Marietta, Tammy and Amy are eating lunch at the Thornbeaux Restaurant.
Amy: Do you guys ever look at your sandwich and just think “how do I get that in my mouth?”
Tammy: Amy is a weird lady.
Marietta: I know, Tammy. It scares me.
Amy: I just wonder. The sandwich is much larger than my mouth. How does it get in there?
Marietta’s phone rings.
Tammy: Saved by the ring!
Marietta answers.
Marietta: Maria! What’s going on? I feel like we haven’t talked in forever. How’s Katharine? How’s Kyle? How are you?
Maria: Wow, that’s a lot of questions.
Marietta: Feel free to answer in any order.
Maria: Katharine is fine. Kyle is fine. I’m so-so.
Marietta: What’s wrong?
Maria: This ties into the “what’s going on?” question. My parents are coming.
Marietta: Your parents? That’s great!
Maria: Eh…
Marietta: What isn’t great about it?
Maria: They are really tough on me. Tough on Kyle. Tough on you.
Marietta: Tough on me? I’ve somehow never met them.
Maria: They are, uh, Republicans.
Marietta: Oh. They don’t like me.
Maria: Just your politics.
Marietta: They do know that you’re… right?
Maria: A Democrat? Lord, no.
Marietta: So this is gonna be a fun visit.
Maria: They’re just coming down from North Carolina for a weekend. Next weekend.
Marietta: Next weekend like the next Saturday coming, or next weekend like no this Saturday but the next?
Maria: They’re coming this weekend. I wanted to invite them to family dinner.
Marietta: That would be, um, great!
Maria: Great!
Marietta: Great!
Tammy: What’s so great?
Amy: Maybe she got an answer about my sandwich question.
Tammy: No one cares about your sandwich question!
Amy: I do.
Marietta: It’s not about the sandwich.
Amy: Darn.
Tammy: Told ya so.
Marietta: Maria, I’m gonna hang up now. I need to get back to work and they’re being idiots.
Maria: Sounds good. See you Saturday!
Marietta: See you Saturday, honey. Give my love to Kyle.
Marietta hangs up.
Tammy: What was that about?
Amy: Not sandwiches, apparently…
Marietta: Maria’s parent are coming to town on Saturday. We’re having dinner with them.
Amy: Ooh, this is gonna be fun!
Marietta: They’re Republicans.
Tammy: Oh. Cool?
Marietta: You don’t get it. They don’t like me already! Apparently they complain about me and that’s already put Kyle in a weird place. We need to be on our best behavior. Now, I’m calling Kate.
Tammy: About what?
Marietta: They’re from North Carolina, she’s from North Carolina, just wanna get her thoughts.
Tammy: Do you… think that everyone from North Carolina is alike?
Marietta: Of course not! I don’t know what I’m thinking, I just need some advice.
Amy: You act like you’ve never had a conservative family member before.
Marietta: I haven’t!
Amy: Just don’t talk about abortion, guns, or the federal deficit and you’re fine!
Tammy: When exactly do you bring up abortion at dinner parties, Amy?
Amy: When I’m with like-minded people.
Tammy: Yes, who doesn’t like discussion of abortion as they eat their dinner and sip wine?
Amy: Exactly! It’s good dinner table talk.
Marietta: Well, I know I personally always bring up the deficit at a party. Now, let me call Kate, and then we need to get back to work.
Amy: Work? What’s work?
Marietta calls Kate.
Ellie: What’s up?
Marietta: Ellie? Where’s Kate?
Ellie: Oh, nowhere.
Marietta: Where is nowhere?
Ellie: Fllllllooooorida.
Marietta: Kate is in Florida?
Ellie: Sure is!
Marietta: Where is she really? And why are you in her office?
Ellie: She is in Florida with Senator Skyler.
Marietta: Senator Skyler? From Colorado?
Ellie: They went to Disney World together on vacation.
Marietta: Ellie, tell me the truth. Now.
Ellie: She’s getting lunch, her secretary is out sick today, and she asked me to stay here in case anyone calls the office.
Marietta: Does she not have anyone else working for her that could’ve worked the phones?
Ellie: I don’t want to talk about it.
Kate: Talk about what?
Ellie: Thank god. She’s back, Marietta!
Marietta: Yeah, I can hear, Ellie.
Ellie: Well, excuse me…
Marietta: Can I talk to Kate now?
Kate: Yes, you sure can!
Ellie: Bye Marietta! I need to go eat lunch!
Marietta: Don’t choke on it!
Ellie: I plan on it!
Kate: What’s up, Marietta? Always a treat to hear from ya!
Marietta: I need some advice.
Kate: I’m always here to dish some out!
Marietta: My daughter-in-law’s parents are coming to town for a visit. I’ve never met them before.
Kate: Oh, exciting!
Marietta: Yeah, it would be. Apparently, they’re very conservative and aren’t exactly big fans of mine.
Kate: Well, we have to co-exist.
Marietta: I agree. How do I do that when they think I’m some sort of communist?
Kate: You need to just be kind to them. Make them like you by being yourself.
Marietta: Think that would work?
Kate: I don’t know, but I think it could help. Kindness is free and goes a long way!
Marietta: You’re always such an optimist.
Kate: I try to be.
Marietta: They’re from North Carolina. Thought you’d like to know that.
Kate: You think I’m an expert on North Carolina, don’t you? We don’t all know each other. Most of us do, but not all of us.
Marietta: Nah, I just thought it was fun to bring up. That is why I told Tammy and Amy I was calling, though. I wanted to hide the fact that you’re so much better at giving advice than them.
Amy: Hey! We’re right here!
Marietta: I know.
Tammy: You’re terrible at keeping secrets.
Kate: I’m gonna let you go. Let me know if you need anything, you know I’m here if you do!
Saturday, at Patty Lynn and Martin’s…
Patty Lynn: Marietta, you look white as a ghost!
Marietta: I’m okay. I feel healthy. I feel good.
Patty Lynn: You’re nervous, it’s okay.
Martin: Breathe in, breathe out. It’ll all be okay.
Eliza: Marietta, if I could survive having to tell my parents that I was pregnant at sixteen, you can survive meeting two conservatives.
Henrietta: Yeah, I survived the same thing as you, mom.
Eliza: Honey, um…. Honey, let’s not talk about that tonight.
Henrietta: Why not?
Elena: It’s not much of a first meeting sort of conversation.
Marietta: I’m not worried about them believing differently than I do. I’m very open and accepting and I’m all for unity.
Amy: Ha!
Marietta: I’m worried that their natural urge to dislike me will not be overcome by this and they’ll always dislike me. I’m in the public eye, people judge me when they don’t even know me, and people do it all the time. It’s hard.
Martin: It’ll be all right, don’t be so freaked out about meeting two people that have no bearing on your life.
Marietta: They do have some bearing on my life. They’re my son’s in-laws.
Patty Lynn: My parents didn’t get along with your father’s parents.
Martin: They didn’t?
Patty Lynn: I mean, they could tolerate them when they saw them but they weren’t, like friends who went on vacations together. They could talk at the holiday party and that was that. You dig?
Martin: I dig.
Patty Lynn: Oh look, the doorbell’s ringing!
Kathleen: I’ll get it!
Milton: Here we go!
Tammy: Ooh, this is gonna be so much fun!
Kathleen opens the door.
Kyle: Aunt Kathleen! So nice to see you.
Kathleen: You guys look great!
Marietta: HI, friends!
Maria: Everyone, these are my parents, Laura and Stuart.
Stuart: Hello, everybody. We are very glad to be meeting everyone today.
Laura: It’s so nice to be here in New Orleans. It’s been many years since we came down here to visit.
Stuart: Since little Maria’s senior year in college, right?
Laura: I think so.
Patty Lynn: They seem nice.
Laura: I’m glad we do!
Patty Lynn: Oh, wow! You heard that?
Laura: Well, you were saying it at a normal speaking volume.
Milton: That’s actually what whispering sounds like for her.
Marietta: I’m so rude, I forgot to introduce myself. Marietta Landfield, Kyle’s mom.
Laura: We know who you are already.
Marietta: Oh! Great! I should introduce everybody else, then! These are my parents, Patty Lynn and Martin Landfield.
Martin: Delighted to meet you.
Stuart: Same here.
Marietta: This is my brother Milton and my niece, Sarah.
Milton: Charmed.
Sarah: I love that show!
Milton: Say hi, Sarah.
Sarah: Hi, Sarah.
Milton: Excuse her, she’s a bit shy.
Laura: That’s all right, we all know kids like that.
Marietta: This is my friend Tammy and her husband Mitch.
Stuart: Oh, my goodness. You’re the -
Mitch: I know, I know. I was the President. I sometimes get recognized, but luckily, I love meeting fans.
Stuart: I was going to say the cheating bastard who made my company’s earnings sink.
Mitch: Lovely to meet you.
Marietta: This is my other friend, Amy.
Amy: I’m your friend?
Marietta: No comment. Over here is my cousin Eliza and her wife, Elena.
Laura: Oh. Interesting.
Elena: Exc-
Eliza: Don’t.
Marietta: Here is Eliza’s daughter, Henrietta and her husband Mason and her daughter Charlotte.
Laura: Wow. That’s… wow.
Marietta: Yeah, I know. She’s beautiful. They’re all beautiful.
Stuart: Yes.
Marietta: And this is everyone I know!
Kathleen: Ahem.
Marietta: Sorry! This is my aunt Kathleen!
Stuart: Great to meet you. You seem very nice and normal.
Kathleen: I also love the gays. Just, FYI.
Patty Lynn: So, who’s ready to eat?
Marietta: It can’t be overstated how big of a deal it is that we aren’t having to wait an hour for mom to be ready with dinner.
Patty Lynn: I knew it was a special day! That’s why I made crawfish étouffée.
Laura: I don’t know what that is, but it sounds delightful!
Kathleen: You’re gonna love it. Straight people always do. That’s why it’s my favorite dish.
Martin: Kathleen!
Kathleen: I’m just making conversation. With homophobes.
Martin: Go to your room.
Kathleen: That’s adorable!
In the dining room, ten minutes later…
Martin: How’s your trip been, you two? Liking New Orleans?
Stuart: It’s been interesting.
Laura: We saw the Mississippi River today.
Stuart: We saw some other sights, as well.
Maria: Dad, did you like airport? I know you like visiting them for some reason.
Stuart: It was nice, but that damn governor of yours had to go and mess it up.
Maria: How’d she do that?
Stuart: She signed an order that prohibits carrying a loaded weapon into the airport. She clearly doesn’t care about the Constitution.
Marietta: Oh nooooo…
Amy: It’s happening!
Patty Lynn: Stuart, there’s a reason for that! This country is so obsessed with guns, more than any other, and nut jobs are getting the idea to go shoot up public places just to kill as many people as possible. She doesn’t allow leaded weapons in an airport because she’s trying to keep people safe! Don’t you care about protecting the millions of people who travel through that airport in a year!
Kathleen: It’s shameful, really. These people think that their guns matter more than their lives!
Stuart: I didn’t expect a lecture from the PC police today.
Maria: Daddy, let it go.
Stuart: No, I will not. These people are trying to shame me for being a responsible, legal gun owner.
Kathleen: No, we aren’t! We’re shaming you for being an idiot!
Laura: The crawfish tastes delicious!
Stuart: I think it tastes like ass, probably because it’s made by one.
Maria: Daddy! Stop it!
Patty Lynn: Go! Get out of my house!
Kathleen: And stay out, because love is love!
Martin: No one has to leave! Everyone just needs to agree to disagree, and Stuart, you need to apologize to my wife. Then all will be forgiven.
Elena: Henrietta, take Charlotte somewhere else.
Henrietta: Mason, you do it. I wanna watch this.
Milton: Sarah, go to your room.
Sarah: I don’t have a room here.
Milton: Take the baby to Aunt Kathleen’s room with Mason.
Sarah: I miss all the fun!
Stuart: Martin, I thank you for welcoming us into your home. Patty Lynn, I apologize for disrespecting your cooking. It’s actually quite good.
Kyle: See everyone, all is well again! Let’s get on with our eating
Patty Lynn: That’s not the apology I was expecting, but I’ll take it. Let’s just get back to the meal.
Eliza: You say that as if I ever stopped. This is good!
Kathleen: It’s better when you weren’t forced to cast test it all week.
Mitch: Let’s talk about something less controversial. Anyone check the stock market lately?
Laura: Stuart doesn’t have the heart to after what happened to us a few years back.
Tammy: Bernie Madoff?
Laura: No, your husband’s market regulations reduced our fortune by millions.
Marietta: How is this actually occurring?
Amy: Patty Lynn, I finished my food. May I be excused?
Patty Lynn: Amy, you’re an adult. You can leave the table any time you want to.
Kathleen: Unlike Stuart, who acts like a toddler. He needs permission to roam freely.
Marietta: Any chance there’s arsenic in this étouffée?
Patty Lynn: Afraid not.
Martin: Trust me, Kathleen and I tried it so many times this week, we would’ve found out long before tonight!
Milton: I’m glad I’ll live through this. I love watching the world but before my very eyes.
Laura: So, Henrietta, is it?
Henrietta: Yes, that would be my name.
Laura: How old are you?
Henrietta: Nineteen. Just graduated from high school.
Laura: Wow, and you already have a baby?
Henrietta: Is this an interview? Would you like a cover letter and a resume, as well?
Eliza: Just smile and nod, honey.
Laura: I’m just surprised you had a baby so young. You look like such a promising young girl, it’s such a shame to see you waste your life so early.
Henrietta: I actually am having quite a nice life with my little girl. I’m married, I have a job, it’s going great.
Stuart: Laura, she’s Hispanic. They start early.
Henrietta: Excuse me?
Patty Lynn: You heard him quite clearly, as we all did.
Marietta: You know what, Stu? Laura, you too. I have tried to stay out of everything tonight for the sake of the kids, but this takes it too far. It already went too far earlier, but now I feel physically ill looking at you both. Henrietta is like a daughter to me. Her race, her baby, all of those things are great because they’re what make her, her. She’s perfect.
Henrietta: Aww, thank you, Marietta.
Marietta: You’re not going to waltz in here and be a couple of bigots and make her feel uncomfortable around her family. You’re not going to. What makes you think you can do that? What makes you think you can attack my friend Mitch? What makes you think you can nonchalantly insult the marriage of my cousin and her wife? I’ll tell you what, buddy boy, they nay not be “normal” to you, their marriage may not be something you approve of, but they’re much better people than you. You’re not normal. The rudeness, the audacity to be invited guests and act like this, I can not believe it. Who raised you both? Get out. I mean now. Set your utensils down, put on your coats, and get out. I don’t need this, neither does my family. Go.
Stuart: Wow. I have never been disrespected like that in my life.
Laura: Maria, let’s go. These communists are not people we need to be around.
Maria: This is my family.
Laura: What? We’re your family.
Maria: You know who’s been there for me through everything? The Landfields, and the rest of this extended ragtag bunch. They’ve been here. They met my daughter before earlier today. I gave birth a year ago and this is the first time you bothered to visit us. You weren’t at my wedding.
Stuart: Because you married a hippie!
Maria: They were there. They’ve been here through everything. When I cried because you both weren’t around, Eliza gave me a shoulder to cry on. Patty Lynn cooked for me. Amy amused me with her nonsensical questions. Marietta gave me a mother’s love.
Laura: Maria!
Maria: Mom, dad, I love you, but you have growing to do. The hate in your hearts for people that are different than you makes me weep. You hurt me so badly. I’m one of them.
Laura: You may think you are, but you’re not. You’re a Zander.
Maria: No, I’m a Landfield, and all the things that come with it. I’m a communist hippie who votes Democrat.
Stuart: Oh, my god. They brainwashed you.
Maria: I’ve always been this way, you just didn’t care enough to see it! I will always love you both, but please, leave. I’m not coming with. This is my family, and you can’t come back until you accept that and grow up.
Laura: If that’s how you feel, we’ll go.
Maria: See ya!
Stuart: Let’s go, Laura.
Laura: Thank you for the meal. It was good. Nothing else was, but the meal was good.
Stuart and Laura storm out the door.
Marietta: Maria, are you okay?
Maria: I feel like a weight’s been lifted. I just hope they can become more accepting.
Marietta: I hope so, too, sweetie.
Milton: Is anyone gonna eat their étouffée?
Marietta: Milton!
Milton: I don’t want it to go to waste!
Patty Lynn: I’m gonna get dessert out.
What did you think of the new episode of Marietta? Comment your thoughts, listen to the official season three playlist, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for a new episode next week!
