so sorry I couldn't be there for you, I feel awful about it.

Frances: You’re busy! You have a family, a life. My own husband and brother aren’t here because they also have lives. It’s fine. I just appreciate that you care. You care too much, really.

Beverly: That’s not possible.

Jane: Eh…

Beverly: Just feel better! I’ll talk to you later!

Frances: Hey, do me a favor.

Beverly: Anything! Within reason, that is.

Frances: Call Marcia and tell her what’s up. She’s probably not too worried but I want her to know there were no complications.

Beverly: I’ll let her know right away, don’t even worry about it for a second.

Frances: Thank you, Beverly. See you on Monday afternoon!

Beverly: Afternoon?

Frances: Oh I forgot to tell you! I have a checkup appointment at ten on Monday so we’ll have to start late again. You did like starting late, though, so maybe it’s good.

Beverly: That’s fine with me, I’ll let everyone else know about the late start!

Frances: Thanks, you’re a doll.

Jane: Bye Beverly!

Beverly: Bye Jane!

Jane hangs up.

Louise: I didn’t get to say goodbye!

Jane: I don’t think she even knew you were on the phone.

Louise: That is so rude.

Frances: Okay, music time! I’m ready for the sweet sounds of Cher!

Louise gets a phone call from Jimmy and answers.

Frances: Oh come on!

Jimmy: I’m glad to hear my sister is her usual self!

Louise: What are you calling about, honey?

Jimmy: Just wanted to check in on Frances while I’m on my lunch break.

Louise: She’s a little crabby but she’s fine.

Frances: I’m not crabby! Stop saying I’m crabby!

Jane: You’re a little crabby.

Frances: After all I’ve done for you?

Louise: She’s upset that the doctor is making her keep her eyes closed for a few hours while they heal.

Jimmy: I would be, too. I love TV.

Frances: I’m not even supposed to look at a screen for days! It’s horrifying!

Louise: You’re old like me. You surely remember what it was like to not have screens around you all the time. It’ll be okay.

Frances: No it won’t be! I already feel like a hermit!

Louise: Do you know what a hermit is?

Frances: And now you’re acting like I’m some stupid idiot. I just want to sleep.

Jane: You can soon enough! Four hours!

Frances: Ahhhh!!!!!

Jimmy: Okay, I think I’m gonna go. Glad the surgery went well, see you later tonight!

Frances: Bring me home some ice cream!

Louise: We have ice cream.

Frances: Then why was it not offered to me already?

Louise: You didn’t ask.

Jane: I’ll get some.

Frances: I want strawberry.

Jane: We don’t have strawberry.

Frances: Jimmy, get strawberry ice cream!

Jimmy: Will do.

Four hours later…

Greg: Honey, I’m home!

Louise: Oh, thank god.

Greg: Is there something wrong?

Louise: No, she’s just crazy.

Jane: It hasn’t been that bad.

Louise: We had to finally just let her sleep because she was in such a terrible mood. I think she’s in some pain so that is why she’s so cranky but it’s been rough.

Jane: We’ve listened to so much Cher today.

Greg: She does love Cher.

Frances: Greg, is that you?

Louise: Oh god, she’s awake.

Greg: Yes, honey! How are you feeling?

Lauren: Aunt Frances, how are you? I came straight from work to check in on you!

Louise: All these people keep coming, we’re never getting her back to sleep.

Frances: I took a nap, I feel a little better. I had a strange dream about Cher. Was I listening to her music today or something?

Louise: For three hours straight, yes.

Frances: That would explain it.

Lauren: When are you going to be able to take those glasses off?

Jane: Oh crap! We were supposed to give her a sleep mask when she went to sleep. She’s not supposed to sleep in sunglasses.

Louise: I’ve fallen asleep in sunglasses plenty of times and I’m fine. Lots of drunk days on the beach.

Lauren: So… is she supposed to take those glasses off now or what?

Jane: Louise…

Louise: Yes?

Jane: I’m just reading over this care sheet again and it said she should sleep right after surgery, not that she shouldn’t.

Frances: This is why I had concerns about letting Jane take care of me! This is why you’re here, Louise! I’m gonna go blind because of her!

Louise: Let me see that, Jane.

Greg: Well, I’m glad that everything has gone so smoothly. Do you guys need me to do anything around here?

Frances: You know, now that I think of it, you didn’t even bother to call today, Greg. Beverly and Jimmy did, but not you.

Lauren: I meant to call, I’m so sorry.

Frances: That’s okay, you’re not literally married to me. I can forgive you for forgetting about your dear aunt Frances. Greg, I can’t see you right now but I know you’re quivering with fear. QUIVERING!

Greg: Honey, I got sidetracked. It was a busy day at work and I really did mean to call.

Frances: No excuse. You betrayed me. I’ve been betrayed.

Greg: I’m sorry, I was genuinely concerned for you!

Frances: I’m kidding! I actually didn’t even notice that you didn't call until you got home. My brain is barely even functioning today.

Greg: Okay, so do you need anything?

Louise: Just sit here with her, I gotta make dinner.

Greg: Will do!

The front door opens.

Jane: Oh god, a ghost!

Lauren: Looks gain.

Jimmy: I’m home, and I got your ice cream, Frances!

Frances: Thank god someone can do something right around here.

What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll and make sure to return on Monday for another new episode!

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